365 days

I guess I'll just stay home tonight. Since I don't have any particular plan for new year's eve. Aku tidak begitu terdesak untuk kelihatan cool di celah-celah keramaian hanya semata-mata untuk menghitung detik tibanya tahun baru. Bagi aku, ianya tak ubah seperti ritual moden yang sungguh bangang. Dalam erti kata sebenar.

Untuk menyimpulkan rentetan tahun ini dalam sebuah tulisan adalah terlalu membosankan. Menelusuri semula perjalanan diri, aku hanya perlu menyelak kembali segala catatan, nota, anekdot yang telah aku tulis sepanjang tahun ini.

I usually don't do this but anyway, Happy New Year to those who may concern \m/

Himpunan kata (2)

I might know something

But chose to remain silent

Guess what, I'm blissful.

Dilema (5)

Pernah sekali, salah seorang kawan aku teks, "Semalam aku nampak kau dekat blablabla. Kau buat apa dekat sana?" Soalan sebegitu selalunya aku balas semula dengan soalan, "Really? How come I never saw you?"

Aku sering berhadapan dengan situasi janggal sebegini. Bukan sombong atau apa tetapi aku mempunyai kelemahan untuk mengecam wajah seseorang dari jauh. Aku tidak pasti kenapa, but they're literally, invisible to me. And don't even bother asking me to find you in let's say, crowded places because I'll never be able find you. I'm like a lost puppy, searching for something. A cute little puppy, for sure.

Officemate (6)

I looked at her and I smiled.

She noticed and said, "What?"

"Nothing," I replied, with a little laugh.

"Oh boy, I know where this is going,"

My heart whispered to me.

Officemate (5)

"Sakit gila waktu dia cucuk guna jarum besar," aku takutkan Anies dengan niat untuk bergurau. It was her first time. I mean, her first attempt ever donating blood. Sewaktu di kolej, aku pertama kali menderma darah bersama-sama Kiki dan Meon. Dalam fikiran masing-masing ketika itu, "Alaa, derma darah je pun. Takde matinya." Bukan didorong oleh ganjaran atau pahala, niat kami adalah untuk mencuba sesuatu yang baru. Tak tak, niat utama kami adalah untuk ponteng kelas. Menderma darah adalah alasan mudah untuk tidak hadir ke kelas petang ha ha.

Tetapi masih, melihat sendiri darah mengalir deras keluar adalah suatu perasaan yang... well, to be honest, I feel nothing. Nak kata bangga, tak juga. Nak kata menyumbangkan sesuatu kepada masyarakat, kelakar pula. Nak kata sakit, ada la sikit.

"Macam mana kalau dia tersalah cucuk?" aku tak henti-henti mengusiknya. Selepas selesai menderma darah, aku kembali semula ke meja untuk menyambung kerja yang tertangguh. Belum sempat apa pun, titis-titis peluh sekelip mata menyimbah turun membasahi dahi dan kepala aku mulai terasa pening. How funny when turned out to be I'm the one who almost fainted.

Mujur aku segera berjumpa jururawat bertugas sebelum diarahkan untuk berbaring semula selama hampir setengah jam. Setelah mengambil contoh darah, katanya kadar-gula-apa-entah aku berada pada tahap yang rendah. Aku hanya mengangguk kerana kurang pasti apa kaitannya. How am I supposed to know that?

"Ha ha," Anies ketawa tatkala aku kembali semula ke meja. Spontan, aku jelirkan lidah kepadanya. Duh, how embarrassing.

Bazinga!

I have been watching The Big Bang Theory religiously, meminjam kata-kata Saidatul Madiha tempoh hari. Selepas jalan cerita siri kegemaran How I Met Your Mother menjadi semakin draggy dan sejujurnya membosankan (tetapi aku masih sukakan karakter Barney Stinson), aku beralih pula menonton siri yang menyaksikan kewujudan karakter Dr. Sheldon Cooper tidak pernah gagal membuatkan aku ketawa.

He's funny as hell. He's funny as hell. He's funny as hell.

Dilema (4)

Nadzirah called me yesterday and she, out of nowhere, asked for my Tumblr account password. Aku yang ketika itu masih terpinga-pinga untuk mencerna permintaannya, hanya mampu membalas, "What?"

She hasn't called me for quite some time and all of a sudden, "I want your password." And I was like... what the hell is going on?

"Nak buat apa?" aku tanya semula walaupun masih kebingungan ketika itu. She said she was going to use it for her presentation. On what purpose or what kind of presentation, I have no idea since I didn't have the chance to ask her. Long story short, I gave her my Tumblr username and password.

Setelah memberi kata laluan kepadanya, aku ternyata diganggu oleh percanggahan kognitif yang perlahan-lahan datang mencemari pertimbangan rasional aku. Untuk selesakan hati yang terkesan bercelaru dengan suasana pasca-keputusan yang dibuat, aku berterusan memujuk diri dengan alasan yang err...

Untuk rekod, aku hanya gunakan laman Tumblr semata-mata untuk mengumpul koleksi gambar rawak, separa lucah, esentrik dan mendepani semua itu, aku juga mencatit anekdot ringkas ala Twitter untuk rujukan peribadi pada masa akan datang. Malah jika diukur, interaksi sosial aku di laman tersebut adalah pada kadar minimal. I followed random people, liked random post and bla bla bla.

Later I texted her, "Just pretend that our earlier conversation never happened. I'm too lazy to change the password."

No big deal, I guess.

Nota separa khayal (3)

Selaku manusia yang terdorong untuk leka berkhayal tanpa henti, aku berhadapan masalah untuk menumpukan perhatian. Kadangkala aku hanyut ketika sedang berbual, membaca waima menulis sekalipun.

Dua tiga minggu yang lepas, aku ditugaskan untuk menjaga ruang pameran syarikat untuk mempromosi skim pekerjaan apa-entah-aku-sudah-lupa. Jadi oleh kerana bertugas mengikut giliran, aku berpeluang untuk duduk di bawah satu khemah bersama beberapa pekerja yang lebih berpengalaman. Dalam tempoh yang singkat itu, aku sempat juga berkenalan dan berborak kosong dengan mereka. They were so nice to me. Cool people, I must say. Though I even witnessed with my very own eyes a few conflict that arose among themselves and I couldn't help myself but laugh. Nevertheless, it was a good exposure and experience for me.

Tempoh hari, salah seorang pekerja yang turut bersama aku sewaktu pameran tersebut menegur aku di pejabat. Dan sedikit mengejutkan kerana dia masih mampu mengingati nama aku. Sejujurnya aku sudah pun lupa namanya. Demi Tuhan, janggal seribu kali janggal.

The other I (8)

The problem with me is that I care too much. Sometimes I feel like I know something about other people more than I should. For instance, I know where you live, who's your friend and stuff. It's not like I'm dying to find out everything about you but I just happen to know. Frankly speaking, I seriously don't give a fuck. At all.

I have been blessed with a very supportive family, a near-flawless circle of friend and vast numbers of strangers to cheer me up through ups and downs. Yes I need strangers in my life. They somehow unconsciously reflect myself through what we called as social mirror. Cara aku berinteraksi dalam kehidupan seharian juga dipengaruhi oleh persekitaran yang sering mengingatkan aku bahawa hidup ini adalah sebuah taman permainan maha luas untuk diteroka. Well, I guess that explains my erratic behaviour.

"So, that settles it. You don't have to care too much about other people. They are pathetic. They are holding you back," my Ego whispered. I smiled and said, "No they aren't. It proves that I'm just a normal being after all."

Wordless what? (4)

Recollection (2)

"Putih emas," kawan Ayah seorang pakcik berbangsa Cina berusia lingkungan separuh abad memanggil aku setiap kali kami berjumpa. Satu perkara yang pasti, dia tidak pernah tahu nama sebenar aku. Didorong rasa ingin tahu yang tebal, aku langsung bertanya kepadanya lama dahulu, "Putih emas?"

"Ya la. Bila you senyum nampak gigi. Putih emas," dia sambut. Maka tahulah aku mengapa dia memanggil aku dengan nama sedemikian selama ini. Dan aku yakin dia maksudkan adalah emas putih. O dear, I know I have such a sweet smile ;-)

Officemate (4)

I could go on a day without saying a word to them. I'm not being antisocial or what, but sometimes I just don't feel like talking. Bak kata Meon satu ketika dahulu, "Avoid making eye contact whenever possible." They're nice and friendly but you know, there's a barrier I couldn't break through. Yes, I built that fucking wall.

I'm having a good time with my current on job training. Most of the time I sit calmly at my table, either doing assigned tasks or watch movies or playing games. Jika terlalu tepu dengan suasana pejabat yang maha bosan, aku abaikan tugasan yang perlu disiapkan di atas meja dan keluar menghilangkan diri. O God, I'm a natural born procrastinator. Ha ha!

Reminiscent (2)

I used to go window shopping with my colleagues. It was somewhere around, well, I can't hardly remember the exact day. Jadi aku bersama Syamira, Fatin dan beberapa yang lain tercampak ke sebuah tempat yang aku kurang gemar untuk kunjungi. Shopping mall, it is.

Funny when it took me less than an hour to explore the whole shopping mall. And not surprisingly, they took more than an hour on the same floor. Girls, duh.

Recollection

I think I saw my pengarah kolej somewhere around my hometown a few days ago. Berkaca mata, berkepala botak tengah dan paling ketara memakai baju tertera logo kolej. And yes, I'm pretty sure it was him.

He reminds me of... nothing. Except his long, boring and monotonous speeches. Oh, did I mention boring?

The other I (7)

"You have to buy this book," dia merujuk kepada buku 1Q84 karya Murakami yang tersusun di atas rak. "It's fucking awesome, man."

"Are you crazy? Buku ni mahal la. Plus, I don't have much money left in my pocket," aku balas sambil membelek buku tersebut. "But it's worth buying. Almost a thousand pages waiting to be read. We are going to have a real good time," dia masih berkeras dengan ideanya. "Thou... thousand what? It will take forever to finish this book. Last time I checked, we still stuck on the second chapter of Norwegian Wood and we haven't started reading Tell-All," aku sambut kemudian meletakkan semula buku tersebut di atas rak.

"Okay," dia mengalah. "But trust me, you will end up buying it." Aku pandang wajahnya dan ketawa, "How come you're so sure?"

"Well, we'll see," dia tersengih, mengakhiri perbualan.

Dilema (3)

Sometimes I forgot that Aiman is no longer a little kid  he used to be. He's growing up so fast, sehingga aku terlupa aku juga pernah melalui fasa peralihan menuju kematangan satu ketika dahulu. Fasa yang bertanggungjawab mendukung falsafah diri aku hari ini. 

My mental picture keep describing him as a vulnerable and naive little one. Maybe I'm the one who should grow up.

Kehilangan

My cousin just died in car accident. Tatkala menerima berita tersebut, I don't know how to react. Should I cry? Should I mourn over his death? I should... what? Aku pujuk hati supaya berlaku rasional dan hadiahkan bacaan Al-Fatihah kepada arwah. Sekurang-kurangnya itu yang mampu aku lakukan. May God bless his soul.

Hidup dan mati adalah kerja mudah bagi Tuhan. It's been a while since the last time I had lost someone close to me. Kali terakhir adalah kematian Ibu sepuluh tahun lepas.

I'm still missing her. Until now.

The other I (6)

"Why would you want to call her? You fucking tell me," he muttered angrily. "I don't know. I just want to talk to her," I told him. "Things aren't working out anymore between the two of you. Please don't make yourself look like an idiot," he said.

O God, what is happening to me?

Officemate (3)

Early this morning I had breakfast with my boss in her office. Anies was there too. She's my officemate, just in case you're curious. Kami bertiga makan nasi lemak bertemankan hembusan penghawa dingin yang ternyata sungguh.... dingin. Untuk rekod, aku jarang mengambil sarapan pagi. Atas alasan mudah, kurang berselera untuk menjamah apa-apa dan perut aku juga belum bersedia untuk menerima sebarang makanan. In fact, a glass of plain water is more than enough for me.

"Pedasnya sambal nasi lemak ni," aku merungut sewaktu suapan kali kedua. Mereka berdua ketawa kecil. "Mana ada pedas. Orang makan biasa je," Anies sambut. Sehingga kini aku masih tidak faham mengapa dia bahasakan dirinya sebagai 'orang'. Well it's kind of weird. And funny, you know.

"Pedas la," aku sanggah. Sejurus selepas itu, aku buang lebihan nasi yang tidak mampu dihabiskan ke dalam tong sampah. "Nasib baik percuma," aku bisik dalam hati.

Wordless what? (3)

Dilema (2)

Aku belajar satu perkara. Setelah selesai makan tengahari bersama rakan sepejabat, jangan bertanya soalan, "Lepas ni kau nak pergi mana?" I've asked that question once and only once. Believe me, don't ask. Just don't.

Why? Don't even ask why.

Dilema

"Bulatnya muka kau sekarang," Hilmi tegur perubahan pada wajahku ketika kami berjumpa di hadapan sebuah restoran Mamak. Well, I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or what. So, I stood there idly without saying a word. Not a fucking word, I tell you.

Officemate (2)

I sat next to her and,

stole a glance at her face.

She was so beautiful.

A smile that never fades.

I must be dreaming.

The other I (5)

I looked at him and I broke into tears. "I feel hopeless, alone, out of place. Help me, will you?" He hugged me and said, "Oh boy. Don't worry, you'll always have me."

Officemate

I don't know how to keep conversation going between me and my officemates. Oh wait, do we actually had a conversation? No we didn't.

Wordless what? (2)

Reminiscent

Maybe it's true. You don't have to write or tell everything to other people.

Dengan tujuan berlaku rasional kepada diri sendiri, aku fikir, berbuat demikian adalah suatu tindakan yang maha jujur. Mengambil contoh mudah, sehingga kini aku belum mampu untuk menulis apa-apa tentang hari-hari terakhir aku selaku pelajar di Seri Iskandar. Aku berusaha untuk mencerna, cuba menghadam semahu-mahunya setiap bibit kenangan sebelum mengambil keputusan untuk mengabdikan segalanya di dalam kerangka tulisan.

Kadangkala lintasan memori indah bersama rakan serumah yang jelas bermain di dalam kepala membuatkan aku tidak tahu dari mana aku patut bermula untuk menulis. Perasaan kurang selesa untuk berkongsi sesuatu yang bersifat peribadi serta susunan memori yang masih bersimpang siur sama sekali tidak membantu. At a certain point in your life, come a time when you look back on those years and realize you have had such a wonderful memories. All of a sudden you feel blessed and grateful.

One thing for sure, I knew I had to write something about our last day in Seri Iskandar. There's just no sense of urgency right now. I'm patiently waiting for that kind of feeling to show up.

Paradise

I always wanted to be you know, a cool, funny and good father for my future kid(s). But I keep picturing my future self as an overprotective one. No, I'm not going to waste my youth and get married at such a young age. Aku berkahwin pada usia muda? Now that's funny my dear. Anyway, come to think about it, being a father is no easy task as it requires a lot of effort and responsibilities.

Melihat di mana aku berada hari ini dengan segala keperluan, didikan serta kasih sayang maha mencukupi, aku percaya Ayah telah membesarkan aku dengan sempurna. Terima kasih untuk segalanya.

Nota separa khayal (2)

Aku jenguk keluar melihat cuaca. Hujan semakin reda dan bunyi titis hujan jatuh ke bumi sudah tidak lagi kedengaran. Dingin malam yang menghembus masuk melalui tingkap yang sedikit terbuka menerbitkan perasaan tenang yang menyelubungi segenap ruang bilik. Aku dongak melihat jam yang terpaku di dinding. Jarum menunjukkan pukul 1 pagi.

Aku segera ke dapur. Menyelongkar laci-laci dengan harapan dapat mencari sesuatu untuk disuap ke dalam mulut. Aku mengeluh hampa selepas tidak bertemu apa-apa. Jadi tanpa berlengah, aku sarung pakaian, capai kunci dan meredah kedinginan pasca-hujan untuk ke kedai serbaneka 24 jam berdekatan. Selesai urusan pembayaran, aku pulang ke rumah dengan kadar tergesa-gesa kerana hujan renyai perlahan-lahan turun semula membasahi. Jadi aku terpaksa memecut laju sewaktu perjalanan pulang.

Sampai sahaja di rumah, aku masih bingung memikirkan mengapa aku beli sebotol air minuman berkarbonat tetapi langsung tidak membeli sebarang makanan. Therefore I stared at the bottle forever, questioning its existence.

I am too easily distracted, no?

In the middle of nowhere

I think I'm doing just fine right now. I'm single, not emotionally attached to any love or platonic relationship and most importantly not chasing any girl at this very moment. Yeah right, chasing a girl. Don't worry, we'll get to that later.

Sometimes I asked myself, why my previous relationship didn't work out very well. Ianya bermula dengan penuh indah, I poured every bit of myself into relationship. I'm being sweet and all but at the end, I've lost interest. What went wrong? Is it merely because of me or things are just meant to head to a dead end. I'm not so sure. Jadi aku terjun kepada kesimpulan yang lebih mudah, ini mungkin adalah kerja Tuhan.

Berurusan dengan perasaan manusia yang aku cintai adalah seni agung. Mendepani segala kemungkinan dan kebarangkalian dengan secebis keyakinan yang dikutip sedikit demi sedikit dalam turun naik sebuah hubungan. Aku tertarik untuk sentiasa berhadapan dengan konflik. Bersemuka dengan kemelut yang, tanpa sedar,  bakal mencorakkan hala tuju akan datang.

I haven't contacted Loveable for a month now. Aku sudah lupa apa perbualan terakhir kami. Apa pesanan teks terakhir yang aku hantar kepadanya. Dan aku sudah lupa apa yang membuatkan aku tersenyum tatkala menyebut namanya satu ketika dahulu. I've been chasing her since the first time I met her until unfortunately she ended up being with someone else. I definitely had fun chasing her around with lovely words, sweet smiles and whatnot. I didn't confess my feeling toward her because I thought it's still too early to do so. But I was wrong. Totally wrong. It was my biggest mistake in this whole relationship thingy.

Of course I was heartbroken when I found out I'll be losing her forever.  It took me a while to comfort myself and figure out what went wrong. Sejujurnya, aku tidak pernah salahkan dia atau sesiapa. Aku lebih senang menyalahkan diri sendiri. Ianya silap aku kerana terpengaruh dengan frasa playing it slow. Kekesalan utama aku adalah hubungan dengan Loveable yang tergantung, tidak lengkap, berhenti separuh jalan. Seumpama jalan cerita dengan sebuah penamat yang samar dan meragukan. Aku ingin habiskan apa yang telah aku mulakan dengan berterus-terang kepadanya namun sehingga kini aku tidak ketemu apa signifikan-nya jika aku berbuat demikian.

Seperti aku katakan tadi, ini mungkin adalah kerja Tuhan. Sama ada sekadar menguji atau untuk memberi aku setitis rasa kekalutan emosi.

Wordless what?

The other I (4)

"Write something. Or anything," dia cuba pujuk aku. "You don't have to try. You know the answer." aku balas. "Grammar berterabur pun takpe. Asalkan ayat yang ditulis tak kedengaran janggal dan kekok untuk disebut, okay la," dia masih tidak mahu mengalah. Aku masih lagi berbaring di atas katil merenung bilah kipas yang berputar. Sambil ditemani lagu Gap oleh The Kooks. Bunyian sekitar minit 3:10 sehingga 3:30 sedikit sebanyak mengingatkan aku kepada sebuah lagu Radiohead dari album OK Computer. 

"That's what I've been telling you. You should stop being such a grammar freako," aku balas. "But no, I still don't want to write anything."

"Oh come on. Please?"

"Damn it. You know I can't resist."

Nota separa khayal

It's two in the morning and I can't put my eyes to sleep. Tomorrow's going to be a big day for me. First day of my industrial training period. Not that I'm looking forward to it. I have given no choice but to face it. I'm nervous and maybe a little bit scared. I'm asking myself, what could possibly go wrong? But Murphy's law epigram whispering in my head that anything that can go wrong will go wrong.

I hate new environment. I hate meeting new people. I hate making new friends. I hate doing this all by myself. I know I sound like a total pussy whining and complaining about every single thing. I'm having conflict within myself. I have unresolved issues with myself and let the fear take the wheel and steer. I need somebody to tell me I'll be fine. Tell me everything going to go my way.

I still need a little help and comforting advice from family and friends. I can stand on my very own feet but I'm not sure for how long. And if I fall down, I just want to know that I will always have someone to grab my hand and pull me up from the eternal abyss.

I'm not cool enough. I could go on pretending but there's just no point of doing that. Maybe I should go to sleep.

Chaos

I’m thinking of getting a haircut today. Tetapi bila melihat cermin sewaktu berada di bilik mandi pagi tadi, aku batalkan niat tersebut. “My hair looks fine. Why should I cut it off?” aku monolog sendirian.

Other than that, I need to withdraw some cash from my account. Juga terpaksa mengisi borang-borang yang aku sendiri tidak pasti apa fungsinya untuk latihan industri yang bakal bermula esok. Damn, I hate this.

The other I (3)

Kami duduk di kerusi luar rumah bertemankan segelas air dan langit biru yang cerah. Tidak banyak yang dibualkan. Mulut seperti dikunci oleh angin yang bernafas lembut. Mata pula tanpa henti menatap pepohon yang terpasak liar di atas bumi. Dedaun yang kadangkala gugur memberi pemandangan yang sungguh bermakna. Berkhayal bersama gumpalan emosi yang tidak nyata sambil sesekali disuntik mimpi yang melintas tanpa bicara.

"Ahh, I just want to sit here and do nothing. Melihat sekeliling untuk tenangkan hati," dia kata. "Yeah, me too," aku balas lantas mencapai gelas air di atas meja untuk tegukan kedua. "Did you ever dream of being a published writer, so you can make money out of it?" soalan yang terpacul dari mulutnya secara tiba-tiba.

Aku toleh memandang mukanya, dengan riak muka sedikit terkejut. "I would love to but it's not a priority. You know I don't write for money. I just... love to write."

"I know that, but how about a little recognition from other people?" dia bertanya lagi.

"I don't need recognition from other people," aku balas sambil menggeleng kepala. "I know myself better than anyone else."

"There are several people that I have promised to myself that I will give them a piece of my writing," aku beritahu. "I don't know when but I will," aku bisik kepada diri sendiri.

The other I (2)

"I am not your second self. Technically speaking, we are two different people," he said furiously. "Oh really?" I replied sarcastically. "If that so, tell me your name. For goodness' sake, you don't even have a name!"

"Of course I have a name," he's been very persistent. "No, wait. I really don't have a name, didn't I?" he said when he realized I was right. "Screw it. I don't need name or signature or label to prove my existence," he's still trying to convince me. "And the funny thing is, I'm exist because of you," he said.

"What if I don't need you anymore?" I asked. He looked at me very gravely and laughed lightly. "Believe me. You didn't want that to happen."

He was right. I need him. In fact, he's the only one who understand me very well. He's been here with me for a long time already.

"Don't worry. I'll find you a name." I said, in a modest tone.

Summary

Hurm, I don't know how to start this. Let's just say, this has been a wonderful week for me. Full of joy and excitement. A week that I will never forget for the rest of my life. Oh, thank God for everything.

Okay, I was lying. Contrariwise, I'm up to nothing for the the whole bloody week. I mean, sitting down in front of the computer for almost 24 hours a day is not something I'm really proud of. Anyway, I'm supposed to call my industrial training supervisor right after I sent some sort of confirmation letter to him and yes, I did. In fact I called him for two consecutive days and apparently he didn't even bother to pick up the damn phone. For heaven's sake, let's just not talk about it anymore.

Aku juga terpaksa mengharungi rutin harian yang membosankan. Malah aku tidak pasti samada ianya rutin dalam erti kata sebenar atau lebih kepada sesuatu yang aku lakukan di bawah pengaruh minda separa sedar. Dan kurangnya interaksi sosial dengan manusia lain menyebabkan aku tidak mempunyai begitu banyak perkara untuk ditulis kebelakangan ini. Occasionally I do hangout with some of my friends. Sitting down at our favourite Mamak, having so-called manly talk and laughing our asses off at lame jokes. You know, just like the good old days. But that's not enough.

I don't know what happened to me lately but never mind. I know I'll be just fine.

Himpunan Kata

Kanak-kanak berlari

   lukisan tergantung

          selimut basah

Kedinginan neraka

  kipas yang rosak

   botol arak pecah

The other I

"Fuck all this shit. You and me, we going to go against all odds," my Ego said. I gave him a cynical laugh. "What's wrong?" he asked. "Nothing," I responded. "I have failed. I'm in despair. I mean, look at me now. I'm a total failure."

"Oh come on. I'm here with you," he grabbed my shoulder. "Forget about it and let's do something crazy."

"What do you mean by doing something crazy?" I asked. "Oh boy. You know what I mean," he replied. I looked at him and said, "You know what, I really like you."

He smiled. "You always does."

This happens everytime (3)

I almost had big fight with Fatin on our last day in Seri Iskandar. We were arguing over silly matters and I can’t help but accidentally yelled at her. It was her fault, really. But still, I know I shouldn’t have done that.

Earlier that day, we decided to go dinner together, for the last time. The problem arises when she and her housemates, all of a sudden, wanted to watch new Twilight movie before having dinner with us. By us I mean, me and my housemates. The bloody Twilight starts at 10.30pm and will end roughly around 12am something.

And she expects us to wait for them, which is a big no. I told them to cancel the tickets. They said they have bought the tickets already. "Great job Fatin. You have officially ruined our dinner." I whispered to myself.

"No. I didn't plan it that way." I said when the argument took place. "We go for dinner and that's it. No Twilight whatsoever."

She still insisted to go watch the movie. "Memang salah kitorang tapi korang beralah la for the last time. Please." 

At first I said no. But then I don’t know what kind of spells she casts on us but we actually agreed to wait until midnight. How did she managed to convince us, especially me?

I have no idea.

This happens everytime (2)

Ayah always brought something for us when he came home from mosque every night. Namun lebih kepada makanan yang aku tidak gemar seperti roti yang datang dalam pelbagai jenis, bentuk dan rasa. I'm not a big fan of bread or any bread type products. I'm not sure why but I guess I just don't like it. Ego aku secara konsisten berkata, "No way. You are not going to eat that."

"Totally." Aku balas, bersetuju.

Tetapi kadangkala perut maha lapar ditambah dengan laci-laci kosong yang tidak menyimpan sebarang makanan tatkala bersendirian di rumah, memaksa aku untuk meneliti semula kata-kata aku tadi.

I had to swallow my Ego back and believe me, I'm not proud of it. Menelan roti adalah satu perkara. Menelan Ego adalah satu perkara yang lain pula.

This happens everytime

My brain keeps telling me, "The hell with grammatical error in your writing. As long as the point get across to the readers, nothing else matters."

But my Ego went another way. "No no no. You have to write properly. Grammar is important. That's what makes you better than anyone else. I'm sure you don't want to go against your own code of rules."

"Fuck both of you. I'm still typing this shit anyway." My fingers reacted. Perfectly.

I'm counting UFO's

I am dying of boredom here and the worst part is, I have nothing particular to write about. I spent all day watching lousy television programme, surfing random sites, reading books etc. Boooring and mundane, you know. And I should be writing something right now but my head keeps giving me excuses.

Let's start all over again. Shall we?

Only time will tell

It's going to be a hell of a week. I miss my housemates. I miss my friends. I miss the environment. I miss everything.

I really let myself get too emotionally attached with these people for a very long period of time. Which is, something that I will never regret.

We shared, well... almost everything. We have been through thick and thin. Ups and downs.

I want to compress everything into a one single great memory. Oh, how I wish!

Loveable (?)

I am making the biggest mistake in my life.

She's gone. For real. For good.

More on this later

I thought I had something to say to her. But no, I didn't.

It's over.

There's nothing left to be said.

Polite enough?

Nombor yang tidak dikenali tertera di skrin telefon aku.

"Ini Mimi ke?" Suara perempuan tiba-tiba menyergah tanpa sebarang pengenalan diri.

"No." Aku balas. "You are not speaking to Mimi."

I was like, who the hell is Mimi? Tiada sesiapa di rumah aku yang bernama Mimi.

"Siapa ni?" Dia bertanya dalam nada tergesa-gesa. 

"Ini. Bukan. Mimi." Adalah ayat terakhir yang aku balas sebelum menamatkan perbualan.

Cepatnya masa berlalu

20 December 2009 | Semester 1

Last day of college life (2)

Today is my last day at college. Took me almost two years and a half to finish the diploma level. Now here's come the hardest part of all. Where do I even begin with?

I want to write everything. From the very beginning until the day we walk out from college with fond memories that will remain forever.

I love them. I wish I could tell each one of them how much I love them.

I think this is not the right time to write anything. At all.

Nota seorang kawan lama (2)

Sewaktu menunggu giliran di sebuah restoran francais makanan segera tempohari, aku bertemu dengan seorang kawan lama dari sekolah menengah yang kebetulan turut sama beratur di belakang.

"Kenal lagi tak?" Aku tanya setelah yakin dengan reaksinya yang seakan mengiyakan bahawa kami saling mengenali antara satu sama lain.

"Kenal." Dia balas. "Berkerut dahinya cuba mengingati namaku. "Alep kan?"

Aku segera mengangguk. Aku amati wajahnya. Wajah yang sudah lama aku tidak ketemu. Kami pernah berada di dalam kelas yang sama ketika Tingkatan 1 dan 2. Perasaan yang tidak dapat digambarkan untuk kembali bertemu setelah hampir 5 tahun, mungkin. It's been so long since the last time I met her.

Yes. She's a girl, just so you know.

"Belajar mana sekarang?" Aku tanya.

"UiTM." Dia sambut. "Sem 6." Sambil jarinya menunjukkan angka enam.

We have this so-called little conversation or more like... you know, random conversation just for the sake of catching up with each other. By the end of our conversation, she asked for my phone number. So I gave it to her.

So that was it. Our first and last conversation after 5 years. And she hasn't called me yet.

Last day of college life

Hujan turun setitik demi setitik, meninggalkan tompok jelas pada baju kemejaku. Aku percepatkan langkah menuju ke arah kereta. Kiki, Meon dan Yo sudah berada jauh di hadapan. Aku berpaling ke belakang, menyaksikan beberapa orang rakan sekelas turut sama kebasahan sambil terkial-kial berlari menjinjing beg di atas kepala.

Coelho di dalam bukunya Aleph berpendapat, demam atau selsema bukanlah disebabkan oleh titis-titis hujan yang mengenai tubuh tetapi ianya adalah angkara virus yang menyerang. Atas alasan terpengaruh dengan kenyataannya, aku fikir ianya sesuatu yang cool untuk meredah hujan yang turun semakin lebat.

Masuk ke dalam kereta, aku duduk bertemankan ketidakselesaan. Beg, baju, seluar, fail, habis basah lencun. Aku segera mengelap muka yang basah. Dingin artifisial dari penghawa dingin langsung tidak membantu. Sewaktu bergerak keluar dari tempat parkir kereta, aku berselisih dengan Syamira dan Siti yang turut sama kebasahan.

Serta-merta aku tersenyum sendirian melihat kelibat mereka berdua menerusi tingkap kereta. Two beautiful young women and wet baju kurung is so tempting. Well, if you know what I mean. Ha ha!

Little conversation (2)

As we walked down the cobblestone path on our way back to the car park, Syamira told me, "Muka kau makin tembam sekarang."

"Ha'ah. Makin tembam." Siti turut sama bersetuju.

Aku berpaling memandang mereka lantas ketawa kecil melihat dua orang perempuan muda yang sungguh cantik ini. They are adorable just like that.

Then I looked at my tummy and I smiled again.

"Nahhh, I am doing just fine." I whispered in my heart. And yes, not a single fuck was given that day.

Nota keberadaan (6)

Writing is a part of my life. It's like when you're hungry, you eat. When you want to pee, you go to the loo. When you're tired, you go to sleep. When you're horny, you go for sex. Or masturbation. Either one.

Nahh, I was joking about the last part. Bottom line is, you don't have to be reminded about all these things. It just happened. Simple as abc.

Same goes with writing. I, somehow, feel incomplete going on a day without writing any. I must write. It kinda hard to explain but I must.

Utterly heartbroken (2)

I am too lazy to rewrite my short story. Sometimes I just want to lay in bed. Helplessly staring at the the ceiling and moving fan. Sometimes I feel like going out and get completely soaked in the rain.

What the hell just happened to me? I don't know.

O God, of course I knew. Sigh.

Writing is supposed to be fun. But this time around, it doesn't. The rewrite process is bloody unrelenting. Last time I checked, I wrote the story a couple of months ago which I have forgotten about it since then. Honestly when I re-read, I was like, "What the fuck is this shit?" I tried to find a glimpse of myself in every words and sentences to no avail. Frankly, I couldn't even relate myself into that story anymore. But it was my writing. My writing.

The word 'my' itself emphasize something personal. I mean, how could it not be personal? It meant something to me although it was poorly written.

"You don't often get a chance like this, so don't blow it away." dear Self told me.

I know. I might not have this chance anymore but I will stand for what I believe. I just want to be happy. To feel alive. Why do I have to force myself to do something totally tiresome and obviously tedious.

Funny when I still have time to write this and whining about the whole rewrite process. Irony at its finest.

Utterly heartbroken

I wish I was drunk or high when I wrote this but unfortunately I am not. Supaya aku tidak akan mampu mengingati apa sahaja yang bakal aku tulis selepas ini. Supaya aku terjaga kelak, segala mimpi ngeri ini akan lenyap tanpa sebarang kesan.

But you know what, maybe I shouldn't write anything right now. I am still sober.

A year from now

Memandang kalendar, menyelak helaian demi helaian sehingga aku akhirnya tiba pada tarikh 07 Nov 2012. Bermakna, setahun dari sekarang, aku bakal berusia 21 tahun. Roh aku pula akan selangkah lebih dekat dengan kematian. Kelakar bila mengenang aku mungkin mati tatkala sedang menaip ini.

Lebih spesifik, aku punyai 12 bulan atau lebih kurang 350 hari sebelum tibanya ulangtahun tarikh lahir aku pada tahun akan datang. Jika aku mampu menulis sebuah nota/karangan/catatan/jurnal/anekdot/puisi atau apa sahaja setiap hari tanpa gagal sepanjang tempoh tersebut, maka aku akan mempunyai sekurang-kurangnya 350 nota/karangan/catatan/jurnal/anekdot/puisi atau apa sahaja di dalam simpanan.

Kepuasan melempiaskan catatan berbaur peribadi untuk memberi makna dan nilai kepada keberadaan aku adalah suatu perasaan yang tulen.

Hello future Me!

Nota pelajar (23)

Oleh kerana aku masih bergelut dengan peperiksaan akhir, maka kebanyakan masa telah diisi dengan rutin harian maha bosan. Dengan berbaki tiga lagi kertas peperiksaan, menyaksikan tidur malam yang tidak mencukupi. Jadual makan yang bercelaru. Selerakan nota-nota ilmiah yang memenuhi segenap ruang bilik. Pakaian kotor yang menimbun di dalam bakul.

Aku hanya sempat menaip karangan ini setelah selesai qadha' tidur, perut yang kekenyangan, nota-nota yang sudah disusun dan pakaian kotor yang sudah dibasuh.

Jauh di sudut hati, aku pasti akan merindui hidup selaku seorang pelajar.

Inside out

"Your writing macam dah slow down lately." Dia beritahu aku ketika kami duduk berborak. Aku hanya mendengar dengan penuh perhatian. Sekali-sekala memandang wajahnya.

"Which is good actually." Dia tambah. "And above all, no harsh words anymore."

Aku dongak kepala lantas tersenyum memandang wajahnya. Wajah yang setia membaca setiap nota kehidupan yang aku catat. Wajah yang sentiasa menghargai tulisan aku tanpa jemu.

"But I miss the old me." Aku balas. Dalam hati.

Random typing (4)

I feel stupid. Aku tanya diri sendiri, “Kenapa letak diri dalam keadaan yang menyedihkan? You know you are better than this.”

I know the pain is temporary but...

“Tonight I can write the saddest lines. To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.” Adalah kata-kata Pablo Neruda. “Sometimes I love her. Sometimes I don’t.” Adalah kata-kata aku.

Untuk hilangkan kesakitan ini, I have to find someone else to replace her. That’s how the whole epiphany going to be solved, I think.

Move on already, I told myself. Aku tidak rindukan wajahnya. Aku tidak rindukan senyumannya. Aku cuma tewas kepada diri sendiri. How I could let myself lost in this stupid, pointless battle?

I didn’t follow my own code of rules. Semua ini tidak akan berlaku jika aku tidak melanggar kod peraturan sendiri.

When things didn’t go my way, I must stop.

Our progress does not tally. We are not compatible. Goddamnit, apa yang aku mengarut ini? No, this is random typing.

I thought I’m a full-time pessimist. No, I’m not. I have this unconscious optimism living in me.

I don’t care about my grammatical error.

I have to learn to let go. She’s not the right one for me. She’s not.

But I’m in fucking denial. This crappy notes, aku akan ketawa membacanya satu hari nanti. I hate to write all this shit. It shows how vulnerable I am. But fuck, I am just a normal being (well, not so).

I write whatever I want. This is my fucking life. This is the chapter of miserable me.

Dear Self, have faith!

Bookgasm (3)

Fatin belikan aku sebuah buku Paulo Coelho bertajuk Aleph. Dia beritahu buku itu adalah sebagai ganti kepada buku yang hilang tempohari dan juga sebagai hadiah hari lahir.

Sebelum ini, aku sendiri bercadang untuk membeli buku Eleven Minutes oleh penulis yang sama tetapi sehingga kini tidak ketemu bukunya. Ditambah dengan aku kurang mahir membuat belian secara online, meskipun tanpa segan silu mengaku diri sebagai pakar Internet.

Tatkala buku tersebut bertukar tangan antara kami, aku ucap terima kasih sambil tersenyum lebar. Demi Tuhan, aku tidak mampu berhenti dari mengukir senyuman di bibir. Ianya perasaan yang sungguh istimewa kerana setiap buku yang aku perolehi/beli adalah umpama jatuh cinta padang pertama.

Aku jatuh cinta pada bau kertas yang menggiurkan, warna kertas yang kusam serta susunatur huruf cetak yang sejajar.

“For this book,” aku beritahu Fatin, “I got to say I love you.”

Ahh, Ipoh! (3)

I spent a day with my housemates and Miss F and her cute little sister. Since we are already in our last semester, I guess this is the least we can do together with so little time left.

We had lunch somewhere in Ipoh. Special place called ‘Nasi Ganja’. Most of the locals here would recognize this place. I like the whole place, the vibe, the uniqueness, the chaotic yet inviting environment, the long queue waiting outside, the blend of heterogeneous customer. Oh my, such a vivid memories!

According to myth, you will feel super sleepy after having nasi ganja. Alas, that’s how the place got its name. Yes, it’s true indeed; I do feel sleepy after having one. I don’t know what kind of secret ingredient they put in either rice or curry but as long as it tastes good, I’m okay with it.

Perfect weekend, yeay!

Rhetorical question

Pagi Sabtu yang dimulakan dengan hujan yang turun waktu Subuh membasahi bumbung dan jalan tar.

Aku bangun awal. Berjalan ke tandas, cuci muka dan selesakan diri dengan suasana dingin yang masih menyelubungi.

Kemudian muncul bisikan di dalam diri, "Nak buat apa hari ini?"

I am awesome

"When I call your name, please raise your hands up." I said.

"Self-confessed narcissist."

"Pseudo-pessimist."

"Hopeless romantic."

"So-called writer."

"Sweet talker."

"Hubris."

"Eros."

"Muse."

They raised up their hands, one by one.

"Good." I smiled. "Make yourself comfortable and try to make friends with each other."

But the truth is, they didn't even bother to say a word or put a smile on their face. I tried to talk with them to no avail. The whole ice breaking session was a complete fiasco.

Never mind, I know they will get along just fine.

Tell you what (8)

Secara peribadi, menulis adalah eskapism. Hidup yang dihambat kesibukan dan kesuntukan masa adalah sesuatu yang menjengkelkan. Aku kini terperangkap di dalam rutin harian yang menjemukan. Jadi jalan keluarnya adalah dengan melakarkan sedikit idea, buah fikiran dan luahan perasaan ke dalam kerangka tulisan.

Up (2009)

Dua hari lepas aku tonton filem Up (2009) buat kali pertama. Seleksi filem yang tidak mengecewakan. Langsung.

Aku tak tahu tema filem ini tentang apa namun sekadar meneka, aku kira pengorbanan dan cinta yang terpapar di skrin komputer ini sungguh indah. Carl dan Ellie berkongsi idealism, impian dan cita-cita yang sama. Apa yang mereka percaya tidak penting tetapi apa yang lebih penting ialah mereka memilih untuk percaya.

Berkenalan sejak kecil, meningkat remaja, berkahwin dan kemudian mengharungi hari-hari tua sebelum Ellie meninggal dunia membawa bersamanya impian yang turut sama tidak terlaksana. Dengan berpegang teguh kepada ketentuan Takdir, secara peribadi, aku fikir situasi Carl yang terkontang-kanting menyesuaikan diri dengan ketiadaan Ellie di sisi tidaklah begitu menjentik perasaan. Selaku pseudo-pessimist, I expect nothing but the worst. Ya, aku juga mempunyai impian tetapi kaki aku tetap berpijak di bumi nyata. Dengan penuh kesedaran, aku tahu, impian aku juga mungkin tidak akan mampu tercapai sampai bila-bila. So that's how life goes. Move on already!

Kecekalan Carl mempertahankan rumahnya yang semakin ditelan kepesatan hutan batu juga adalah pengorbanan yang sangat bermakna. Rumah di mana titik tolak kehidupan mereka berdua bermula, kebahagiaan yang tidak putus kunjung dan juga impian yang dibina bersama. Memori indah yang masih merewang di dalam rumah dan paling ketara, impian Ellie juga masih berada di dalam rumah ini.

Pengembaraan Carl ke Paradise Falls, tanpa sengaja ditemani seorang kanak-kanak kecil bernama Russell (pengakap atau apa aku tak pasti) adalah cubaan penuh nekad untuk memenuhi impian yang seakan-akan hampir terkubur. Adegan Carl menarik rumahnya (yang masih terapung dek kerana belon helium) menghala ke arah Paradise Falls adalah simbol bebanan emosi, tanggungjawab serta kasih sayang terhadap arwah isterinya.

Namun adegan yang masih jelas bermain di dalam fikiran aku adalah ketika pasca pergelutan di atas kapal terbang yang menyaksikan watak antagonis, Muntz jatuh di celah hutan tebal di Paradise Falls. Saat rumah Carl  tenggelam ke dalam awan tebal, di sini segalanya hampir menuju penyudah. Carl sudah mampu menerima hakikat bahawa realiti mengatasi segalanya. Ikatan fizikal (rumah) yang wujud antara Carl dan Ellie juga bakal digantikan dengan lancapan memori indah mereka berdua yang semestinya masih utuh di dalam minda.

"You know, it's just a house," kata Carl kepada Russell sambil melihat rumahnya perlahan-lahan turun ditarik graviti.

20's

Today is my birthday. I wish nothing but the very best for myself. I didn't plan to go out anywhere today to celebrate except maybe lepaking with some of my best friends later on.

To be honest, I received no phone call. Nobody called me up and wish happy birthday. And I received several text messages, first from Chem and then Loveable and then Miss F and that's all.

Minus the laconic birthday wishes from Facebook friends which doesn't count.

No, I'm not even sad or frustrated. I mean, why should I? This had just made me realize that I am not always a priority in someone else's life. Now you should know why I only hold a bunch of good people in my friendship circle.

I still have family and friends around me. Being surrounded by them, make me feel needed.

Because I am cool liddat.

Smiling sweetheart

Letting go. The hardest part of all. When things didn't go my way, I shall bear the fact that Life is not a fairy tale.

Long story short, I have met this one pretty girl. I kept telling myself on how sweet, lovely and adorable she is. Or was. While browsing through memories, I found that she was kinda boring and dull. I am just comforting myself that she wasn't. Ya, in denial, sort of.

Temporary. Yes, her temporary existence has somehow changed my life. Well, not entirely but every bit of her brings the best out of me. How sweet!

I am being paranoid, and too afraid for the next phase. Uncertainty can be terrifying and inhibiting, you know. I couldn't accept the fact that she might not be the right one.

I know it's going to hurt. There's always a little pain in Love. I am fully aware that I am making the biggest mistake of my life but I couldn't help myself.

Aidiladha

Ianya pagi Aidiladha dan aku dipaksa oleh Ayah untuk bangun awal. It was 6 something in the morning. Selesai bersembahyang Subuh (tak pasti samada aku sembahyang dalam mimpi atau apa), aku tidur semula.

Aku masih ingat Ayah berpesan sebelum aku terlelap, "Pergi sembahyang Raya nanti."

Dalam mamai aku kata, okay.

Tidak berapa lama kemudian, aku terjaga. Aku lihat jam, sudah hampir pukul 10 pagi. "There goes my sembahyang Raya." Nevermind, I knew that was going to happen anyway.

And next thing I know, I was sitting at the table having rendang and lemang. Yummy!

Table manners

My sister told me that I chew too loud. Aku geleng kepala dan kata, "Mana ada." Dia angguk kepala, "Yup, ada."

So this one got me thinking. Is that so?

Serasanya, aku mengunyah dengan perlahan (dan sopan), that very unlikely to produce the nom nom nom sound.

No way. She must be wrong. Totally.

Picture (6)

Haikal Haziq dan Chiko. Good morning and Salam Aidiladha!

Nota untuk Housemates (3)

Salah faham sesama housemates, bagi aku, adalah perkara biasa. Seringkali bermula dengan pertelagahan emosi/ego, membawa kepada perbalahan fizikal dan paling parah, menjurus kepada pergelutan fizikal.

We are still young, back then.

I still remember this one time when we had a big fight that spilled out pure anger and discontentment. Really big fight that came out from nowhere. To witnessed the whole incident, I swear to God, I was shivering inside out. I knew the day would come eventually.

And we never said a word about the incident ever again. Some things are just too painful to be reminisced.

Glowing sun

Menulis. Di atas  kertas

                          meja

                       dinding.

Di dalam kepala.

Minda aku menaip segalanya tanpa henti. Seumpama aku menulis senaskhah buku mengenai sebuah perjalanan hidup. Nota-nota halimunan berserakan, yang disusun dan disunting dengan kadang comot, kadang teliti.

Nota yang kamu (dan juga aku) sedang baca ketika ini adalah terjemahan refleksi apa yang terkandung di dalam fikiran. Falsafah esentrik diri yang digaul bersama serpihan pengalaman.

Ya, menulis tanpa jemu. Aku tahu, aku tak mungkin salah tentangnya.

Code 1.3

Never tell a girl you write blog. Tell her you are writer.

In my head (7)

Here

Pseudo-narcissistic (2)

"Best kan bila baca balik teks mesej sebelum tidur," aku kata pada Kiki sebelum kami berdua lelapkan mata. Perbualan rawak untuk menyegerakan proses tidur.

"Mesti." Kiki balas. "Itu perkara wajib sebelum tidur."

Tetapi apa yang dia tidak tahu adalah, most of the time I only re-read my own text messages. You know, the stuff in my sent items folder. Not the one that belongs in my inbox folder.

My words are genius. I know I'm awesome.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0

In my head (6)

Incompatible. Loveable. Unfinished story. Confession. Temporary existence. Chemistry. This isn't right. Excitement. Nothingness. Adorable. Boring. Confusion. In denial. Comforting myself. Failed. Pain. I'm done. No, I'm not.

Gap

I really dig one of my lecturers writing. I have been a silent reader (stalker sounds unsubtle) since duh, I can't recall. She barely knows me, kerana aku tidak pernah berpeluang berada di dalam kelasnya. I heard a lot of stories about her. Mostly bad stories. But I don't really give a fuck and I just don't want to be judgemental toward her. I mean, I have nothing against her. Plus, I don't build perception of her based on shitty and slutty rumors.

Apa yang aku tahu, dia menulis dengan begitu indah despite bernada suram dan gelap. The hell and devil thingy she mentions in her writing really turned me on. Bait-bait tulisannya dikarang dengan tona yang mampu mengheret pembaca untuk sama-sama melalui secebis pengalaman dunia kecilnya. Perasaan yang aku dapat adalah seperti berpeluang melawat kubikelnya dan duduk di satu sudut untuk mendengar syarahan ideologi yang berbaur peribadi. Kemudian pulang dengan memikirkan konsekuensi yang bakal aku hadam.

The warm feeling I get whenever I read her post. I love the way she express herself in such way.

I love her thoughts.

Nota pelajar (22)

So first off, assignments. Tons of assignments. Maybe I exaggerated a little bit here, but seriously, I just want to get things done, the sooner the better.

Banyak perkara yang perlu diselesaikan. Banyak idea yang perlu dicurahkan. Aku tak mahu nikmat hujung minggu diganggu oleh urusan pelajaran yang tertangguh. See, I'm a good student. Not!

Virtual vs Reality

Aku pandang skrin komputer, melihat Ihsaan sedang bermain aplikasi dalam komputer.

"Kenapa paused?" aku tanya tatkala menyaksikan aplikasi beku sementara.

"Level ni susah nak lepas. Ihsaan takut kalah nanti," dia beritahu.

"Takpe la. Kalau mati, boleh hidup balik. Game je pun," aku balas. That's what I told him and he grinned at me.

What I didn't told him was, life has no undo, restart, pause or whatsoever button. You just have to move on, no matter what happens in the future.

Take care, Take care, Take care

I went to bed around 4am last night. I was forced to wake up at 6 something this morning and send Ihsaan to the school.

Aku buka pintu rumah, cuaca dingin. Matahari bangkit memberi sedikit sinar. Kabus masih menyelimuti. Jalanraya basah kesan hujan malam tadi. Konon mahu bersimbiosis dengan suasana, aku pasang lagu Postcard From 1952 di dalam kepala.

"Cepat, nanti lambat." Aku kata pada Ihsaan.

Ihsaan segera sarung kasut, galas beg dan kami menghala ke sekolah. Sepanjang perjalanan yang singkat, kami tidak berbicara. Mungkin kerana lagu Postcard From 1952 masih berkumandang. Cuma sekali aku pandang wajah Ihsaan, aku senyum. Ihsaan pula kekal dengan ekspresi stoic.

Di depan pintu pagar sekolah, aku tanya, "Ihsaan balik pukul--"

Belum sempat aku habiskan ayat, dia sudah lari menerpa ke dalam sekolah.

Dan sewaktu pulang, lagu Trembling Hands mengambil alih dan iramanya mula menari girang di dalam kepala.

Ianya pagi Jumaat yang indah.

Nota pelajar (21)

"Too much wording," she commented. "Your presentation slide should be simple and neat."

Simple and neat. In fact, I did just that. I put everything into consideration. The simplicity, neatness, clarity and etc. My slide appears to be just nice. Neither too dull nor very flamboyant. At least, that's what I thought.

Before going through the whole presentation process, I equipped myself with knowledge on that particular subject. So that I'm not going to get verbally bashed afterward. But some of my classmates are dumb as fuck; doing presentation without any preparation.

I admit, sometimes, I am, myself, having trouble and couldn't get my point across to the audience in much more simple way. The worst is when my head suddenly went blank and I could do nothing but stood there in front of the class, trying to think of a word. Funny story.

I still remember when I was talking about opportunities in emerging markets. "There are many opportunities for foreign companies to invest in Malaysia."

"Betul ke ni?" some of them asked me in a sarcastic manner.

"Yes, because Malaysia has the yada yada yada..." and there goes my crappy explanation. But just remember one thing, be firm with your explanation.

Okay, back to the presentation slide thingy.

"This is kind of lazy work," she added.

"Err... lazy work. What the fish?" I whispered to myself. But then again, that was her opinion. I respect that and I'm not even offended.

Hiatus?

I am emotionally unstable right now. Maybe a little break from this chaotic and erratic life, will put my mind at ease. When things didn't work out, I know, I just need to stop.

Title?

I went to stupid job fair in UiTM Seri Iskandar last Tuesday. Hella boring. I was there for, like, 3 or 4 hours, being approached by few companies and agencies. Oh, horde of high school students were there too.

And.... that's all.

Picture (5)

Makanan yang sedap, and bunch of real close friends. Kenyangkan perut dengan hidangan istimewa sempena Deepavali. Cheers!

Intoxicated (7)

07:00pm Mon 24 Oct 2011

Ianya 7 petang dan dentuman kilat maha kuat membuatkan aku terjaga dari tidur, mamai terpinga-pinga. I was scared, terrified of lightning that hit not once but twice. Dentuman pertama menyebabkan aku lekas bangkit, segera menerpa ke arah pintu. Suis utama yang terpelantik menyaksikan suasana rumah sudah sedia gelap.

And then the lightning struck again for the second time. I was like, "Please God. This is horrifying. I can't take it no more."

I tried to calm myself but to no avail. All of the sudden, in the blink of an eye, I feel like all my life flashed before my eyes. I was shivering. I'm afraid of dying. I feel useless. I feel hopeless. Mengenangkan pahala yang mungkin tiada langsung sebagai bekalan dan dosa seluas kosmos yang aku tanggung.

Nyawa aku boleh direnggut bila-bila masa. Nyawa aku digenggam oleh Kuasa yang lebih besar. I feel ashamed for not being a devout Muslim. Sometimes, I'm even questioning God authority. I know, I shouldn't have done it. I mean, who the hell am I to do that?

Healthy meal

07:45pm Mon 24 Oct 2011

I don't hate pop music. Tell you what, conglomerates, they are just doing their part to commercialize music and make money out of it. This might sound shitty but for God sake, this is the reality.

If I'm about to disobey my own code of rules, I believe I will end up being on the capitalist side. Tetapi itu adalah cerita lain, jadi lupakan.

We are consumers. Each one of us are part of the buying cycle. As long as you have the money, you are part of it. You cannot say, "No, I have nothing to do with all this shit." That is, Sir, because you, yourself, are full of shit. There is no exception unless you are living alone in the woods.

We are born with unique desire. Different people have different needs and wants. For example, some people really dig Mars Volta but you gotta admit it, some people doesn't. And you cannot blame those people for not liking something you consider as cool. Ask yourself, what is cool?

If you are hoping that pop music era gonna end, well, you better stop dreaming. You think those conglomerates gonna sit back and do nothing? In your dream, my dear. I would say pop music as let's say, junk food. Yes, it tastes good and all but you don't need junk food to keep on living. In fact, you don't need it in your daily nutrition pyramid. At all.

The truth is, we still have a lot of varieties and choices of junk food in market because there are demand from consumers. Remember supply and demand forces? No demand means no supply. The main reason why conglomerates still able to produce pop music because there are always a demand from consumers. Pheww, never ending process, I tell you.

I prefer Explosions In The Sky for breakfast. Radiohead for lunch. The Strokes for dinner and Coldplay for supper. This is healthy meal, well at least for me. I do enjoy different types of music genre but too much junk food, I mean, pop music is a big no.

Nota pelajar (20)

02:00pm Mon 24 Oct 2011

I don't know how much money left in my bank account. Hafiz asked me a favor this morning to borrow some money. Aku tanya dia, duit untuk apa. Dia beritahu, duit untuk buku teks Business Ethics.

So I said okay and promised him I'll bring the money tomorrow. 

Sometimes it feels good not to be on the receiving side. Semoga aku diberkati Tuhan.

Unfold me

Ketika melepak bertemankan segelas air, aku masih ingat bagaimana seorang kawan baik aku bercerita mengenai kehidupannya di tempat orang, pergelutan hierarki sosial di kalangan pelajar, semangat asabiyah di dalam kelas dan seterusnya membawa kepada borak kosong mengenai pensyarah di kolejnya, "Semester ni nasib baik aku dapat lecturer okay."

"Miss F," aku sebut lantas ketawa. Membawa aku mengundur bebeberapa detik ke belakang, menyelongkar laci memori.

"She taught me English when I was in semester 3. Cool, young and full of passion. And she's awesome too."

"Miss?" dia balas, memandang aku. Kemudian dia ketawa kecil.

"It's not like what you think," aku jawab, menduga fikiran telepati. "She's more like a sister to me."

To be honest, I don't know how it feel to have a sister. To have someone older than you among siblings. To guide me in making decisions. To listen to my thoughts and ramblings. To comfort me through ups and downs.

The fact that she is being very supportive?

God bless me.

A perfect dinner (3)

So we arrived, sat down and ready for dinner.

Sedia menunggu kami di restoran adalah Chem, Chah dan lain-lain. Kami tiba pada pukul 10, yakni sejam lewat dari rancangan asal. I know we are late tetapi salahkan cuaca dingin pasca-hujan yang membuatkan kami serumah keberatan untuk mandi dan bersiap. Due to our lateness, I would consider this as a failed dinner.

Nevermind, there's always a next time. Or maybe not.

Aku selesakan diri dengan membelek kad menu atasbawahdepanbelakang dengan teliti sebelum memesan makanan. Suasana dingin sedikit sebanyak membuatkan perut aku minta segera diisi. Pelayan yang mengambil pesanan di meja kami adalah seorang perempuan muda. Cantik, manis bertudung dan punyai senyuman menawan. Kombinasi yang tidak pernah gagal membuatkan aku berkata, "Oh Tuhan, nais one!"

"Lawa kan dia? Sweet." Aku kata pada Chah tatkala melihat pelayan ini meloncat dari satu meja ke meja lain mengambil pesanan.

"Kakak." Chah panggil, menyaksikan pelayan itu tadi berpaling menoleh ke arah kami. "Dia cakap kakak lawa," sambil jarinya menuding ke arahku. Pelayan itu tersenyum sebelum berlalu pergi, segan barangkali.

Segera aku alihkan pandangan pada Chah. "Hey, you don't have to say it to her but anyway, thank you," aku kata dalam hati.

Setelah selesai urusan pembayaran, little did I know, pelayan itu tadi, menurut Chah, sudah bertunang dan bakal berkahwin pada bulan hadapan.

"Bulan ni last dia kerja sini," Chah beritahu aku.

"Umur dia berapa?" aku tanya selepas buntu untuk memberi reaksi apa.

"24."

"Damn it," aku jerit di dalam hati, spontan.

This is a failed dinner. Totally.

Picture (4)

Haikal Haziq | 21 10 2011

Loveable (10)

"Alep." When she want to tell or ask me something, she will mention my name first.

"Ya?" I responded, politely.

I love her voice, calling out my name.

Code 1.2

I broke my own code of rules. Once again.


"Never send text to a girl, so early in the morning."


But this time, her sweetness is just too hard to resist. Good morning Love!

Little reminder (3)

I'll be busy until this Friday. Wait for me, will ya?

Loveable (9)

Last night, I'm in total despair. Berperang dengan mata mengantuk, bergelut dengan perut lapar, letih menyiapkan tugasan yang perlu dibentangkan awal pagi, pening memikirkan perihal latihan industri dll.

So I called her to have a little conversation. Upon hearing her voice, all my problems seem to go away. I feel weightless, metaphorically. 

Aku tahu, mungkin kehadirannya dalam hidup aku hanya sementara. Ya whatever.

Now I know why I keep coming back to her.

Sedatif Imaginasi Terlarang (8)

"Beauty alone is not enough," dia bersyarah pada aku dengan kapasiti sebagai seorang kawan dan juga seorang perempuan.

"Tapi..."

"What else are important?" dia cantas, "Communication."

"Two way communication between you and her. Itu yang penting. You don't have to push yourself too hard to entertain her," dia tambah.

"How about you, yourself?" dia tambah lagi, "I know you having fun chasing her around, but ask yourself. Berbaloi ke?"

"Aku mengaku, mungkin tak berbaloi. But I'm willing to risk it all."

"Degilnya!" dia balas dalam nada geram.

"Tell me why. Why should I let go of everything? Especially when everything in under my control."

"Under control?" dia balas, "Buat lawak ke apa ni?"

Aku senyum, gelengkan kepala, "No... I'm not."

"You're way out of control. Remember the last time you fall in love with a girl. What was the stupid name you gave to her?"

"Si Gadis. Her name was Si Gadis," aku beritahu, "and that name doesn't sound like anything stupid."

Dia ketawa, "Ya whatever. But the thing is, you put yourself too much and way beyond your limitation when it comes to relationship. Come on, you're the coolest person I've ever met. I know you're better than this."

Aku diam seketika, memikirkan kata-katanya yang mengandungi kebenaran. Mungkin hanya aku sahaja yang masih samar-samar.

"You think I should give up on her?"

"It's up to you. I'll always be right here, inside your mind. Whenever you need me."

"Better left undecided, at least for the time being. Malas nak fikir," aku balas, tanpa menyedari, aku telah pun membuat sebuah keputusan.

It does feel good to have a nice and long conversation with myself. Yes, sometimes I imagine myself as a woman. I mean not physically but the idea of being a woman, as a genuine and genius one. What's wrong with that anyway?

Imagination at its finest.

Nota untuk Mereka (7)

Manjakan Haikal. Ya, mungkin. Kerana aku begitu menyayanginya. Jika dia menangis kerana diusik oleh sesiapa, I'll always be there for him. To protect him. To shield him. To comfort him.

I'll scold them right away. Then I'll tell him, "Dah dah. Jangan menangis. Jangan kawan dengan diorang. Abang kan ada?"

Aku sering bertanya padanya, "Umur Haikal berapa?"

"Hmmm, 5!"

"Boleh cium pipi tak?"

"Boleh. Tapi cium sebelah je," dia merujuk pada pipi sebelah kiri yang gebu.

"Mana boleh cium sebelah je," aku sanggah, "Kena cium kiri kanan, baru betul."

"Boleh. Tapi... cium sekejap je haa. Tak boleh lama-lama."

Aku kucup kedua belah pipi sambil memeluk erat tubuh kecilnya. Semoga dia mengerti, jauh di sudut hati, ianya sebuah tanda kasih sayang seorang abang kepada seorang adik.

Terima kasih Tuhan, untuk segala-galanya.

Illegal download

Click to enlarge.

Nota pelajar (19)

Dua tugasan berkumpulan yang perlu disiapkan.

Pertama ialah tugasan subjek Global Supply Chain Management. We need to pick any retail outlet or hypermarket, act as a so-called mystery shopper and make an observation on its daily customer service practises including criteria such as shopping experience, product availability, service efficiency and etc. After observation was made, here's come the boring part, writing a final report out of it.

Kedua ialah tugasan subjek Business Policy. We need to conduct a research on any multinational company to gain information regarding their entrepreneurial strategies, method of entering foreign market and last but not least, strategic alliances and networks. And yes, you read that right. A research.

At certain stages or phases, I never like (hate is such a strong word) doing group assignment, project or presentation. I have to deal with endless emotions, feelings, ideas, thoughts and whatnot. Why not just focus on one single brilliant idea. My idea.

I know this sounds a bit selfish. Or narcissist. Or pessimist. Or whatever.

They are slowing me down. They are holding me back. They are dragging me down to the highest level of miserability.

Maybe I'm filled with negativity. Or narcissism. Or pessimism. Or whatever.

Apa-apa lah. All that matters is getting the work done. Let's put all those emotions whatsoever aside, shall we?

Reminder to self (?)

Aku selalu berpesan pada diri sendiri. Jika tiada apa untuk ditulis, jangan terlalu memaksa diri. There are times that some things are better left unsaid, better left unspoken, better left unwritten.

Tetapi ianya sering berakhir, dengan aku, tetap juga memaksa diri untuk menulis sesuatu. I guess it goes naturally. Something that I love to do without even realizing it. I always subconciously end up writing something.

Attention. Yes, we want to be valued and noticed by other people. Tetapi jika tiada perhatian diberikan oleh sesiapa, apakah segala-galanya akan/sedang/sudah berakhir? The answer is, a big fucking no. You need to learn how to love yourself, love your thoughts, love your everything. Just be proud of yourself. That's all.

Tanamkan di dalam diri, life is not a fucking fairy tale. And stop thinking that the world only revolve around you. Walaupun polemik ini bakal membawa kepada satu persoalan yang lain, seriously, the hell with it.

Moralis insaf

Seharian berada di dalam kelas Business Ethics menyaksikan aku larut dalam lautan teori dan falsafah. Yang terkesan membosankan. Dengan segala definisi maha jargon dan juga cabang-cabang penerangan yang kedengaran ganjil pada aku.

Pensyarah aku bertanya, "Apa beza moral dan undang-undang?"

"Moral adalah satu set universal yang mampu diterima pakai oleh semua golongan. Manakala undang-undang lebih kepada satu skop yang berasimilasi dengan masyarakat setempat," lebih kurang begitu jawapannya dalam kadar yang mentah. Jika ditelesuri lebih jauh, lebih banyak cabang penerangan yang timbul.

"Apasal tak langgar je la lampu merah tu tadi," kawan aku membebel, sedang aku menunggang dan dia membonceng di belakang. Kami berdua menghala pulang ke rumahnya untuk mengambil sesuatu.

Aku diam seketika sebelum beri alasan, "Kalau kena saman, kau bayar? Aku takde hal."

Perbualan seterusnya serta-merta bernada janggal.

Perbualan yang tertangguh

"Why can't you just tell me the truth?" she asked me.

"I'm sorry, I can't," I replied, politely.

"Why?" she insisted.

"Because telling you so, isn't the right thing to do. It's like asking my parents, "Can I get some money, to buy weed?" I explained.

"It can't be that bad," she refused to give up.

"Well, obviously, you are not the right person for me to talk about this. I'm sorry," was my answer to her.

"You don't even try," she sighed tenderly.

Code 1.1

"Sesi melepak yang sempurna perlukan lebih daripada dua orang dan tidak melebihi sepuluh orang."

Wait, what the hell just happened?

They are young. Full of passion. And obviously, dumb as fuck. I'm talking about freshie in my college. They know nothing yet berlagak macam tahu semua. Alaa, aku pun lebih kurang macam tu juga dulu. Walaupun mungkin tak seteruk mereka.

I'm doing good for this semester. My last semester in this shitty opss sorry sacred college. Mengharungi tugasan individu dan projek berkumpulan dengan err... I don't know, copy and paste everything on the Internet and tadaaaa, assignment done! Research my ass.

Mempunyai haters dari kalangan junior juga adalah satu perkara yang cool. Mereka fikir aku mahu rampas kekasih, gf, buah hati mereka. Well, memang pun. No lah, saje memain. Tapi serius la, takut apakebendanya? Mengarut betul. Nanti aku rampas betul-betul baru tau. Setiap kali lalu di sebelah well let's say Haris, dia akan pandang aku dengan pandangan, "You, stay away from her. Keep all your sweet stuff to yourself. Or in other words, tolong la jangan rampas dia dari saya."

And then I bumped into let's say, Riduan yang sedang minum di kafe. Riduan akan toleh dan pandang aku dengan riak muka tak puas hati. Kawan Riduan di sebelahnya let's say bernama, Adam akan mengapi-apikan Riduan dengan berkata, "Ni la senior yang kacau perempuan yang kau suka tu. Aku dengar cerita dia pandai menulis dan terkenal. Last week dia ada bagi bunga dekat perempuan tu. Celaka doh dia tu."

Rumours spread like fudge. And me? How about me? I'm doing good, almost unaffected by any of those shit. I'll keep on writing, menulis bahasa rojak Melayu English. Sloppy notes yang tiada tujuan (mungkin ada, tetapi bersimpang siur. We will get to that as soon as possible. Don't worry)

Aku sendiri pernah melalui waktu muda. In fact, aku masih muda. I have one friend yang entah la nak cakap macam mana, tapi dia memang cool. He's quite old tetapi perangai muda. Mungkin dia condong ke arah hedonisme tapi itu belakang kira. Lagi satu, bukan childish tetapi muda. Childish adalah sesuatu yang bangang. Grow some balls, pretty please.

And again, last semester, I have sooooooo much to write about. Tetapi semuanya dalam nada nostalgik, melankolik, mendayu-dayu, sedih dan err... tidak seronok. Maybe this is not the right time.

What else? Aha! Tujuan nota ini. Entah la, I have no idea. Aku lapar ni.

Wait wait wait. Bila baca balik dari atas ke bawah, dua tiga kali, macam tak percaya aku tulis semua ini? Seriously? What the hell just happened? Aku dirasuk apa? Hurm, I guess, memang betul aku lapar gila ni.