Perang dalam hati

"You know, your circle of friends is not going to last forever. And it's getting smaller over time. Why the need to sit around the house feeling sorry for yourself, when you could be out there having fun, or making new friends. Stop playing victim because it's not anyone's fault. In fact, it's never anyone's fault. Please, I'm begging you, please meet new people. Talk to them. Learn new things. Because there's so much more to life. Cutting the cord with your college friends was never a good idea. Look at what you have done. You don't call, or text back. You don't know shit about them anymore. Last month, B got married, and where were you? You didn't even bother to show up."

Shut up, dear Self.

How are we still breathing? (2)

Deep inside, I need someone who genuinely care, and accept me for who I am. Seseorang yang seronok luangkan masa bersama aku. Seseorang yang tak sabar untuk kongsi berita baik atau buruk dengan aku. Seseorang yang ketawa semahunya tiap kali aku buat sesuatu yang kelakar. Selaku self-appointed narcissist, aku tidak pinta banyak dalam sebuah hubungan kecuali hal-hal kecil begini.

Because I can tolerate almost anything, I kid you not.

"You ni perangai macam perempuan. Ada je yang tak kena," FS merungut bila aku macam orang gila cari stokin tak jumpa. Aku selongkar dalam beg pakaian kami berdua, aku cari di sudut katil, aku cari dalam laci almari, aku cari merata-rata, tapi tak jumpa.

"Dah, biar jelah dah tak ada," aku putus asa, malas nak ambil peduli. "Jom turun breakfast sama-sama."

"Malaslah nak turun. I want to stay in bed," FS balas. Okay, now I'm getting a mixed signals. Aku geleng kepala, sebelum ambil keputusan untuk berbaring di sebelah FS. Aku rapatkan bibir ke dahinya. "I wish we could stay here a little longer."

FS diam sejenak, sebelum menoleh memandang aku. "You ada life you sendiri. I ada life I sendiri. It is worth the risk?"

"Maybe," aku balas dalam hati.

Last night, after taking a stroll down the beach, we went to bed early. "I want to kiss you," aku kata, sewaktu berada di atas FS.

She began to giggle for no reason. "Uh-uhh," FS geleng kepala, dengan bibir diketap perlahan. I pressed my lips against hers. "Uh-uhh," she shook her head and then giggled again.

"You ni gila ke apa tak habis-habis ketawa ni," giliran aku pula untuk ketawa kecil.

"You la gila," sebelum kucupan aku akhirnya disambut mesra.

I adore her high-spirited and happy-go-lucky attitude. It takes the pressure off me and all the guesswork out too. Above all, she makes me feel wanted. And yes, I'm starting to feel like I'm the girl in a relationship.

Over and over again

Aku tidak tahu jika ada manusia yang masih ambil serius setiap tulisan aku. 

I write things that reflects my life. Jika kamu ingin tulisan-tulisan imaginasi liar, nota-nota pseudo-deep, diari peribadi kusam dan repetitif, you'll be in for a treat. Kalau kamu cari esei ilmiah atau tulisan penuh warna-warni dunia, well, you're in a wrong place.

I'm well aware that I'm stuck in a continuous loop since early 2013. Tulisan aku balik-balik berkisar hal yang sama. Hubungan (manusia/Tuhan) yang gagal, tulisan tentang tulisan, kesunyian, ketidakgembiraan, kemurungan. Seolah diri ini hanya tahu merungut tanpa jemu, dan membuatkan aku jadi apa yang dipanggil sebagai sullen whiner.

But I write well, don't I? No? Okay, moving on.

Tetapi itu tidak mengapa, aku kira. Dan subjek tulisan aku bukanlah soal utama di sini. As long as I keep on writing, I know I'll be just fine. Since I figured that's the only way to avoid having those thoughts in my head, even for a little while.

Because it will always come back. No matter how far I run or hide.

How are we still breathing?

Siapa sangka perempuan yang pernah aku (cuba) cintai satu ketika dahulu, kini berada di sisi, bersama-sama meluangkan waktu cuti.

Nevertheless, we are here as a friend. I haven't had a vacation in years. She haven't had a vacation in years. Dan ajak-ajak ayam aku untuk bercuti bersama di sebuah pulau tempoh hari - it came as quite a shock to me - disambut baik oleh FS.

"Tenangnya dekat sini," Cuaca redup, tiupan bayu, desiran ombak, dan bunyi enjin bot laju dari kejauhan seakan mengiyakan kata-kata FS yang sedang berbaring di atas kerusi rehat.

"Mestilah," aku balas, sebelum menghabiskan hirupan terakhir air, sambil menunggu waktu senja tiba untuk pulang ke bilik.

I don't know what I had in mind when I asked her to go on a short getaway with me. No, it's not about sex. Sex-is-off-the-table, sort of. If I'm that horny, it would have save me a lot of trouble by going to a local massage parlor. Cepat, murah, dan tiada hati yang akan kecewa. Dalam kes ini, hati aku.

What's my angle here? How am I going to play this?

"Let me hold your hand," FS terus tersenyum, kemudian ketawa kecil sewaktu aku elus lembut tangannya.

For all I care, I want her right beside me. To make the most out of time we spend here together. And now I have all the time in the world to make it right. Supaya waktu-waktu kami di sini menjadi memento yang melekat jelas di ingatan.

"We can be friend anytime anywhere in this world," kata aku kepada FS. "Why not this time, we make an exception. I want us to be more than that."

And yes, that's euphemism for I'm-putting-sex-back-on-the-table.

Become better and you attract better, they say.

Kurang pasti mengapa, tetapi apabila aku memikirkan tentang keinginan untuk mempunyai sebuah hubungan serius dengan seseorang, aku menjadi hilang punca. Dan ia membuatkan kepala aku sesak dengan pelbagai andaian.

It's a lot of work to accommodate people in my daily life circle. Maka tak hairan, setiap kali aku cuba membina ruang baru dalam hidup aku untuk seseorang, ia besar kemungkinan akan berakhir dengan kegagalan. I wish I had more time for myself. And, of course, for other people as well.

As for now, I'm living a mundane life, and I'm okay with that. Kerana cubaan untuk melakukan perubahan atau apa-apa anjakan pada hidup aku yang sedia ada ini, will just come off as unnecessary and pointless.

"I'm glad I'm not where I used to be," aku beritahu S. Walaupun aku jarang dapat apa yang aku mahu, namun untuk mampu teruskan hidup dengan apa yang aku ada setakat ini, itu sudah memadai.

Yet I still possess total self-calmness... yeah right.

There's a part of me that decided not to write anymore. "Give it up already. Get a better hobby." And there's a part of me that goes like this, "Fuck 'em all. Write until your fingers bleed."

Well, figuratively speaking.

I thought I'm at the lowest point in my life right now. Because recently I was hit with severe anxiety, mild depression, and whatnot. But no, the lowest point in my life was when I got rejected by my crush during college years.

Maybe it's true. Love trumps all. 

It's crazy, you know. Because right at this very moment, I might (or might not) have incurable disease in my body. Dua hari sebelum keputusan ujian darah keluar, I was in terrible state of anxiety. Aku tidak boleh tidur malam, gelisah 24/7, berpeluh tanpa sebab, bercakap sendirian, dan aku habiskan begitu banyak masa dengan bermenungan.

Yet I chose not to tell anyone.

I went for a blood test, and voila! the result came back all good. Ini seharusnya buatkan aku mampu kembali menarik nafas lega. But the anxiety didn't just stop there. I was still afraid. What if? What if something went wrong? Maybe it's a false positive. And I'll be damned.

I'm planning to go for another blood test(s). And believe me, I'm shivering inside out. And if my second blood test is conclusive, then all is well. I swear to God, I'll be better. I'll be good. I'll leave all my wrongdoings behind. I'll start a new me.

Tetapi ada ego dalam diri aku yang meyakinkan aku bahawa aku tidak mungkin akan mati semudah itu, as if aku ada kuasa mengubah takdir. And I started thinking: What about my dreams? Family? Friends? How long will I live? When am I going to die?

Aku cuba hilangkan keresahan ini dengan sibukkan diri dengan kerja. Dan habiskan masa dengan keluarga. Dan keluar berhibur setiap malam dengan kawan-kawan. They helps a lot, without them knowing.

This was such a turning point for me. Yang menyebabkan aku terpaksa menafsir semula nilai-nilai hidup yang aku percaya selama ini. Juga membuktikan kaki aku masih ada di atas muka bumi, dan realitinya, penhujung langit adalah mustahil untuk aku gapai. Indeed, a lot of things are way beyond my control, and I'm just a normal being after all.

I told myself I can't go down that road ever again. It's too dark. It's terrorizing. And I'm all alone. I've said it once and I'll say it again.

I'm afraid.

8:05PM Friday 06 February 2015

Sex, for the sake of sex, is boring.

Penuh dengan rasa teruja dan ingin tahu, aku tertanya-tanya di mana titik temu yang menimbulkan perasaan syok sewaktu, how do I put this, going down on a woman. Sudah tentu, soalan ini terkesan naif dan berbaur retorik. Seolah mempersoalkan nikmat minum ais kacang ketika cuaca terik. Atau nikmat tidur sewaktu hujan lebat.

Believe me, if I had a dollar for every time that question came to mind, I'd prolly be a millionaire right now.

FS genggam rambut aku, menarik aku keluar daripada lamunan, sebelum memandang aku dengan mata separuh terbuka. "Hmphh... why'd you stop?"

"Sorry. Hilang fokus kejap."