This happens everytime (3)

I almost had big fight with Fatin on our last day in Seri Iskandar. We were arguing over silly matters and I can’t help but accidentally yelled at her. It was her fault, really. But still, I know I shouldn’t have done that.

Earlier that day, we decided to go dinner together, for the last time. The problem arises when she and her housemates, all of a sudden, wanted to watch new Twilight movie before having dinner with us. By us I mean, me and my housemates. The bloody Twilight starts at 10.30pm and will end roughly around 12am something.

And she expects us to wait for them, which is a big no. I told them to cancel the tickets. They said they have bought the tickets already. "Great job Fatin. You have officially ruined our dinner." I whispered to myself.

"No. I didn't plan it that way." I said when the argument took place. "We go for dinner and that's it. No Twilight whatsoever."

She still insisted to go watch the movie. "Memang salah kitorang tapi korang beralah la for the last time. Please." 

At first I said no. But then I don’t know what kind of spells she casts on us but we actually agreed to wait until midnight. How did she managed to convince us, especially me?

I have no idea.

This happens everytime (2)

Ayah always brought something for us when he came home from mosque every night. Namun lebih kepada makanan yang aku tidak gemar seperti roti yang datang dalam pelbagai jenis, bentuk dan rasa. I'm not a big fan of bread or any bread type products. I'm not sure why but I guess I just don't like it. Ego aku secara konsisten berkata, "No way. You are not going to eat that."

"Totally." Aku balas, bersetuju.

Tetapi kadangkala perut maha lapar ditambah dengan laci-laci kosong yang tidak menyimpan sebarang makanan tatkala bersendirian di rumah, memaksa aku untuk meneliti semula kata-kata aku tadi.

I had to swallow my Ego back and believe me, I'm not proud of it. Menelan roti adalah satu perkara. Menelan Ego adalah satu perkara yang lain pula.

This happens everytime

My brain keeps telling me, "The hell with grammatical error in your writing. As long as the point get across to the readers, nothing else matters."

But my Ego went another way. "No no no. You have to write properly. Grammar is important. That's what makes you better than anyone else. I'm sure you don't want to go against your own code of rules."

"Fuck both of you. I'm still typing this shit anyway." My fingers reacted. Perfectly.

I'm counting UFO's

I am dying of boredom here and the worst part is, I have nothing particular to write about. I spent all day watching lousy television programme, surfing random sites, reading books etc. Boooring and mundane, you know. And I should be writing something right now but my head keeps giving me excuses.

Let's start all over again. Shall we?

Only time will tell

It's going to be a hell of a week. I miss my housemates. I miss my friends. I miss the environment. I miss everything.

I really let myself get too emotionally attached with these people for a very long period of time. Which is, something that I will never regret.

We shared, well... almost everything. We have been through thick and thin. Ups and downs.

I want to compress everything into a one single great memory. Oh, how I wish!

Loveable (?)

I am making the biggest mistake in my life.

She's gone. For real. For good.

More on this later

I thought I had something to say to her. But no, I didn't.

It's over.

There's nothing left to be said.

Polite enough?

Nombor yang tidak dikenali tertera di skrin telefon aku.

"Ini Mimi ke?" Suara perempuan tiba-tiba menyergah tanpa sebarang pengenalan diri.

"No." Aku balas. "You are not speaking to Mimi."

I was like, who the hell is Mimi? Tiada sesiapa di rumah aku yang bernama Mimi.

"Siapa ni?" Dia bertanya dalam nada tergesa-gesa. 

"Ini. Bukan. Mimi." Adalah ayat terakhir yang aku balas sebelum menamatkan perbualan.

Cepatnya masa berlalu

20 December 2009 | Semester 1

Last day of college life (2)

Today is my last day at college. Took me almost two years and a half to finish the diploma level. Now here's come the hardest part of all. Where do I even begin with?

I want to write everything. From the very beginning until the day we walk out from college with fond memories that will remain forever.

I love them. I wish I could tell each one of them how much I love them.

I think this is not the right time to write anything. At all.

Nota seorang kawan lama (2)

Sewaktu menunggu giliran di sebuah restoran francais makanan segera tempohari, aku bertemu dengan seorang kawan lama dari sekolah menengah yang kebetulan turut sama beratur di belakang.

"Kenal lagi tak?" Aku tanya setelah yakin dengan reaksinya yang seakan mengiyakan bahawa kami saling mengenali antara satu sama lain.

"Kenal." Dia balas. "Berkerut dahinya cuba mengingati namaku. "Alep kan?"

Aku segera mengangguk. Aku amati wajahnya. Wajah yang sudah lama aku tidak ketemu. Kami pernah berada di dalam kelas yang sama ketika Tingkatan 1 dan 2. Perasaan yang tidak dapat digambarkan untuk kembali bertemu setelah hampir 5 tahun, mungkin. It's been so long since the last time I met her.

Yes. She's a girl, just so you know.

"Belajar mana sekarang?" Aku tanya.

"UiTM." Dia sambut. "Sem 6." Sambil jarinya menunjukkan angka enam.

We have this so-called little conversation or more like... you know, random conversation just for the sake of catching up with each other. By the end of our conversation, she asked for my phone number. So I gave it to her.

So that was it. Our first and last conversation after 5 years. And she hasn't called me yet.

Last day of college life

Hujan turun setitik demi setitik, meninggalkan tompok jelas pada baju kemejaku. Aku percepatkan langkah menuju ke arah kereta. Kiki, Meon dan Yo sudah berada jauh di hadapan. Aku berpaling ke belakang, menyaksikan beberapa orang rakan sekelas turut sama kebasahan sambil terkial-kial berlari menjinjing beg di atas kepala.

Coelho di dalam bukunya Aleph berpendapat, demam atau selsema bukanlah disebabkan oleh titis-titis hujan yang mengenai tubuh tetapi ianya adalah angkara virus yang menyerang. Atas alasan terpengaruh dengan kenyataannya, aku fikir ianya sesuatu yang cool untuk meredah hujan yang turun semakin lebat.

Masuk ke dalam kereta, aku duduk bertemankan ketidakselesaan. Beg, baju, seluar, fail, habis basah lencun. Aku segera mengelap muka yang basah. Dingin artifisial dari penghawa dingin langsung tidak membantu. Sewaktu bergerak keluar dari tempat parkir kereta, aku berselisih dengan Syamira dan Siti yang turut sama kebasahan.

Serta-merta aku tersenyum sendirian melihat kelibat mereka berdua menerusi tingkap kereta. Two beautiful young women and wet baju kurung is so tempting. Well, if you know what I mean. Ha ha!

Little conversation (2)

As we walked down the cobblestone path on our way back to the car park, Syamira told me, "Muka kau makin tembam sekarang."

"Ha'ah. Makin tembam." Siti turut sama bersetuju.

Aku berpaling memandang mereka lantas ketawa kecil melihat dua orang perempuan muda yang sungguh cantik ini. They are adorable just like that.

Then I looked at my tummy and I smiled again.

"Nahhh, I am doing just fine." I whispered in my heart. And yes, not a single fuck was given that day.

Nota keberadaan (6)

Writing is a part of my life. It's like when you're hungry, you eat. When you want to pee, you go to the loo. When you're tired, you go to sleep. When you're horny, you go for sex. Or masturbation. Either one.

Nahh, I was joking about the last part. Bottom line is, you don't have to be reminded about all these things. It just happened. Simple as abc.

Same goes with writing. I, somehow, feel incomplete going on a day without writing any. I must write. It kinda hard to explain but I must.

Utterly heartbroken (2)

I am too lazy to rewrite my short story. Sometimes I just want to lay in bed. Helplessly staring at the the ceiling and moving fan. Sometimes I feel like going out and get completely soaked in the rain.

What the hell just happened to me? I don't know.

O God, of course I knew. Sigh.

Writing is supposed to be fun. But this time around, it doesn't. The rewrite process is bloody unrelenting. Last time I checked, I wrote the story a couple of months ago which I have forgotten about it since then. Honestly when I re-read, I was like, "What the fuck is this shit?" I tried to find a glimpse of myself in every words and sentences to no avail. Frankly, I couldn't even relate myself into that story anymore. But it was my writing. My writing.

The word 'my' itself emphasize something personal. I mean, how could it not be personal? It meant something to me although it was poorly written.

"You don't often get a chance like this, so don't blow it away." dear Self told me.

I know. I might not have this chance anymore but I will stand for what I believe. I just want to be happy. To feel alive. Why do I have to force myself to do something totally tiresome and obviously tedious.

Funny when I still have time to write this and whining about the whole rewrite process. Irony at its finest.

Utterly heartbroken

I wish I was drunk or high when I wrote this but unfortunately I am not. Supaya aku tidak akan mampu mengingati apa sahaja yang bakal aku tulis selepas ini. Supaya aku terjaga kelak, segala mimpi ngeri ini akan lenyap tanpa sebarang kesan.

But you know what, maybe I shouldn't write anything right now. I am still sober.

A year from now

Memandang kalendar, menyelak helaian demi helaian sehingga aku akhirnya tiba pada tarikh 07 Nov 2012. Bermakna, setahun dari sekarang, aku bakal berusia 21 tahun. Roh aku pula akan selangkah lebih dekat dengan kematian. Kelakar bila mengenang aku mungkin mati tatkala sedang menaip ini.

Lebih spesifik, aku punyai 12 bulan atau lebih kurang 350 hari sebelum tibanya ulangtahun tarikh lahir aku pada tahun akan datang. Jika aku mampu menulis sebuah nota/karangan/catatan/jurnal/anekdot/puisi atau apa sahaja setiap hari tanpa gagal sepanjang tempoh tersebut, maka aku akan mempunyai sekurang-kurangnya 350 nota/karangan/catatan/jurnal/anekdot/puisi atau apa sahaja di dalam simpanan.

Kepuasan melempiaskan catatan berbaur peribadi untuk memberi makna dan nilai kepada keberadaan aku adalah suatu perasaan yang tulen.

Hello future Me!

Nota pelajar (23)

Oleh kerana aku masih bergelut dengan peperiksaan akhir, maka kebanyakan masa telah diisi dengan rutin harian maha bosan. Dengan berbaki tiga lagi kertas peperiksaan, menyaksikan tidur malam yang tidak mencukupi. Jadual makan yang bercelaru. Selerakan nota-nota ilmiah yang memenuhi segenap ruang bilik. Pakaian kotor yang menimbun di dalam bakul.

Aku hanya sempat menaip karangan ini setelah selesai qadha' tidur, perut yang kekenyangan, nota-nota yang sudah disusun dan pakaian kotor yang sudah dibasuh.

Jauh di sudut hati, aku pasti akan merindui hidup selaku seorang pelajar.

Inside out

"Your writing macam dah slow down lately." Dia beritahu aku ketika kami duduk berborak. Aku hanya mendengar dengan penuh perhatian. Sekali-sekala memandang wajahnya.

"Which is good actually." Dia tambah. "And above all, no harsh words anymore."

Aku dongak kepala lantas tersenyum memandang wajahnya. Wajah yang setia membaca setiap nota kehidupan yang aku catat. Wajah yang sentiasa menghargai tulisan aku tanpa jemu.

"But I miss the old me." Aku balas. Dalam hati.

Random typing (4)

I feel stupid. Aku tanya diri sendiri, “Kenapa letak diri dalam keadaan yang menyedihkan? You know you are better than this.”

I know the pain is temporary but...

“Tonight I can write the saddest lines. To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.” Adalah kata-kata Pablo Neruda. “Sometimes I love her. Sometimes I don’t.” Adalah kata-kata aku.

Untuk hilangkan kesakitan ini, I have to find someone else to replace her. That’s how the whole epiphany going to be solved, I think.

Move on already, I told myself. Aku tidak rindukan wajahnya. Aku tidak rindukan senyumannya. Aku cuma tewas kepada diri sendiri. How I could let myself lost in this stupid, pointless battle?

I didn’t follow my own code of rules. Semua ini tidak akan berlaku jika aku tidak melanggar kod peraturan sendiri.

When things didn’t go my way, I must stop.

Our progress does not tally. We are not compatible. Goddamnit, apa yang aku mengarut ini? No, this is random typing.

I thought I’m a full-time pessimist. No, I’m not. I have this unconscious optimism living in me.

I don’t care about my grammatical error.

I have to learn to let go. She’s not the right one for me. She’s not.

But I’m in fucking denial. This crappy notes, aku akan ketawa membacanya satu hari nanti. I hate to write all this shit. It shows how vulnerable I am. But fuck, I am just a normal being (well, not so).

I write whatever I want. This is my fucking life. This is the chapter of miserable me.

Dear Self, have faith!

Bookgasm (3)

Fatin belikan aku sebuah buku Paulo Coelho bertajuk Aleph. Dia beritahu buku itu adalah sebagai ganti kepada buku yang hilang tempohari dan juga sebagai hadiah hari lahir.

Sebelum ini, aku sendiri bercadang untuk membeli buku Eleven Minutes oleh penulis yang sama tetapi sehingga kini tidak ketemu bukunya. Ditambah dengan aku kurang mahir membuat belian secara online, meskipun tanpa segan silu mengaku diri sebagai pakar Internet.

Tatkala buku tersebut bertukar tangan antara kami, aku ucap terima kasih sambil tersenyum lebar. Demi Tuhan, aku tidak mampu berhenti dari mengukir senyuman di bibir. Ianya perasaan yang sungguh istimewa kerana setiap buku yang aku perolehi/beli adalah umpama jatuh cinta padang pertama.

Aku jatuh cinta pada bau kertas yang menggiurkan, warna kertas yang kusam serta susunatur huruf cetak yang sejajar.

“For this book,” aku beritahu Fatin, “I got to say I love you.”

Ahh, Ipoh! (3)

I spent a day with my housemates and Miss F and her cute little sister. Since we are already in our last semester, I guess this is the least we can do together with so little time left.

We had lunch somewhere in Ipoh. Special place called ‘Nasi Ganja’. Most of the locals here would recognize this place. I like the whole place, the vibe, the uniqueness, the chaotic yet inviting environment, the long queue waiting outside, the blend of heterogeneous customer. Oh my, such a vivid memories!

According to myth, you will feel super sleepy after having nasi ganja. Alas, that’s how the place got its name. Yes, it’s true indeed; I do feel sleepy after having one. I don’t know what kind of secret ingredient they put in either rice or curry but as long as it tastes good, I’m okay with it.

Perfect weekend, yeay!

Rhetorical question

Pagi Sabtu yang dimulakan dengan hujan yang turun waktu Subuh membasahi bumbung dan jalan tar.

Aku bangun awal. Berjalan ke tandas, cuci muka dan selesakan diri dengan suasana dingin yang masih menyelubungi.

Kemudian muncul bisikan di dalam diri, "Nak buat apa hari ini?"

I am awesome

"When I call your name, please raise your hands up." I said.

"Self-confessed narcissist."

"Pseudo-pessimist."

"Hopeless romantic."

"So-called writer."

"Sweet talker."

"Hubris."

"Eros."

"Muse."

They raised up their hands, one by one.

"Good." I smiled. "Make yourself comfortable and try to make friends with each other."

But the truth is, they didn't even bother to say a word or put a smile on their face. I tried to talk with them to no avail. The whole ice breaking session was a complete fiasco.

Never mind, I know they will get along just fine.

Tell you what (8)

Secara peribadi, menulis adalah eskapism. Hidup yang dihambat kesibukan dan kesuntukan masa adalah sesuatu yang menjengkelkan. Aku kini terperangkap di dalam rutin harian yang menjemukan. Jadi jalan keluarnya adalah dengan melakarkan sedikit idea, buah fikiran dan luahan perasaan ke dalam kerangka tulisan.

Up (2009)

Dua hari lepas aku tonton filem Up (2009) buat kali pertama. Seleksi filem yang tidak mengecewakan. Langsung.

Aku tak tahu tema filem ini tentang apa namun sekadar meneka, aku kira pengorbanan dan cinta yang terpapar di skrin komputer ini sungguh indah. Carl dan Ellie berkongsi idealism, impian dan cita-cita yang sama. Apa yang mereka percaya tidak penting tetapi apa yang lebih penting ialah mereka memilih untuk percaya.

Berkenalan sejak kecil, meningkat remaja, berkahwin dan kemudian mengharungi hari-hari tua sebelum Ellie meninggal dunia membawa bersamanya impian yang turut sama tidak terlaksana. Dengan berpegang teguh kepada ketentuan Takdir, secara peribadi, aku fikir situasi Carl yang terkontang-kanting menyesuaikan diri dengan ketiadaan Ellie di sisi tidaklah begitu menjentik perasaan. Selaku pseudo-pessimist, I expect nothing but the worst. Ya, aku juga mempunyai impian tetapi kaki aku tetap berpijak di bumi nyata. Dengan penuh kesedaran, aku tahu, impian aku juga mungkin tidak akan mampu tercapai sampai bila-bila. So that's how life goes. Move on already!

Kecekalan Carl mempertahankan rumahnya yang semakin ditelan kepesatan hutan batu juga adalah pengorbanan yang sangat bermakna. Rumah di mana titik tolak kehidupan mereka berdua bermula, kebahagiaan yang tidak putus kunjung dan juga impian yang dibina bersama. Memori indah yang masih merewang di dalam rumah dan paling ketara, impian Ellie juga masih berada di dalam rumah ini.

Pengembaraan Carl ke Paradise Falls, tanpa sengaja ditemani seorang kanak-kanak kecil bernama Russell (pengakap atau apa aku tak pasti) adalah cubaan penuh nekad untuk memenuhi impian yang seakan-akan hampir terkubur. Adegan Carl menarik rumahnya (yang masih terapung dek kerana belon helium) menghala ke arah Paradise Falls adalah simbol bebanan emosi, tanggungjawab serta kasih sayang terhadap arwah isterinya.

Namun adegan yang masih jelas bermain di dalam fikiran aku adalah ketika pasca pergelutan di atas kapal terbang yang menyaksikan watak antagonis, Muntz jatuh di celah hutan tebal di Paradise Falls. Saat rumah Carl  tenggelam ke dalam awan tebal, di sini segalanya hampir menuju penyudah. Carl sudah mampu menerima hakikat bahawa realiti mengatasi segalanya. Ikatan fizikal (rumah) yang wujud antara Carl dan Ellie juga bakal digantikan dengan lancapan memori indah mereka berdua yang semestinya masih utuh di dalam minda.

"You know, it's just a house," kata Carl kepada Russell sambil melihat rumahnya perlahan-lahan turun ditarik graviti.

20's

Today is my birthday. I wish nothing but the very best for myself. I didn't plan to go out anywhere today to celebrate except maybe lepaking with some of my best friends later on.

To be honest, I received no phone call. Nobody called me up and wish happy birthday. And I received several text messages, first from Chem and then Loveable and then Miss F and that's all.

Minus the laconic birthday wishes from Facebook friends which doesn't count.

No, I'm not even sad or frustrated. I mean, why should I? This had just made me realize that I am not always a priority in someone else's life. Now you should know why I only hold a bunch of good people in my friendship circle.

I still have family and friends around me. Being surrounded by them, make me feel needed.

Because I am cool liddat.

Smiling sweetheart

Letting go. The hardest part of all. When things didn't go my way, I shall bear the fact that Life is not a fairy tale.

Long story short, I have met this one pretty girl. I kept telling myself on how sweet, lovely and adorable she is. Or was. While browsing through memories, I found that she was kinda boring and dull. I am just comforting myself that she wasn't. Ya, in denial, sort of.

Temporary. Yes, her temporary existence has somehow changed my life. Well, not entirely but every bit of her brings the best out of me. How sweet!

I am being paranoid, and too afraid for the next phase. Uncertainty can be terrifying and inhibiting, you know. I couldn't accept the fact that she might not be the right one.

I know it's going to hurt. There's always a little pain in Love. I am fully aware that I am making the biggest mistake of my life but I couldn't help myself.

Aidiladha

Ianya pagi Aidiladha dan aku dipaksa oleh Ayah untuk bangun awal. It was 6 something in the morning. Selesai bersembahyang Subuh (tak pasti samada aku sembahyang dalam mimpi atau apa), aku tidur semula.

Aku masih ingat Ayah berpesan sebelum aku terlelap, "Pergi sembahyang Raya nanti."

Dalam mamai aku kata, okay.

Tidak berapa lama kemudian, aku terjaga. Aku lihat jam, sudah hampir pukul 10 pagi. "There goes my sembahyang Raya." Nevermind, I knew that was going to happen anyway.

And next thing I know, I was sitting at the table having rendang and lemang. Yummy!

Table manners

My sister told me that I chew too loud. Aku geleng kepala dan kata, "Mana ada." Dia angguk kepala, "Yup, ada."

So this one got me thinking. Is that so?

Serasanya, aku mengunyah dengan perlahan (dan sopan), that very unlikely to produce the nom nom nom sound.

No way. She must be wrong. Totally.

Picture (6)

Haikal Haziq dan Chiko. Good morning and Salam Aidiladha!

Nota untuk Housemates (3)

Salah faham sesama housemates, bagi aku, adalah perkara biasa. Seringkali bermula dengan pertelagahan emosi/ego, membawa kepada perbalahan fizikal dan paling parah, menjurus kepada pergelutan fizikal.

We are still young, back then.

I still remember this one time when we had a big fight that spilled out pure anger and discontentment. Really big fight that came out from nowhere. To witnessed the whole incident, I swear to God, I was shivering inside out. I knew the day would come eventually.

And we never said a word about the incident ever again. Some things are just too painful to be reminisced.

Glowing sun

Menulis. Di atas  kertas

                          meja

                       dinding.

Di dalam kepala.

Minda aku menaip segalanya tanpa henti. Seumpama aku menulis senaskhah buku mengenai sebuah perjalanan hidup. Nota-nota halimunan berserakan, yang disusun dan disunting dengan kadang comot, kadang teliti.

Nota yang kamu (dan juga aku) sedang baca ketika ini adalah terjemahan refleksi apa yang terkandung di dalam fikiran. Falsafah esentrik diri yang digaul bersama serpihan pengalaman.

Ya, menulis tanpa jemu. Aku tahu, aku tak mungkin salah tentangnya.

Code 1.3

Never tell a girl you write blog. Tell her you are writer.