2040

I'll stop once I reach 2000th post. That was me two months ago saying the stupidest shit ever. Because now I'm still writing on a daily basis with no sign of slowing down.

I've tried. Believe me, I've tried so hard. But all roads seem to lead me back here. Writing shit that no one cares to read.

Proses autopsi dan dokumentasi diri ini perlu berakhir. Kerana ia telah berlarutan untuk satu tempoh yang sangat lama; sepuluh tahun, sejak aku masih berada di sekolah menengah. Ada seribu satu perkara yang telah berlaku dalam jangka masa yang sungguh panjang ini. To be honest, I'm not getting any younger. As a matter of fact, I'm not heading forward. I'm just circling around, stuck in the same damn place for God knows how long already.

In simple words, to not write religiously, but occasionally.

I've always wanted a grand closure, but at this point in life, I just don't care anymore. Well... this is it, I guess. You people have been wonderful and amazing. Thanks for having me. Until then.

(00)

"Why am I doing this?" I often asked myself. I don't have the clear answer. For all I know, it's the same ride all over again. Aku jadi teruja dan seronok, kemudian aku jadi takut dan paranoid, kemudian segala-galanya akan hancur berkecai dalam sekelip mata.

I'm a man of many things but one thing I'm not is a man who can sustain a longevity of any kind of emotional attachment. Given the right people, and the right time, and the right situation, sure why not, but for the most part, I refused to.

I'm fine the way I am. I'm comfortable having so little people in my life. Walaupun wujud dua sisi berbeza yang saling kontradik antara satu sama lain. Separuh diri ini ingin berubah menjadi manusia yang lebih baik. Supaya aku tak lagi sewenang-wenangnya sakitkan hati sesiapa di kemudian hari. Separuh lagi pula berkeras bahawa tak ada apa-apa yang perlu dan patut diubah. With that being said, if people can't take me as I am, I need to cut them off.

"Why am I doing this?" I asked myself. Again.

(0)

I just kinda know when I'm in love. The distinct and notable feeling would be fairly easy to validate. It just sort of happened I guess. There's a sudden urge in me to learn, and to digest, and to assimilate, and to get the hang of everything about that particular someone.

Because when I fall, I fall hard and wholeheartedly.

I look forward to spending some quality time, making plans together, sharing banal life routine, or stupid stuff I found on the internet, or my miserable pseudo-existential crisis, or whatever, texting nonsense at an ungodly hour. In essence, I want to blend you in to be part of my dull life.

I'm always trying to look decent when I'm out with someone. I low-key want to make a good impression. Potong rambut pendek dan kemas, sentiasa pakai pakaian yang sesuai, cuba sedaya-upaya untuk jadi diri sendiri, tinggalkan seketika segala masalah yang sentiasa menghurung kepala, dan cuba untuk mencari bibit-bibit kebahagiaan atau keseronokan sewaktu berbual, bergurau, makan bersama, memandu tanpa arah tuju dsbnya. It's always the little things that gets me.

And it doesn't matter what you look like, or what you wear. Jubah, jersi, baju lengan panjang, kasut tumit tinggi, wedges, sneakers, tudung bawal, shawl, natural makeup, or anything. You're perfect in my eyes, I'll still fancy you the same, and that's all that matters.

"You look good in a shawl. Especially in this light pastel purple color. It suits you well." I told her, pretending as if I know a thing or two about the way she dresses. "Iyeeee, I tau," was her full of vanity reply.

Now, this is the kind of girl I want to be with for the rest of my life.

Negative one

1. Keinginan untuk hidup makin berkurangan hari demi hari. What a disaster.

2. Duduk berborak dengan kawan-kawan malam semalam, dan kami rumuskan bahawa umur 25 tahun tak muda tara mana dah. We're getting old.

3. Balik rumah pukul dua pagi, dan natijahnya terbangun lewat nak pergi kerja.

4. Woke up at 7:18AM. Menggelupur aku bersiap pagi tadi.

5. Boleh rasa beban tanggungjawab tergalas di bahu semakin berat. Bills to pay, family to take care of, hal kerja yang tak pernahnya menyenangkan.

6. Mentally and physically weak right now. I really can't do this alone.

7. 24/7 susah hati. Kau apa tahu?

8. Perhaps I'm not battling loneliness, or depression, or whatever at the moment. I'm fighting against myself.

9. Be strong, dear Self. You'll get through this.

10. I don't care about my spending anymore. Mampus la berapa ribu pun duit aku rugi bulan ini, aku dah malas nak ambil peduli.

11. It's so hard to keep track of everything. Can someone please be in charge and let me rest for a day? Or a week? Or a month?

12. Sing me a lullaby or something. And tell me everything's going to be okay. Please?

13. I'm reaching out for help. Please, please, save me.

14. So tired.

15. Have a good day people. Thank you for reading.

4:34PM

1. I hate pre- and post-cooking. I hate cleaning up the mess. I hate the whole process. When I was in Seri Iskandar for three years, I hadn't brought any kitchen utensils, bowl, plate or anything. Because I rarely use them. Strictly nasi bungkus using disposable containers to eat. And most of the time, I just eat outside. I'm comfortable this way. Consider this analogy. You come to my house, or you live with me. And I don't have any of these things. Sure, you can complain and whine about it all you want. But I'm not the one having difficulty adjusting to the very nature of my own living. You are the one having difficulty adjusting. Indeed, you are the one with the attitude. I can compromise. Because I'm not anal and rigid. I can tolerate a lot of things. But let me remind you again, I'm comfortable this way. You see, when you enter my life, this is the exact same thing. I may have nothing to offer. Or things that you specifically want. You can either walk away, or we can work something out. See, that's the beauty of it.

2. Jangan percaya dengan manusia yang bahasakan diri atau guna perkataan abam atau abiang, they're stupid and deserve to be hit by a truck.

3. Aku rasa semua orang patut tahu buljangnan bermaksud bermain dengan api dalam bahasa Korea.

4. Bila rokok murahan jatuh atas lantai, kau pijak, nyala yang baru. Don't be that kind of guy, yang kutip, hisap balik.

5. Minimalist concept? Well yeah I'm more into minimalas.

6. Awkward adalah bila aku happened to mention Agent Provocateur waktu berborak dengan perempuan, dia tanya aku balik, "Apa tu?"

7. (null)

8. Say what? I can't hear you.

9. That's right. Fuck you.

10. Why the hell am I doing this?

Why the hell am I doing this?

It's fairly easy to control people using words. Apatah lagi yang jenis tak nak kalah, egois, dan keras kepala, dua kali ganda lebih mudah. Because they're usually blinded by their own attitude.

Sometimes I don't understand people and their erratic behavior. For example, I can't never understand women. But that doesn't mean they can't be manipulated. Believe me, there's always room to be exploited. There's always some kind of trick to turn things around.

I'mma get what I want. That's my ulterior motive. Not long ago, I had an argument with her. I said, "when things don't go in your favor, you simply hang up on me. That's what you always do. And I'm the one who had to apologize."

You see, easy, use the right words, and I'll get what I want. An argument. One sided-argument, to be exact. But who the hell cares? She just can't stand to be proved wrong. And for the sake of being right, of course, she didn't hang up on me, and continued arguing.

For all I care, I'm the clever one here.

1:40PM

1. My brother cooked dinner for us last night. Holy macaroni, that was amazing. Even my sisters don't know how to cook (unless it's pastries, cakes, or something).

2. I have no problem with women who refused to or can't or don't like to cook. I don't know why people (men especially) expect women to be some sort of expert in this. *don't worry sis, I got your back*

3. I'm skating through life doing the bare minimum for God knows how long already. To be honest, I'm scared. What if one day God decided that I can no longer enjoy this kind of lifestyle?

4. Supermoon, shmuckmoon. Fuck you.

5. I think my siblings are going to be far more successful than I ever will be. Aisyah has been teaching kids for a year now. Sarah is starting her bachelor's degree in accounting in less than a week. And Aiman, I never worry about him. He's good with money. When I was his age, I literally have nothing. Dan macam sekarang, dia ada sebuah kereta dan dua buah motosikal, yang aku hanya boleh mimpi untuk miliki pada usia 21 tahun.

6. Kadang-kadang, aku marah bila tahu mereka beli benda-benda yang aku fikir tidak perlu. They believe in material possession. Well... I don't.

7. Bila aku duduk seorang diri memikirkan apa yang mungkin berlaku kalau aku tak ada keluarga untuk disara...

8. But nope, I wouldn't dare go down that road. It's terrifying.

9. Bila ada kawan lelaki (cuba-cuba) main kayu tiga, this is the only sensible thing to tell him: don't do it, you're going to get caught.

10. Sure, the sex is good and everything. Just wait. Wait until you get caught.

11. Nuh-uh, we're not going to let you fuck your life up. We care a great deal about each other. Kerana kawan-kawan adalah tempat simpan rahsia paling utama bagi lelaki.

12. Nasihat, nasihat juga. Tetapi, bazir masa dan tenaga untuk selalu beri nasihat terhadap perkara bangang yang tak sepatutnya dilakukan. Because they know the consequences pretty damn well. But hey, the dick wants what the dick wants.

13. Paling kelakar bila baca caption gambar atau status Facebook atau Twitter mana-mana perempuan tentang lelaki yang aku kenal rapat. Holy crap, you don't know shit about him, do you?

14. So naive, I cried T____T

15. Okay now, I'mma sleep the whole afternoon.

Digging my own grave

Sewaktu mendengar seorang perempuan jual insurans merapu entah apa benda di hujung talian telefon tempoh hari, aku tersedar satu perkara.

I'm easily distracted while having conversation on the phone. It's not difficult to lose concentration when there's no eye contact involved. Kerana tak ada paparan visual di hadapan dan tak ada siapa nak marah bila aku tak tumpukan perhatian. Yang ada cuma suara seseorang tekun bercerita atau bertanya sesuatu yang aku jarang dapat ingat untuk satu tempoh yang lama.

"Kau dah gerak belum?"

"On the way."

"Gerak sorang ke?"

"Haa, sorang."

"Okay, jumpa sana."

"Okay."

Which is why us men don't talk much with each other on the phone. Semuanya berlaku dengan pantas, tak banyak kerenah dan segera. If two male friends are having conversation for more than five minutes, it means one of them are definitely gay. 

"Hah? Apa dia?"

"Pardon me?"

"Sorry. Line tak clear."

I always say things like that. Because my mind went someplace else, and I wasn't really paying any attention. But sometimes this habit just kinda slipped out in real life.

So, we were having dinner. She talked about something I wasn't interested in. Aku yang pada mulanya menatap tepat matanya, perlahan-lahan mengalih pandangan ke bawah sebab dah malas nak melayan. Still, she keep on talking and talking and talking. And not long before she pulled my ear and asked, "Alep, what are you looking at?"

I said nothing. And by nothing, I mean her chest area. Which happened to be there and in the way. But I swear, I really was looking at nothing. If anything, fikiran aku sedang mengelamun dan tak sedar apa yang mata aku sedang lihat.

"Eeeii tipu. Pervert!"

"Excuse me. But there's nothing worth to be stared at down there to begin with."

Such a stupid stupid stupid reply. What an idiot.

11:38AM

1. My weekend usually consist of not going anyplace more than 5 - 10 kilometers from home. Unless it's curry mee night in Ipoh, then bring it on.

2. I've said it before, tatacara melepak di pekan kecil ini tak sama dengan bandar-bandar besar. Because I, or in this case, we, really don't mind going out doing all kind of activities on weeknight and staying up late past midnight having lepak session during weekday. Even when we have to get up early to go to work tomorrow morning. 

3. Weekend, is my rest day. To make sure that I'm mentally/physically prepared to face Monday.

4. I fell asleep while writing this down last night. Lemme tell you something, to go to bed at 10PM after having early dinner with friends is a bless.

5. Macam seorang perempuan cerdik yang aku follow di Twitter cakap, "I get having personas. I'm definitely louder here than in person, but it's an extension of me. If you're an asshole online, you are offline (too)."

6. She's right though. Sebab itu aku rasa nak terajang manusia yang cakap mulut dia macam longkang tapi hati dia sebenarnya baik atau manusia yang mengaku dia sebenarnya baik di dunia realiti walaupun perangai macam gampang dan suka membuli di laman media sosial. Bitch. Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

7. The reason they think they're nice in real life is because they might get punch right in the face when they say mean or dumb shit to other people. Go ahead, I dare you. I guess it's a lot safer to hide behind their online presence.

8. I'm an asshole, be it in real life or anywhere else. But I have the ability to act nice sometimes. Just don't expect too much from me, alright?

9. I'm an awkward potato whenever I meet someone new and I get nervous easily in front of people I find somewhat intimidating. What a shame.

10. My life is just a series of kawan-kawan belanja makan out of nowhere dan merapu sepanjang masa (I swear to god 24/7 365 days) dalam WhatsApp group.

11. Amende entah buat majlis kahwin sampai kena ambil pinjaman peribadi (yang semua orang tahu datang sekali dengan kadar interest maha menjerat)? That's some fucked up shit right there. If you can't afford it, then don't get married yet. Or just make a simple majlis doa selamat. That'll do.

12. Unless it's your own freakin' money, who the hell cares? But to throw away twenty to thirty thousands ringgit on a single day, with money you don't possess, you must be really really out of your mind.

13. Stereotaip masyarakat Melayu lebih kurang begitu-lah. Buat majlis besar, orang mengata. Buat majlis kecil, pun orang mengata. So what's the point?

14. Once, I was late to clear my payment, had an argument and I've been threatened by that particular person. It was my fault but I argued anyway. I never told anyone, except a friend, and we had a good laugh about it.

15. There's so many ways to describe myself, and I don't know where to begin with. Ini betul-betul menyedihkan kerana aku sentiasa mahu berupaya untuk faham diri sendiri dengan sebenar-benar faham.

16. I don't need you people to understand me. I need me to understand myself.

Hai awak vroom vroom

1. A friend is in Italy right now. With (almost) free flight ticket is on the table, I still don't feel like it's the right decision to go there and I don't know... have fun?

2. Aku cuma perlu bawa sedikit duit poket, dan telur dua biji dalam seluar. Tapi punyalah komited dengan kerja, ada peluang pergi Itali pun aku tolak.

3. About number 2, that's a lot of big talk. Mehh I just want to feel good about myself.

4. Can't wait for 2016 to come to an end. I want to rebuild and reconstruct everything from scratch next year.

5. Yes, another big talk from me.

6. I really got nothing going on in my life right now. Tak ada apa benda pun yang menarik.

7. If anything, I'm not the only who's struggling. Talked to my friends the other night, we're no better/different from one another.

8. I got another payment today. So yes, fuck you people.

9. Okay now, aku nak balik rumah dan tidur sepanjang petang.

10. Doakan aku sentiasa sihat, murah rezeki, kenal manusia-manusia baik, hati tenang, ingat Tuhan. That'll do.

11:34AM

I was bored yesterday. So... what the hell, I skimmed through various unpublished writing in my draft. You know, the usual sayang-nak-buang-tapi-malas-nak-sambung kind of stuff. And I'm not sure why the hell am I still clinging onto sentimentality for no apparent reason.

Truth be told, I can't recall most of it. As to why and to whom it was written. A, B, C, D and so many names came up, and I can't keep up anymore. Bunch of writing about people, conversation, random thoughts, girls, events etc. that just sit there with no real purpose.

Maybe it's true. We only remember things that we want to remember.

Here's my middle finger to you

1. Muahahahahaha.

2. I'm really good at putting words into one's mouth, or thoughts into one's head. Clever charade, that's the word.

3. That's why I always get what I want. Sure, it takes a lot of time and effort, but ahh what the hell, totally worth it.

4. Okay, maybe not always. Only when I'm trying hard enough.

5. Sometimes I poke fun at people because I'm really really really bored. Here's the thing, I'm an intelligent creature. So I need someone who - at least - on par with me, y'know... intelligent-wise.

6. I mean, I wouldn't say no to a meaningless or casual conversation where there'd be lotsa unnecessary ha-ha-ha. But when I bring something serious to discuss or talk about, don't act like chimpanzee around me.

7. I just realized something. For the most part and perhaps my biggest motivation, I only go out with girls because I wanted to write something out of it. Feels like I'm constantly looking for story and conversation. I think I need help.

8. My friends rarely be able to witness my interaction with girls. Be it in real life or social media sites. Which is why they never failed to circle my comment section like vultures when they see one. 

9. It's true. Friends are the family you choose.

10. Doesn't matter. Two, five, ten, or thirteen years of friendship, you'll learn something new about them every day.

11. "Korang datang la kenduri aku, kalau aku kahwin tahun depan." Siti replied with the biggest HAH? I've ever seen. "If. I said, if."

12. You people should see the look on her face. So amusing.

13. Financial freedom? What financial freedom?

14. How do I deal with my guilt? Easy. I pretend it never happened.

15. Unless you're being accused, don't be a shmuck who foolishly defend yourselves. When I've done something wrong, I don't prepare my defense. But get this, every reaction is vital. Your reaction, to be exact. Once you started reacting, I'll just use your own words, and twist it around against you.

16. Don't tell too much, they say. How much is too much?

1:31AM

1. I got two pending payments. Money, please come fasterrrrr.

2. I'm officially a slave to money. But fret not, everything's under control. I'mma fix this as soon as possible.

3. Aisyah told me to buy cake for myself, but nahh, maybe next year.

4. Sarah was the first person to wish me. And as the day went on, I received warm wishes from bunch of kind-hearted people. Thank you so much.

5. Dan untuk manusia yang doakan aku dapat lebih banyak $$$$$, you deserve a special place in heaven.

6. Dull & boring.

7. When I write hurtful things, it just kinda shows. I know exactly what kind of words to use to hurt one's feelings. Not proud of it, but yes, let this serve as a gentle reminder, don't fuck with me.

8. Bak kata Russell Peters, "somebody gonna get a hurt real bad."

9. Jisoo adalah definisi sebenar kalau-dah-cantik-pakai-apa-pun-nampak-cantik.

10. Too much interaction with people is never a good thing for me.

11. I wouldn't go so far as to call myself a true K-pop fan. Aku cuma tahu/minat 15+ lagu. That's it. Nothing more. Nothing less.

12. Kalau orang tanya aku berasal dari mana, aku akan sentiasa jawab Sitiawan. If they don't know where the hell is this small town located, that's not my fucking problem.

Faux pas

I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place.

Here's something for you people (4)

"So who's next?" I asked.

"Siti," Syamira said. "Bulan dua tahun depan."

Tengoklah kalau rajin aku datang, aku bergurau. "Ohh kenduri F kau datang. Kenduri aku kau tak nak datang."

I couldn't help but to laugh. Aku cakap yang aku tak berani nak janji. Mungkin aku sibuk tak menang tangan nak menyelenggara hidup. Mungkin aku sendiri nak kahwin waktu itu (ha ha ha!). Mungkin aku tak sihat atau apa. "Jangan risau, I'll try to make it."

Aku tak pernah peduli sesiapa nak kahwin bila atau di mana. Esok, atau lusa, atau minggu depan, atau bulan depan, atau tahun depan, atau sepuluh tahun lagi, who cares? Whatever makes you happy. Even when I refused to go to your wedding ceremony, for whatever reason, I'll still be praying for your happiness, and hoping everything is okay at your end.

I'm happy for F. I genuinely do. Hell, I congratulated her spouse before we took photos together. And he even greeted me when he saw me looking at them sitting at the pelamin. There's absolutely no reason to feel jealous or bitter whatsoever. Because we've somehow met each other before. Six years ago, I think. Somewhere around KLCC.

Phew, good to know that he still recognize me well enough that day.

Here's something for you people (3)

"Apahal korang kongsi lipstick ni?" You see, that's the kind of thing I thought I'd never say in my entire life.

I was in F's room with them girls. Sementara menunggu pengantin habis makan dan potong kek, kemudian tunggu giliran untuk bergambar bersama, there's not much to do around here. Mereka pula sibuk perbetulkan tudung dan mekap, berebut-rebut untuk menggunakan cermin. Tidak dapat tidak, terpaksalah aku jadi sebahagian daripada landskap perbualan separa berbisik sambil bergosip dan entah apa benda lagi yang kebanyakannya aku tak berapa faham.

"Lelaki kongsi rokok boleh pulak?" They retorted back.

"Tak sama la...." I hate when they managed to cleverly throw some sense into me. 

Nothing has really changed. Not even the slightest bit. Seolah-olah segala-galanya terperangkap dalam ruang dan masa selama lima tahun tidak bersua muka. We can easily pick up where we left off. No awkward silence. No digging up the past or sticking one's nose where it doesn't belong. No stupid so-what-do-you-do-for-a-living-now question. 

"5 years huh?" I myself asked in disbelief. "Ye ke lima tahun?" Siti macam ragu-ragu.

"I think so."

"Muka kau pun dah lain sekarang. Makin hand---" she didn't finish her sentence.

"Say it!"

"Makin handsome." Well... that's one way to feed my ego. Feels like I'm on top of the world.

"Muka korang sama tak berubah langsung." Aku beritahu.

"Habis tu takkan kau nak muka kitorang tukar jadi lain?" Siti balas.

"Takde la." Aku sambut. "At least jadi la lagi cantik ke apa." That was me being unnecessarily mean.

Raja Muhammad Aliff - 1

My former classmates - 0 

25

Today's my birthday. I'm officially turning 25. A new milestone in life.

Jujur cakap, hari ini adalah hari yang sama seperti hari-hari lain bagi aku. Nothing special though. Cuma aku bangun pagi lebih awal dari kebiasaan. Because I had a really good night's sleep. Kemudian aku pergi kerja. Cari rezeki macam biasa. Dan mungkin petang ini aku akan keluar main snooker, atau pergi pasar malan. Dan untuk mengakhiri semuanya, mungkin ada sesi makan malam bersama kawan-kawan. Like I said, same old, same old.

I think I had truly hit rock bottom. I didn't make plans with anyone. I only received warm wishes from my family, Borakian friends, and two kind souls from Twitter. And that was it. Nothing more, nothing less.

This should act as a gentle reminder that I'm not always a priority, and that I don't make enough impact on anyone's life. But it's okay. It's alright. Because I expected less, really.

For all I care, I just want to be happy. And I'm working really really hard towards my future. Aku berharap kesihatan aku selalu terjaga untuk sentiasa dapat menyara diri dan keluarga. Aku berharap aku tak selalu susah hati memikirkan hal-hal kecil dalam hidup. Aku berharap manusia-manusia yang memahami diri ini akan kekal untuk tempoh yang lebih lama.

Happy birthday, and have a good one, dear Self. Do good, be good.

Here's something for you people (2)

It rained heavily all the way to her house. Aku cuba untuk tidak tergesa-gesa dan memandu macam orang tak ada pedoman, kerana aku ada rekod buruk memandu dalam keadaan cuaca sebegini. I almost had a car accident and a near-death experience on various occasions, but luckily I survived. Pheww, thank God for that.

I can't believe I'm actually going to say this, but it feels so good to finally meet them again yesterday. Similar faces and voices from five years ago (five friggin' years, I shit you not). Siti was there. Syamira too. Kecik. Alea. And of course, Nad and F. Just as I was about to sit down, Nad insisted that I should meet F in her room for awhile before her wedding ceremony. I refused at first. And they were all like, alaaaa pergilahhhhh.

I said hi.

"Alepppppp. Cantik tak?" She asked me. To which I didn't say a word. I nodded my head and smiled. She looked stunningly beautiful. And for a second there, I thought to myself, I've made a right decision by coming down here. Untuk datang dan merayakan hari yang penting dalam hidupnya. Untuk sama-sama berasa gembira dalam sebuah keramaian yang menyatukan dua jiwa.

Perhaps this is not a proper reunion for us. Manusia ramai di merata celah. Suasana riuh dan sibuk. Nak makan lagi. Nak tangkap gambar lagi. Nak itu. Nak ini. Sehinggakan tak banyak ruang dan tak cukup masa untuk duduk berborak sepuasnya.

Plus I couldn't stay for too long. I told them I'm heading to KL after the ceremony to meet my friends. They didn't believe me. "Tipu la jumpa kawan. Tak sihat pun sanggup drive jauh-jauh. Mesti ada date dengan mana-mana perempuan ni."

Nahh, I don't do that kind of thing anymore. That wild phase has long gone from my life. And I laughed as a response. Because my two idiot high school friends were really waiting for me there. But that's another story for another time.

Here's something for you people

11:53AM

1. Lemme tell you what I'mma do today: get a haircut, pay all my bills that will be due on 5th November. Dan akhir sekali buat keputusan nak guna kereta apa pergi Taiping dan KL pada hujung minggu ini.

2. Or maybe just Taiping. Ikutkan hati, malas betul nak memandu ke KL.

3. Gelisah semacam nak tinggalkan hal kerja. Because I don't trust other people do to my work. They're going to effortlessly fuck it all up for me. Dan itu akan menambahkan lagi sakit kepala sedia ada.

4. "Haiyaaa kawan, jangan ini maciam."

5. Entahlah, money's not coming in. Aku rasa tertekan gila babi dalam tempoh dua tiga minggu ini.

6. Doakanlah supaya aku tak sakit jiwa pada usia yang sungguh muda.

7. Aku ada kecenderungan untuk taip pepanjang nama manusia yang rapat dengan diri ini sebelum mulakan perbualan. "Fxxxxxxxxxxxx" "Nxxxxxxxxxxxx"

8. And the only acceptable response is: "Aleppppppppp"

9. Technically, I'm still 24 years old.

10. But sadly, I don't look like one. Without any facial hair (and with a clean haircut), muka aku nampak macam remaja baru habis sekolah yang tengah tunggu keputusan SPM untuk sambung belajar.

11. Ada rancangan untuk bikin bachelor party buat kawan-kawan yang bakal berkahwin pada tahun depan. "Let's go to Phuket again."

12. Kalau rancangan ini menjadi, aku dah boleh bayangkan maha epik-nya suasana yang mungkin berlaku.

13. And it goes without saying, let's go fucking mental!

3:29PM

1. I'm going through a very weird phase of my life. I now religiously listen to K-pop songs (and genuinely loving it).

2. To justify my current obsession with shitty pop music, yes, I still listen to (insert pointless justification here).

3. Pedulitaik pulak aku kalau kau rasa selera musik kau lagi superior? Aku ulang sekali lagi, pedulitaik pulak aku?

4. Had a very interesting dinner conversation with friends last night. Makan malam dan melepak sampai pukul satu pagi bercerita tentang... duit.

5. Aku harap rambut aku tak gugur sebab 24/7 pening kepala fikir masalah hidup.

6. To go or not to go, that's the question.

7. Nad awal-awal lagi dah pesan: see ya at F's wedding!

8. I should've texted her last night. Tapi itulah... terlupa.

9. Aku fikir sifat tak peduli dalam diri ini semakin menjadi-jadi. Aku cakap nak call orang, kemudian aku tak buat. Aku cakap aku nak teks, kemudian aku tak buat. Aku cakap aku nak ajak keluar makan malam, kemudian aku senyap buat bodoh. 

10. But in my defense, I could care less. A whole lot less. So... yeah...

11. This may be hard for some of you to believe, but yes, I have a life and it doesn't revolve around waiting for text messages or phone call from anyone in particular.

12. Untuk manusia yang tak henti-henti telefon aku pukul enam pagi tadi, aku harap kau puas hati sebab kejut tiga puluh minit lebih awal daripada jam penggera aku. What the fuck do you want from me at 6 freakin' AM?

13. My day hasn't even started yet, you stupid ass.

14. But all is well now. Until then.

A closed book

"Behave yourself, keep it shut, and never tell them anything."

I still remember when I was a kid, my parents would always remind me to never speak anything about all the hardship that we went through in life. Setiap kali pulang ke kampung, atau pergi ke rumah pak atau mak sedara yang lain, pesanan ini tak pernah gagal hadir.

Kereta kena tarik, orang datang rumah kutip hutang setiap hari, bayaran ansurans rumah berbulan-bulan tertunggak, bil itu ini bersepah-sepah tak terbayar, dsbnya. I could list it all out here, but what's the point?

We're just like a normal fully-functional family on the outside, except that people don't have any clue about our struggles and don't really know our story.

I'm emotionally independent from such a young age. There's always a big smile on my face. There's always laughter out of everything. There's always hey it's nothing to every tell me what's wrong. And it's all in the name of covering up the unbearable burden inside of me.

That's why I never, or rarely open up, or running around asking for help from other people. You really can't blame me for my inability to do so. Because I was raised and taught his way. Apa-apa masalah yang datang menjengah, I'm compelled to try and solve it on my own.

But I found a way to channel all of the emotions out from my mind. Through writing in this semi-private space, that sadly no one seems to care to read. Jujur cakap, aku cuma kenal kurang daripada lima orang yang setiap hari tak jemu datang baca tulisan aku. I couldn't thank them enough.

But it's okay, it's alright. Having a large audience is never my priority. I write for totally different reasons. And I understand when some people can't relate to any of my story. I don't expect them to.

12:00PM

Now, I gotta figure out a way to tell F that I don't want to go to her wedding this weekend. Without actually telling her that. I got hundreds of excuses in my head right now. And yes, none of it will actually work.

It's bloody terrifying. No, not because she's marrying someone else. And no, not because I'm jealous whatsoever. But the thought of meeting my former classmates. I don't know why, I'm an adult who have irrational fear of meeting people from my past life.

Let me repeat again: I really don't want to meet them.

Can someone please drive me there? I can't sit through her wedding sober. Because, holy crap, I need to be highly intoxicated.