Of Ramadan and everything in between

1. Seorang kawan pelawa untuk bagi kerja makan untung atas angin. Melihat kepada pulangan yang bakal aku terima kelak, terdetik dalam hati ini: mungkin dah tiba masanya aku pakai kereta BMW 3 Series.

2. Easy money, I'd say. But I'm prolly going to turn down the offer.

3. Perempuan Paling Cantik Dalam Dunia.

4. She wore plain baju kurung the other day. And I thought to myself, yes, Perempuan Paling Cantik Dalam Dunia indeed.

5. I've seen her in many different kinds of attire, but nothing beats the beauty of her in plain baju kurung.

6. Like I said, I just need to fall in love to get back into writing.

7. It is what it is. It is what it is. It is what it is. 

8. Perempuan Paling Cantik Dalam Dunia.

9. How's my Ramadan? So far so good. Kecuali waktu tidur yang berterabur dan tak ketahuan hala.

10. Aku dah tetapkan working hours untuk bulan puasa ini adalah selama lima jam. Enam jam sebenarnya, tolak sejam aku balik rumah jam sepuluh pagi untuk mengular.

11. If any of you people are reading this, dan rasa nak berbuka puasa sesama di memana lokasi yang tak membebankan aku untuk pergi-balik tanpa perlu bermalam, do tell.

12. Don't worry about paying, it's my treat.

What's good, May? (3)

1. Switched from Maxis to Digi. Best decision ever. I got unlimited calls to any network and 10GB internet data quota. I think this needs to be said out loud: fuck you, Maxis.

2. Made my life easier. Senang aku nak telefon sesiapa, terutama yang bersangkut-paut dalam hal-hal kerja, tanpa perlu bimbang berapa banyak duit aku kena telan.

3. Nak telefon makwe, makwe tak ada. Ohhh apakan daya....

4. I'm glad I'm doing this the right way. Untuk tidak campurkan wang yang berkaitan dengan hal kerja dengan wang peribadi. Walaupun boleh sebenarnya kalau nak pulun semua masuk dalam poket sendiri. And it proved to be somewhat useful though. Makin kurang perbelanjaan yang overlap antara satu sama lain. 

5. Makan gaji, in the truest sense. Or so I thought.

6. Sustaining my current lifestyle. That's all in my head now.

7. Since when holding a conversation with another human being has become such a herculean task for me?

8. To be honest, at times like this, I don't even feel lonely *wait, I'mma jinx it*. If anything, I do feel bored. Tindakan refleks terhadap situasi begini sepatutnya adalah untuk cuba menghantar pesanan teks kepada manusia yang aku selesa berhubung atau menelefon mereka untuk berbual kosong, atau bertanya khabar. But here's the thing. I care the fuck not about you people well-being. Each and every one of you. Sikit pun tak berminat nak ambil tahu pasal hidup orang lain buat waktu ini (which is why I deactivated my Facebook and Instagram account, but that's another story for another time).

9. Even the thought of having to go through the whole conversation while I'm clearly uninterested makes me feel overwhelmed. 

10. It's not you. It's me.

11. I like to mock (or tease, I go back and forth between those two) people on Twitter. I do this because I don't know... it's fun? To take their words and twist it around like it's some kind of a joke. More often than not, it came out as condescending.

12. With that being said, people often took it the wrong way (as they should, duh). As if I'm threatening their whole existence or something. Heh, puny human.

13. Ada syurga khas untuk perempuan yang playfully balas pesanan teks aku dengan tehehehe.

14. It's all about looking at things differently. That's adulthood, I suppose? It involves a lot of trial and error. There's no absolute correct way of doing it. Find what suits you and take a slow cautious step from there. 

15. Sometimes I get mad, and frustrated. I do. I'm only human.

16. Why do I have to pay for shit? Beli itu, aku. Beli ini, aku. Bayar itu, aku. Bayar ini, aku. Why do I have to bear this alone? Like I said, I'm only human. Ada sisi gelap dalam diri ini yang selfishly tak mahu peduli atau jaga kebajikan orang lain.

17. Kerana bebanan ini datang atas nama tanggungjawab. I'm a man of many things; I might be lazy, I might be heartless, but I'm not the one, as much as I hate doing it, who allegedly trying to avoid my responsibility.

18. I came to my senses. Dan aku mengalah. Maybe that's the right thing to do. Kerana duit ini boleh dicari. Dan barangkali rezeki akan datang lebih lagi di lain hari.

19. Tetapi keluarga cuma ada satu. Dan yang satu ini, adalah segala-galanya untuk aku.

20. Mungkin dah tertulis, untuk aku jaga keluarga sendiri selagi termampu. As long as they're happy, I'm happy.

21. I wake up every morning not knowing what lies ahead for me in the future. I have no clue.

22. So... you write exactly like me? Wow, congratu-fuckin-lation.

23. Took me approximately two weeks to finish this piece of shit. So yeah... until then.

What's good, May? (2)

I forgot to tell them I saw someone from my past the other day. She's still beautiful as ever. Not important, I guess. Which is why the subject of her never really came out in our conversation.

They sent me home at 8PM before heading to Ipoh for a curry mee session. I couldn't join them. Sebab aku tak cukup tidur. Dan badan aku rasa letih setelah menghabiskan sehari suntuk melayan tetamu dari KL ini. Saturday and Sunday, 48 hours straight, and I barely got any sleep. Hujung minggu yang sepatutnya dibazirkan dengan berbaring-baring dan bermalas-malasan di rumah, telah bertukar menjadi sebaliknya.

Tak mengapa, detik hati ini. Bukan selalu. Kalau nak harap aku hidupkan enjin kereta dan memandu ke KL untuk berjumpa mereka, kebarangkalian yang wujud adalah sangat tipis. Sibuk menyelenggara kehidupan, dan aku jarang ada sela masa yang lama untuk dibahagi-bahagi selain daripada mengadap hal-hal kerja.

"Butoh la pergi KL ada mende? Jauh gila," as I would always say.

Life is changing so fast. Kawan ini kahwin. Kawan itu kahwin. Kawan ini tukar kerja. Kawan itu mula bisnes baru. Kawan ini pindah tempat tinggal. Kawan itu pindah tempat tinggal. Tak terkejar, dan tak rasa nak kejar sebenarnya. As of now, I just let everything happen naturally. I should be focusing more on me. And solely on my own growth process. Setting my own pace. That's what matters.

I feel a bit empty after they left. Kerana ini kawan-kawan lama, yang jauh di sudut hati, aku berharap mereka masih sentiasa akan di sini untuk satu tempoh yang panjang. You know, just like good old days. But that's not how life works. That's not how any of this works.

Maybe that's the sign of true friendship. I feel happy when they're here. I feel awhhh please don't go when they're about to leave. Their presence is still highly appreciated in my life, no matter how far we are from each other.

I feel sad. And I get mad sometimes. Apatah lagi setelah menyedari banyak perkara dalam hidup ini yang berada di luar jangkaan dan kawalan aku. Tak ada apa yang aku boleh buat untuk susun perjalanan hidup ini dalam satu acuan yang sempurna. Thus I learned how to let go. Of everything. And everyone.

Live well, dear Self. You'll be fine.

14/05/2017

Sejujurnya, aku dah tak ingat tarikh tepat Ibu meninggal dunia. Jauh di sudut hati, aku seperti seakan tidak pernah untuk cuba kekal mengingati. It was a long time ago would be the answer if I were to be asked. I never want to do the math. Tahun apa. Bulan apa. Hari apa. Ibu umur berapa waktu itu. Aku umur berapa waktu itu. Ayah umur berapa waktu itu. Adik-beradik lain umur berapa waktu itu. Ia memori yang, oh demi Tuhan, terlalu pahit untuk disimpan lama.

Ibu, I'm turning 26 this year. And I'm still learning how to take a good care of everyone right now. I'm trying really really hard. Ibu, Abang will always be missing you.

Happy Mother's Day, Ibu.

What's good, May?

1. My old man's phone went kaput last week. I bought him a new one.

2. And I bought myself a new one too. There goes my money.

3. This is only my third smartphone. Aku harap ia tidak akan lagi jatuh, pecah berderai, dan rosak seperti sebelum-sebelum ini. *I have it on good authority that I'mma jinx it somehow*

4. So, what's new in my life?

5. To be honest, I don't know how to write anymore. Or more like, on what basis should I write? Sebelum ini, aku fikir setiap satu yang berlaku dalam hidup ini adalah sebuah parable yang perlu dipahatkan dalam bentuk tulisan. Supaya aku mampu menoleh semula ke belakang, untuk melihat satu demi satu proses kematangan diri.

6. Punbegitu, ia sesuatu yang meletihkan. The whole writing process itself, I mean. Because I'm constantly writing in my head 24/7. Keluar melepak, balik melepak, dan pulang ke rumah sambil menggeledah laci memori dalam usaha mencari sesuatu untuk ditulis. Pergi bercuti, balik bercuti, dan pulang ke rumah sambil... well, I think you get the idea. Semacam wujud satu tanggungjawab untuk membina sebuah naratif hidup maha panjang, yang tak lain tak bukan, sekadar nak memuaskan serakah imaginasi, konon-kononnya untuk mengesahkan wujudiah diri.

7. I gave up. In simple words, I just don't care anymore.

8. Berbalik kepada soalan asal tadi. What's new? Not much, I guess.

9. Nak menaip pun malas sebenarnya. Don't expect too much from me, will you?

10. Akan selama-lamanya sakit hati bila teringat kes budak tahfiz yang meninggal dunia tempoh hari.

11. Romance is not dead. Wait for it.

12. It's nice seeing my old man spends most of his time doing his own things now.

13. I have every right to be paranoid. I'm doing well right now, but can't help feeling a bit uneasy every time I think about my own future.

14. You don't know me. You don't know my story. Get the fuck outta here.

15. Aku membesar dengan pengalaman yang tak mampu dilupakan. Childhood trauma, sort of. *deleted some unnecessary stuff here*. I was part of the traumatic experience. I was part of it all.

16. Like I said, albeit doing so well now, I have every right to be paranoid.

17. Sentiasa berdoa kepada Tuhan supaya aku tak perlu lalui perkara sama untuk kali kedua. Once is enough.

18. Until then.