I'm aimin' straight for your pelvis

November Rain

1. I was in a car with my friend. Tak pasal-pasal dia tetiba bagitahu yang dia pening nak uruskan hal kahwin awal tahun hadapan. His exact words were, "Macam menyesal pun ada nak kahwin ni." But not long before he realized his own poor choice of words, and quickly rephrased everything back. "Bukan menyesal, tapi rasa macam nak kumpul duit bagi banyak lagi, bagi selesa." Aku angguk, for the sake of keeping the conversation going. Aku faham ralat yang dia sedang hadapi. Sadly, that's just how things are. You can't have everything in life. You win some. You lose some. I told him how I really feel. Sebab ini kawan baik aku, dan aku tak ada apa benda yang nak dirahsiakan. "Sekarang bila aku kenal memana perempuan, aku jadi macam malas, tak minat, tak ada rasa apa-apa yang serius." Get this, love is the cheapest way out to make you feel you're worthy of another person’s affection. Tak perlukan apa-apa modal. And love is the easiest way to distract yourself as if you're actually doing or achieving something. Yeah.... right. Truth be told, since I'm doing so well in life (thank God for that), I don't care about love anymore. For real, I couldn't care less. I shifted all my energy toward things I do best now. And at the end of the day, I look at my bank account, I'm happy and satisfied. And that's when I realized, people ain't shit, and love definitely can wait.

2. "I enjoy doing occasional grocery shopping at the mall. It's the best place to crush my dream of ever getting married."

3. Jangan kawan dengan manusia yang bila kau suruh dia pilih A atau B, dia jawab, "that depends."

4. Me: cigarette and nescafe is a great combo.

Me to me: cigarette and cancer is a great combo too.

5. If anything, janganlah dengar nasihat tentang persahabatan daripada memana perempuan. Most of them don't even understand brotherhood.

6. I have a huuuuuuuuuuge crush on @Rockloe

7. I think I had my first real taste of adulthood when Ayah stopped working about a year ago.

8. It wasn't easy. Figuring things out on my own is not a fun process. Getting my shit together is a lot harder than I imagined it would be. I feel anxious all the time, and for a very good reason too. I have no clear direction on what to do next. I'm like a lost puppy, a cute one of course, trying to find my way out of this twisted, messy, tangled, cryptic chaos. Too much pressure, I'd say. But being the sole breadwinner teaches me a great sense of responsibility. So this is what it really feels like to take a good care of my family, I thought to myself. Tiring, yes, but one's gotta do what one's gotta do out of love and devotion. No wonder I never care about getting married any longer. I'm doing much bigger things, and I got too much on my plate already. I hope I don't derail off of this path. To always put family first, above all else. Even if that means sacrificing my own dreams. Money was, and still a big concern. But I'm doing great now. I certainly provide, well... enough for us. More important, thank God I'm not anxious anymore. I'm fine with an occasional headache though. Perhaps the only downside of this whole maturing experience is that I developed a new habit of not giving a fuck, in its truest sense. Wouldn't go as far as to say I have trust issues. But in a way, I honestly think people ain't shit. I'm pretty immune to people's bullshit. And I build a huge freakin' wall to detach myself from any kind of emotional attachment. Yes, it's a shitty (and kinda sad) state of affairs to be in. Alas, life goes on.

9. If anything, don't trust anyone with badly drawn eyebrows.

10. Sekali pandang, muka Ha Yeon-soo sebijik macam muka Lisa.

11. I rarely keep my interaction here on Twitter. Tweeted something, and a couple of hours or days later, poof--- I'mma delete it.

12. Bak kata Taylor Swift, "you look like my next mistake."

13. Twice's new song is starting to grow on me. Well... guess it's true. Play any song repeatedly and it will eventually get stuck in your head. I'm not against innocence, or high school-esque, or 귀엽다, or overly girly concept. Just not a big fan of it. You put 8+ members in a group, you'll get the cheerleader effect. Doesn't matter if it's a boy or girl groups, the effect remains the same.

14. Lazada is plain evil. One minute, I'm browsing through hair care products, and the next I'm thinking of buying an all-in-one computer.

15. I'm a little burned out already. Most of the newest K-pop stuff don't excite me anymore. This obsession can only go so far. The same thing happened when I first discovered Radiohead. And Butterfingers. And Coheed & Cambria. And Mew. And 65daysofstatic. I went all out to learn everything there is to know about them. Then I got bored. And I moved on to other things. Same goes for human interaction. Or emotional attachment. Or romantic relationship. But that's another story for another time. 

16. I'm a simple man. I like Mad Max: Fury Road. I like John Wick. And Star Wars franchise. And Trainspotting/2. Tarantino's film.

17. If anything, jangan kawan dengan manusia yang mulakan ayat dia dengan, "I don't want to be THAT guy but......"

18. I don't get why most girls I've known love to use silent treatment as a defense mechanism. That shit is stupid. And that shit is annoying.

19. I meant to say 'it won't work'. Tapi  tertaip 'mana maunye." Excuse, my Perak is showing.

20. Siblings were watching Revenge of the Sith together on iflix. What a proud moment.

21. There's something cringeworthy about car clubs gathering. Unless you're planning a massive orgy among members, well... understandable. If not, it's just stupid and pointless to just gather people together.

22. Aku sentiasa berharap orang yang sudahi tweet dia dengan unnecessary kah! got his dick stuck in a drawer or something.

23. I don't care what anybody says. Wearing bluetooth headset kinda makes you look like a douchebag.

24. I struggled to differentiate the usage between teeth or tooth in a sentence this morning. I'd be lying if I ever told you that I got my shit together.

25. Life don't always go my way, and I don't think I'm okay with that.

1st

1. As opposed to the traditional 30 working days, kini aku ambil jalan untuk singkatkan semua urusan dalam jangka 20 hari. Makna kata, instead of setahun ada 12 (bulan) kitaran keluar/masuk wang, kini aku ada 18 kitaran untuk dilengkapkan. Lebih mudah dan cepat begitu, aku fikir.

2. Which means I now have a higher chance to fuck things up. Such is life.

3. Apa-apa gerai, warung, atau restoran (tak memasal viral dan meletup) yang aku kena tunggu lama dan beratur panjang, selalunya tak berbaloi untuk dikunjungi. I'm sorry, I just don't have much patience to wait in a long queue.

4. Hidup seorang lelaki bujang sebenarnya tidaklah teratur tara mana, tetapi ia seringkali simple dan santai, maka ia cenderung untuk kelihatan teratur.

5. Sekarang, kalau ada sesiapa share video/gambar/cerita hantu di Twitter, aku terus block. I don't care, friends or not, get the fuck outta my face.

6. Tempoh hari, google apa maksud scabbard. Keluar jawapan, a sheath. Greaaaaat, now I have to google what the fuck does sheath mean.

7. I got like eight cats now.

8. Tak pernah bela kucing as in bela-gila-babi-sayang-bagai-menatang-minyak-yang-penuh. I mean, sure, they're free to play anywhere. I don't know when or where they do number two, just don't do it inside my house. Once this sacred unwritten rule is broken, they'll be banned temporarily until they got their shit together (no pun intended).

9. Kinda like a human is how we treat them.

10. Well, good news. I'm going to Phuket again early next year.

11. Aku ingatkan tulis poin-demi-poin macam ni forte aku, rupa-rupanya tidak lagi.

12. When I get bored, I write. Tetapi selalunya ia sekadar suka-suka, sekadar buang masa, sekerat jalan, tak rasa nak tekan butang publish.

13. Okay lah, tak ada apa benda menarik sangat pun untuk ditulis. Until then. 

Oh, how I wish.

I'mma tell you what my dreams are right now.

1. Untuk ada enam angka dalam akaun bank sebelum umur aku mencecah 29/30 tahun.

2. Kumpul duit secukupnya supaya dapat hantar Ayah pergi menunaikan umrah/haji.

3. Habiskan baki pinjaman kereta sebanyak 30k dalam masa empat tahun.

4. Habiskan baki pinjaman sebuah lagi kereta sebanyak 20k dalam masa lima tahun.

5. Kumpul duit secukupnya untuk kos ubahsuai rumah.

6. Kumpul duit secukupnya untuk beli sebuah rumah untuk diri sendiri.

7. Venture out and try new things. The hardest part of all.

8. Cari kerja part-time untuk rasai pengalaman macam mana kerja bawah orang lain.

9. Untuk terus sara keluarga selagi mana aku termampu.

10. Kahwin?

Doakanlah. Supaya aku boleh capai semua ini tanpa banyak masalah. Supaya aku sentiasa bersyukur. Supaya aku sentiasa rendah diri. Supaya aku tak abaikan diri sendiri dan keluarga. Supaya aku tak selalu cakap besar. Supaya perjalanan hidup aku sentiasa lancar. Supaya aku jadi manusia yang lebih baik di masa akan datang. Supaya aku boleh toleh ke belakang, baca catatan ini semula, dan cakap pada diri sendiri, "Man, I finally did it."

Doakanlah. Doakanlah. Doakanlah.

엄마 행복하자

The only thing that I want is the one that I can't have. Imagine having this kind of feeling concealed deep in my heart for so long. Imagine carrying this emotional wound for the rest of my life.

I just want to see Ibu once again. That's all I'm asking for. Kalau pun aku ada seluruh dunia dan segala isinya, I still can't afford to bring her back.

I've done everything I could to survive without your presence, and I just want you to be proud of me. I've made it this far. I'm doing so well at the moment. I'm trying really really hard to take a good care of our family.

Sarah is 20 years old now. She's a second-year student in university. Aisyah is teaching little kids in school. Aiman is doing fine as well. And I'm turning 26 in less than two months. Everyone's in a good condition.

I wish you were here with us. I miss everything about you. I miss you. I really do.

I mean... literally.

Get rich or die tryin'.

개소리

1. Money is only a temporary coping mechanism to even bigger issues. And I should stop talking about it ever again. It often does more harm than good.

2. "I miss my short hair" - shit I never thought I'd say.

3. Today is Raja Muhammad Danial Ihsaan's birthday. Do good, be good, and don't ever be like me. I love you, my favorite kid. 

4. "Good morning, and in case I don't see ya, good afternoon, good evening, and good night." - Truman Burbank, The Truman Show (1998)

5. "Stop worrying about things that haven't happened yet." This is by far the most stupid piece of advice I ever gave to myself.

6. I always avoid making eye contact when I'm annoyed or uncomfortable with someone. I'd rather stare at the wall or something.

7. 

8. Sure, we look good together. Too bad, it ain't gonna happen.

9. Maybe it's true. Greed knows no boundaries.

10. Everybody has their own struggles, I guess. Mine are tolerable, at least for the time being.

11. You don't know the real meaning of exaggeration until you watch all these female YouTubers react to Big Bang - Let's Not Fall in Love M/V.

12. Existential crisis all day every day.

13. Is it rude to not shake someone's hand? Unless they outstretched their hand first, I seldom offer mine.

14. 나에게 돌아오기가 어렵고 힘든 걸 알아 

naege doraogiga eoryeobgo himdeun geol ara

I know it’s hard and difficult to come back to me

그냥 그래

Tengah hari, dan aku dah selesai semua kerja. Maka aku duduk seketika di sebuah bangku untuk meredakan lelah yang masih belum hilang sebelum pulang ke rumah sebentar lagi. Aku nyalakan sebatang rokok. Di sebelah aku ada satu tin Nescafe masih belum dibuka.

No one's at home. Kalau aku tergesa-gesa balik awal sekalipun, tak ada apa benda lain untuk aku buat, kecuali makan dan selepas itu entahlah... baring/tidur sepanjang petang.

Tak jauh daripada tempat aku duduk, ada seorang pakcik yang aku dah lama kenal. Aku senyum tengok dia. Dia senyum tengok aku. Dengan rokok yang masih sedikit bersisa, aku bingkas bangun daripada duduk, capai tin Nescafe yang masih belum dibuka, kemudian aku mengeluh panjang.

"Hehh, nak balik rumah pun rasa malas."

He heard my expression of weariness, and he smiled. "Kahwin la cepat. Baru la rasa seronok nak balik rumah."

Oh, if only he knew I've been seeing his daughter on and off.

Love is an illusion. And you are a fool.

You are lonely. You are bored. Out of nowhere, someone new comes along into your life. You feel attracted. You feel captivated. You are intrigued. What is this feeling, you asked yourself. Albeit knowing the answer very well. You hesitated. But you wanted to feel more. Perhaps this is something different. You are curious. And you began to wonder, is the feeling mutual. You gotta make sure. You have the need to define the feeling. The urge to validate everything in an instant. You flirted a bit here and there. Throwing out hints. Finding reasons to spark an unnecessary conversation. Typing excessive hahahaha at the end of sentences that are not particularly funny to ease the awkwardness. But you are scared. You have been down the same road before. This is all too familiar. This shit ain't right. You started telling comforting lies to yourself. Hey, it is going to be okay. Hey, nothing to worry about. Hey, this is my chance. You are a grown up. You can take a good care of yourself. You can handle anything. Or so you thought. Next thing you know, you are eagerly waiting for phone call. And text messages. You are busy stalking them on social media sites. You are busy finding similarities that aren't really there. You are blinded by all the differences. You lose yourself in the process. You see what you want to see. You hear what you want to hear. You are set in your own way. Nothing is going to stop you. That very person is always there for you. Sharing, laughing, talking, texting, making plans. You are not lonely anymore. You are not bored. You are happy now.

And this is just the beginning.

Disjointed af, but who cares?

26 years of age, and I now run things on my own. And it's quite satisfying, I must say. To take full control and have absolute freedom to move/proceed in any direction I ever so desired.

Granted it's not big enough that I could afford to sit back 24/7 at home and let the money magically comes pouring in. But it's enough to sustain my current lifestyle, and to support my family financially. I get to hire more people if I needed to (though it's highly unnecessary at the moment). I get to decide where the money should be spent on. I get to decide what to do next. I get to have the final say in everything.

I'm writing this down as an aide-memoire, sort of. To remind myself if things ever went south in the future (I hope not), sekurang-kurangnya aku tahu apa yang pernah dilalui dan bagaimana untuk menjejaki atau berpatah balik kepada petak mula.

Umur aku kini lebih dekat kepada 30-an berbanding 20-an. I'm not a teenage anymore. Untuk berlaku jujur, aku dah tak berapa ingat bagaimana sebahagian besar awal dua puluhan aku berlaku. Aku habis sekolah menengah. Kemudian aku masuk kolej. Tamat pengajian. Mula bekerja. And poof-- here I am today. In the midst of it all, life happens. Ia seolah-olah terjadi sepintas lalu. Ia samar-samar. Ia bersimpang-siur; tak terurus langsung. I have little, if not none, meaningful recollection of my mid-twenties. Dan sentiasa wujud persoalan, the fuck am I doing with my life in between those crucial periods?

Awal 20-an, aku fikir aku ada segalanya. In short, I thought I had it all figured out. I thought life's going to be easy on me. No, fuck no. It's not always rainbows and butterflies. I went through all the hardships. The obstacles. The hurdles. The stresses. The troubles. The struggles.

I'm a pessimist, there I said it. Kadang-kadang aku rasa aku sebenarnya tak cool, dan selalu serabut tak tentu hala. Dalam urusan kerja misalnya. I mean, to constantly pump out the exact same amount of money each month is not an easy task. Doable, yes, but it needs unceasing perseverance. Adakalanya aku tak lepas daripada mengalami kerugian. Tak banyak tara mana. Bukanlah rugi sampai tergadai habis semua. Itu pun aku tak boleh nak hadapi dengan hati yang terbuka. Hell, two or three years ago, I wouldn't even dare to imagine I could afford this kind of lifestyle I'm living right now.

I always say love comes in many forms. Same goes - in its ever-changing presence - with rezeki. You may not see it, but it's definitely there. First thing that comes to mind when I think about rezeki is money. Sebab ia satu benda yang paling mudah aku boleh nampak depan mata. It's tangible. Ia sentiasa disebut-sebut. Ia hadir dalam urusan kehidupan seharian.

God has given me enough. In fact, much more than I actually deserve. But me, being ungrateful as usual, couldn't perceive this at first. Aku selalu fikir ada wang dan harta yang banyak adalah satu-satunya benda paling penting untuk dicapai dalam hidup. That's all I could ever think of. Sampai satu tahap, aku rasa tak lain tak bukan, aku semacam dah jadi hamba kepada not-not ringgit ini.

However, I failed to take into account all the years I spent living healthily. Sihat fizikal dan ment... well, I think have a questionable mental health, but that's another story for another time. Jatuh demam pun mungkin hanya setahun sekali. Ada tempat tinggal yang selesa. Ada kenderaan untuk bergerak ke sana sini. Ada cukup makanan atas meja. Ada pakaian lengkap serba-serbi. Ada keluarga yang memahami. Ada kawan-kawan yang sentiasa bersama ketika susah dan senang. Ada kehidupan sosial yang sederhana tetapi meriah. Ada wang simpanan untuk kecemasan dan lain-lain hal.

What more do I want in life, I asked myself. If anything, I'm the one being unnecessarily greedy here. Kerana semua benda yang aku tulis tadi, adalah nikmat dan rezeki yang telah sekian lama wujud dalam hidup ini. Kot ya pun ada benda yang barai, I don't know... my love life, maybe? But still, I should be grateful. Sekurang-kurangnya, aku berpeluang untuk kenal dengan sekian-sekian perempuan yang, sedikit sebanyak, mengajar aku tentang banyak benda.

I'm not here to brag. Or to shove it all up in anyone's face. Or to even compete. What for? I have absolutely nothing to prove to you people. Boleh jadi semua yang aku tulis ini adalah koya masuk-bakul-angkat-sendiri dan temberang belaka. And you wouldn't even know.

Like I said, I'm writing this down as a reminder for my future self. To know and learn the fact that I'm actually capable of achieving something in life, man, that's... priceless. Because I grew up spending a huge part of my life not knowing and having no clue on what to do, and when to act, and where to begin.

Perhaps I've changed a lot. A whole lot. I'm not the same person I used to be years ago. But I'm still struggling and trying to figure out how to untangle this messy and cryptic life. And I need to constantly remind myself, to never ever take things for granted. And to always be grateful.

For now, it is what it is.

Weird ass food + bunch of good friends

It was last week. Razin and his wife invited me to their new house. Aku ada buat open house makan-makan sikit hari Sabtu lepas Asar, dia pelawa. Aku ajak geng-geng kita je, dia tambah lagi. Tak janji, aku balas sebelum menyambung, takut tak ada orang ganti tempat aku. I'll be busy over the weekend. 

Entah berapa kali dia ajak datang ke rumah aku tolak, dia ajak aku tolak, dia ajak aku tolak. Ah what the hell, I figured it wouldn't hurt to sacrifice a bit of my time to pay them a visit.

I had lunch with S earlier that day. The usual gossip session. Catching up with each other's lives and whatnot. Alas, what else to do in KL? I brought S with me to meet them. Sebab aku malas nak patah balik hantar dia pulang ke rumah dulu, ke hulu ke hilir buat kerja dua tiga kali. Didn't think she'd agree to tag along at first. But I'm glad she did. Thanks to her, I learned something valuable. Never mind, I'll get back to that later.

So, there I was. Dalam sebuah rumah kecil yang penuh dengan manusia-manusia kegemaran. Yang kebanyakannya aku dah kenal lebih daripada sepuluh tahun. Great atmosphere in such confined space. Full of laughter. Sheer joy and pleasure. We were busy goofing around like there's no tomorrow. We didn't do much though. I don't know, we just kinda... talked and laughed.  Maybe that's the real definition of happiness, in its simplest form.

Friends are like married old couple. At least that's how I see it. Sometimes you just sit there, and they're there. Not doing much. Playing with their phones. Watching TV quietly. Sleeping soundly. Not moving or anything. But their existence is somewhat being cherished. And you feel homely and comfortable just to be around them.

Our circle of friends are growing bigger. It's no longer just us boys. But now with babies and wives. Both theirs, obviously. New dimension. New perspective. New meaning. The trick is to look at things differently. And to try to assimilate everything or to fit everyone into something even more meaningful. Of course, we haven't changed much. We're still bunch of silly boys with lack of common sense every time we meet each other.

I embrace things as it is, regardless. I never feel left out, nor I feel out of place. But we surely can't stay the same forever. The dynamic of our friendship has changed significantly. 

I was in the kitchen with Ayishah, taking a cigarette break from social convention happening at the living room. "Dia ni ke dulu yang---"

She was referring to S. To which I quickly nodded and replied, "Yes. One and the same."

I've told her a little bit about S long time ago. How it started. And how it ended. Bla bla bla. No more, no less.

Dia tengok aku. Aku tengok dia. Dalam sebuah perbualan telepati, dia tak payah buka mulut untuk tanya soalan, aku sendiri dah siap sedia bagi jawapan.

"Kawan lah."

Dia tengok aku. Aku tengok dia.

"Ya betul, kawan," aku ulang sekali lagi. And it goes without saying, she didn't​ believe me. In fact, none of them ever did. S is a friend. A good one at that. I enjoy her company and our occasional conversation. She's so much fun to be around.

Ayishah don't see things the way I do. She has different approach altogether. Which is why she's being very persistent and pretty adamant on the fact that I shouldn't let S go easily.

I'm sorry... what? Let her... I mean? ... What?

Like I said, I'm glad I brought S along with me. I now, up to certain point, can fully understand and relate as to why people say if it doesn't​ work back then, it won't the second time around.

Because going back to the way things used to be sounds like a really stupid idea. A lot has changed. I've changed. She's changed. It's all in the past. Like what, two years ago? And to simply pick up from where we left off? I never want to go down the same road ever again. Believe me, I've been there. And surprise surprise, that's exactly where things went awry.

Elena Tonra was right, "burned out flames should never re-ignite."

22nd July 2017

Life in a nutshell (3)

Trauma & Hal-Hal yang Tak Selesai

Tiga perkara aku paling takut dalam dunia ini.

1. Perempuan tengah marah.

2. Male pattern baldness.

3. Tandas tersumbat.

Exactly in that order.

What's good, July? (2)

"Are you seeing anyone right now?" Ini soalan yang tak lain tak bukan adalah versi baru untuk soalan bila-kau-nak-kahwin. Maybe they're tired of asking the same damn question, so they twisted it around a little bit. Aku, macam biasa, jawab ringkas, "Tak. Tak ada siapa-siapa pun."

Mereka tanya sewaktu kami dalam perjalanan keluar mencari makan malam. Mereka; sepasang laki bini yang baru berkahwin beberapa bulan lepas, datang ke Sitiawan untuk berhujung minggu di sini. Both are my friends. Jenis sekepala, tak banyak kerenah, dan paling utama, kewujudan/kehadiran mereka tak pernah gagal buatkan aku rasa gembira.

"Sibuk," aku sambung lagi, "sibuk dengan hidup."

Not going to lie here, I really really suck at dating. Or meeting new people. Or laying the foundation of a relationship. Or sustaining one, for that matter. The only thing I'm good at is the chasing part. Boo-hoo, big fucking deal, everyone's good at it. Sebab apa? Sebab ini bahagian paling mudah dan seronok. The hi-hi hu-hu ha-ha moment. The so-called honeymoon period.

I honestly think I'm the real problem. No, that's too harsh. Maybe I'm part of the problem, and half the reasons why any of my relationships didn't work out. And this is not a pathetic attempt to sell myself short or to play the victim card here. Just merely stating out the truth. Because right now, this is how I feel.

What do I actually have to bring to the fucking table?

Personality? Wealth? Reassuring future? Promising career? Long hard dick? Skills in bed? Charm? Attractiveness? Good looks? Sweet words? Heavenly promises?

I'm nothing but a failure. Been living my whole life not knowing what to do next. I'm heavily dependent on God's mercy and the kindness of the Universe to survive.

As of now, I've stopped trying to find one. I have tons of other things to do. I have no energy left to be wasted to accommodate someone new in life. Whether I'm in a relationship or not, I must strive relentlessly to be a better person. I figured even if my love life are way beyond saving, I shouldn't​ be a nuisance to other people. I shouldn't get in anyone's way.

Always do good, dear Self. Always be good. InsyaAllah, you'll be fine.

What's good, July?

1. My raya was great. Penuhi tuntutan raya pertama di rumah Opah di Sitiawan. Makan nasi lemak sambal udang. Bersalam-salaman. Tangkap gambar beramai-ramai. Ziarah kubur. You know, the usual stuff. Dan pulang ke rumah pada waktu tengah hari untuk tidur sepanjang petang. 

2. My family went back to Penang/Kedah on the afternoon of first raya. Aku tak ikut. Sebab malas nak memandu beratus-ratus kilometer sambil bersesak-sesak di atas jalanraya. Jadi aku habiskan raya pertama, kedua, dan ketiga di Sitiawan seorang diri. Like I said, it was great. Me time at its finest. Masuk tidur lewat, bangun pagi hisap rokok dengan penuh rasa tenang sebab tak payah pergi kerja, bagi kucing makan, baring tak buat apa-apa, pergi beraya dua tiga buah rumah kawan, lepak minum, main snooker bla bla bla.

3. Raya keempat aku pulang ke rumah mak sedara di Gurun. Dan kemudiannya bergerak untuk menghadiri kenduri kahwin sepupu di satu kawasan hutan berdekatan Pendang (atau boleh jadi aku tersilap mungkin ia sebenarnya bukan di Pendang).

4. Sitiawan - Gurun tiga jam. Gurun - Pendang sejam. Maka empat jam aku habiskan di atas jalanraya semata-mata untuk sepinggan nasi kenduri. Dan kemudian lima jam perjalanan pulang ke Sitiawan sebab terkandas seketika dalam kesesakan trafik di Sungai Petani dan juga di Juru. Sembilan pagi keluar rumah, sembilan malam sampai semula. Such is journey.

5. Walaupun mobile network coverage barai gila babi di kebanyakan tempat, Kedah is still a nice place with breathtaking panoramic views.

6. Dalam perjalanan pulang melalui satu kawasan kampung di mana entah, terjumpa satu papan tanda arah tertulis Bomoh Siam. Wow, amusing af.

7. "Sohai, sohaiiiiiii" - Hymn For The Weekend by Coldplay.

8. Perempuan pakai kain batik is my kryptonite.

9. Perempuan Paling Cantik Dalam Dunia.

10. Stop romanticising the past, dear Self. 

11. Have you ever stopped to wonder, this shit doesn't taste anything like or nowhere near close to the real curry flavor while eating Maggi curry flavor instant noodles.

12. #Allcurrymatter

13. Couldn't bring myself to watch a lot of Korean food variety shows, as I find their habit of slurping soup-based dish somewhat... irksome.

14. Perlu difahami, budaya dan tatacara makan mereka di sana memang begitu. Tapi itulah, aku yang menonton di sini rasa macam nak lempang sekor-sekor.

15. "There's a great quote I read once. It says that love is like a peek into paradise."

16. How can one be both beautiful and cute at the same time? Oh Hayoung makes it look so easy.

17. Soalan paling kerap ditanya waktu pulang beraya di kampung tahun ini: awat hang makin kuruih?

18. Ramadan aftereffect, I guess.

19. Dan tak ada sesiapa tanya soalan bila nak kahwin. For real though, I think they've given up hope.

20. Well, tough luck. Me too.

21. [Deleted]

22. Life's treating me well, in case you're wondering.

23. Ihsaan dah pulang ke asrama setelah seminggu bercuti hari raya. See you again next year, little kid. I love you.

24. Baru perasan aku dah pakai baju sama untuk tiga tahun raya berturut-turut. Yes, I honestly don't care.

25. Susah untuk tak rasa rimas bila dah berambut panjang. But the question remains: how long before I fold?

26. Fuck this shit. That's all for now. Until then.

Pre-April

Rasa macam dah lama tak menulis apa-apa cerita yang bernilai tentang hidup, keluarga, kawan dan lain-lain hal. Sudah tentu, tidak menulis tidak bermakna tiada apa-apa langsung yang terjadi. I'm a good storyteller. There, I said it. Spend a day with me, and I'll freakin' write everything about you instantaneously.

It's been a long time since I last write a good story of my life. Things did happened, for sure. Good things. And the bad things. But do I feel like writing it down here? Nah, not really. Everything's so blurry these days. Rokok pun boleh lupa berapa hari lepas aku beli, apatah lagi untuk ingat perkara yang berlaku seminggu yang lalu. Atau sebulan yang lalu. Atau setahun yang lalu.

Bak kata Zamani Slam, "biarkan ia pergiiiiii, jangan dikesalkannnnn, takkan kembaaaaliiiiii, cinta yang telahhh perrrgiiiiiiiii...."

Different context, but you get the gist.

I've let go of everything. To never keep any memories. To just live life as it is. To just go with the flow. To be a dead fish. Because I remember things so well. I could easily recall everything, in the exact same order, without missing anything. Yes, because I'm anal like that.

It's a burden. Which I refused to bear any longer. What's the freakin' point? As long as I'm happy, that'll do for now. No more headache. No more heartache.

And it's a step to get better, I guess.

Rabu 29 Mac 2017

What's good, June? (2)

1. Rasa macam nak bagi duit raya sorang lima puluh ringgit untuk sepupu/anak-anak buah tahun ini. You know, just to prove a point. 

2. Dan juga sebagai tanda protes terhadap mak/pak sedara yang selalu dok ulang soalan, "Hang tak terai apply kerja gomen ka?"

3. I'm an asshole. Not proud, but there I said it. Never once I go around pretending like I hold the moral high ground or something. I'm responsible for my behavior, not how you perceive it. I care the fuck not what you think of me. Go take a fucking hike.

4. Go play the victim card someplace else, motherfuckers.

5. Akhirnya aku dah dengar lagu Despacito. I don't get all the fuss about this shitty generic latino song. Sounds pretty much like Bailando or El Perdón.

6. Tak faham orang yang bangga dia makan kurma dulu pastu solat pastu baru proceed with heavy meals. Great, now, you want a medal or something?

7. One can only hope. And hope's a bitch.

8. Setiap kali dengar lagu Divina Commedia (link), rasa macam tengah dengar lagu MGMT. It gives off a similar vibe.

9. I think Hyuna has the closest resemblance to G-Dragon. A female version of him, in a way. They both have unique contradictory personality on and off stage.

10. Bangun pagi dengan hati berat dan seret kaki pergi kerja, berbekalkan falsafah, "that's the spirit!"

11. My recent thoughts on Maryam: she needs a good dick in her life.

12. Perhaps, Maryam is the real definition and genuine example of social pariah.

13. And perhaps, Maryam is my next favorite thing that provides amusement right after Jayzuan.

14. ACT III, M.O.T.T.E (link) is coming to Kuala Lumpur on 16th September 2017.

15. Dear Lord, the temptation is real.

Money trees is the perfect place for shade, and that's just how I feel.

"Aku dah bosan la makan gaji. Hari-hari buat benda sama." A friend told me the other night. Sebuah perbualan melepasi lewat malam di hadapan pintu kedai snooker. I still don't understand how we still have the ability to converse anytime, anywhere. Tiga jam kami berdiri, kemudian duduk mencangkung, kemudian berdiri semula, kemudian... sambil berbual tentang entah apa-apa entah.

I didn't say anything at first, as I feel I couldn't relate more to that. Unless you're a horny porn star, aku fikir akan tiba satu tahap, sesiapa sahaja ada kecenderungan untuk terdetik rasa bosan dengan apa-apa pekerjaan sekalipun. It's inevitable, I guess. Untuk merasa terbeban dengan rutin-rutin banal yang seakan tiada penghujung. It gets you, sooner or later. Or in my case, sooner AND later.

Kawan aku cerita panjang lebar, makan gaji begitulah cara hidupnya. Kerja, kerja, kerja, tunggu hujung bulan gaji masuk, bayar itu ini, simpan sana sini, dan ulang kitaran sama sehinggalah...

"You're lucky," aku balas. To be honest, I don't see what all the fuss was about. Melainkan kau seorang revolusioner yang sanggup menongkah arus atau kontrarian tegar yang detached dengan realiti, aku fikir ini satu sistem yang kebanyakan orang akan, bakal, telah lalui untuk sekian lama. There's no sense grinding over petty things.

Aku beritahu aku juga lalui perkara yang sama. Untuk allocate sekian sekian amaun yang aku fikir cukup untuk serba-serbi dalam tempoh sebulan, walaupun aku boleh bolot semua sekali masuk dalam poket sendiri. Point is, to live within one's means.

"Fuck this shit, I'm out." Oh how I wish I had the guts to pull the trigger. It all stems back from trying to be filthy rich at such young age. To try to climb the ladder as quickly as possible to reach the top. It's not an easy feat to say the least. Bak orang seorang manusia cerdas, it's only hard if you want to build it into a massive success.

It's true. To sustain something you build is far more difficult. Kalau aku punyai pilihan untuk buang semua beban kewangan yang mencecah hampir 30-40k setahun, aku kira kepala aku tidak akan sesakit ini. Tak banyak mana sebenarnya, kalau nak dibandingkan dengan manusia lain. But I'm not interested in competing. The fuck I care with other people's issues in life.

Alas, what can one do? Apa boleh buat. Ini jalan hidup yang aku pilih. Tidak dapat tidak, terpaksa redah walaupun payah. Meskipun merungut dan menyalahkan takdir adalah satu pilihan yang lebih mudah demi menyelesakan hati.

"I'm tired of being anxious the whole time." I told him. Aku tak tahu apa esok akan bawa. Tak ada jaminan untuk aku sempat menarik nafas lega. Yang aku ada cuma harapan dan doa supaya Tuhan sentiasa selesakan hidup aku tanpa sebarang masalah untuk satu tempoh yang panjang.

What's good, June?

1. "I think a lot of art is trying to make someone love you. Doing a little dance for one particular person." - Keaton Henson

2. If anything, jangan kawan dengan manusia yang mulakan ayat dia dengan, "Aku ni takdelah alim mana, tapi...." They're usually not very smart.

3. Jangan kawan dengan orang yang tak hisap rokok tapi dalam poket dia ada pemetik api.

4. Jangan kawan dengan orang yang terus gaul nasi lemak dengan sambal semua sekaligus. Ini perangai orang gasar yang tak patut ditolak-ansur.

5. Tengah cuba untuk fahami apa masalah hidup orang yang tergamak nak hantar smiley (-: instead of :-)

6. Jangan ambil serius orang yang selalu jumpa duit dalam poket seluarnya. Orang cenggini biasanya hidup tak teratur dan tak pandai urus duit.

7. Nam Bo-ra adalah definisi sebenar gila babi adorable.

8. Jangan kawan dengan orang yang cakap silence is an answer too. They're such a fucking asshole.

9. Jangan sesekali kawan dengan orang yang suruh jangan kawan dengan orang lain.

10. Yes, irony-impaired at its finest.

11. If anything, aku harap tak ada sesiapa perlu kahwin dengan manusia jenis menggelupur request doktor perempuan bila isteri nak bersalin.

12. A lot of things can be solved when you stop giving a fuck. You'll, surprise surprise, lead a better meaningful life. I mean, we all could be grinding on the fact that the terlajak laris guy is a bimbo; throwing and flaunting everything he has in our faces. But ask yourself this: do I really need to give a fuck about him? If the answer is yes, then you're just bitter af and you're the real bimbo here.

13. Aku rasa banyak restoran tak reti bezakan antara carbonara dengan alfredo. Man, get your shit together. Those two are definitely not the same.

14. I kinda get why people use bacon grease as seasoning. It's salty enough to be use as one. If you put a smoked bacon on burger, and it'll taste a bit salty which is for my liking. Imo, chicken/beef bacon don't quite do the trick.

15. Jangan sesekali percaya dengan citarasa manusia yang cakap Dunhill adalah rokok paling sedap dia pernah hisap.

16. My old man went to the gym this morning. If I had a million guesses, I never would have gotten that.

17. I like to think that my ability to mock something effortlessly as a defense mechanism to push people away. Even with strangers or friends, it's always been like that from the very beginning. I did it out of spite. You're damn right, something is very wrong with me. If I had a dollar for every time someone told/texted/called/DM-ed me you're an asshole, I'd be rich af. I'm forever grateful to the people who stayed. Regardless of my assholery.

18. Susah nak percaya dengan manusia yang bila dia buat dosa, dia tak buat dengan bersungguh-sungguh.

19. Get rich or die tryin'. That's the only way to go.

20. "....we were built for sexual speed as opposed to marital comfort, at least physically." Hmm okay, interesting.

21. I'm having a hard time deciphering this new shitty abbreviations like wyd, wym, tfw etc.

22. Norwegian Wood is my favorite, even after all these years. There, I said it. Wouldn't go so far as to call him the greatest writer ever, but his writing hits a little close to home. First chapter of NW had the biggest influence on me. Sampai sekarang aku masih guna template penceritaan bab satu NW sewaktu menulis. The way I see it, ia satu chapter yang bukan sahaja boleh dicabut daripada kerangka novel, tetapi boleh berdiri sendiri as a short story. Which is great, kot? Ia lebih bebas untuk ditafsir/hadam. Dan transisi dari satu bab ke satu bab yang lain tak jadi terlalu one-dimensional. Ayat terakhirnya sampai sekarang menghantui aku, "Because Naoko never loved me."

23. Haikal: Abang pernah pergi celapong tak?

Me: ................. 

Dik, I first heard this joke twenty years ago.

24. 싸펑피펑?? 싸펑피펑??

25. I don't get why people expect Psy to came out with another Gangnam Style-esque song. He produces a whole lot more than just Gangnam Style, I kid you not. And it kinda pisses me off when people dubbed him as an one-hit wonder. Will he ever reach the same, if not higher, level of popularity as before? Impossible, I'd say. But who the hell cares? Move the fuck on. Gangnam Style is so 2012.

26. Bak kata Sheldon, "... the foundation of gift-giving is reciprocity. You haven’t given me a gift, you’ve given me an obligation."

27. 'Perangai tak boleh bawa majlis' dah patut officially declared as perumpamaan baru.

28. Tak pasti kenapa selalu sangat kenal perempuan umur 19-20 tahun. 7 years my junior though. Kalau letak dalam keluarga aku, boleh jadi adik aku yang nombor lima. Now, that's some fucked up shit right there. In my defense, they don't look 19. But still, feels weird to me.

29. It's a weird ass catchy song with no chorus. And no hook. Didn't even modulate to go to the bridge section. And it just ends abruptly. And up until Seungri's part at the end, the song switches back and forth between rap and vocal twice, albeit heading nowhere. But the beat is on point. Swagirae at its finest. Still my favorite from their MADE album. Please have a listen. You'll not be disappointed. Big Bang - Bae Bae (link)

30. If I were to recommend my all time favorite movies to anyone, it would be Trainspotting and Mad Max: Fury Road.

31. And if you can sit through two hours of My Dinner with Andre, I'll voluntarily treat you to any kind of dinner you want.

32. You think I'mma uninstall security update for Windows just because my computer audio isn't working? Because that's exactly what I'mma do.

33. Being a Perakian, I think I possess weird range of saying things differently.

34. "It's not important what you do. But whatever you do, I want you to be happy."

35. Trainspotting 2 is so fucking good, man. So fucking good.

36. Tiap kali masuk drugstore, I'm like a lost puppy.

37. Banyak masalah dalam hidup boleh dilegakan dengan beromen. Aku harap tak ada siapa bantah kenyataan ini.

38. Only few of my high school/college/real life friends are here on Twitter. I honestly don't have a clue as to what they've been up to lately. Deactivated my only source of trivial information about other people's lives, FB and IG account for good. The rest of you are group of people whom I've never even met, or maybe once or twice in real life. And that's pretty much it. That's okay, that's alright. I'm not for any kind of emotional attachment. Perhaps our paths were destined to cross just for a little while. We interacted a bit, and what the hell... life goes on. Bak kata Seungri, geurae neomu meolli wabeoryeosseo nan.

39. Long hair don't really suit me. Been keeping it for 6 month already, I guess I just want to see how long can I endure.

40. Comfort kills.

Of Ramadan and everything in between

1. Seorang kawan pelawa untuk bagi kerja makan untung atas angin. Melihat kepada pulangan yang bakal aku terima kelak, terdetik dalam hati ini: mungkin dah tiba masanya aku pakai kereta BMW 3 Series.

2. Easy money, I'd say. But I'm prolly going to turn down the offer.

3. Perempuan Paling Cantik Dalam Dunia.

4. She wore plain baju kurung the other day. And I thought to myself, yes, Perempuan Paling Cantik Dalam Dunia indeed.

5. I've seen her in many different kinds of attire, but nothing beats the beauty of her in plain baju kurung.

6. Like I said, I just need to fall in love to get back into writing.

7. It is what it is. It is what it is. It is what it is. 

8. Perempuan Paling Cantik Dalam Dunia.

9. How's my Ramadan? So far so good. Kecuali waktu tidur yang berterabur dan tak ketahuan hala.

10. Aku dah tetapkan working hours untuk bulan puasa ini adalah selama lima jam. Enam jam sebenarnya, tolak sejam aku balik rumah jam sepuluh pagi untuk mengular.

11. If any of you people are reading this, dan rasa nak berbuka puasa sesama di memana lokasi yang tak membebankan aku untuk pergi-balik tanpa perlu bermalam, do tell.

12. Don't worry about paying, it's my treat.

What's good, May? (3)

1. Switched from Maxis to Digi. Best decision ever. I got unlimited calls to any network and 10GB internet data quota. I think this needs to be said out loud: fuck you, Maxis.

2. Made my life easier. Senang aku nak telefon sesiapa, terutama yang bersangkut-paut dalam hal-hal kerja, tanpa perlu bimbang berapa banyak duit aku kena telan.

3. Nak telefon makwe, makwe tak ada. Ohhh apakan daya....

4. I'm glad I'm doing this the right way. Untuk tidak campurkan wang yang berkaitan dengan hal kerja dengan wang peribadi. Walaupun boleh sebenarnya kalau nak pulun semua masuk dalam poket sendiri. And it proved to be somewhat useful though. Makin kurang perbelanjaan yang overlap antara satu sama lain. 

5. Makan gaji, in the truest sense. Or so I thought.

6. Sustaining my current lifestyle. That's all in my head now.

7. Since when holding a conversation with another human being has become such a herculean task for me?

8. To be honest, at times like this, I don't even feel lonely *wait, I'mma jinx it*. If anything, I do feel bored. Tindakan refleks terhadap situasi begini sepatutnya adalah untuk cuba menghantar pesanan teks kepada manusia yang aku selesa berhubung atau menelefon mereka untuk berbual kosong, atau bertanya khabar. But here's the thing. I care the fuck not about you people well-being. Each and every one of you. Sikit pun tak berminat nak ambil tahu pasal hidup orang lain buat waktu ini (which is why I deactivated my Facebook and Instagram account, but that's another story for another time).

9. Even the thought of having to go through the whole conversation while I'm clearly uninterested makes me feel overwhelmed. 

10. It's not you. It's me.

11. I like to mock (or tease, I go back and forth between those two) people on Twitter. I do this because I don't know... it's fun? To take their words and twist it around like it's some kind of a joke. More often than not, it came out as condescending.

12. With that being said, people often took it the wrong way (as they should, duh). As if I'm threatening their whole existence or something. Heh, puny human.

13. Ada syurga khas untuk perempuan yang playfully balas pesanan teks aku dengan tehehehe.

14. It's all about looking at things differently. That's adulthood, I suppose? It involves a lot of trial and error. There's no absolute correct way of doing it. Find what suits you and take a slow cautious step from there. 

15. Sometimes I get mad, and frustrated. I do. I'm only human.

16. Why do I have to pay for shit? Beli itu, aku. Beli ini, aku. Bayar itu, aku. Bayar ini, aku. Why do I have to bear this alone? Like I said, I'm only human. Ada sisi gelap dalam diri ini yang selfishly tak mahu peduli atau jaga kebajikan orang lain.

17. Kerana bebanan ini datang atas nama tanggungjawab. I'm a man of many things; I might be lazy, I might be heartless, but I'm not the one, as much as I hate doing it, who allegedly trying to avoid my responsibility.

18. I came to my senses. Dan aku mengalah. Maybe that's the right thing to do. Kerana duit ini boleh dicari. Dan barangkali rezeki akan datang lebih lagi di lain hari.

19. Tetapi keluarga cuma ada satu. Dan yang satu ini, adalah segala-galanya untuk aku.

20. Mungkin dah tertulis, untuk aku jaga keluarga sendiri selagi termampu. As long as they're happy, I'm happy.

21. I wake up every morning not knowing what lies ahead for me in the future. I have no clue.

22. So... you write exactly like me? Wow, congratu-fuckin-lation.

23. Took me approximately two weeks to finish this piece of shit. So yeah... until then.

What's good, May? (2)

I forgot to tell them I saw someone from my past the other day. She's still beautiful as ever. Not important, I guess. Which is why the subject of her never really came out in our conversation.

They sent me home at 8PM before heading to Ipoh for a curry mee session. I couldn't join them. Sebab aku tak cukup tidur. Dan badan aku rasa letih setelah menghabiskan sehari suntuk melayan tetamu dari KL ini. Saturday and Sunday, 48 hours straight, and I barely got any sleep. Hujung minggu yang sepatutnya dibazirkan dengan berbaring-baring dan bermalas-malasan di rumah, telah bertukar menjadi sebaliknya.

Tak mengapa, detik hati ini. Bukan selalu. Kalau nak harap aku hidupkan enjin kereta dan memandu ke KL untuk berjumpa mereka, kebarangkalian yang wujud adalah sangat tipis. Sibuk menyelenggara kehidupan, dan aku jarang ada sela masa yang lama untuk dibahagi-bahagi selain daripada mengadap hal-hal kerja.

"Butoh la pergi KL ada mende? Jauh gila," as I would always say.

Life is changing so fast. Kawan ini kahwin. Kawan itu kahwin. Kawan ini tukar kerja. Kawan itu mula bisnes baru. Kawan ini pindah tempat tinggal. Kawan itu pindah tempat tinggal. Tak terkejar, dan tak rasa nak kejar sebenarnya. As of now, I just let everything happen naturally. I should be focusing more on me. And solely on my own growth process. Setting my own pace. That's what matters.

I feel a bit empty after they left. Kerana ini kawan-kawan lama, yang jauh di sudut hati, aku berharap mereka masih sentiasa akan di sini untuk satu tempoh yang panjang. You know, just like good old days. But that's not how life works. That's not how any of this works.

Maybe that's the sign of true friendship. I feel happy when they're here. I feel awhhh please don't go when they're about to leave. Their presence is still highly appreciated in my life, no matter how far we are from each other.

I feel sad. And I get mad sometimes. Apatah lagi setelah menyedari banyak perkara dalam hidup ini yang berada di luar jangkaan dan kawalan aku. Tak ada apa yang aku boleh buat untuk susun perjalanan hidup ini dalam satu acuan yang sempurna. Thus I learned how to let go. Of everything. And everyone.

Live well, dear Self. You'll be fine.

14/05/2017

Sejujurnya, aku dah tak ingat tarikh tepat Ibu meninggal dunia. Jauh di sudut hati, aku seperti seakan tidak pernah untuk cuba kekal mengingati. It was a long time ago would be the answer if I were to be asked. I never want to do the math. Tahun apa. Bulan apa. Hari apa. Ibu umur berapa waktu itu. Aku umur berapa waktu itu. Ayah umur berapa waktu itu. Adik-beradik lain umur berapa waktu itu. Ia memori yang, oh demi Tuhan, terlalu pahit untuk disimpan lama.

Ibu, I'm turning 26 this year. And I'm still learning how to take a good care of everyone right now. I'm trying really really hard. Ibu, Abang will always be missing you.

Happy Mother's Day, Ibu.

What's good, May?

1. My old man's phone went kaput last week. I bought him a new one.

2. And I bought myself a new one too. There goes my money.

3. This is only my third smartphone. Aku harap ia tidak akan lagi jatuh, pecah berderai, dan rosak seperti sebelum-sebelum ini. *I have it on good authority that I'mma jinx it somehow*

4. So, what's new in my life?

5. To be honest, I don't know how to write anymore. Or more like, on what basis should I write? Sebelum ini, aku fikir setiap satu yang berlaku dalam hidup ini adalah sebuah parable yang perlu dipahatkan dalam bentuk tulisan. Supaya aku mampu menoleh semula ke belakang, untuk melihat satu demi satu proses kematangan diri.

6. Punbegitu, ia sesuatu yang meletihkan. The whole writing process itself, I mean. Because I'm constantly writing in my head 24/7. Keluar melepak, balik melepak, dan pulang ke rumah sambil menggeledah laci memori dalam usaha mencari sesuatu untuk ditulis. Pergi bercuti, balik bercuti, dan pulang ke rumah sambil... well, I think you get the idea. Semacam wujud satu tanggungjawab untuk membina sebuah naratif hidup maha panjang, yang tak lain tak bukan, sekadar nak memuaskan serakah imaginasi, konon-kononnya untuk mengesahkan wujudiah diri.

7. I gave up. In simple words, I just don't care anymore.

8. Berbalik kepada soalan asal tadi. What's new? Not much, I guess.

9. Nak menaip pun malas sebenarnya. Don't expect too much from me, will you?

10. Akan selama-lamanya sakit hati bila teringat kes budak tahfiz yang meninggal dunia tempoh hari.

11. Romance is not dead. Wait for it.

12. It's nice seeing my old man spends most of his time doing his own things now.

13. I have every right to be paranoid. I'm doing well right now, but can't help feeling a bit uneasy every time I think about my own future.

14. You don't know me. You don't know my story. Get the fuck outta here.

15. Aku membesar dengan pengalaman yang tak mampu dilupakan. Childhood trauma, sort of. *deleted some unnecessary stuff here*. I was part of the traumatic experience. I was part of it all.

16. Like I said, albeit doing so well now, I have every right to be paranoid.

17. Sentiasa berdoa kepada Tuhan supaya aku tak perlu lalui perkara sama untuk kali kedua. Once is enough.

18. Until then.

Damansara (i)

I was in the car with a friend. Lewat tengah malam, kami baru selesai makan, dan sedang dalam perjalanan menuju ke rumah seorang lagi kawan untuk menumpang tidur. Half an hour car ride that wasn't enough, to begin with.

Beberapa jam sebelum itu, dia telefon bertanyakan lokasi. Aku beritahu aku singgah sebentar di hentian R&R Ulu Bernam, untuk tambah nilai kad Touch 'n Go, beli air dan rokok, basuh muka untuk hilangkan rasa mengantuk dsbnya.

"Dah sampai nanti, kalau ada nak lepak, call aku." Sibuk agaknya, aku fikir. Nak selesaikan itu ini pada saat-saat akhir sebelum majlis pernikahan yang akan berlangsung kurang daripada 24 jam lagi.

KL, antara tempat yang paling aku tak gemar dalam dunia. Sementara nak menunggu West Coast Expressway yang entah bila nak siap, aku masih lagi terpaksa harungi jalanraya Sitiawan - Sungkai yang maha mencabar dan melelahkan. Kalau diberi pilihan untuk memandu ke Kedah atau KL (memandangkan dua tempat ini lebih kurang sama jauh dari Sitiawan), aku lebih rela memandu ke Kedah. Selain nilai sentimental - pulang beraya setiap tahun di sana - dan faktor praktikaliti, less congested roads is one of main reasons.

Lihat ini daripada sudut perspektif aku. I'm a pekan boy. I grew up in a small town. Tempat yang kalau aku nak ke mana-mana, tiada langsung istilah trafik sesak. Dan kalau aku nak makan di luar, aku tak perlu pusing tiga empat kali untuk cari kotak parkir, malahan tak perlu parkir kereta dua tiga blok jauhnya dari restoran. Ia mungkin bukan masalah besar untuk orang yang dah biasa dengan situasi sebegitu, tetapi untuk aku? No, fuck no. Fuck traffic congestion. Fuck full parking lot. And fuck you.

Kelakar bila teringat aku pernah percaya yang aku mampu untuk harungi hubungan jarak jauh antara Sitiawan dan KL satu ketika dahulu. So fucking naive. Kalau tanya aku sekarang, sama ada sanggup atau tidak untuk berulang alik beratus-ratus kilometer on a regular basis - whether I'm married or not - to be honest, I don't think I can do it. Cinta tak cinta, jodoh tak jodoh, I'm not going to make it any further.

"Aku dah dua tiga hari tak boleh tidur. Itu nak kena setel. Ini nak kena setel. Tadi pun bukan main punya lama nak monitor diorang setup dewan untuk esok." Ada rungutan kecil yang disuarakan mengenai persiapan majlis kenduri kahwinnya sewaktu kami menyusur laju di atas jalanraya menuju ke Bukit Jalil. Keluhan yang aku tak berapa faham sebenarnya, since I haven't gone through the same situation. Thus I can't relate that much.

"Serius macam tak percaya aku nak kahwin esok." Dia tengok aku, aku tengok dia, dan kami ketawa bersama. Yeah, who would've ever thought of that? 

But I'm glad we had this conversation. Perbualan terakhir sebelum kawan aku ini bakal bertukar status keesokan harinya. We've known each other for a very long time. Antara manusia aneh yang aku hargai kewujudannya dalam hidup aku. 20 years of friendship. 20 freaking years, man. 

How's life, he asked me. Soalan yang kalau orang lain tanya, besar kemungkinan aku hanya akan jawab ringkas: good, it's all good. Tetapi ini adalah seorang kawan rapat, yang dah lalui begitu banyak perkara dengan aku, maka tiada pilihan lain selain daripada berlaku jujur.

"Barai gila babi hidup aku sekarang ni." Aku balas sambil ketawa. "Tetiap hari pening kepala fikir macam-macam hal, pasal hidup, pasal masa depan bla bla bla..."

But I'm adjusting and adapting well, I told him. The pressure is there - it's always there - but I try not to think about it that much. Let me clarify something here, adulthood is fucking no joke. Ia adalah fasa paling meresahkan dalam hidup setakat ini.

"Kau tau tak ni first time aku cuti sejak daripada kita pergi kenduri E Oktober tahun lepas. How long has it been? Enam bulan straight aku tak rehat langsung walaupun sehari."

Doing this continuously has taken its toll on me, for an obvious reason. I'm physically and mentally exhausted. I've been depressed. Aku rasa keseorangan melayan kerenah dunia yang seakan-akan tiada henti. And what's even worse is that I've developed a new habit: to never trust anyone wholeheartedly. And to never care about other people anymore. But get where I'm coming from. Those people weren't even there when I'm at my lowest. And most of them certainly will be reading this: just know that you ain't shit. You ain't nothing to me.

Do you have any plans for the future? He then asked me. I said at the moment no, not really. But I'm saving up as much as I can, just in case.

"Kalau ada benda best, kau buat je, Lep." Let's do it together, I insisted. And that's exactly where we differ. He don't believe in doing business with friends. He values friendship over money, power, and basically everything else.

Aku cakap aku faham. I used to think that way. Have you ever heard of Murphy's law? Things will go wrong in any given situation if you give them a chance. Which is why I think I should never compromise over the nature of friendship or loyalty and the overall values of doing business together.

I'm a simple man. Don't fuck with me. And my money. And we're good. I can tolerate a lot of things, believe me, a whooooole lot of things, but not those two. "Umur macam sekarang ni, aku dah tak heran sangat kalau hilang kawan. I mean, why do I want to keep shitty people in my life? I'd rather have two or three real genuine friends than a bunch of fake ones."

"Yup, quality over quantity." Dia tambah.

"But I'm afraid." Aku kata sebelum menyambung, dalam sebuah cubaan untuk mengalih hala tuju perbualan ini kepada isu diri yang lebih rapuh, "I really am afraid. You know what they say, right? The higher you get, the harder you fall."

I did really well albeit still struggling here and there. I managed to rake in so much gross income out of nothing for the past few months. You're damn right it's mind-blowing; certainly an impressive feat of effort and perseverance. Perhaps I'm climbing up way too high. I've got everything to lose right now. I'm dancing around the fact that the fall's going to hurt more. And no one, that's right, no one's going to save me.

"Aku dah banyak redha sebenarnya sekarang ni." Aku beritahu. Ia satu konsep yang aku baru kenal sejak dua menjak ini. Untuk belajar bersyukur dan melepaskan sesuatu yang bukan milik aku. Untuk belajar supaya tidak terlalu memikirkan sesuatu yang telah berlalu.

"Setiap kali aku rasa macam nak merungut atau rasa macam nak berkira hal wang ringgit dengan keluarga terutamanya, kawan-kawan atau sesiapa, aku pesan pada diri sendiri, they might not be around for long in my life. Tak semua rezeki yang aku dapat, aku punya. Mungkin ada rezeki orang lain dalam rezeki aku. Who knows?"