1. Being an adult ini aneh sifatnya. Everything is moving so fast, sampai tak sempat to look at things from a different perspective. Which is really important actually, supaya aku dapat lihat progress diri dalam skop yang lebih luas. Sometimes I feel like keberadaan seorang Raja Muhammad Aliff ini semakin hari semakin hilang ditelan masa. Sedar sedar 24 jam dah habis. Sedar sedar sebulan dah berlalu. Sedar sedar dah masuk bulan Julai. Sedar sedar....
Most of the time I don't really know where I'm heading to. Seolah-olah ada default template yang nak taknak aku harus lalui because reality isn't always on my side. Life happens as it should. I for sure couldn't keep up with it, for the most part. Yang aku boleh buat hanyalah berhenti sejenak to acknowledge certain things or events in life. And I'll be like, "I can't believe I'm RIGHT HERE at this moment." And then I have to move on. I'm not old but I don't feel young either. I'm at a weird phase of my life. Feels like I'm transtioning into something else?
I still have a little bit of wild teenage side in me, and then there's this more laid-back and calm side trying to take control of everything right now. I'm only 27 this year. In 3 more years, I'll be 30. Mehh... 27, 30, 35, 40, 60. Potato, potahto. It doesn't matter. Kalau ditakdirkan panjang umur, peralihan usia ini satu benda yang semua orang bakal/telah/sedang hadapi. It's what I do within this timeline that really matters the most. For example, it has been 10 years since I left high school. Sepatutnya 10 tahun ini lebih daripada cukup untuk gather enough skills or knowledge, kerja, dan jadi kaya-raya.
Disclaimer: bukanlah nak cakap the idea of jadi kaya-raya ini the ultimate goal in life. That's just me. Terpulanglah kepada setiap individu untuk bina hidup macam mana sekalipun.
That, sadly, didn't happen (quite yet), and if it did, sudah tentu lah aku tak buang masa menaip benda bangang ini. But I really wish they would've taught me to plan and build my teenage years properly dalam kerangka masa 10 tahun itu. Sebab ini timeline paling crucial for teenagers I believe. Timeline yang aku sendiri tak berapa sedar aku telah hadapi. It involves a lot of trial and error. Some may succeed. Some may not.
Sebab itu ada manusia yang umur 30 lebih tapi perangai mengalahkan budak remaja. Believe you me, bukan semua orang boleh cope well dengan transition menuju alam dewasa. Aku sendiri pun terkial-kial trying to figure myself/my life out. Punbegitu, adakah seorang Raja Muhammad Aliff menganggap hidup ini satu kegagalan disebabkan dia tak jadi kaya-raya gila babi? Tak juga. Thank God I'm at a comfortable phase of my life right now. Slowly but surely, they say. I just have to look back and reflect.
Life is great as of now. Idk berapa lama aku boleh bertahan, but I pray to God aku boleh sara keluarga selagi mana aku masih hidup. Like I said, tak ada apa personal target sangat yang aku kejar, kecuali untuk jaga manusia-manusia kesayangan dengan selesa. Because they're the main reason untuk aku push diri to be better. 05 Julai
2. Aku punya threshold tunggu makanan dekat restoran selalunya, kalau ramai orang, 30 minit. Kalau tak ramai orang, 15 minit. Lebih daripada itu, 99% aku tak akan pi dah. I'm actually okay with mediocre food. Tak sedap sangat pun takpe lah, cuma jangan serve lambat je. 08 Julai
3. Aku tak berapa pasti apa kepentingan Brendon Urie came out as a pansexual recently. But I still love his music though. And Sarah Smiles is still the sweetest lyrics he's ever written. 09 Julai
4. When talking about numbers and figures, most people tend to exaggerate, or in some cases, understate the amount of whatever the hell they're talking about. They rarely tell the whole truth. Hidup ini kena banyak amalkan konsep dengar boleh, percaya jangan. Kesimpulan di sini, janganlah mudah terpedaya, mkay? 11 Julai
5. Buka apps Lazada are equivalent to window shopping. Semua benda nampak macam penting, diskaun gila babi, dan patut dibeli but I ended up not putting anything on the cart. Because self-control, y'know. 12 Julai
6. I consider myself as a legit Perakian. I was born and raised here. But I don't possess the nuances of the local dialect. Not really. Not fully. Barely. Prolly because arwah Ibu was from Kedah. Dan walaupun Ayah pun legit from here, he don't speak like a true Perakian either. Just like me, the nuances isn't really there.
Orang Perak ini cakapnya berlenggok. Contoh paling mudah dan klise boleh tonton filem Zombi Kampung Pisang. Like that, but less. Cuma tidaklah over macam Usop Wilcha, yang buatkan aku sendiri rasa nak terajang dia sampai jatuh tertiarap daripada kerusi roda. Also Perak is a weird place. 30KM from my hometown, ada sesetengah kawasan di Pantai Remis dan sekitarnya dah mula guna loghat utara. Totally don't make any sense, padahal Penang/Kedah jauh lagi beratus kilometer.
Apatah lagi Taiping dan kawasan yang bersempadan dengan negeri utara khususnya, they don't use loghat Perak. I have a friend from Taiping yang tak reti guna loghat Perak langsung. Their sense of belonging lebih ke arah utara. The only logical explanation: their ancestors came from Siam or something and build a settlement there. Dan beranak-pinaklah keturunan mereka and refuse to change their dialects. Dan sama juga macam Ipoh, ada setengah tempat guna loghat utara, ada setengah tempat tak.
Which then creates this whole new sort of amalgamation of two different dialect. You'll get weird phrases like hampe (hangpa + deme), depe (deme + depa) and such. Dan yang lebih ekstrem, ada yang selamba campur loghat utara dan Perak in one go. I think it's okay. Beautiful and a bit retarded at the same time in its own way. Language should be able to adapt. Nak taknak bahasa/loghat/gaya bercakap akan evolve juga satu hari nanti. Apatah lagi melibatkan tempat yang banyak menerima kemasukan orang luar.
Macam daerah Manjung, we have a huge naval base and fabrication yard here. Segala macam orang luar duduk menetap dan bekerja di sini. We hear different kind of dialects on a daily basis. Orang dewasa mungkinlah susah nak terpengaruh. But kids on the other hand, mudah untuk terima pengaruh luar begini, bergaul di sekolah misalnya.
The only distinct features about the way I speak cuma tinggal bunyi akhiran perkataan. -ai jadi -ei (ramai jadi ramei, salai jadi salei, serai jadi serei). -as jadi -eh (panas jadi paneh, lemas jadi lemeh, kipas jadi kipeh), -a/ur jadi -or (gegar jadi gegor, berterabur jadi berterabor, besar jadi besor) etc.
And yes, although orang Bota/Parit dan Kuala Kangsar are practically the closest you'll get to hear loghat Perak in its truest sense, pun masih ada beza. They tend to dissmiss huruf I entirely. Aku pun tak pasti kenapa. Petai jadi peta, ramai jadi rama, kedai jadi keda. Sounds foreign to my ear. But it is what it is. 13 Julai
7. Idk man... dengar lagu-lagu rock kapak brings out all kind of emotions in me. Rasa macam nak bercinta 24/7, rasa hopeless, rasa patah hati out of nowhere, rasa terseksa jiwa raga, rasa macam me against the world, rasa macam I deserve happiness, rasa itu, rasa ini dsbnya. Issa powerful vibe, yang weirdly enough aku boleh relate sampai tahap macam tu sekali. I honestly don't know why. Other genres don't quite have the same effect on me. Not even close. Which is why aku jarang nak dengar lagu-lagu rock kapak. It's like voluntarily going on a suicide mission. Damaging effect awaits. 14 Julai
8. Semua orang tahu, stereotype Melayu pemalas are not entirely true. Tapi kenapa orang suka stereotype-kan sesuatu benda itu? Sebab lebih mudah untuk pukul rata. Dan lebih mudah untuk terima daripada melawan stigma. It's like accusing women of being a bad driver. Not entirely true. But it helps when we see one on the road, jadi kita boleh spare the disappointment or anger dan terus cakap, ahhh no wonder. Like I said, tak kira apa jenis stereotype sekalipun, everyone are equally lanjiao and useless. Dan macam biasa, tweet ini tak berniat nak selesaikan apa-apa. I just like to point that out. Thanks for coming to my TED talk. Havva good day. 17 Julai
9. Apa-apa kolektif seni, secara umumnya, bergerak untuk cari sense of belonging. Bunch of people who, I believe, are passionate enough about what they do to eventually trigger a collective movement. If you're trying to fit in, atau cuba nak cari lubuk niche dalam society, this is the place. If you're seeking for people's validation, this is the place. If you want to feel safe and secured in your newly found bubble, yes, this is the right place. There's nothing wrong with that. Human are vulnerable being. It's in our nature to seek comfort where we deemed fit or necessary.
Sebab itu bila kita cuit sikit kolektif ini, all hell breaks loose. They feel attacked. They will unconsciously enter into defensive mode. Semua orang nampak macam musuh. As if to tell, hey look at this one motherfucker yang kita tak berjaya validate untuk menyebelahi kita. Not surprising though, mengenangkan pernah ada dua tiga orang penulis/penerbit sendu tak puas hati ajak jumpa sebab aku kutuk buku depa.
Nevermind, that's a stupid old story.
On the surface, tak jauh beza pun kolektif sebegini dengan fandom k-pop (yes, you heard it here first). Sugarcoat it all you want, but that's basically it. That's the main idea. Untuk rasa selamat dalam kelompok yang meraikan tujuan yang sama.
Lupakan itu. Tak penting. Sebab sekarang aku nak bercerita pasal diri sendiri (like I always do). Why? Because fuck you, that's why.
I started writing in high school. 2008, I think. Typical embarrassing stuff. Not sure what prompted me to start. Weirdly enough I was under the impression yang aku ada sedikit bakat and I thought, hey this could be fun. I write because I can. And I'm pretty good at it by my own standards (debatable, of course, namun seorang Raja Muhammad Aliff sudah tentulah tidak peduli).
To tell you the truth, I wasn't looking for recognition. Wasn't looking for validation either. If you think I suck, yes you're probably right. If you think otherwise, well... thanks, I guess? If anything, I only crave for a little bit of attention. Sebab apalah guna menulis kalau tak ada audiens langsung, baik aku tulis dalam diari.
My audience has always been my close friends and a few random strangers. I hardly ever call myself a writer. That's kind of obnoxious. I mean... yes, I write but that doesn't necessarily makes me a writer. I've never written any serious work. I, at most, write about my life, family, friends, cats, basic philosophy, love life etc. I basically only write about things that are closely related to me. Perhaps to act as a time capsule untuk aku sendiri baca di kemudian hari. I absolutely have no interest whatsoever to educate anyone. Apatah lagi untuk sebarkan virtue atau tempek moraliti ke muka sesiapa. Go read something else. I clearly offer no such thing. If you gain something from me, hey good for you. If you gain nothing, how is that my problem?
Objectively speaking, I enjoy writing. Well... used to. The routine and process of creating sentences, I get to play around with words, I get to see how my scattered thoughts can be literally translated into cohesive structure. I feel satisfied. I feel great about myself. I feel like I'm squeezing out something good from this routine to further help shaping my understanding about, well... almost anything.
Then the fun part stopped. I no longer enjoy spending hours searching the best possible ways to decipher my own thoughts. I got so caught up with life, I couldn't keep up anymore. There's this nagging voices inside my head telling me - where are you going with this? - each time I tried to write. I keep on circling back to the starting line. Ia jadi proses yang tak lagi menyeronokkan. Terkesan menyesakkan.
It was last year. After 9 damn years, I think I kinda given up on how to fix things up. Jadi aku hentikan proses dokumentasi/autopsi diri ini and just get on with my life. It wasn't easy. Kerana kehilangan rutin ini semacam tinggalkan a huge void spaces in my life. Ah what the hell. At least I feel at ease now. However, I do miss the whole process of y'know... creating something out of nothing.
But mehh, I'm not going down that road again. We had a good run. Let's leave it at that, shall we? 19 julai
10. We can't possibly have anything in common kalau kau sebut milo jadi mai-lo. That's a big gap right there. 20 julai
11. Love is when I bought udang for my family to cook even when I don't eat udang. Love is when I buang tulang ikan to make it easier for my cats to eat. Love is when Sarah wants me to buy something for her and I say use your own money and she'll be like okay but I still ended up paying. Love is when I let the air-conditioner running even when I'm not in my room because my cat is still sleeping in there. Love is when one quick simple interaction with one of my favorite person in life makes me feel warm and happy. Love is when I bought 12 biji durian for my family even when I don't eat durian. Love is when I play with newborn kittens and I want to squeeze them real hard because why you're shoooo cute omaigod. 20 Julai
12. Bila jumpa apa-apa produk/barang yang aku berkenan di Instagram, aku akan suruh Sarah cari dan beli di Shopee. 99% will find similar stuff dengan harga jauh lebih murah. #Protips 25 Julai
13. Galau ini perkataan yang aku nampak orang tulis puisi selalu guna. Ugly word, is what I'm tryna say. 27 Julai
14. Tetiba teringat waktu kecik bila orang tanya buah favorite, jawab buah strawberi. Padahal tak pernah makan pun lagi waktu tu. Cuma mampu bayangkan rasa dia macam mana je sebenarnya. Sekarang bila dah besar, dah makan banyak kali, baru sedar strawberry ain't shit. Takde la sedap mana pun. I think a lot of people can relate. Kita letak the idea of something up so high, sampai kita terpedaya dan percaya that's the ultimate truth. 29 Julai
15. Setelah aku kaji secara mendalam tadi, aku rumuskan fasa dewasa hidup aku ni boleh tahan lonely. And a bit depressing. Dan aku rumuskan jugak, yang aku kena constantly berpaut pada benda-benda positif dalam hidup supaya tak semudah itu ditelan kesunyian ini.
Disclaimer: bukan lonely sebab takde awek atau sebab belum kahwin.
But more like sunyi sebab adulthood ini macam terpaksa fight a battle within self almost setiap waktu. Constant struggle untuk push diri supaya sentiasa jadi yang terbaik. It's not an easy task. Letih gila kot. Kadang menang. Kadang rasa defeated. I guess hidup ini kitarannya begitulah. Ada turun naik. Ada pasang surut. Normal stuff, I guess? Like I said, aku kena sentiasa positif. Ah what the hell. Come may what, inshaAllah, mesti boleh punya. 01 Ogos
16. Mampukah seorang Raja Muhammad Aliff tweet ini tanpa sebarang repercussion daripada Skincare Twitter™? Idk but here goes: Taking a good care of your skin is one thing. Obses kumpul dan beli barang is another. 03 Ogos
17. Can't believe I went to Penang last night semata-mata nak makan nasi kandar. 6 petang keluar rumah, 1 pagi sampai balik. 300+ KM pergi-balik cenggitu je. What an idiot. Terseksa aku nak bangun pergi kerja pagi tadi. Ain't care, tengah hari ni aku nak balik rumah dan tidur sepanjang petang. Btw, siapa cakap nasi kandar Deen Maju sedap aku akan bagi penerajang. Pelancau nasi kandar subpar pun orang beratur panjang gila babi like it's the best food in the world. I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but it's not. 05 Ogos
18. I feel happy when I see her face. People say that this is the simplest form of happiness. I beg to differ. I think this is the truest torm of happiness. I seek comfort whenever possible. Untuk sentiasa dikelilingi manusia-manusia kegemaran. Untuk tahu bahawa their existence drives me forward in life. 06 Ogos
19. Tadi kengkawan semua ucap tahniah dalam group WhatsApp dekat sorang lagi kawan. Aku legit taktau apa benda yang diorang tahniahkan sebenarnya. Adakah ini harga sebuah seclusion yang aku perlu bayar? Not knowing anything about anyone's life anymore. Such is life.
In my defense, we still talk on a daily basis in group chat. But I don't really follow my friends' lives on social media. Idk man... mungkin aku tak berapa heavily invested dengan hidup peribadi orang lain I guess? 06 Ogos
20. Dari sekolah menengah lagi aku teringin nak simpan rambut panjang. Setelah berbelas-belas tahun berlalu, baru tahun ni (or maybe last year I think) dapat merasa. At least dah cecah paras bahu. If I could sum up my whole experience into a single word it'd be: mehhh.
Memula jelah serabut dan tak selesa. Dah lelama macam okay je dah biasa. But the amount of rambut gugur on my bedroom floor though, holy shit. Is it worth the hassle? Idk. But so far okay je. I read somewhere it's normal to shed between 50 and 100 hairs a day. So.... yeah.....
Cuma kalau dah tahap excessive hairfall dan kepala aku tetiba ada bald patches, memang aku gunting pendek terus. But until then, this stupid long hair gonna stay. 14 Ogos
21. Baru lepas microwaved dan makan questionable megi goreng sejuk dalam fridge sebab malas nak keluar cari proper dinner. If I die, tell my family I love 'em so much. Dah la petang tadi makan nasi lemak bungkus beli awal pagi tadi yang I think borderline dah nak basi. Idk man.... benda-benda cenggini la yang buatkan aku rasa I'm not a well-adjusted human being. 14 Ogos
22. Jangan percaya citarasa manusia yang sebelum dia puji apa-apa musik yang dia dengar, dia akan cakap, "I normally wouldn't listen to something like this, but...." 17 Ogos
23. I'm sorry, tapi aku susah nak percaya dengan manusia yang tak basahkan dia punya toothbrush dengan air sebelum dia mula berus gigi. 23 Ogos
24. Semua orang tau hisap rokok ni membazir, tak perlu bagi alasan merapu untuk justify.
People: dah tau membazir kenapa isap jugak?
Me: I'm an idiot, that's why.
Why argue. Mengaku je. Easier that way. 26 Ogos
25. All of my close friends dah kahwin. Surprisingly, as of now, this doesn't bother me one bit. Apart from not being able to lepak with them as often as before, aku rasa macam.... okay je? Takde apa yang berubah sangat pun.
I think it was a month ago, it finally dawned on me. Since I'm not getting married anytime soon, I have to be good at not getting married. You feel me? I want to take good care of my family. Earn more money. Save up as much as I can. Buy things I wanna buy. Live life like a well-adjusted human being. Idk man, those things I've mentioned, well... basically having money at my disposal, trumps all else right now.
I mean... kalau life aku or my financial status sama je dengan kawan-kawan yang dah kahwin atau yang dah ada anak, something must be wrong somewhere, namsayin'? Tak bermakna I'm tryna compete with anyone. What for? But that's essentially the idea, or the mindset, or the direction I'm heading to.
Saya sudahi tweet ini dengan secebis doa: semoga seorang Raja Muhammad Aliff dan keluarganya sentiasa murah rezeki, gembira, panjang umur dan sihat sentiasa. Amen. 27 Ogos
26. I always say stupid shit like this to my friends, "kalau aku kaya, memang aku tak kawan dah dengan kome." It's a harmless joke. But then I started thinking to myself, maybe I went through so much hardship in the past because God tryna make me a humble person. I had an entirely diff alternate script of my life right here in my head kalau aku ditakdirkan lahir dari keluarga berada. The word humble wasn't there. I am what I am today because of what I went through. And I'm forever thankful for that.
I wouldn't call myself as an optimist. That's a bit of a stretch. But every now and then, I try to paint a positive light dalam apa jua keadaan. It's the only way to keep my sanity. Let's say I'm having a bad day. Instead of complaining and whining about it, I try to think about all the good times I had. "God has given me a month full of happiness, jadi kenapa aku tak boleh nak endure this one shitty day? Everything will be just fine."
My way of thinking changes drastically. For the better, I guess. Idk man.... mungkin inilah apa yang orang panggil kematangan. Aku sedar ini bila walaupun dalam situasi tak okay, aku cuba untuk buatkan the way I feel about the whole situation harus okay, or at least bearable, while fully knowing I'm actually in deep shit. 27 Ogos
27.You're using humor to cover up your insecurities and desperation. Nothing new. Let's move along. 29 Ogos
28. Uh, I hate to burst your bubble, tapi berkulit cerah tak semestinya buatkan seseorang itu automatik jadi lawa. No wonder yang rupa nan hado pun boleh jadi famous dekat IG because you people obses sangat dengan ilusi kulit cerah = cantik. 29 Ogos
29. I just want my #8followers to know that I am where I am today in life sebab aku ada a few people yang sentiasa support aku endlessly from behind. And I'm forever thankful for their existence. Aku bersyukur sesangat dan aku harap aku takkan take them for granted selagi mana aku masih hidup. Aku doakan semua orang panjang umur dan sihat dan yang baik-baik belaka. I get anxious tiap kali aku bayangkan each of them satu hari nanti akan takde dan tinggalkan aku sensorang dan time tu kalau aku baru nak hargai pun takde guna dah so eloklah kalau aku hargai awal-awal daripada sekarang. So yeah.... I love them all. Semoga aku akan sentiasa kerja keras dan tak akan pernah malas dan marilah berharap aku akan jadi kaya gila before I turn 30. Amen. 06 September
30. I generally don't have strong feelings for food. Jadi aku tak berapa boleh faham kenapa orang selalu equate tahap kesedapan sesuatu makanan itu dengan ability aku untuk habiskannya.
Me: *finished eating two packs of nasi lemak* tak sedap langsung
Friend: tapi makan dua bungkus?
Me: ....... sebab lapar?
You know how some people would eat again shortly after just because their previous meal was a disaster? What a maniac. I ain't got no time for that. I figured mediocre meals, specifically when I eat outside, is always going to be part of my life. So why bother. Life goes on. Even my favorite restaurant pun tak sedap tara mana. I only go there because it's quiet, makanan cepat sampai dan dekat dengan rumah.
Ok, thank you for reading this shit. 07 September
31. Perkara paling memorable hari ini: fries mekdi habis berterabur dalam kereta waktu aku buat pusingan-U on my way back home. 16 September
32. It's cute when people subliminally tryna undermine my life and lowkey tryna imply my money goes to no one else but only myself just because I'm not married. As if aku tak ada keluarga besar yang perlu ditanggung. Idk man... wanna switch places? Above all else, you yourself made a conscious decision to cough up 20-30 grand for your wedding preparation/ceremony, and now you tryna shift the guilt to other people, who have yet or not invested to experience that shit? Man... you're trippin'. What an idiot. 18 September
33. Malu dengan keluarga sendiri ini benda normal, I guess. I went through that phase when I was a teenager, predominantly during high school. Sebab dok sibuk compare parents sendiri dengan parents orang lain. Kenapa orang lain semua macam tu, dan kenapa kita tak and so on. But now, not anymore. It's just a stupid phase. But I can't speak for everyone. Sebab ada orang sampai kesudah malu dengan keluarga sendiri dan tak boleh recover dari fasa ini. The trick is to make peace with everything. With yourself, especially. Take things as it is. Try to observe/judge from a different POV/perspective. That helps a lot. Hakikat ini satu benda yang payah untuk ditelan. It's not that easy to just simply make peace with everything. It takes time. But you gotta do it man. 19 September
34. Idk man because my long hair looks great and borderline majestic, I develop a massive amount of self-confidence to not initiate the first move but to simply wait for people to ask me out on a date instead. Shampooed my hair last night and now I feel like I can conquer the whole world.
Me: *do nothing*
Enemy: Oh my God.... Your hair... So powerful.... I surrender....
Me: Heh. As you should, puny human. As you should.
Don't mind me. I'm clearly delusional. Please excuse my online behavior. 20 September
35. Perlunya untuk selalu merayau di Lazada adalah salah satu bentuk peringatan untuk diri sendiri bahawa banyak benda dalam dunia ini tidak akan pernah mampu dimiliki. 20 September