Of 30 minutes conversation

“Hang la ni umoq berapa?” She asked me. Aku jawab dua puluh lima. Kemudian ada nada terkejut dalam jawapan balas mereka, “laaa ingatkan baru dua puluh tiga.”

That’s what happened when you haven’t met them for so long. Segala-galanya terlekat pada momen setahun, atau dua, atau tiga tahun lepas.

“Sapa taktau habaq hang nak menikah tahun ni. Dah ada calon ka?” Entah siapa yang reka cerita, aku pun tak pasti. Aku cakap dak aih, lambat lagi. “Calon pun takdak lagi ni.”

Makcik aku yang seorang ini, I swear to God, she is a natural-born matchmaker. Kalau pergi ke rumah dia, ada saja perempuan/lelaki untuk dia kenenkan dengan sesiapa. Kadang-kadang, sampai naik letih nak melayan.

“Hang takmau ka ustazah…”

“Ni ada sorang duduk di apanama…”

Dia datang ke rumah dengan seorang lagi pakcik aku. I went home to have my morning cigarrette session and breakfast, hanya untuk dapati mereka berdua sedang duduk minum di dapur. Aisyah were there to entertain them. Mereka pelawa aku untuk keluar sarapan pagi bersama. Aku cakap lain kali, sebab aku tak boleh berlama-lama. Lebih kurang tiga puluh minit lagi, aku nak sambung kerja. Dalam jeda masa yang tak seberapa itu, aku ambil keputusan untuk jadi tuan rumah yang baik dan layan mereka berborak.

Nevertheless, it was great seeing them. Walaupun aku kena marah sebab dah lama tak pulang ke kampung atau jenguk saudara-mara, atau sertai apa-apa kenduri yang mereka buat. “Hang ni sampai taktau apa langsung.” Dua kali. Dua kali aku kena marah, bila aku tanya kenduri kahwin siapa pada bulan Julai nanti.

Aku cuma mampu tersengih, malas nak melawan. Apa boleh buat, my hands were tied pretty tightly. Aku tak boleh sesuka hati tinggalkan urusan kerja. Aku sendiri berharap aku ada lebih banyak masa untuk dibahagikan kepada mereka. Untuk lebih kenal isteri atau suami kepada sekian banyak sepupu aku. Untuk sentiasa ada dalam setiap urusan keluarga. But sadly, I don’t have the time.

“Tengok pakcik hang ni. Cuti dua tahun. Syok berjalan merata-rata.”

Well, good for him. He’s doing master’s degree right now in UPM. Pelepasan cuti dua tahun. Gaji jalan. Elaun jalan. Biasiswa dapat. Sounds like quite the life to me.

I’m not sure why, but they kinda get the impression that I’m filthy rich now. Mungkin sebab mereka ingat aku sibuk dengan urusan kerja dan tak ada masa untuk menikmati hidup dengan hal-hal lagha. Bitch please, datanglah ke sini dan aku boleh tunjukkan betapa lajunya duit aku keluar setiap hari. Macam aku selalu bergurau dengan mereka, “kaya harta tu takdak la. Tapi kaya dengan budi bahasa.”

But it’s true. I’m good at keeping my record clean. Tak ada cerita-cerita merapu tentang aku berlegar di sekitar mereka. Di mata mereka, aku adalah seorang yang sopan, dan tak banyak bercakap. Jarang berjumpa, jadi mereka tak tahu apa yang aku buat, dan ke mana aku pergi. It’s easier that way. “Awat hang dok kerap sangat pi Siam? Jangan dok buat benda merapu. Bahaya la ni.”

Tiga kali. Tiga kali aku kena marah. Maka aku tak jadi nak beritahu yang aku nak pergi lagi untuk tahun ini.

Sedikit sebanyak

1. Khamis aku macam tak berapa syok. Aku pun tak pasti kenapa.

2. Of all the things in this world, aku paling suka bila mak sedara aku cakap yang senyuman aku mirip arwah Ibu.

3. One lovely smile. That's all I ever needed.

4. "Lama tak nampak makcik," aku tegur. Kemudian dia beritahu suaminya baru meninggal dua hari lepas, dan sebelum-sebelum itu, dia sibuk di hospital untuk menjaga suami. Innalillah, aku balas.

5. In alternate universe, I'll be saying, "relaks makcik. Kahwin je baru. Apa susah."

6. "I'mma complete that 99 notes about you. Publish jadi buku. Lepas tu jadi kaya. Lepas tu buang you dari hidup I." Of course I was joking. Each letters and notes about S are too sappy for public reading anyway. I don't think it fits anywhere other than its original blog.

7. Now I'm stuck at 93 notes. So close, yet so far away.

8. Perjalanan dari rumah ke tempat kerja setiap pagi adalah sepanjang durasi lagu The Ghost of You oleh My Chemical Romance.

9. I'm a dull conversationalist. Sebab kadang-kadang, aku berborak bukan sebab nak berborak sangat. Tetapi untuk tukarkan perbualan itu menjadi sebuah tulisan di kemudian nanti. Such a bad habit. But do know, I'll always value each conversations with you people.

10. Tak ada idea untuk poin nombor 10. Later, losers!

Makeshift

I once read a book. A local indie book. Tak berapa ingat siapa penerbit atau penulisnya. Pada dasarnya, ia sebuah buku yang menceduk tulisan-tulisan dari dalam blog secara literal, kemudian dijilidkan sebagai sebuah buku.

Paling mengecewakan adalah kualiti suntingan yang entah apa-apa. Seolah-olah copy-paste sekali lalu, hantar ke kedai pencetakan, kemudian terus jual di kedai-kedai buku. I get it, buku ini cuba untuk mengekalkan hawa asal, atau rawness (rawness, my ass), atau apa-apa kandungan asli tanpa sebarang suntingan, atau suntingan minima.

Ia tak berhasil. Kerana ia melibatkan dua medium berbeza. Blog adalah medium interaktif, manakala buku pula sebuah medium konvensional. Feel-nya lari, dan pengalaman membaca jadi canggung. Malah tak salah untuk tuduh penulis adalah seorang yang bangang sebab membazir kertas, walhal ia boleh dibaca secara percuma dalam blog.

I’m having a hard time trying to make a shift. I’ve been forcing myself to write on Facebook for the past few weeks as an experiment. It didn’t work out so well. Seringkali yang terjadi, aku ambil tulisan-tulisan lama, kemudian aku dapati diri ini terpaksa sunting dan buang sekian banyak perkataan atau ayat.

Ia jadi tak sesuai, dan ia jadi kekok, dan ia jadi kelakar.

Social construct 101

The first rule of gurau kasar is: you do not take offence. The second rule of gurau kasar is: you do not take offence.

I’m all about bergurau kasar. I know the limit in making rude jokes or cynical remarks about someone or something, but what’s really fun is, trying to push the limit to the highest point. Where’s the line? I have no idea. Did I crossed it yet? No. So, keep on going.

Macam seorang kawan yang selalu sebut perkataan babi sebelum memulakan apa-apa cerita.

“Babi la, haritu aku…”

“Babi betul kedai aku pergi…”

Tetapi ia terkawal, tak mendatangkan mudarat, dan sekadar berlaku di antara kami. Tak ada pula dia mencarut tak tentu hala sewaktu di kedai makan, “Babi la, bagi saya teh ais satu.” No, nothing like that. Untuk telinga yang tak biasa dengar, mungkin rasa macam nak tampar muka kawan aku ini. Untuk telinga yang dah lali, macam aku, I hardly ever notice it anymore.

Berbalik kepada bergurau kasar tadi, it depends on the situation. Aku adalah manusia yang sopan bila bercakap dengan ahli keluarga, manusia asing, kawan tak berapa rapat, dan mana-mana perempuan. As a matter of fact, I know how behave well. Yes, call me a hyprocrite or what, but I don’t simply treat everyone the same. That’s just… not right.

Perempuan, walau sekasar mana dengan aku, tak pernah sekali pun aku balas dengan carutan. I wouldn’t have the heart to do so. Cuma kadang-kadang, terlepas cakap sebab aku dah geram sangat. Itupun selalunya disudahi dengan lafaz hahaha untuk kurangkan rasa canggung dalam diri.

Selalunya orang kaitkan carutan ini dengan sifat marah. Bij plis, I don’t have to get angry or be mad at something to curse. It kinda slipped out nonchalantly. Sama macam omputih selang-selikan ayat mereka dengan perkataan fuck. Seperti, “let’s get the fuck outta here.”

If anything I learned from the past, is that, never retaliate when someone’s making fun of you. Bak kata seorang kawan, just take the hit and have a good laugh at it. That’s another rules of gurau kasar. When the right time comes for a revenge, go no mercy on them.

I repeat, go no mercy on them.

I've got nothing, but my word.

I have no idea if there’s anyone out there who find my writing as somewhat good or amusing. If anything, I’m just a pseudo-writer. I’m miles behind from any other published writer who obviously accomplished more. While I only got lame ass personal writing up in my collection.

Sometimes I get cocky for no reason. Seolah-olah tulisan aku adalah benda paling bagus dalam dunia walhal nan hado. I like being cocky. I like being full of myself. I like being vain. You know, just to feel good about myself (pathetic, but still) and as a way of having a good laugh over it. No, this is not some sort of self-doubting or what. I’m only joking when I said I’m good at writing. Because clearly, I’m not.

For every letters, every notes, every anecdotes, every short stories, well… basically everything, I still think there’s a room for improvement. I always feel like it was never good enough.

I may not write well, but I just love to. This is something I genuinely enjoy doing. Writing about my life, families, friends, random people, and everything in between. Seperti pagi ini, aku ingin menulis tentang seorang pakcik yang terlelap dalam kereta sewaktu menunggu lampu isyarat bertukar hijau. Ia tak penting kepada sesiapa, but I feel like writing it down.

I still remember that one time when one of my friends thanked me. For what, I asked. For writing something about me, she replied.  I never expect anything in return, but it’s a rare occasion for me to receive such acknowledgement from anyone. It feels good, I kid you not.

I may have came off as a bit hostile with my words, or magically appear to be cool as fuck, but really, I’m not. Go ahead, tanyalah sesiapa yang pernah jumpa aku di luar sana, I’m just plain boring ordinary person. Like the rest of you people.

Aku cuma ada kehidupan sederhana, rutin-rutin kerja banal, dan di celah-celah kesempatan yang ada, aku cuba untuk mencari sedikit kegembiraan, sambil mencatatkan sesuatu tentangnya.

A simple question

“Is love a feeling or a choice?”

I read something yesterday. It was a long article written by God knows who. Explaining about commitment, marriage, and the subject of love itself.

What’s in there for me? Do I love someone solely because I don’t want to be left alone? Or because I wanted to try something new? Or because I got nothing better to do? Or because I’m so intrigued to play around?

People came up with a lot of answers. But I think the best answer was, it’s a feeling that you choose. It’s a feeling worth fighting for. It’s a feeling you keep cling onto under any circumstances.

I, as a matter of fact, know exactly what I want out of any relationship. The ability to share everything and be completely honest with that particular someone for the rest of my life. I swear to God, just that. Nothing more. I’m a man who used to be so afraid to open up to people. What if she’s not the one? Don’t I look silly telling her everything about me, my life, my past and all, when we could just as easily become strangers with memories the very next day.

But no, it doesn’t work that way. Even if things went downhill, it don’t matter. It was my decision to trust anyone with my stories. And I regret nothing.

I’m good at the chasing part. But I’m suck at sustaining one. I’m scared people will get the wrong impression that I no longer interested or care. Which I’m not, by the way. That’s why I chose to keep on chasing. Even when we’re into something at steady pace, I would still be chasing. I figured, if that what it takes to make it work, I’ll voluntarily do it.

My biggest weakness is that I can’t commit for a long period. Not longer than a month, to be honest. I got bored way too soon. At any point of knowing someone, how often do I told myself to retreat and end it all before it gets way in too deep. I feel like I’m wasting too much of my time and energy. If I can commit longer than that, just know that you are very special to me. It means I’m willing to stay. I’m willing to find even a tiniest bit to keep holding on.

When I met someone new, it was the same ride all over again. They started asking personal questions, and I feel reluctant to answer. Because I’m tired of repeating the same shit. I’m sick of the same ending each time.

Sugarcoat it all you want, but love will fade. It certainly will. Over time. Over distance. Over silly differences. Over anything, really. But it can always transcend into something else. Believe me, it can.

After all, that’s what love is all about.

Less than an hour drive (2)

"You dah makin kurus ni," aku beri komen sewaktu kami berjalan keluar dari sebuah medan selera entah apa-apa. I don't know, maybe it was just me. Or maybe because she wore a kebaya that day.

If experience had taught me anything, it's always a suicidal move to make any remarks on women's physique. Kurus, berisi, pipi pau, mata Ipoh-Manjung, atau apa-apa. I mean, let them be. Let them be. Let them be. Let them wear anything they want. Just keep everything to yourself.

Mana ada, sama jelah, S said. At that point, I shouldn't ask any further. We could've talked about something else. But I'm an idiot. So I keep on asking.

"Makan la banyak sikit. Sebab apa you kurus sangat sekarang ni?"

"I patah hati." Aku pun tak pasti S patah hati sebab apa, maka aku sekadar ketawa.

Funny, because I usually went the opposite direction. Stuffing everything down my throat to surpress my emotions.

1 + 7

1. Watched Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice last Saturday night. I got nothing to comment on the film as a whole. Apatah lagi aku menonton dalam keadaan mengantuk dan tak berminat. There goes RM16 and two and a half hours of my life that I’ll never get back.

2. Gal Gadot is bae af.

3. Redha. That’s the word.

4. The sloppiness of your tudung reminds me of Nurul Izzah.

5. Hujan turun lebat di Sitiawan. I'mma sleep all day long. Thank you, God.

6. Dalam hidup, aku cuba untuk sentiasa elakkan daripada bergaduh tentang dua perkara: wang dan perempuan. Sebab selalunya yang terjadi, bila aku terpaksa berebut dalam hal begini, nothing good ever came out of it. You’re greedy as fuck? Please, take all of it. You want her that bad, huh? Please, have it your way.

7. Mengalah tak bererti tak melawan. Because if it was meant to be, it would be.

8. Being clingy is quite okay, actually. But being territorial is not. Because fuck you, you can’t never ever own anyone, geddit?

9. Grouplove - Love Will Save Your Soul

10. O God, her smile is to die for. So cute!

11. Setiap kali tengok jarum jam tunjuk pukul 4:20, tak dapat nak tahan diri daripada sebut, “blaze it!”

12. Draft: in a car, the hype was all about, pop culture, movie scene, let’s get married.

13. A little stories to be shared. Let’s!

Hey, if we can't trust each other, who else can trust?

While we were having dinner last night, we talked about one of our former schoolmate. Dia beri lima enam keping kad kahwin kepada kawan aku dan suruh edarkan sesama kami. He’s getting married soon. And the wedding ceremony will be held in Shah Alam, I think.

He’s filthy rich now. Buka perniagaan atas talian menjual apa entahlah aku sendiri tak pasti. He’s doing it all by himself since he fired two of his friends (also my schoolmate) not long ago.

Seorang, kes songlap duit. Seorang lagi, kerap pinjam duit. One thing led to another, kedua-dua mereka ditendang keluar. Kedua-dua mereka ini aku kenal. Tetapi tak rapat, dan sekadar tahu nama. They were nerds in school. Or mat skema, if you will.

We were kinda shocked to find out they’d have done such thing. “Dekat sekolah dulu, punyalah baik. Rupa-rupanya…”

There. Right there. That’s me being judgmental. But that’s not my point of story here.

Aku dan kawan-kawan adalah apa yang dipanggil sebagai certified evil. Kami dah lakukan bermacam-macam perkara (questionable things, mostly) bersama. But we never turned our backs on each other. Kami tahu baik buruk, kenal luar dalam masing-masing. Dan paling penting, tak ada sesiapa rasa dia lagi bagus dari sesiapa. Because, what the hell, everyone sins differently.

Dan segala rahsia berlegar sekitar kami. Ia tidak pergi jauh. Walaupun aku selalu menulis tentang hidup aku and everything in between, believe me, you don’t even know the half of it.

Because I meant every word I said

Someone shared her piece of writing to me last night. The ending kinda summed everything up nicely. “… so that if I ever forget how it feels to fall for you, I can go back to the start.”

She said it’s a love letter. I told her, I dig this kind of writing. Eloquently put and beautifully written. Kinda wish I’m the one who writes it.

Sometimes I tend to push people away from me, even my own friends. And for whatever reasons, starting to despise someone’s existence in my life. And when that happens, I’ll go back to the first place: my series of writing. To remind myself, hey, it’s not all bad.

Because there’s always a bit happiness to be found in each one of you people.

1 + 6

1. Macam Pharrel Williams cakap, “Do you hear me, do you feel me? We gon’ be alright.”

2. Aku masih ingat kami mengejar masa memandu pulang dari Phuket menuju ke pintu sempadan Bukit Kayu Hitam. Kami tak berapa jelas dengan papan tanda di kiri bahu jalan, melainkan berpandukan petunjuk daripada aplikasi Waze semata-mata. It was a long and unpleasant drive. Terutamanya dari Krabi ke Trang sewaktu melalui kawasan kampung dan pekan yang sunyi.

3. Raja Muhammad Aliff thoughts on Krabi to Trang driving experience: “Kalau kereta kena tahan dengan orang jahat dekat sini, aku pasrah je kalau dia nak culik kita.”

4. We’re bunch of super-flexible people. Destinasi tak penting, asalkan ia dilakukan bersama-sama. Forget about Lombok. Let’s go to Bangkok!

5. Betapa selesanya hati ini bila seorang kawan rapat berkata sewaktu kami berborak tentang masa depan masing-masing, “Jauh atau dekat macam mana sekalipun, kalau dia jodoh kita, InsyaAllah. Kalau bukan jodoh, redha la.”

6. “Lawa kan? Lawa gila rasa macam nak menangis.” - Raja Muhammad Aliff on the subject of Perempuan Paling Cantik Dalam Dunia to his friends.

7. Feet on the gas pedal, hands on the wheel, eyes on the road!

8. S told me she met Nami at a book events she went to yesterday. I said to her, “Say hi to him. I’m a big fan!”

9. Of course I was joking. You crazy? Aku lebih rela cukur licin kedua belah kening daripada mengaku peminat Nami.

10. I fancy a lot of people in my life. But that doesn’t necessarily mean I fancy having a relationship with any of them. Boleh kira guna sebelah tangan berapa kali dalam hidup aku betul-betul jatuh hati dan berkenan dengan seseorang. Bak kata Alan Harper, “I am not cheap.”

11. One lovely smile, I mean, her smile, is more than enough to fix my hectic Sunday.

12. Ada rokok, tapi tak ada pemetik api lebih menyedihkan daripada ada pemetik api, tapi tak ada rokok.

13. Real definition of absurd: Ambil seketul perbualan tanpa sunting apa-apa, kemudian terus masukkan dalam kerangka tulisan.

14. Semoga Tuhan kurniakan kesibukan kerja sepanjang tahun supaya aku cepat kaya.

15. Just because I don’t interact much, doesn’t mean I don’t care.

Less than an hour drive

“Baru nak keluar rumah,” aku balas sewaktu S tanya aku ada di mana. Google something up, I told her, because there’s not much to do/go in Teluk Intan.

Teluk Intan, in truest sense, is literally a ghost town. I haven’t been here since 2008, I think. Because this town has a depressing vibe, rasa macam nak bunuh diri kalau berlama-lama di sini. Aku dan kawan-kawan sependapat bahawa tempat paling ideal untuk suasana hidup yang habitable di Perak adalah Ipoh dan Manjung. I’ve been to Gerik at midnight, ghost town. Kuala Kangsar, ghost town. Taiping, ghost town. Let alone Parit, Selama, Bidor and the rest.

She was with her two other friends. Seorang, aku dah pernah jumpa. Seorang lagi, tak pernah. They attended a wedding ceremony not far from Teluk Intan. And with little time to spare before they headed back home, aku luang sedikit masa untuk keluar minum bersama, memandangkan aku tak ada apa-apa urusan pada waktu petang.

It was hot. Bloody hot. The weather, I mean. Panas membahang yang buat aku rasa macam nak sodok kereta hadapan yang memandu maha perlahan. Rasa macam nak mengamuk bila teh ais yang aku pesan tak sedap langsung. Serba-serbi jadi tak kena. Rasa macam nak berendam dalam ketulan ais untuk sejukkan badan.

But fuck all else, I’ve had great company that afternoon. It was great seeing her face. And it has been a while since we met the last time. December last year, a week before her birthday.

Like I said, there’s not much to do/go here. We sat at a lousy food court, dan kemudian tangkap gambar di hadapan, dalam, tepi, sisi, belakang, sekitar Menara Condong. “Rasa macam jadi tourist dekat negeri sendiri,” aku beritahu. Sebab seumur hidup, tak pernah tercapai dek akal untuk bergambar di sini.

I had fun, nevertheless. Dan paling menggembirakan adalah perjalanan pulang ke rumah yang sungguh selesa. Lou Reed’s A Walk on the Wild Side was playing through the stereo. Kenderaan tak banyak. Aliran trafik lancar. Ada pemandangan sawah padi di kiri kanan bahu jalanraya. Ada pemandangan mentari terbenam di ufuk barat.

Exquisite, I tell you.

Distance? What distance?

"I'm not sure why, but I need to be heard right now," She's ten thousand kilometers away from me, but I don't care. All I need is someone to listen to me. She was in the middle of breakfast. Dan aku pula sedang minum petang. It's not the distance or the time difference that matters. Above all else, it's the willingness to be there for one another.

"Kau complicated macam perempuan," Nad balas. Okay, that was a cheap shot. Great, kick a man when he's down. But I know she was joking. Dan dia bukanlah orang pertama yang pernah berkata begitu kepada aku. Dan dia mula menaip berjela-jela. Tentang itu. Tentang ini. Nasihat itu. Nasihat ini. 

"Apahal perempuan boleh tau semua ni..." Walhal aku belum pun mula bercerita secara serius. Dan teks balas yang aku dapat? Lafaz haha yang sungguh panjang.

Things ended too quickly with Perempuan Paling Cantik Dalam Dunia, I told her. "I swear to God, she's the most beautiful girl I've ever known my entire life."

"Luck is never on my side. Time is never on my side." It kills me a little inside upon seeing other people had it too easy. Sedangkan aku pula terpaksa berhempas-pulas untuk bina dan sustain sesebuah hubungan. Feels like the universe is playing some sort of cruel trick on me.

"Takde istilah luck. Semua benda pun kena usaha. Tak payah menyesal." There's plenty of fish in the sea, she added. "Banyak lagi yang kau tak jumpa. Use your lovely notes. Your sweet words. Macam biasa."

No way. I'm sorry. I mean, no way in hell. I'm not going to do the same shit twice. I'm not going to woo anyone anymore with my writing. Because it's fucking heading the same way as last time. Believe me, there's just no point in trying.

She has finally finished her dissertation, dan lagi dua minggu akan pulang ke Malaysia. "Yeay, please come back in one piece. Ajak F sekali, set a date, jom kita pergi jalan-jalan."

"Bawak pergi trip Penang, please. Nak naik kereta keluarga." Okay, that was another cheap shot. Kerana termasuk yang ini, dah tiga kali dia ketawakan kereta aku.

1 + 5

1. No, I’m not going anywhere. Apa-apapun, aku sedang hadapi hidup ini berbekalkan sebuah senyuman dan hati yang terbuka. Dan tak lupa, pedang imaginasi untuk lawan err… entahlah.

2. Lesser and lesser things to write here, but my direction in life is getting clearer. So I got that goin’ for me, which is nice.

3. You people can talk to me about anything. Dari perkara serius sehinggalah perkara tidak serius, I’m on it. My ability to switch randomly from one topic to another real quick? Unbeatable.

4. (berhenti lama di poin nombor empat sebab leka baca artikel panjang entah apa-apa tentang Kesultanan Perak.)

5. (berhenti lama di poin nombor lima sebab leka tengok video snooker di YouTube.)

6. Kawan ajak lepak minum petang. Aku balas, “Okay, jom.”

7. Later!

8. Terpaksa edit dan singkatkan poin nombor 7. Pheww words can be wrongly interpreted.

9. Lagi satu, tulisan ini sepatutnya tak disiarkan di sini. But ahh fuck it, you people will still be reading it anyway.

10. Okay, last, I really am good with words. I’mma bend my reality and skewed it my way. You’ll never fin…

11. Tak sampai hati nak habiskan ayat poin 10.

12. Anyway, later!

Pull me out of this misery

I’m not mad, or disappointed, at anybody. If anything, I’m mad at myself right now.

I went through a heartbreak phases last year with ease. I was too emotionally attached to S but I’m glad when things had ended. Although I can’t help but wonder what could have been if I held on a little longer. But no, that ship has long sailed.

Then I met someone else. I don’t how I got this one. Like everyone else in my life, she came by surprise. When I wasn’t ready. And my mistake was? To write about her way too soon. But tell me, how can I not? I swear to God, she’s by far the most beautiful girl I’ve known my entire life. Everything about her is perfect. No one, I mean, no one can beat her exquisite facial expressions. Her Perak accent is on point. Her smile melts my heart away. I’ve told you before, she’s perfect in every way.

But things didn’t work out. It did not end badly. It just didn’t work out. And I told myself to stop writing anything about her. Believe me, it was hard.

Now I’m left not knowing what to do. All of a sudden, I can’t be trusted being alone. I need constant check-up from my loved ones. I need a regular conversation to ease my mind off things. But who would have the time to entertain me? Who would have the time to always reply to my text messages. I’m telling you this, no, I’m not okay. It’s like fighting a losing battle. And I’m starting to lose grip.

I stayed away from any social media sites for a week already. Not sure why, but right now I can’t stand seeing other people’s happiness or their cheerful photos or their interaction with one another on my newsfeed. Opened up my Instagram just to upload photos on my account, and Facebook to share my old writings, and Twitter to write anecdotes no one cares to read, and to reply DM from S. Just that, nothing else. No scrolling down for other people’s updates whatsoever.

This kind of things didn’t bother me that much before, so I have no idea why it does this time. Why so bitter, dear Self? I feel like I’m no longer in control of my life. Everything I had planned in my head went down the drain. For all I care, I’m not a coward. I’m brave enough to acknowledge my problems and face it like an adult. But believe me, it’s hard. It’s so fucking hard.

There’s a part of me that want to hurt everyone with my words real bad. And the reason behind it? Just to make me feel good about myself. So… pathetic.

Please don’t go down that road ever again, dear Self. Don’t go down that road, will you?

Of being understanding

Spending almost every night with the same faces got me thinking about this. I’m all about being a good friend. No, for real, I really am a good one.

Even when I don’t feel like going out, or when I’m tired as fuck, tetapi bila mereka muncul depan pintu rumah, untuk berborak panjang di bangku luar, atau untuk ajak keluar makan, atau untuk lepak minum, atau untuk teman kemana-mana, I’m always there. Tak ada rasa nak mengamuk, atau tarik muka, atau beri alasan tak munasabah, atau apa-apa.

Because they’re bunch of understanding people. Manusia yang sanggup tunggu aku habis kerja untuk pastikan aku sentiasa ada dalam setiap aktiviti yang kami lakukan bersama. Manusia yang sanggup tangguh dan tunda tarikh bercuti semata-mata untuk pastikan aku tidak ketinggalan. I couldn’t thank them enough for that.

I told them, I need a relationship that resembles a lot like our friendship. Tak banyak kerenah, tak ada dendam, tak ambil hati, tak ada mengungkit hal lepas, sanggup melayan idea-idea gila aku, selesa untuk bercakap dan bergurau tentang apa sahaja. And most important, they never judge me, despite knowing almost everything about me.

Maybe I’m not afraid of commitment. Because given the right people, I can actually commit pretty well.

Laat week, I met R at Amir’s wedding. I haven’t seen him for five months. Dia berhenti kerja di sini tahun lepas, and went back to KL for good. Namun sebaik sahaja kami bersalaman, I can pick up straight from right where we left. Boleh terus berborak seperti biasa. Boleh bergurau seperti baru lepas berjumpa semalam.

No awkward encounter, or huge visible gap between us whatsoever.

1 + 4

1. Been writing too much mental notes in my head this morning, now I’m left with nothing. Semuanya hilang ditelan kesibukan kerja.

2. I can’t let destiny decide everything for me. For all I care, destiny is a lousy life narrator. Fucking useless.

3. Pick a suitable date and find a decent hotel, we told him. He’s in KL, while the rest of us are here in Sitiawan. It’s only logical to let him handle those things since he’s much closer to the city centre, and we’ll be meeting there eventually. See, making plans is not that hard. We have total faith in him.

4. I’m all about let’s go have an adventure!

5. No, scratch that, let’s go fucking mental!

6. “You said you’ve moved on, but you look for them in everyone new. Without you noticing it.” Copied this randomly from Twitter last night and sent it to my friends. Bloody fucker, semua orang tak nak layan aku nak bersembang.

7. On point number 6, no, not me though. I don’t do the same shit, or or the same routine, or use the same template on anyone twice. Bitch please, I’m way better than that.

8. She’s one of the most beautiful girl I’ve ever known, and she said she look selekeh in our photos together. What….

9. The subject of F came up last night while mentioning my former classmate on Twitter. I told her I haven’t been in touch with F for God knows how long already. She said F has been busy with her business. What business? Beats the hell outta me.

10. Come to think of it, aku cuma akan ada gambar bersama dengan perempuan yang pernah aku kenal, when things has finally ended. Always the same. Never during. I honestly don’t know why.

11. “I’m in despair,” I told them. Seminit, gembira. Seminit kemudian, tak gembira. Fucking hell. Get your shit together, dear Self.

12. Terfikir untuk buat dua kerja dalam masa sehari, semata-mata untuk sibukkan diri daripada memikirkan hal-hal tak penting. Because right now, Life has got nothing to offer for me. Might as well drown myself in a buttload of work.

13. Aku tak faham bila seorang kawan pernah beritahu, he’s losing grip in life. Sekarang baru aku faham apa perasaannya. Because right now I know exactly what it takes to be in control of my life, but I just… can’t.

14. I often thought to myself, why am I being nice to people? Where’s the old me?

15. Let’s go home and write sad notes.

1 + 3

1. “You need to burn down the bridge that leads to her.”

2. The bridge is still there. Tapi sekarang aku dah tak lalu jambatan, aku naik feri… pergi tempat lain.

3. Talk about perfect metaphor, huh?

4. No, I don’t do stalking that much. Sebab ada kebarangkalian yang tinggi untuk aku tertekan butang yang salah setiap kali melakukan kerja bangang ini. Fuck me, I’m a noob stalker.

5. If anything, I’m not the kind who try to impress people with my words. See, that’s the difference between you and me. By the way, I don’t even have to try, because I know I’m just that good.

6. I think I dwell too much in my own obsession. It’s… unhealthy.

7. I don’t talk much in real life. Cuma dengan sesetengah manusia, atau bila dah selesa dengan seseorang, aku akan tak berhenti-henti bercakap. And I seem to be typing way too much whenever I’m having an online conversation. Mujur semua orang yang rapat dengan diri ini faham perangai aku.

8. Above all else, her cuteness is to die for. For a second there, buatkan aku rasa, “ahh, let’s just get married.”

9. Peremp… nope.

10. “Comparison is the thief of joy.” Words to live by, my friend. Words to live by.

11. I should stop sticking my nose up in anyone’s business. Aku tak patut hiraukan tentang manusia lain dan buat hal aku sendiri.

12. Get your shit together, dear Self.

1 + 2

1. Ada lagi beberapa hari untuk buat keputusan sama ada rancangan bercuti pada bulan Mei akan jadi kenyataan ataupun tidak. If not, I’ll be RM1000 richer by then.

2. Like I said, I’m not a heavy sleeper. Aku lebih pentingkan rehat panjang daripada tidur panjang. You know, bermalas-malasan di rumah, tonton video-video YouTube and stuff.

3. Sempena World Poetry Day, maka aku kongsikan spoken word poetry dari Kendrick Lamar.

4. “I remember you was conflicted

Misusing your influence

Sometimes I did the same

Abusing my power full of resentment

Resentment that turned into a deep depression.”

5. No, I don’t do cakap berlapik atau berkias shit. Kalau aku mahu sesuatu atau ada sesuatu yang mengganggu fikiran aku, I’ll fucking tell straight to your face, and talk it out like an adult. Sebab hidup ini terlalu singkat untuk dibazirkan dengan bermain teka-teki dan selalu bersyak-wasangka.

6. On point number 5, bak kata seorang kawan, “Pussy, takdak teloq ka apa?”

7. Menurut satu kajian tak bertauliah yang aku jumpa di Twitter, I’m suffering a decrease in well-being. Well how about that, huh?

8. Maaflah, selain daripada kisah cinta tragik, I have nothing else left to offer.

9. I know how to differentiate a good music from a bad one. Macam menonton perlawanan El Clásico, yes, enjoyable. Tetapi sekali-sekala, aku juga ingin keluar memandu pada waktu petang, and watch Sunday league match at the local stadium. Teruk? Ya, memang teruk. Dan sama juga macam musik, but what’s the point in arguing?

10. Untuk sesiapa yang membaca ini, kalau rasa macam nak gembirakan hati aku secara tiba-tiba, hadiahkan buku Sarah Kay berjudul No Matter the Wreckage. I’ll be forever in your debt.

1 + 1

1. I’m dead serious when I say I can’t write for shit. Antara sebab utama kenapa aku cuba untuk menulis nota di Facebook. A very strange place to begin with, but ahh, the hell with it.

2. Mereka macam tak percaya bila aku pesan limau ais, teh ais, dan segelas air kosong sekaligus sewaktu makan bersama semalam. I think that’s… normal?

3. Above all else, pasanglah lagu Anuar Zain sewaktu memandu.

4. 6PM, and it was so beautiful. Sewaktu perjalanan pulang ke rumah yang tidak tergesa-gesa. I was doing 90km/h on the road. Kenderaan tak banyak. Aliran trafik lancar. Ada pemandangan sawah padi di kiri kanan jalanraya. Ada matahari terbenam di ufuk barat. Blissful, I tell you.

5. Ciok of the day!

6. “Muslim, mufat.” Kalau mampu decipher dan buat inside jokes begini, gimme your phone number, I’ll add you up on Borakian WhatsApp group.

7. If you see me as someone who always write something good about other people, just know that I’m more than capable of doing the opposite.

8. “Macam jadi tourist dekat negeri sendiri.” - perbualan dengan kawan-kawan sewaktu makan malam.

9. “Listen, there’s something I want to…”

10. Faktab! adalah perkataan kegemaran aku untuk minggu ini.

Back and forth, back and forth.

Feels like I haven't been getting enough rest for the past few weeks. Hari bekerja yang penuh dengan rutin. Hari minggu yang penuh dengan aktiviti. Meeting people. Weddings. Going places. Lepak session. Long drive. Spending money like a maniac bla bla bla.

I woke up at six this morning. And contemplated whether or not to go to work early. Tak mengantuk sangat sebenarnya, but I don't feel like doing anything, and I just want to take a day off work. But meh, sadly I can't.

Last Saturday night, I was out with friends. You know, the usual. Curry mee session at our favorite place. On our way back home, we agreed on one thing. That we should take a break from this ritual.

Sunday afternoon, I was out with S and her friends. Dia menghadiri kenduri kahwin seorang kawan di... entahlah, aku dah lupa. Not that far from my place anyway. If I hit the gas pedal at constant speed of 120km/h, it would only take around 45 minutes or less to get there. We did nothing much. Just plain lepak session yada yada yada and I found myself driving back home at 6PM.

Called up one of my friends, "Kome lepak dekat mana?" He said, the usual place. Maka aku cakap, tunggu, aku on the way ni.

Later that night, I was out again. Played snooker for an hour, and had dinner at 11PM. Last thing I know, I went to bed at 1AM.

Now fuck all else, I need a really really good rest today.

Of morning conversation

I told her, maybe I'm the problem in any of my past relationship with people. "First, it was you. Then, it was her. And I can't cope well with the fact that my friends is getting married one after another."

It's true. Everything is changing rapidly. People come and go. People come and go. People come and go. I kinda get the feeling that everyone is leaving. Anyone, even remotely related, ends up slipping away from me. 

But she thought otherwise. She said I wasn't the problem and told me to not put the blame on myself. "Maybe things didn't work out because the timing wasn't right."

"I'mma take a break," I added. "From new people. From trying. Lantak la lonely ke tak."

"You're lonely, and I'm lonely, but together, we're lonely together." That's what Leela said to Fry in Futurama S02E08. Well, I taught her that, and now she's using it against me. Damnit.

11:06AM Friday 18 March 2016

Letih melawan Dunia

I had breakfast with my friend this morning. Dia ponteng kerja sebab… entahlah, aku sendiri tak pasti. Maka aku luangkan sedikit masa untuk duduk minum, makan, hisap rokok, dan berborak.

He’s my best friend. Dia adalah manusia yang aku jarang nak berahsia dalam apa-apa perkara. Berapa banyak aku dapat setiap bulan, berapa banyak duit aku habis untuk komitmen hidup, dengan perempuan mana aku sedang berkawan, apa hala tuju hidup aku selepas ini dsbnya.

“I need to have at least 50k by the end of this year,” aku beritahu. I told him that I’m reconstructing and readjusting my financial management. Ever since I got back from Pattaya last year, semua benda jadi tunggang-langgang. Aku langgar habis segala aturan hidup yang aku cipta selama ini. Simply because I fell in love.

You see, I’m coping well with the heartache. But at what cost? I’m slowly losing interest to write, I’m having a night out endlessly, I spent my money like a maniac, I ventured out to meet new people just for the sake to fill the huge empty void in my heart.

Do I regret falling in love? Absolutely not. It was one of the best time in my life and I enjoyed every second of it. But to go through the same thing over again at this very moment? Thanks, but no thanks.

“Kita balik bercuti dari Lombok bulan Mei nanti, no more playing around. No more monkey business. Aku nak kerja elok-elok, kumpul duit, beli rumah, tolong family. Malas nak pening kepala. Aku dah letih sangat-sangat nak kenal dan berkawan dengan sesiapa. Masa habis, tenaga habis, semua habis. Sure, it’s nice to have someone to talk to, but I’m not ready for another commitment, and another heartbreak. Manusia yang ada dalam hidup aku sekarang ni pun dah cukup sebenarnya.”

Kontrak kerja dia bakal tamat hujung bulan ini. Sama macam aku, dia juga sedang bergelut menyusun kewangan kendiri untuk bertahan sebelum dapat kerja baru. Then he told me about this new girl he’d been seeing. Aku kenal perempuan yang dia maksudkan. Untuk membuktikan yang dunia ini tidaklah sebesar mana.

Sesi berborak kemudian pantas bertukar menjadi sesi bergosip. We always have something to talk about. About our job. About settling down. About having a road trip. About anything.

As cliche as it may sound, yes, I need to get serious with my life.

The real truth, but with hidden agenda.

1. I don't know why I'm so bitter today. Rasa nak terajang semua benda. Rasa nak pasang lagu kuat-kuat. Rasa nak campak parang ke muka orang. Rasa nak pandu kereta laju-laju. Rasa nak baling batu pada anjing yang sedang tidur bawah pokok.

2. But I didn't do any of it. Even when I had the shittiest day, I never, not even once, took my anger out on anyone. I have a great sense of self-control. And yes, I'm holding up pretty well.

3. I need to learn to let go of everything that's holding me back. Well first, let's start with you. Yes... you.

4. I really can't wait for my next trip on May. Let's go fucking mental!

5. I waited for her at the restaurant, and ordered teh ais. Bila sampai di atas meja, aku ambil hirupan pertama, rasa ceroi dan tak sedap. Macam minum susu pekat ais. Ten minutes later, she came and ordered the same. Aku cuit bahunya dan geleng kepala sebagai tanda jangan. “Eh, tukar tukar. Bagi saya teh o ais.” You see, I need someone who trusted my judgment. Even in the littlest things.

6. I rarely write nowadays. It just doesn't excite me. Which is why I'm constantly shifting interests. Jumping from one thing to another in a split second.

7. Chase her all you want, I don't give a shit. I have a different agenda.

8. "I think I'm in love with my Instagram photos," I told S. "You're a real narcissist," she replied. "Awww, you know me too well."

9. Sekali-sekala, tak salah untuk duduk sebentar di depan komputer dan dengar lagu Anuar Zain. Keabadian Cinta, misalnya.

10. Everything. I mean, everything about her is perfect. Her stoic expression is priceless. Her smile is to die for. Her eyes is always glowing. Her giggle is the only thing I want to hear all day long.

Tuesday craziness

1. Spamming my Insta with lotsa photos just because I can. Lost 10 followers, but mehhh, who give a shit?

2. You do your experiment, I do mine.

3.

4. Di kalangan kawan-kawan, Amir adalah terakhir yang aku kenal. And that was 10 years ago. Kawan-kawan yang lain, kebanyakannya aku kenal dari awal darjah satu sehingga awal sekolah menengah.

5. We don’t have to communicate verbally to know what’s going on inside each others’ mind. Masing-masing dah faham body language sesama kami.

6. I’m sorry that your life sucks.

7. We are close with each other. Way too close, actually. If you people want to dig my secrets from them, go ahead, they won’t tell you a thing.

8. If you came into my life, and then left, and think that I can’t survive without you, well you’re deadly wrong.

9. Of friendship and everything in between.

10. My love life may be tragic as hell. But other things in life, I’m doing pretty well. You people think I can’t handle loneliness? Bitch please, I’m not like you.

11. I’m feeling evil. I don’t know why. Rasa nak terajang pintu dan pandu kereta laju-laju.

Tuesday and everything in between

1. I waited for her at the restaurant, and ordered teh ais. Ceroi dan tak sedap. Rasa macam minum susu pekat ais. Ten minutes later, she came and ordered the same. Aku cuit bahunya dan geleng kepala sebagai tanda jangan. “Eh, tukar tukar. Bagi saya teh o ais.” You see, I need someone who trusted my judgment. Even in the littlest things.

2. When your friend has a better shot at your crush, be a bigger man and give way to him. That’s the only logical thing to do.

3. She’ll be gone. I can almost feel it. How sad.

4. It don’t matter what kind of relationship I’m in. A close or long distance, platonic, or whatever, if you’re willing to do it together with me, I’m fucking staying.

5. Tetapi itulah, it takes two to tango. Selalunya orang tak mahu buat benda yang perlukan pengorbanan. Kalau hanya aku seorang yang sanggup, maka bak kata orang Perak, “Ate, mane maunye yob.”

6. Hey Loneliness, long time no see!

Perempuan Paling Cantik Dalam Dunia

Habis kerja tengah hari, dan aku dapati petang aku lapang dengan tiada apa-apa urusan lain. I texted her, “Jom. Let’s go have a drink. Bukan sekarang la tapi. Petang kejap lagi.”

5PM, and I found myself waiting in front of her house. Aku ingat nak keluar kereta dan cucuh sebatang rokok sementara menunggu, tetapi mengenangkan cuaca sebegini, aku batalkan niat. Bloody hell, it was scorching hot outside.

“Sorryyyy,” she greeted me with a smile. A lovely smile. Dia duduk, letak beg tangan di tempat letak kaki, kemudian buka cermin di bahagian atas kerusi penumpang untuk betulkan tudung. Dalam hati aku rasa macam nak bagitahu, it don’t matter. Tudung senget, atau tudung terkelepet, atau tudung cincai sekalipun, I still fancy you the same.

“Kita nak minum dekat mana?” Being an idiot, so I replied, “Dekat mulut.”

I laughed. She didn’t. My mistake, though. One lame joke, goddamnit, dan aku tak ada pilihan lain selain daripada terpaksa bersetuju dengan tempat minum yang dia mahu pergi. How… evil.

I ordered a lemonade. Dan dia pesan milo ais. Aku cakap, “budak-budak je minum milo ni, you tau.” Dia cebik bibir tanda tak setuju.

It was nice. We talked and talked and talked. About my boring daily routine. About her cats. About my plan to go to Lombok on May. Wedding. YouTube videos. Shoes. Her diet plan. Raya Aidilfitri. Childhood memories etc. We jumped from one topic to another with ease.

I looked at her beautiful face, and I whispered in my heart, “Please stay. Don’t you ever give up on me like the rest.”

Because I’m tired of people leaving. And I’m tired of starting all over again. I don’t ask for much in life, but I really hope this ends well.

Another day, another you.

1. Monday without Perempuan Paling Cantik Dalam Dunia. O God, how sad.

2. Habis makan, maka aku berjalan keluar dari dewan untuk hisap rokok, dan terserempak dengan seorang makcik. Aku angkat tangan dan senyum sebagai tanda kenal dan hormat, sebelum dia tahan aku sebentar untuk tanya, “Aliff bila nak kahwin?”

3. I really don’t have answer to that question.

4. You see, aku keluar melepak dengan kawan-kawan hampir setiap malam. And I’ll be back home before midnight. Or slightly after midnight. Cuma kadang-kadang (atau jarang sebenarnya?) aku keluar dengan kawan perempuan, atau kawan kepada kawan perempuan, atau potential bae, atau perempuan baru kenal.

5. When she said, “kau ni mesti banyak skandal dengan perempuan.” I feel a bit insulted. Say anything you want about me, but I don’t and will never do such thing.

6. Tak banyak yang berlaku dalam hidup aku kebelakangan ini, hence I rarely write anything nowadays. Less drama, less headache, less heartache, less everything.

7. Aku suka pegang anak kucing. And I love seeing them playing around. They’re the cutest little thing in the world.

8. Well, fuck you.

9. I need a good rest.

10. A really good rest.

Solemni--what?

1. I went to Amir's solemnization last Friday. Dan kenduri belah perempuan pada hari Sabtu. Dan kenduri belah lelaki pada hari Ahad. Hujung minggu yang melelahkan. Pheww...

2. I've known him since I was 15 years old. 10 years of friendship. What else is there to prove?

3. "Maybe marriage itself worth all the hassle and obstacle. Kot." I told S.

4. "Alep, bila nak kahwin?" How funny. Because I asked her the same question two weeks ago. "I don't know." Then she talked about long distance relationship. And said something about it that made me laugh so hard. I said to her, "Yes. I've been in that position before. Tapi apa boleh buat. Redha la, redha."

5. Sesi tangkap gambar beramai-ramai bersama manusia kegemaran.

6. I'm tired as fuck. And tomorrow's Monday. Well... let's get back to reality, shall we?

The grass is always greener on the other side

Sometimes, I stumbled upon a screenshot of old conversations or set of photos or series of writing about people who I used to care. Things that once made me feel alive. I never delete those stuff. Because it didn’t bother me that much. And it’s there sitting quietly in my archive. 

To be honest, I can’t even keep up with what’s happening right now. I just can’t believe how fast the time and changes went by. Everything seems to be contradicting itself. Things from the past just don’t make sense any longer. Words from yesterday differ greatly from today. Promises made yesterday feels like one of the greatest lies ever told in human history.

I mean, that’s the purposes of me writing. To capture every single thing in the form of words. To see what conceivably could have gone wrong in the past for my future reference. For me to dissect everything. For me to not make the same mistakes again and again. As I have mentioned repeatedly before, that’s why I’m always careful with my words. And my actions too. If you told me to stay, I’m fucking staying until the very end. No turning back bullshit whatsoever. Unless, of course, if you don’t need me anymore, please be a dear for once and show me the closest exit.

And I sometimes wonder about the road not taken. When things ended in a good term, I can’t help but wonder, about the other option. There’s a complete opposite course of action, or perhaps, a different timeline to it. I mean, the harsh, bad, and ugly one. What could possibly be happening over there?

The answer is I don’t know. And I don’t want to know. I’m really glad things turned out alright. Because most of the time, it didn’t. Believe me, the harsh, bad, and ugly one, are always the hardest to deal with. And no, I’m not going down that road ever again.

Maybe I’m too comfortable of having things always set to go my way, and when it didn’t, I found myself not knowing what to do next, and being left guessing, stumbling and whatnot. All the small talks, the littlest things, emotional support, and everything in between, poof– gone. Just like that.

It still amazes me though. When I read my old writing from five years ago up until this moment, everything feels just like yesterday. When I revisited those moments, I’m practically there. I used to recite a poem. Yes, I know, cheesy as hell, but nevertheless. I used to write a letter. Series of love notes. Movies. Flowers. Driving back and forth. Sitting by the lake. Running together. Curry mee. Books. Hipster cafe(s). Lousy dinner. Conversation about death, love, hell, pain. Like I said, all the memories are there. It’s not moving. It’s not going anywhere. And it’s always there.

It’s not exactly pain or resentment or hate or disappointment that I felt throughout the whole grieving process. No, no, I’m way past that already. But it’s rather a collection of fond memories of what could be best describe as something that I’ll always treasure for my entire life.

2:58PM Sunday 06 March 2016

Perbualan dan perempuan gila (2)

“You’re such a wuss,” diikuti dengan hilai tawa bila aku cerita tentang apa yang terjadi pada awal perkenalan.

“Please. Tell me something I don’t know,” aku balas.

Come to think of it, no, it wasn’t me who made the first move. It was her. I mean, Perempuan Paling Cantik Dalam Dunia. And yes, the first smile was from me. But the first word was from her.

“So, I’m winning?” Aku berseloroh.

“Hello, menang apanya. Get over yourself. You’re lucky she made the first move.”

And yet people still wouldn’t believe me when I told them I’m always nervous around strangers. Is it wrong? Is it right? Is it worth it? I have no idea. Too much going on inside my head and I ended up being overwhelmed by my own clouded judgement and poor reasoning.

Thus, always being a pussy for not making any bold move.

8 guns

1. People often say that you’ll start to lose so many friends in your mid-20s. Sebab bila semakin menginjak dewasa, dan masing-masing mula mendirikan rumah tangga, masa menjadi terhad untuk dibahagikan kepada manusia selain keluarga. Well, that’s prolly because you people have sucky friends. And I don’t. I figured nothing has changed really. I still get to have lunch or dinner or just plain lepak session with them. Maybe not as frequent as before, but they’re there. Whenever I need them.

2. Now, where’s my vaporizer device?

3. Ada kemungkinan untuk berjumpa dengan ramai kenalan sekolah menengah pada majlis kenduri kahwin hujung minggu ini. I’m not really looking forward to that. Sebab aku cuma mahu pergi makan, berhuha-huha, tangkap gambar beramai-ramai, dan kacau pengantin.

4. Sepertinya Raja Muhammad Aliff telah kalah teruk dengan kecantikan seorang perempuan.

5. Aku tak ingat bila kali terakhir aku bersarapan pagi di Hollywood. If you people are up for an impromptu big breakfast session, do tell.

6. My whole life works in metaphor.

7. I don’t know, maybe it’s just me. Tetapi kalau aku ada sedikit pesan untuk diberitahu kepada sesiapa pun dalam dunia ini, don’t ever break your promises or play with a women’s heart. Just don’t.

8. Okay, back to work.

10 guns

1. Played snooker 7 nights straight in a row. Livin’ the life!

2. Atau lifeless, sebenarnya?

3. Hidup bujang, maka duit aku selalunya digunakan untuk bayar ansuran bulanan kereta, bil-bil rumah, servis kereta, main snooker, boling, makan malam, rokok, minyak kereta, minum petang, dan hal-hal kecil yang lain.

4. Above all else, untuk cuba berhenti menulis tentang manusia lain. It has to stop. But yes, I still write for you people to read. Because, what the hell, though highly unrelated, I’m the nicest being you’ll ever meet.

5. Obsession is never a cool thing. Writing creates attachment. Name or initial letter creates pressure. When thing goes downhill, I’m left with tons of unnecessary baggage.

5. Isnin yang penuh ragu-ragu & Perempuan Paling Cantik Dalam Dunia.

6. Back to square one. Back to square one. Back to square one.

7. Selepas terhempas atas lantai tempoh hari, telefon aku akhirnya kembali berfungsi dengan sempurna semula.

8. Tak pakai mekap pun lawa, oh dear, I’m seriously way in too deep. One time, aku tengok bibir dia merah semacam, jadi aku tanya, “pakai lipstick ke?” Dan sambil tunjuk gigi, dia balas, “tak la, makan asam tadi.”

9. I could totally see myself living with that cuteness for the rest of my life.

10. Tapi itulah, apa nak buat.

Perbualan dan perempuan gila

“If that’s the case, stop. Just stop writing about other people. Dah berapa kali dah, you keep on obsessing. Kau sendiri cakap, it’s not going anywhere. Dah tu, apa point cuba benda yang macam ni kalau ending sama. Baru lagi ni, just stop.”

“But things are going well?”

“Haa, tipu la diri sendiri if it makes you feel any better. Your writing are hurting a lot of people. And don’t you dare argue with me on this. Aku cekik kau sampai mati nanti.”

“Goddamnit. Help me?”

I'm crawling back to bed

1. ♪ Hey kau

Selalu memandangku

Selalu mengejarku ♪

2. Goddamnit, lagu pop celaka ini dah melekat dalam kepala aku sepanjang hari.

3. Selaku seorang manusia yang banyak habiskan masa menonton video di laman YouTube, tidak dapat tidak, pasti akan selalu tersesat ke daerah gelap YouTube, yakni tempat di mana video-video aneh dan entah apa-apa terhimpun. Malam semalam aku bazirkan tiga minit dalam hidup aku menonton video seorang manusia mengupas buah betik. Kupas buah betik, for fuck's sake.

4. "Dah bayor ke belum?" Loghat Perak yang keluar dari mulut seorang perempuan yang duduk di sebelah aku.

5. Kadang-kadang, aku renung wajah Ayah dan aku rasa hiba. Entah berapa banyak pengorbanan, duit, tenaga, dan masa lelaki ini habis begitu sahaja untuk membesarkan kami adik-beradik, sediakan makanan atas meja, tempat tinggal, keperluan asas dan segala macam kemahuan. Teringat sebuah perbualan dengan seorang kawan tempoh hari, aku kata, "Entah berapa banyak impian waktu muda dia, yang mungkin cuma tinggal impian, sebab nak berkorban dan lebihkan hal-hal keluarga. Impian yang dia langsung tak pernah cerita pada sesiapa."

6. Alas, one can only write so much. Later!

Ahad dan keseorangan

Habiskan Ahad aku di rumah seorang diri, berehat-rehat, bersenang-senang, berbaring-baring, melayan video YouTube, main kucing, dan hanya itu. A ‘me day’ at its finest.

WhatsApp group Borakian sunyi-sepi. Most of them went to Penang. Aku tak dapat turut serta sebab, well… kerja. It’s rather on short notice, and as a result, I couldn’t join them.

Hujung minggu depan, kalau nak diikutkan, ada tiga majlis kenduri kahwin untuk dihadiri. Satu di Ipoh. Dua di sini, di Sitiawan. Ketiga-tiga mereka adalah kawan sekolah menengah aku. Dan ketiga-tiga mereka ini berkait dan ada kisah silam antara satu sama lain sebenarnya. But that’s another story for another time. It’s complicated, and I’m too lazy to type that shit down.

Aku suruh Aiman pulang hujung minggu ini, untuk senangkan kerja aku. Dan supaya aku tidak terlalu terkejar-kejar dengan hal kerja sebelum dapat hadir ke majlis-majlis ini.

And my hair, goddamnit. My hair only look and stay good for about two weeks after haircut. Sebelum ia akan masuk fasa serabai dan payah dijaga.

And that’s all. I’m crawling back to my 'me day’ zone. Later!

13 guns

1. I’m glad my face don’t give out any rempit-esque vibe.

2. “By the time you umur 30, and still not married, jom kita kahwin.” Mind you, bila umur aku 30 tahun nanti, maknanya aku kena kahwin dengan tiga orang gadis serentak sebab terlanjur berjanji benda yang sama. Mati la, mati.

3. Of course, I’m just playing around. I’m not that desperate to, bak kata orang Melayu, hidup berteman.

4. Melepak is the way of life. Anytime, anywhere. All day, everyday.

5. Kami habiskan sisa malam dengan berbual tentang cara kami dididik sewaktu kecil. Rotan, batang mop, getah paip, penyangkut baju, baldi, sudip, periuk, you name it. Rata-rata cerita pengalaman zaman kanak-kanak kami hampir sama antara satu sama lain.

6. “Maknanya apa? Maknanya dia senang cair. Kena ayat manis sikit dengan orang baru kenal sekejap dah sangkut. Itu je.”

7.  I texted everyone there is to text in my phone contacts, telling them I had a really really busy Sunday. I don’t care, I’ve been through one hellish day, and everyone needs to know that. Dalam banyak-banyak teks balas yang aku dapat, cuma satu yang paling menyelesakan hati ini, “Sabarlah. Bantu family, dapat pahala.”

8.  O God, lelaki kalau bergosip lebih laser daripada perempuan sebenarnya. 

9. People are often mean to me. Simply because, they know I can take it. Orang cakap apa, atau orang layan aku teruk macam mana sekalipun, I never hold grudge. Atau terasa hati. But when people treat me nicely, which, by the way, is a rare occasion, aku macam, “awww, so nice of you.”

10. Raja Muhammad Aliff and his soft spot.

11. Ritual setiap pagi sebelum mandi: hisap rokok sambil tenung cermin, senyum seorang diri, belek rambut selama lima minit.

12. Redfoo’s Lights Out adalah lagu yang paling mengelirukan dalam dunia. Go ahead, and try listen to it. 

13. ‘Gerak luuu pape rojerrr’ never gets old.

The little things give you away

1. Bak kata Jeremih, “I think I’m in whatever-it-is-they-call-it. I’m talkin’ about loooove.”

2. How long has it been? Because at this rate, I still fancy Perempuan Paling Cantik Dalam Dunia existence in my life.

3. Kami duduk minum petang. Dan rancak bercerita tentang kenangan ketika bersekolah menengah bersama. Dua tahun terakhir sekolah menengah, lebih tepat lagi. I was a bright student. I scored 6A’s for my PMR. Tetapi mengenangkan aku sibuk menjadi setan sewaktu tingkatan empat dan lima, I got none for my SPM. Tambah parah, aku gagal dua subjek elektif. Dengan keputusan yang maha teruk, maka aku hanya dapat sambung belajar diploma di kolej entah apa-apa.

4. I regret nothing. Because my life turned out fine. Believe me, it could have gone so much worse than this.

5. I never see myself as a cool person. And I never claimed to be one. I’m always nervous, practically around… everyone. Kalau kau tanya kawan aku, Raja Muhammad Aliff ini macam mana orangnya dalam dunia realiti, aku pasti mereka akan jawab serentak, “perangai macam gampang.”

6. I first fall in love (no monkey business whatsoever) when I was 20 years old.

7. For the first time in my life, pada minggu lepas, aku beritahu kawan-kawan satu rahsia sewaktu kami makan malam bersama, “Kome tahu kenapa bulu kening aku lebat? Sebab masa kecik dulu, aku main dengan pisau cukur, lepastu aku pergi bantai cukur licin dua-dua belah bulu kening. Kome tengok adik-beradik aku, mana ada yang bulu kening lebat. Aku sorang je.”

8. Protips: cukurlah bulu kening untuk jadikan ia lebih lebat.

9. Kami boleh habiskan sehari suntuk bercerita tentang hal-hal zaman sekolah. Sentiasa ada gelak ketawa, sentiasa ada kegirangan, sentiasa ada senyuman. Dua tahun terakhir persekolahan yang sangat-sangat aku hargai.

10. Macam aku pernah cakap, kalau orang betul-betul nak bertegang leher dan berbalah dengan aku tentang hal-hal yang dah lepas, I’ll fucking make you swallow your words back. Don’t fucking try me. I put up with a lot of people, with their shit and stuff. Sebab aku adalah manusia yang tak suka mengungkit dan malas nak habiskan tenaga dan masa dalam apa-apa unnecessary argument. But don’t fucking make me go there. You’ll fucking regret.

11. If I’m going to be late, I’ll tell you I’m going to be late. No lame excuses. No beating around the bush whatsoever. You want to be mad at me, hey, be my guest. But that wouldn’t change the fact that I’m going to be late.

12. I never justify my actions in life nor I feel the need to explain myself to anyone. If I did something wrong, or stupid, or embarrassing, or anything, and then get caught while doing it, mehh so be it. Because I’ve had so many awkward and embarrassing moments in life, I don’t think having a new one to add into my collection is such a big deal. I couldn’t care less, to be honest.

13. Aku semak semula belanja segala hal-hal hidup untuk pertengahan bulan Februari sehingga awal Mac, lebih kurang empat ribu ringgit hangus begitu sahaja dalam tempoh tak sampai sebulan. Ternyata hidup sebagai seorang dewasa ini terlalu melelahkan.

14. The money is not coming in. The money is not coming in!

15. You see, the trick is to let them think and judge and conclude whatever the hell they want. Let them think they’re always in control over you. Let them think they’re one step ahead. Ever heard of the word ‘pretend’?

16. I always feel like hugging her close to me. Kemudian terasa macam nak berbisik di telinga dia, “I surrender.” It’s scary, though. Sebab aku jadi betul-betul lemah dengan Perempuan Paling Cantik Dalam Dunia.

17. Sabtu yang… okay. Tak banyak kerenah. Dan tak banyak hal. Sitiawan hujan. Habis kerja awal. Sarapan pagi dengan wajah cantik. Okay, cool. Cool cool cool.

18. “Laa dari dulu inilah kawan A sampai laa ni.” - komen mak kepada seorang kawan aku, A, di sebuah gambar lama di Facebook. Yes, it’s been that long, I kid you not.

19. Kali terakhir aku bina kelompok kawan yang boleh dipercayai adalah sewaktu di kolej. That was like four years ago. Selepas tempoh itu, aku berhenti cuba untuk bina kelompok baru. I hardly call anyone new that came into my life as a friend anymore.

20. I need someone who can accept me as I am. Kerana ini adalah benda paling asas dalam apa-apa hubungan. Dan aku cuma minta ini, tak lebih tak kurang. Tetapi satu permintaan ini pun, jarang ada manusia mampu beri.

21. Truth to be told, I don’t even have the slightest heart to write in my primary blog. That whole place reeks of memories. I just can’t write there anymore.

21. I sometimes wonder about the road not taken.

Malam Khamis

1. “Sembahyang Jumaat dekat mana esok? Masjid Al-Mekdonel ke?”

2. Just a tad bit disappointed, kot.

3. Kadang-kadang, aku suka memandu guna kereta Aisyah. Kerana di bawah cermin pandang belakang, ada tergantung gambar kecil kami sekeluarga yang ditangkap sewaktu hari raya Aidilfitri tahun lepas.

4. Always be good and do good (to other people), dear Self.

5. No, I don’t do trivia questions about someone else’s life. Not that I don’t care. But I just don’t fancy in knowing everything there is to know.

6. Definisi kebahagiaan adalah dapat makan enam keping daging burger pada pukul satu pagi.

7. A half-assed _______ (fill in the blank). 10 marks.

8. And… poof!

Advencer mencari gerai burger yang tergendala

1. Lepak is love. Lepak is life.

2.

3. Aku keluar rumah pukul enam petang untuk jemput Haikal dari sekolah, dan terus ke sebuah restoran Mamak untuk minum petang dengan beberapa orang kawan, kemudian sempat singgah main snooker sebelum pulang ke rumah pada pukul lapan malam.

4. Sebab itu, aku suka habiskan hujung minggu berehat dan bermalas-malas di rumah. Kerana hari-hari bekerja aku dipenuhi dengan segala macam aktiviti.

5. If I’m not having a night out with friends, aku selalunya ambil sedikit masa untuk keluar memandu seorang diri.

6. Ahh screw this shit. I’m sleepy as fuck.

Life in a nutshell (2)

Dis·cern·i·ble

Kami duduk, dan berbual tentang kehidupan selaku seorang lelaki bujang. Tanpa tali komitmen. Tanpa drama. Tanpa pening kepala. A single life at its finest.

Kawan-kawan selalu lihat aku sebagai seorang yang tidak berteman. Sebab aku tak pernah bawa mana-mana perempuan duduk semeja dengan mereka. Dan sebab aku tak reti nak campurkan kelompok manusia berlainan dalam satu masa sama, yang ketara menyebabkan fokus aku terpecah, dan berbelah-bahagi. But of course, they’re there. For they’re real. And for each comes with a different purpose in my life.

“I’m currently seeing a girl. Asal dari sekian sekian. Umur sekian sekian.” And that’s pretty much it. Nama pun aku tak pernah beritahu kepada mereka. Bagi aku, ada sisi kehidupan peribadi diri ini yang aku mahu simpan hanya untuk diri sendiri. Dengan siapa aku berhubung, dengan siapa aku keluar, dengan siapa aku kongsi masalah, segala-galanya berlaku secara perlahan dan tanpa berada di bawah radar pengawasan sesiapa.

Because it’s easier that way. While being attached to someone, but clearly with, you know… less attachment and less people involved.

Kerana tak ada sesiapa pernah bantu aku untuk kenal dengan mana-mana perempuan. Tak ada wingman. Tak ada kawan untuk tolong mengusik, atau jadi tukang kenen. No mutual connection. No mutual interest. No nothing whatsoever.

Semuanya aku buat sendiri daripada A sampai Z. From the chasing part to the very end of it all. From nothing to something. Believe me, it’s fucking hard. Untuk tiba-tiba mendekati dan berkenalan dengan seorang perempuan (without being an obvious creep) adalah satu benda yang sepatutnya dilakukan dalam keadaan tidak sober.

As I never tire of pointing out, I’m more than happy right now. I know things don’t always work out well for me, but it’s okay. Sebab ada banyak perkara yang aku risaukan ketika ini lebih daripada membina sebuah hubungan dengan seorang perempuan.

Walaupun kadang-kadang timbul rasa macam nak berborak kosong dengan seseorang, atau berkongsi benda-benda bangang yang aku jumpa di Internet, and poof– I just realized they’re not there for me anymore.

Well, it kinda makes me sad. A little bit. But hey, all is well.

A little bit of this and that

1. My smoking habit are getting out of control already.

2. When I’m out driving with friends, we tend to play cat and mouse. Chasing each other, that’s the real thrill. Driving fast just to be ahead of everyone, mehh, not so much.

3. Aku adalah manusia yang sentiasa tak bernasib baik setiap kali cabut undi untuk pilih giliran. Sepertinya Tuhan sediakan tempat kedua terakhir atau terakhir adalah khas untuk aku.

4. Mudahnya perempuan terpedaya dengan mainan kata-kata? *smh*

5. Tak ada siapa percaya bila aku cakap dalam akaun semasa bank tinggal lima puluh sen. Bitch please, I don’t have to pretend to be poor. I am poor.

6. Semua orang mengadu keletihan pada hari Isnin selepas kami mengharungi hujung minggu yang penuh aktiviti. Ada yang bangun lewat pergi kerja. Ada yang sakit belakang. Ada yang sakit kepala. Ada yang terlelap di pejabat. All in all, glad to know that I’m not the only one who aren’t built for this kind of lifestyle.

7. Komunikasi adalah perbuatan yang melibatkan dua hala/pihak. There’s a giving side, and a receiving side. Masing-masing ada peranan dan tindak balas reaktif sendiri. Dan janganlah naif sangat, sebab komunikasi tak semestinya hanya wujud dalam bentuk perbualan. Aku bercerita, kau mendengar, adalah satu bentuk komunikasi. Aku tulis, kau baca, juga adalah satu bentuk komunikasi.

8. I’m your biggest fan, Perempuan Paling Cantik Dalam Dunia.

9. Note to self: (null)

10. Yes, I’m a manipulative being. Yang mampu jaga hati, dan dalam masa yang sama, yakinkan orang bahawa mereka selalu in control dalam serba-serbi hal yang melibatkan kewujudan aku dalam hidup mereka. Walaupun natijahnya, aku sendiri terpaksa beralah banyak kali. Tapi tak mengapa, asalkan semua orang gembira, itu sudah cukup bagi aku.

11. Have a good Tuesday, you people!