2017, let's do this.

2017 will be here in just a few days. And it goes without saying, my 2016 was (perhaps, still is) a total disaster.

Let's recap a little bit this and that of my year, shall we? I fell in love with the most beautiful girl I've ever seen, went through a series of heartbreak. And what else? Pengurusan kewangan diri yang gagal teruk sampai setiap hari pening kepala, sekian banyak wang dan aliran keluar/masuk tunai yang aku sendiri tak dapat kesan penuh dsbnya.

Didn't go anyplace for a vacation. Rome, Phuket, Bali, Lombok dll, sekadar rancangan yang hanya tinggal sebagai rancangan. Paling jauh aku pergi tahun ini cuma ke Changlun, untuk majlis kenduri kahwin seorang kawan.

But all is well now. Or so I thought.

Apa-apapun, kesihatan diri dan keluarga masih lagi Tuhan pelihara. Mungkin inilah rezeki paling besar Tuhan beri selama ini. Dan untuk pastikan diri sentiasa dapat terus menyara diri dan keluarga, no, I really couldn't afford to get sick.

Lupakan itu.

So, 2017. Well, well, well...

(All of) my friends are getting married next year. Six of them. Dengan aku yang tak nampak gaya langsung macam nak berkahwin dalam masa terdekat, maka aku kira aku tak perlu pening kepala memikirkan soal jodoh buat waktu ini.

Continuous financial stability, that's all I want right now. Jadi kaya dulu, lain-lain hal kemudian.

(At this point, aku rasa tulisan ini macam ditulis oleh orang yang tak reti menulis. Smh dear self...)

I want to save up as much as I can. Starting next year. Kerana tiga bulan terakhir tahun ini adalah neraka. I lost track of all of my expenditure. Entah duit aku pergi mana pun aku tak pasti. I bought nothing, that's the problem. Tetapi duit tetap juga keluar laju macam air terjun.

Di mana kita tadi, ya? Oh right, my plans for 2017.

I wouldn't as far as to call this azam or something. Lebih kepada titik peringatan untuk diri sendiri, dan penanda aras supaya tak lari jauh dari tujuan asal, if you will.

I'm paying two cars right now. Satu kereta aku, satu lagi kereta Aisyah. She's planning to get married next year. Untuk membolehkan dia kumpul duit dengan segera, dan aku selaku seorang lelaki yang bertanggungjawab, aku ambil sedikit beban ini dan tanggung sebab aku (rasa) macam mampu.

Campur dua buah kereta, bil telefon, bil internet, bil-bil utiliti, simpanan ASB, dan insurans diri, jumlah belanja hangus setiap bulan adalah lebih kurang RM1500. Maka aku terpaksa pejam mata dan abaikan jumlah ini dengan anggapan bahawa ia adalah sebuah alegori terhadap kehidupan dewasa yang tak menyeronokkan.

Dan aku buka satu lagi akaun bank, di mana aku akan asingkan RM500 - RM600 setiap bulan untuk belanja diri. Dan setelah dibahagi, maka keupayaan maksimum untuk berbelanja setiap hari adalah dalam lingkungan RM15.

Makan minum, rokok, duit minyak, belanja perempuan makan, sesi lepak dan main snooker dsbnya, akan terhad dalam amaun RM500 - RM600. Nampak macam tak cukup (dan aku tahu memang tak cukup pun sebenarnya), tetapi basically inilah idea kasarnya. Untuk latih diri supaya tak berbelanja macam orang tak ada pedoman.

Dan setelah selesai semua itu, selebihnya adalah untuk simpanan. Dan setelah mengira jumlah kasar bayaran servis, insurans dan cukai jalan untuk semua kenderaan di rumah ini, dan tolak campur entah apa urusan lain lagi yang akan menghabiskan duit aku, di penghujung Disember 2017 kelak, aku patut ada lebihan RM16000 - RM20000 dalam tangan.

Inilah impian paling murni dalam hidup. Untuk simpan duit banyak gila babi. Campur simpanan sedia ada, dan simpanan akan datang, aku bercadang nak masuk meminang mana-mana perempuan lawa yang berbuah dada besar.

Ha ha ha ha. I'm joking. Let's move on.

To tell you the truth, this is my priority right now. Ada duit, semua benda boleh jadi. Nak beli rumah ke, nak buka bisnes ke, nak kahwin ke, nak pergi umrah ke, nak beli itu ke, nak bayar hutang ke, nak lari keluar Malaysia ke, nak apa ke, semuanya tak mustahil.

Other things can seriously go choke on a dick. Lupakan niat untuk berubah jadi manusia yang lebih baik bla bla bla, treat people nicely bla bla bla. That shit is hard. That shit is stupid. People are fucking stupid. Most of them don't deserve to be treated nicely.

Apa-apapun, semoga Tuhan mudahkan hidup aku sampai bila-bila. Amen!

Era moreugetda

I think I'm officially a slave to money and working life at the moment. Kadang-kadang aku fikir ini satu perkara yang sungguh menyedihkan, memandangkan aku telah menyimpang jauh daripada tujuan asal hidup ini untuk tidak terlalu memikirkan tentang kebendaan, hal-hal dunia dan materi.

But I did what I had to do in the name of surviving, and building my own future. Because when all falls down, you're not the one who's going to save me. No one's going to throw themselves under the bus for me.

I have to work hard to get what I want in life. To be where I am today. To save up as much as I can while maintaining my current lifestyle.

People often tease me, "Dah boleh dah tu. Kahwinlah cepat. Tunggu apa lagi." To which I said, "Boleh, memanglah boleh. Kau tanggunglah belanja apa semua."

Geez, what a bunch of idiots.

The last time I went all-in with my money, ahh, when was it? When I bought my first car. I gambled everything. Sampai dalam tangan, secara literal, tak ada tinggal apa-apa. Ia kali pertama dan kali terakhir aku buat perkara bangang sebegitu.

Now, people expect me to repeat the same shit on marriage. I say, get the fuck outta here. I'm sorry, but at this age I need a sense of security, in term of sustaining a steady flow of income, and like I said, saving up as much as I can. I need to be in total control of my life.

Let say I have 100k right now. And the whole marriage process takes up like, what, 30k or something. Yes, I need the remaining balance to act as a sense of security. This might offend a lot of people, but I'm sorry, to start all over again from zero right after getting married sounds like a very very stupid idea to me.

And it's never about finding the perfect girl or anything. No, nothing like that. For me, it's all about finding, apa yang orang Melayu panggil, keserasian. A full complement to even begin with. One that completes the other. I mean, we could be two very different people, ideologically, ah who the hell cares, as long as we're compatible and could always work things out together.

Cantik, baik hati, sopan-santun, berharta apa semua, no no no, cut the bullshit right there. If you bore the shit outta me, and we don't seem to fit to be together for a very long time, I'm really really sorry, but I don't want to waste my time and effort trying to work things out for God knows how long.

Okay now, I got some work to do. Until then.

(1)

I never said I want to stop writing. I only said I want to stop writing on a daily basis. But I don't know why people seem to be getting the wrong idea.

Tak mengapa, lupakan itu.

Anyway, what's new? Not much, I guess. Same old, same old. Masih lagi tak kaya. Masih lagi struck out dengan perempuan-perempuan yang aku suka. Masih lagi pening kepala (cuba) menyelenggara kehidupan. Masih lagi tak jumpa jalan penyelesaian untuk jadi manusia yang lebih baik.

Count your blessings, they say. So I'mma do just that. Why? Because life has been treating me well lately, that's why.

It isn't all bad. Walaupun Tuhan bagi payah itu ini, susah sana sini, it don't matter. Makan pakai tempat tinggal cukup, kesihatan diri dan keluarga terjaga, ada duit simpanan, I think that's enough for me.

And I learn how to let go. Of everything. People, emotional attachment, money-related stuff etc. In simpler words, I just don't care anymore. I'm living life as it is. Come whatever may, I'mma brave it out. Like a true gladiator.

2040

I'll stop once I reach 2000th post. That was me two months ago saying the stupidest shit ever. Because now I'm still writing on a daily basis with no sign of slowing down.

I've tried. Believe me, I've tried so hard. But all roads seem to lead me back here. Writing shit that no one cares to read.

Proses autopsi dan dokumentasi diri ini perlu berakhir. Kerana ia telah berlarutan untuk satu tempoh yang sangat lama; sepuluh tahun, sejak aku masih berada di sekolah menengah. Ada seribu satu perkara yang telah berlaku dalam jangka masa yang sungguh panjang ini. To be honest, I'm not getting any younger. As a matter of fact, I'm not heading forward. I'm just circling around, stuck in the same damn place for God knows how long already.

In simple words, to not write religiously, but occasionally.

I've always wanted a grand closure, but at this point in life, I just don't care anymore. Well... this is it, I guess. You people have been wonderful and amazing. Thanks for having me. Until then.

(00)

"Why am I doing this?" I often asked myself. I don't have the clear answer. For all I know, it's the same ride all over again. Aku jadi teruja dan seronok, kemudian aku jadi takut dan paranoid, kemudian segala-galanya akan hancur berkecai dalam sekelip mata.

I'm a man of many things but one thing I'm not is a man who can sustain a longevity of any kind of emotional attachment. Given the right people, and the right time, and the right situation, sure why not, but for the most part, I refused to.

I'm fine the way I am. I'm comfortable having so little people in my life. Walaupun wujud dua sisi berbeza yang saling kontradik antara satu sama lain. Separuh diri ini ingin berubah menjadi manusia yang lebih baik. Supaya aku tak lagi sewenang-wenangnya sakitkan hati sesiapa di kemudian hari. Separuh lagi pula berkeras bahawa tak ada apa-apa yang perlu dan patut diubah. With that being said, if people can't take me as I am, I need to cut them off.

"Why am I doing this?" I asked myself. Again.

(0)

I just kinda know when I'm in love. The distinct and notable feeling would be fairly easy to validate. It just sort of happened I guess. There's a sudden urge in me to learn, and to digest, and to assimilate, and to get the hang of everything about that particular someone.

Because when I fall, I fall hard and wholeheartedly.

I look forward to spending some quality time, making plans together, sharing banal life routine, or stupid stuff I found on the internet, or my miserable pseudo-existential crisis, or whatever, texting nonsense at an ungodly hour. In essence, I want to blend you in to be part of my dull life.

I'm always trying to look decent when I'm out with someone. I low-key want to make a good impression. Potong rambut pendek dan kemas, sentiasa pakai pakaian yang sesuai, cuba sedaya-upaya untuk jadi diri sendiri, tinggalkan seketika segala masalah yang sentiasa menghurung kepala, dan cuba untuk mencari bibit-bibit kebahagiaan atau keseronokan sewaktu berbual, bergurau, makan bersama, memandu tanpa arah tuju dsbnya. It's always the little things that gets me.

And it doesn't matter what you look like, or what you wear. Jubah, jersi, baju lengan panjang, kasut tumit tinggi, wedges, sneakers, tudung bawal, shawl, natural makeup, or anything. You're perfect in my eyes, I'll still fancy you the same, and that's all that matters.

"You look good in a shawl. Especially in this light pastel purple color. It suits you well." I told her, pretending as if I know a thing or two about the way she dresses. "Iyeeee, I tau," was her full of vanity reply.

Now, this is the kind of girl I want to be with for the rest of my life.

Negative one

1. Keinginan untuk hidup makin berkurangan hari demi hari. What a disaster.

2. Duduk berborak dengan kawan-kawan malam semalam, dan kami rumuskan bahawa umur 25 tahun tak muda tara mana dah. We're getting old.

3. Balik rumah pukul dua pagi, dan natijahnya terbangun lewat nak pergi kerja.

4. Woke up at 7:18AM. Menggelupur aku bersiap pagi tadi.

5. Boleh rasa beban tanggungjawab tergalas di bahu semakin berat. Bills to pay, family to take care of, hal kerja yang tak pernahnya menyenangkan.

6. Mentally and physically weak right now. I really can't do this alone.

7. 24/7 susah hati. Kau apa tahu?

8. Perhaps I'm not battling loneliness, or depression, or whatever at the moment. I'm fighting against myself.

9. Be strong, dear Self. You'll get through this.

10. I don't care about my spending anymore. Mampus la berapa ribu pun duit aku rugi bulan ini, aku dah malas nak ambil peduli.

11. It's so hard to keep track of everything. Can someone please be in charge and let me rest for a day? Or a week? Or a month?

12. Sing me a lullaby or something. And tell me everything's going to be okay. Please?

13. I'm reaching out for help. Please, please, save me.

14. So tired.

15. Have a good day people. Thank you for reading.

4:34PM

1. I hate pre- and post-cooking. I hate cleaning up the mess. I hate the whole process. When I was in Seri Iskandar for three years, I hadn't brought any kitchen utensils, bowl, plate or anything. Because I rarely use them. Strictly nasi bungkus using disposable containers to eat. And most of the time, I just eat outside. I'm comfortable this way. Consider this analogy. You come to my house, or you live with me. And I don't have any of these things. Sure, you can complain and whine about it all you want. But I'm not the one having difficulty adjusting to the very nature of my own living. You are the one having difficulty adjusting. Indeed, you are the one with the attitude. I can compromise. Because I'm not anal and rigid. I can tolerate a lot of things. But let me remind you again, I'm comfortable this way. You see, when you enter my life, this is the exact same thing. I may have nothing to offer. Or things that you specifically want. You can either walk away, or we can work something out. See, that's the beauty of it.

2. Jangan percaya dengan manusia yang bahasakan diri atau guna perkataan abam atau abiang, they're stupid and deserve to be hit by a truck.

3. Aku rasa semua orang patut tahu buljangnan bermaksud bermain dengan api dalam bahasa Korea.

4. Bila rokok murahan jatuh atas lantai, kau pijak, nyala yang baru. Don't be that kind of guy, yang kutip, hisap balik.

5. Minimalist concept? Well yeah I'm more into minimalas.

6. Awkward adalah bila aku happened to mention Agent Provocateur waktu berborak dengan perempuan, dia tanya aku balik, "Apa tu?"

7. (null)

8. Say what? I can't hear you.

9. That's right. Fuck you.

10. Why the hell am I doing this?

Why the hell am I doing this?

It's fairly easy to control people using words. Apatah lagi yang jenis tak nak kalah, egois, dan keras kepala, dua kali ganda lebih mudah. Because they're usually blinded by their own attitude.

Sometimes I don't understand people and their erratic behavior. For example, I can't never understand women. But that doesn't mean they can't be manipulated. Believe me, there's always room to be exploited. There's always some kind of trick to turn things around.

I'mma get what I want. That's my ulterior motive. Not long ago, I had an argument with her. I said, "when things don't go in your favor, you simply hang up on me. That's what you always do. And I'm the one who had to apologize."

You see, easy, use the right words, and I'll get what I want. An argument. One sided-argument, to be exact. But who the hell cares? She just can't stand to be proved wrong. And for the sake of being right, of course, she didn't hang up on me, and continued arguing.

For all I care, I'm the clever one here.

1:40PM

1. My brother cooked dinner for us last night. Holy macaroni, that was amazing. Even my sisters don't know how to cook (unless it's pastries, cakes, or something).

2. I have no problem with women who refused to or can't or don't like to cook. I don't know why people (men especially) expect women to be some sort of expert in this. *don't worry sis, I got your back*

3. I'm skating through life doing the bare minimum for God knows how long already. To be honest, I'm scared. What if one day God decided that I can no longer enjoy this kind of lifestyle?

4. Supermoon, shmuckmoon. Fuck you.

5. I think my siblings are going to be far more successful than I ever will be. Aisyah has been teaching kids for a year now. Sarah is starting her bachelor's degree in accounting in less than a week. And Aiman, I never worry about him. He's good with money. When I was his age, I literally have nothing. Dan macam sekarang, dia ada sebuah kereta dan dua buah motosikal, yang aku hanya boleh mimpi untuk miliki pada usia 21 tahun.

6. Kadang-kadang, aku marah bila tahu mereka beli benda-benda yang aku fikir tidak perlu. They believe in material possession. Well... I don't.

7. Bila aku duduk seorang diri memikirkan apa yang mungkin berlaku kalau aku tak ada keluarga untuk disara...

8. But nope, I wouldn't dare go down that road. It's terrifying.

9. Bila ada kawan lelaki (cuba-cuba) main kayu tiga, this is the only sensible thing to tell him: don't do it, you're going to get caught.

10. Sure, the sex is good and everything. Just wait. Wait until you get caught.

11. Nuh-uh, we're not going to let you fuck your life up. We care a great deal about each other. Kerana kawan-kawan adalah tempat simpan rahsia paling utama bagi lelaki.

12. Nasihat, nasihat juga. Tetapi, bazir masa dan tenaga untuk selalu beri nasihat terhadap perkara bangang yang tak sepatutnya dilakukan. Because they know the consequences pretty damn well. But hey, the dick wants what the dick wants.

13. Paling kelakar bila baca caption gambar atau status Facebook atau Twitter mana-mana perempuan tentang lelaki yang aku kenal rapat. Holy crap, you don't know shit about him, do you?

14. So naive, I cried T____T

15. Okay now, I'mma sleep the whole afternoon.

Digging my own grave

Sewaktu mendengar seorang perempuan jual insurans merapu entah apa benda di hujung talian telefon tempoh hari, aku tersedar satu perkara.

I'm easily distracted while having conversation on the phone. It's not difficult to lose concentration when there's no eye contact involved. Kerana tak ada paparan visual di hadapan dan tak ada siapa nak marah bila aku tak tumpukan perhatian. Yang ada cuma suara seseorang tekun bercerita atau bertanya sesuatu yang aku jarang dapat ingat untuk satu tempoh yang lama.

"Kau dah gerak belum?"

"On the way."

"Gerak sorang ke?"

"Haa, sorang."

"Okay, jumpa sana."

"Okay."

Which is why us men don't talk much with each other on the phone. Semuanya berlaku dengan pantas, tak banyak kerenah dan segera. If two male friends are having conversation for more than five minutes, it means one of them are definitely gay. 

"Hah? Apa dia?"

"Pardon me?"

"Sorry. Line tak clear."

I always say things like that. Because my mind went someplace else, and I wasn't really paying any attention. But sometimes this habit just kinda slipped out in real life.

So, we were having dinner. She talked about something I wasn't interested in. Aku yang pada mulanya menatap tepat matanya, perlahan-lahan mengalih pandangan ke bawah sebab dah malas nak melayan. Still, she keep on talking and talking and talking. And not long before she pulled my ear and asked, "Alep, what are you looking at?"

I said nothing. And by nothing, I mean her chest area. Which happened to be there and in the way. But I swear, I really was looking at nothing. If anything, fikiran aku sedang mengelamun dan tak sedar apa yang mata aku sedang lihat.

"Eeeii tipu. Pervert!"

"Excuse me. But there's nothing worth to be stared at down there to begin with."

Such a stupid stupid stupid reply. What an idiot.

11:38AM

1. My weekend usually consist of not going anyplace more than 5 - 10 kilometers from home. Unless it's curry mee night in Ipoh, then bring it on.

2. I've said it before, tatacara melepak di pekan kecil ini tak sama dengan bandar-bandar besar. Because I, or in this case, we, really don't mind going out doing all kind of activities on weeknight and staying up late past midnight having lepak session during weekday. Even when we have to get up early to go to work tomorrow morning. 

3. Weekend, is my rest day. To make sure that I'm mentally/physically prepared to face Monday.

4. I fell asleep while writing this down last night. Lemme tell you something, to go to bed at 10PM after having early dinner with friends is a bless.

5. Macam seorang perempuan cerdik yang aku follow di Twitter cakap, "I get having personas. I'm definitely louder here than in person, but it's an extension of me. If you're an asshole online, you are offline (too)."

6. She's right though. Sebab itu aku rasa nak terajang manusia yang cakap mulut dia macam longkang tapi hati dia sebenarnya baik atau manusia yang mengaku dia sebenarnya baik di dunia realiti walaupun perangai macam gampang dan suka membuli di laman media sosial. Bitch. Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

7. The reason they think they're nice in real life is because they might get punch right in the face when they say mean or dumb shit to other people. Go ahead, I dare you. I guess it's a lot safer to hide behind their online presence.

8. I'm an asshole, be it in real life or anywhere else. But I have the ability to act nice sometimes. Just don't expect too much from me, alright?

9. I'm an awkward potato whenever I meet someone new and I get nervous easily in front of people I find somewhat intimidating. What a shame.

10. My life is just a series of kawan-kawan belanja makan out of nowhere dan merapu sepanjang masa (I swear to god 24/7 365 days) dalam WhatsApp group.

11. Amende entah buat majlis kahwin sampai kena ambil pinjaman peribadi (yang semua orang tahu datang sekali dengan kadar interest maha menjerat)? That's some fucked up shit right there. If you can't afford it, then don't get married yet. Or just make a simple majlis doa selamat. That'll do.

12. Unless it's your own freakin' money, who the hell cares? But to throw away twenty to thirty thousands ringgit on a single day, with money you don't possess, you must be really really out of your mind.

13. Stereotaip masyarakat Melayu lebih kurang begitu-lah. Buat majlis besar, orang mengata. Buat majlis kecil, pun orang mengata. So what's the point?

14. Once, I was late to clear my payment, had an argument and I've been threatened by that particular person. It was my fault but I argued anyway. I never told anyone, except a friend, and we had a good laugh about it.

15. There's so many ways to describe myself, and I don't know where to begin with. Ini betul-betul menyedihkan kerana aku sentiasa mahu berupaya untuk faham diri sendiri dengan sebenar-benar faham.

16. I don't need you people to understand me. I need me to understand myself.

Hai awak vroom vroom

1. A friend is in Italy right now. With (almost) free flight ticket is on the table, I still don't feel like it's the right decision to go there and I don't know... have fun?

2. Aku cuma perlu bawa sedikit duit poket, dan telur dua biji dalam seluar. Tapi punyalah komited dengan kerja, ada peluang pergi Itali pun aku tolak.

3. About number 2, that's a lot of big talk. Mehh I just want to feel good about myself.

4. Can't wait for 2016 to come to an end. I want to rebuild and reconstruct everything from scratch next year.

5. Yes, another big talk from me.

6. I really got nothing going on in my life right now. Tak ada apa benda pun yang menarik.

7. If anything, I'm not the only who's struggling. Talked to my friends the other night, we're no better/different from one another.

8. I got another payment today. So yes, fuck you people.

9. Okay now, aku nak balik rumah dan tidur sepanjang petang.

10. Doakan aku sentiasa sihat, murah rezeki, kenal manusia-manusia baik, hati tenang, ingat Tuhan. That'll do.

11:34AM

I was bored yesterday. So... what the hell, I skimmed through various unpublished writing in my draft. You know, the usual sayang-nak-buang-tapi-malas-nak-sambung kind of stuff. And I'm not sure why the hell am I still clinging onto sentimentality for no apparent reason.

Truth be told, I can't recall most of it. As to why and to whom it was written. A, B, C, D and so many names came up, and I can't keep up anymore. Bunch of writing about people, conversation, random thoughts, girls, events etc. that just sit there with no real purpose.

Maybe it's true. We only remember things that we want to remember.

Here's my middle finger to you

1. Muahahahahaha.

2. I'm really good at putting words into one's mouth, or thoughts into one's head. Clever charade, that's the word.

3. That's why I always get what I want. Sure, it takes a lot of time and effort, but ahh what the hell, totally worth it.

4. Okay, maybe not always. Only when I'm trying hard enough.

5. Sometimes I poke fun at people because I'm really really really bored. Here's the thing, I'm an intelligent creature. So I need someone who - at least - on par with me, y'know... intelligent-wise.

6. I mean, I wouldn't say no to a meaningless or casual conversation where there'd be lotsa unnecessary ha-ha-ha. But when I bring something serious to discuss or talk about, don't act like chimpanzee around me.

7. I just realized something. For the most part and perhaps my biggest motivation, I only go out with girls because I wanted to write something out of it. Feels like I'm constantly looking for story and conversation. I think I need help.

8. My friends rarely be able to witness my interaction with girls. Be it in real life or social media sites. Which is why they never failed to circle my comment section like vultures when they see one. 

9. It's true. Friends are the family you choose.

10. Doesn't matter. Two, five, ten, or thirteen years of friendship, you'll learn something new about them every day.

11. "Korang datang la kenduri aku, kalau aku kahwin tahun depan." Siti replied with the biggest HAH? I've ever seen. "If. I said, if."

12. You people should see the look on her face. So amusing.

13. Financial freedom? What financial freedom?

14. How do I deal with my guilt? Easy. I pretend it never happened.

15. Unless you're being accused, don't be a shmuck who foolishly defend yourselves. When I've done something wrong, I don't prepare my defense. But get this, every reaction is vital. Your reaction, to be exact. Once you started reacting, I'll just use your own words, and twist it around against you.

16. Don't tell too much, they say. How much is too much?

1:31AM

1. I got two pending payments. Money, please come fasterrrrr.

2. I'm officially a slave to money. But fret not, everything's under control. I'mma fix this as soon as possible.

3. Aisyah told me to buy cake for myself, but nahh, maybe next year.

4. Sarah was the first person to wish me. And as the day went on, I received warm wishes from bunch of kind-hearted people. Thank you so much.

5. Dan untuk manusia yang doakan aku dapat lebih banyak $$$$$, you deserve a special place in heaven.

6. Dull & boring.

7. When I write hurtful things, it just kinda shows. I know exactly what kind of words to use to hurt one's feelings. Not proud of it, but yes, let this serve as a gentle reminder, don't fuck with me.

8. Bak kata Russell Peters, "somebody gonna get a hurt real bad."

9. Jisoo adalah definisi sebenar kalau-dah-cantik-pakai-apa-pun-nampak-cantik.

10. Too much interaction with people is never a good thing for me.

11. I wouldn't go so far as to call myself a true K-pop fan. Aku cuma tahu/minat 15+ lagu. That's it. Nothing more. Nothing less.

12. Kalau orang tanya aku berasal dari mana, aku akan sentiasa jawab Sitiawan. If they don't know where the hell is this small town located, that's not my fucking problem.

Faux pas

I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place. I'm in my happy place.

Here's something for you people (4)

"So who's next?" I asked.

"Siti," Syamira said. "Bulan dua tahun depan."

Tengoklah kalau rajin aku datang, aku bergurau. "Ohh kenduri F kau datang. Kenduri aku kau tak nak datang."

I couldn't help but to laugh. Aku cakap yang aku tak berani nak janji. Mungkin aku sibuk tak menang tangan nak menyelenggara hidup. Mungkin aku sendiri nak kahwin waktu itu (ha ha ha!). Mungkin aku tak sihat atau apa. "Jangan risau, I'll try to make it."

Aku tak pernah peduli sesiapa nak kahwin bila atau di mana. Esok, atau lusa, atau minggu depan, atau bulan depan, atau tahun depan, atau sepuluh tahun lagi, who cares? Whatever makes you happy. Even when I refused to go to your wedding ceremony, for whatever reason, I'll still be praying for your happiness, and hoping everything is okay at your end.

I'm happy for F. I genuinely do. Hell, I congratulated her spouse before we took photos together. And he even greeted me when he saw me looking at them sitting at the pelamin. There's absolutely no reason to feel jealous or bitter whatsoever. Because we've somehow met each other before. Six years ago, I think. Somewhere around KLCC.

Phew, good to know that he still recognize me well enough that day.

Here's something for you people (3)

"Apahal korang kongsi lipstick ni?" You see, that's the kind of thing I thought I'd never say in my entire life.

I was in F's room with them girls. Sementara menunggu pengantin habis makan dan potong kek, kemudian tunggu giliran untuk bergambar bersama, there's not much to do around here. Mereka pula sibuk perbetulkan tudung dan mekap, berebut-rebut untuk menggunakan cermin. Tidak dapat tidak, terpaksalah aku jadi sebahagian daripada landskap perbualan separa berbisik sambil bergosip dan entah apa benda lagi yang kebanyakannya aku tak berapa faham.

"Lelaki kongsi rokok boleh pulak?" They retorted back.

"Tak sama la...." I hate when they managed to cleverly throw some sense into me. 

Nothing has really changed. Not even the slightest bit. Seolah-olah segala-galanya terperangkap dalam ruang dan masa selama lima tahun tidak bersua muka. We can easily pick up where we left off. No awkward silence. No digging up the past or sticking one's nose where it doesn't belong. No stupid so-what-do-you-do-for-a-living-now question. 

"5 years huh?" I myself asked in disbelief. "Ye ke lima tahun?" Siti macam ragu-ragu.

"I think so."

"Muka kau pun dah lain sekarang. Makin hand---" she didn't finish her sentence.

"Say it!"

"Makin handsome." Well... that's one way to feed my ego. Feels like I'm on top of the world.

"Muka korang sama tak berubah langsung." Aku beritahu.

"Habis tu takkan kau nak muka kitorang tukar jadi lain?" Siti balas.

"Takde la." Aku sambut. "At least jadi la lagi cantik ke apa." That was me being unnecessarily mean.

Raja Muhammad Aliff - 1

My former classmates - 0 

25

Today's my birthday. I'm officially turning 25. A new milestone in life.

Jujur cakap, hari ini adalah hari yang sama seperti hari-hari lain bagi aku. Nothing special though. Cuma aku bangun pagi lebih awal dari kebiasaan. Because I had a really good night's sleep. Kemudian aku pergi kerja. Cari rezeki macam biasa. Dan mungkin petang ini aku akan keluar main snooker, atau pergi pasar malan. Dan untuk mengakhiri semuanya, mungkin ada sesi makan malam bersama kawan-kawan. Like I said, same old, same old.

I think I had truly hit rock bottom. I didn't make plans with anyone. I only received warm wishes from my family, Borakian friends, and two kind souls from Twitter. And that was it. Nothing more, nothing less.

This should act as a gentle reminder that I'm not always a priority, and that I don't make enough impact on anyone's life. But it's okay. It's alright. Because I expected less, really.

For all I care, I just want to be happy. And I'm working really really hard towards my future. Aku berharap kesihatan aku selalu terjaga untuk sentiasa dapat menyara diri dan keluarga. Aku berharap aku tak selalu susah hati memikirkan hal-hal kecil dalam hidup. Aku berharap manusia-manusia yang memahami diri ini akan kekal untuk tempoh yang lebih lama.

Happy birthday, and have a good one, dear Self. Do good, be good.

Here's something for you people (2)

It rained heavily all the way to her house. Aku cuba untuk tidak tergesa-gesa dan memandu macam orang tak ada pedoman, kerana aku ada rekod buruk memandu dalam keadaan cuaca sebegini. I almost had a car accident and a near-death experience on various occasions, but luckily I survived. Pheww, thank God for that.

I can't believe I'm actually going to say this, but it feels so good to finally meet them again yesterday. Similar faces and voices from five years ago (five friggin' years, I shit you not). Siti was there. Syamira too. Kecik. Alea. And of course, Nad and F. Just as I was about to sit down, Nad insisted that I should meet F in her room for awhile before her wedding ceremony. I refused at first. And they were all like, alaaaa pergilahhhhh.

I said hi.

"Alepppppp. Cantik tak?" She asked me. To which I didn't say a word. I nodded my head and smiled. She looked stunningly beautiful. And for a second there, I thought to myself, I've made a right decision by coming down here. Untuk datang dan merayakan hari yang penting dalam hidupnya. Untuk sama-sama berasa gembira dalam sebuah keramaian yang menyatukan dua jiwa.

Perhaps this is not a proper reunion for us. Manusia ramai di merata celah. Suasana riuh dan sibuk. Nak makan lagi. Nak tangkap gambar lagi. Nak itu. Nak ini. Sehinggakan tak banyak ruang dan tak cukup masa untuk duduk berborak sepuasnya.

Plus I couldn't stay for too long. I told them I'm heading to KL after the ceremony to meet my friends. They didn't believe me. "Tipu la jumpa kawan. Tak sihat pun sanggup drive jauh-jauh. Mesti ada date dengan mana-mana perempuan ni."

Nahh, I don't do that kind of thing anymore. That wild phase has long gone from my life. And I laughed as a response. Because my two idiot high school friends were really waiting for me there. But that's another story for another time.

Here's something for you people

11:53AM

1. Lemme tell you what I'mma do today: get a haircut, pay all my bills that will be due on 5th November. Dan akhir sekali buat keputusan nak guna kereta apa pergi Taiping dan KL pada hujung minggu ini.

2. Or maybe just Taiping. Ikutkan hati, malas betul nak memandu ke KL.

3. Gelisah semacam nak tinggalkan hal kerja. Because I don't trust other people do to my work. They're going to effortlessly fuck it all up for me. Dan itu akan menambahkan lagi sakit kepala sedia ada.

4. "Haiyaaa kawan, jangan ini maciam."

5. Entahlah, money's not coming in. Aku rasa tertekan gila babi dalam tempoh dua tiga minggu ini.

6. Doakanlah supaya aku tak sakit jiwa pada usia yang sungguh muda.

7. Aku ada kecenderungan untuk taip pepanjang nama manusia yang rapat dengan diri ini sebelum mulakan perbualan. "Fxxxxxxxxxxxx" "Nxxxxxxxxxxxx"

8. And the only acceptable response is: "Aleppppppppp"

9. Technically, I'm still 24 years old.

10. But sadly, I don't look like one. Without any facial hair (and with a clean haircut), muka aku nampak macam remaja baru habis sekolah yang tengah tunggu keputusan SPM untuk sambung belajar.

11. Ada rancangan untuk bikin bachelor party buat kawan-kawan yang bakal berkahwin pada tahun depan. "Let's go to Phuket again."

12. Kalau rancangan ini menjadi, aku dah boleh bayangkan maha epik-nya suasana yang mungkin berlaku.

13. And it goes without saying, let's go fucking mental!

3:29PM

1. I'm going through a very weird phase of my life. I now religiously listen to K-pop songs (and genuinely loving it).

2. To justify my current obsession with shitty pop music, yes, I still listen to (insert pointless justification here).

3. Pedulitaik pulak aku kalau kau rasa selera musik kau lagi superior? Aku ulang sekali lagi, pedulitaik pulak aku?

4. Had a very interesting dinner conversation with friends last night. Makan malam dan melepak sampai pukul satu pagi bercerita tentang... duit.

5. Aku harap rambut aku tak gugur sebab 24/7 pening kepala fikir masalah hidup.

6. To go or not to go, that's the question.

7. Nad awal-awal lagi dah pesan: see ya at F's wedding!

8. I should've texted her last night. Tapi itulah... terlupa.

9. Aku fikir sifat tak peduli dalam diri ini semakin menjadi-jadi. Aku cakap nak call orang, kemudian aku tak buat. Aku cakap aku nak teks, kemudian aku tak buat. Aku cakap aku nak ajak keluar makan malam, kemudian aku senyap buat bodoh. 

10. But in my defense, I could care less. A whole lot less. So... yeah...

11. This may be hard for some of you to believe, but yes, I have a life and it doesn't revolve around waiting for text messages or phone call from anyone in particular.

12. Untuk manusia yang tak henti-henti telefon aku pukul enam pagi tadi, aku harap kau puas hati sebab kejut tiga puluh minit lebih awal daripada jam penggera aku. What the fuck do you want from me at 6 freakin' AM?

13. My day hasn't even started yet, you stupid ass.

14. But all is well now. Until then.

A closed book

"Behave yourself, keep it shut, and never tell them anything."

I still remember when I was a kid, my parents would always remind me to never speak anything about all the hardship that we went through in life. Setiap kali pulang ke kampung, atau pergi ke rumah pak atau mak sedara yang lain, pesanan ini tak pernah gagal hadir.

Kereta kena tarik, orang datang rumah kutip hutang setiap hari, bayaran ansurans rumah berbulan-bulan tertunggak, bil itu ini bersepah-sepah tak terbayar, dsbnya. I could list it all out here, but what's the point?

We're just like a normal fully-functional family on the outside, except that people don't have any clue about our struggles and don't really know our story.

I'm emotionally independent from such a young age. There's always a big smile on my face. There's always laughter out of everything. There's always hey it's nothing to every tell me what's wrong. And it's all in the name of covering up the unbearable burden inside of me.

That's why I never, or rarely open up, or running around asking for help from other people. You really can't blame me for my inability to do so. Because I was raised and taught his way. Apa-apa masalah yang datang menjengah, I'm compelled to try and solve it on my own.

But I found a way to channel all of the emotions out from my mind. Through writing in this semi-private space, that sadly no one seems to care to read. Jujur cakap, aku cuma kenal kurang daripada lima orang yang setiap hari tak jemu datang baca tulisan aku. I couldn't thank them enough.

But it's okay, it's alright. Having a large audience is never my priority. I write for totally different reasons. And I understand when some people can't relate to any of my story. I don't expect them to.

12:00PM

Now, I gotta figure out a way to tell F that I don't want to go to her wedding this weekend. Without actually telling her that. I got hundreds of excuses in my head right now. And yes, none of it will actually work.

It's bloody terrifying. No, not because she's marrying someone else. And no, not because I'm jealous whatsoever. But the thought of meeting my former classmates. I don't know why, I'm an adult who have irrational fear of meeting people from my past life.

Let me repeat again: I really don't want to meet them.

Can someone please drive me there? I can't sit through her wedding sober. Because, holy crap, I need to be highly intoxicated.

Get your shit together, dear Self.

Sometimes I overreact over silly things. Over nothing. All of a sudden, I get too riled up and let my emotions consume me whole. Which is not the best way to deal with any type of situation that clearly are not in my favor. Yes, stupid, I know.

No, I don't deserve this kind of headache in life. Simple, I want no bumpy roads. I want no obstacles. I want no pressure. I want no shitty people. I'm trying hard to take a good care of everything and everyone. I'm willing to sacrifice a lot of things. I'm prepared to go way beyond the miles. I just want everything to be at ease. I've had enough. I can no longer endure this worthless emotional rollercoaster ride.

But what's life without a little risk, challenges, struggles, and whatnot?

I rarely tell anyone about my problems. Be it my family, siblings, friends or whoever. There's a distinct difference between telling people about my problems and telling people that I have a problem. I just don't feel the need to go deeper and further discuss it. Perhaps I'm habitually good at keeping things to myself.

Because I'm always struck with cognitive dissonance when I tell people something that will purposely put me into a vulnerable position. Can he/she be trusted with my life story? How do I know for sure that they won't be using it against me in the future? Am I doing the right thing?

I have no freakin' idea.

9:51AM

1. Terimalah hakikat bahawa melepak sambil main telefon adalah satu benda yang sudah jadi kelaziman. But if you don't mind being dramatic, aku cadangkan supaya ambil dan campak telefon manusia yang sibuk menghadap skrin 24/7 ke atas lantai. Kemudian tempik sekuat hati, "Enough! I said, ENOUGH!"

2. Seorang perempuan (yang aku letak dalam kategori MILF, because she's hot as fuck) selalu menyapa aku dengan, "hai sayang." Every fucking time I meet her. And this may be hard for you to believe, but yes, I feel uncomfortable.

3. And it feels so... wrong.

4. So wrong papan tarik papan buah kerandut dalam seluar.

5. Is shell out still a thing in 2016? Sebab aku nasihatkan jangan sesekali percaya dengan citarasa orang gasar yang sanggup makan tak pakai pinggan di restoran.

6. Hobi baru: tidur waktu Maghrib. You people should try it. Ia sama macam tidur biasa, tak ada apa beza pun, cuma... yelah, pada waktu Maghrib.

7. Seorang lelaki bangsa Cina bertanyakan nama dan kemudian minta nombor telefon. "Kosong satu tujuh bla bla bla..." Aku balas. "Apa you punya nama?" Dan aku jawab, "You taruk sana saya punya nama tauke besar."

8. If I ever feel like Mr-know-it-all, I'll just have to remind myself: I don't know squat about makeup products.

9. Aku harap semua manusia yang jual kaya ball faham ini: kaya ball hilang purpose bila kaya di dalamnya is nearly non-existent, you fucking piece of shit.

10. Chivalry is dead, they say.

11. Some people deserve to be called anak haram. Or else, apa lagi aku nak gelar manusia yang masuk simpang tak reti bagi signal? Babi? Beruk? Keldai?

12. The next time I hear someone says I'm not committed enough in life, I'mma break their neck.

13. Bak kata Katy Perry, "Time, the ultimate truth teller."

14. What the fuck is this kerabu megi hype?

15. Things I never thought I'd Google: how to deal with my clingy cat? And why does my cat bite me for no reason?

16. Politeness comes in many forms. People who says otherwise, meh sini aku bagi pencerahan dalam bentuk penerajang.

17. "Count your blessings, not your problems." Shut the fuck up, I'mma count whatever the hell I want.

18. Setiap kali tengok Instagram Nursajat, entahlah, my dick is getting more and more confused.

19. Susunan lagu You Don't Own Me oleh Grace sangatlah disjointed dan janggal, no matter how many times you listen to it.

20. BlackPink over everything else.

Perempuan Paling...

"Are you going to have another intense burst of compatibility with a girl we never see again?" - Britta to Abed, Community S05E06.

I should've realized it a few months ago. Or sooner. To be honest, I never thought of it that way. Maybe that's the words I'm looking for. Intense burst of compatibility. I mean, we clicked almost instantly. I've strong feelings for her right away. And I'm more than happy to always be around her. In my head, she was the perfect one.

Bak kata Carrie Bradshaw, "Maybe we only obsess over relationships that feel unfinished."

But here's the thing: I'm not obsessed. And I never left it unfinished (clearly I'm in denial). For all I care, it didn't end badly. Well, at least for me (again, in denial). And I can never know for sure what happened on her side.

I was the problem. She did absolutely nothing wrong. I still think highly of her. And I still fancy her the same. But I don't think it's a good idea, or in this regard, a meaningful notion to crawl back to her. Oh, if only things were that simple. What? Do you really think I don't consider about each possibilities every now and then? About how foolish I was, and still am?

Just as I was about to forget about her, poof... there she is, always popping back to existence out of nowhere.

Fucking hell.

Of Twitter conversation

I was having conversation with a friend on Twitter two days ago. We talked about heavenly mee kari place in Ipoh. Tempat yang sering aku habiskan beratus kilometer pergi-balik semata-mata untuk makan malam. Tempat yang ramai orang tak faham betapa besar nilai sentimental-nya terhadap diri ini.

Seribu satu perkara pernah berlaku: sesi berbuka puasa (yang sungguh celaka) dengan Razin, pertama kali bersahur di sini, makan malam terakhir dengan rakan sekelas di kolej, dan selepas balik bercuti di Pulau Perhentian, dan selepas balik mandi air terjun di Ulu Chepor, dan selepas pulang dari Alor Setar, dan selepas pulang dari Penang, dan selepas itu, dan selepas ini.

Fuck all else. This is eternally my place of happiness.

One thing led to another, I told her I don't keep track of my interaction with anyone on social media sites. I posted something, and a moment later, I will delete them. No, nothing personal. I'm not sure how or why this subject came up. Rather, I'm the one who brought it up. I don't usually tell anyone, since I figured I don't owe people any kind of explanation about my behavior. My online behavior for that matter. But she's cool though, as being so understanding.

You see, people come and go, and I don't want to look stupid to keep cling onto someone or something that isn't there anymore. So I treated everyone and everything as a stopgap until I'm certain about what the hell is going on. And perhaps, as a temporary way of dealing with my insecurities. 

Thus, it's not you. It's me.

But people often took it the wrong way, saying that I'm being offensive and trying to deny their existence. Well... if I'm trying to do that, I'll ignore your ass in the first place, idiots.

It's all about materialized remembrance. I don't need, and I don't want that kind of attachment. I want to look back, and see nothing. No photos, no words, no moments, no shit, no nothing about anything or anyone that I clearly don't want to remember.

If you're from my past life, you're fucking staying there. I don't need you to resurface back to existence out of nowhere. But of course, some things will stay and remain in my head forever, and please let me deal with that.

Because it's none of your goddamn business.

2:31PM

1. I need to force myself to tweet. Even when it's all about the little stupid things that no one cares to read. Because if I don't, feels like I'm having random thoughts on a loop inside my head, and lemme tell you something, dat iz not good. I can't afford to keep on play pretend, having real life/imaginary conversation, entertaining my train of thought simultaneously all in one go. If there's too many voices inside my head, that'll be the end of me. So, one at a time. One at a time.

2. Out of curiosity, how to pronounce gnash? G-nash? 'nash? Ganesh?

3. Out of curiosity, kuah masak lemak putih kena letak ikan bilis ke? Because I don't like the taste of ikan bilis lembik swimming in my kuah.

4. You don't owe anyone an explanation, even when they think they deserve one. Don't simply dance to anyone's tune. And always remember to never let them make you say what you don't want to say. If they still insist, tell them to go fuck themselves.

5. People look at me all weird when I tell them I don't eat lontong. And chicken drumstick. And steamed fish. And any types of prawn. And ikan keli. And boiled egg. And telur goyang.

6. Macam Mike Stud cakap, "I'm not perfect but for you I do pretend." Talk about effort, amirite?

7. I promised myself that I'd come here once a month, as a new tradition, to dine like a pseudo-bourgeoisie. And.... that was a lie. Strangely enough, it gives me the illusions of grandeur. And perhaps, the sense of entitlement to nicer things in life. With that being said, this is the perfect place to take a girl to dinner, stuff myself with good food, before I get into her pants.

8. Alahai, babinya perangai.

Hamba pun hamba wang pada zahirnya

I think my current obsession with money-consciousness stems back from the fact that I feel the need to be financially stable. For all I care, this is my priority at the moment.

At this age, I don't get to see a lot of wild and crazy people that often. I strictly surround myself with a bunch of good friends, civilized and I believe, mature and respectful people. Plus, everything's in a safe mode. Manusia yang aku kenal rapat, ramai dah settle/slow down for good. We're wayyyy past our prime.

Sometimes I can get overly defensive when someone criticized my odd ways of spending and saving. Ia nampak semacam tak teratur dan cacamarba, tetapi aku tahu dan faham bagaimana proses keluar/masuk setiap sen. And hey, if it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.

I mean, I could be having a million dollar in my bank account, and I still wouldn't feel safe. I can't never guarantee you, or in this case, myself, a total security. I can only give myself the illusion of it, or some sort of pseudo-entitlement that I think I deserve.

I'm doing quite alright. But worrying over nothing gets me every time. 

Same shit, different people.

(i)

Sure, it feels good when people listen to me. See, that's what I love about what I do for a living. I get to decide everything. From A to Z. You do as I told. Always my way. Tak ada sesiapa boleh balik selagi aku tak cakap boleh balik. Total freedom at its best.

(ii)

Kau bayangkan aku menempuh trafik maha lancau beratus-ratus kilometer, dan sejam dua kejung kaki memandu, kemudian aku dapat soalan bangang begini, "kita nak makan dekat mana?"

Holy shit, you must be special type of idiot for doing that to me.

I said politely, "You decide." And then I get all kind of shit thrown at me.

(iii)

No, I'm not mad. Just disappointed.

9:52AM Wednesday 19th October 2016

Small circle

I haven't RSVPed F's wedding invitation.

"Thank you for the invitation. InsyaAllah, tengoklah kalau rajin," was my not-so-serious reply when we were having conversation two weeks ago. Apparently, if God's willing wasn't convincing enough for her. So I was forced to say yes.

To which I quickly diverted the subject into something else. I think I've mastered the art of never making promises. And yes, I didn't say yes.

Not sure why, but the thought of meeting people from my college years is truly intimidating. I have successfully avoided them, for like, what, 5 years and counting. I don't think now is the good time.

I'm fine with the presence of Nad, F and... yep, only these two in my life right now. Others? Mehh, not so much.

Hell

For the past few weeks, my mind is all over the place, and I've been feeling uneasy. And here's the thing, I don't know where to begin to air out this problems accordingly.

First thing first, I can't write well. You people have no idea how important it is for me to be able to write without getting stuck too long on certain ideas, or paragraph, or sentences. If not, my train of thought will be circling around in a loop and it feels like no matter what I do, I'm heading nowhere.

I've failed to take a good care of myself. Waktu makan aku jadi berterabur dan tak ketahuan hala. I've lost weight drastically. Believe me, I now could fit shirts and jeans from my college years.

And I get emotionally attached way too easily. And when things don't go my way, I feel like a lost cause. I feel like the Universe is playing cruel trick on me.

And the worst, I became overly money-conscious person I once thought I'd never be. Not spending money has become an usual habit. Aku jadi kemaruk menyimpan sampai satu tahap, I set the most ridiculous limit on myself. And that's just sad. And pathetic.

Right now, I'm against everything I used to be. I'm a walking contradiction. I feel like a different person. And not in a good way.

I didn't go anywhere significant this year. I didn't buy anything worth keeping. I didn't have the passion to drive me forward. I read all of my old writing the other day. None of it makes any sense. 

Where are my old self, I wonder. And I don't have the answer.

I woke up each morning feeling like a failure. Like I don't live up to my potential. And never will be. I know I'm doing quite alright for a living right now. But there's a nagging inside my head telling me otherwise.

What am I doing with my life? Semuanya menghala kehancuran. Keluarga, kerja, kawan-kawan, cinta, masa depan, dan seribu satu lagi perkara lain. The pessimist in me can barely hold it any longer. 

I need help. And that's the thing. I don't know where to begin.

Closed-door

I feel awful when I realized I couldn't let myself be vulnerable or emotionally dependent on my loved ones and my close friends. I have tons of problems in my life right now, although God knows why I still think it's plain unnecessary to seek for their help.

But taking control of everything and keeping things to myself isn't always rainbows and butterflies. I get exhausted way too easily. Being hampered with shitload of this and that has never failed to leave me out of breath. Sometimes I wish someone else would just grab the goddamn wheel and steer me someplace.

I'm a normal human being. A weak ass human being, for the most part. I constantly find myself dwelling alone trying to solve everything on my own. I'm scared to open up to anyone. I really am. But at the same time, I want to appear okay and look fine in front of other people. I want to keep on smiling. I want to keep on laughing.

I mean, look at me. Writing to bunch of strange audience who never really care. Perhaps this is the only place I've trusted enough with my life story.

I just want to be happy. That's all. Nothing more.

3:53PM

1. "No, let's not put a label on it. Let's keep it fun." - Tove Lo's Cool Girl lyrics. See, she gets it. Why can't you?

2. Orang yang tak habis-habis guna frasa customer is always right, aku harap satu hari nanti akan ada manusia ludah dalam makanan dia. Really, always? Always right? I know the view must be nice up there, but please get off your high horse, you stupid fuck.

3. Idea gila siapa suruh kerja sampai lima petang? Tuhan ciptakan waktu petang untuk manusia tidur dan berehat di rumah.

4. Sometimes I think I've oversold the sedap-ness of mee kari. For some people, it's just biasa-biasa je. Most of the girls I used to bring there, didn't even like it. But I love it, and that's what really matters.

5. If you send me photos of beautiful girl or porn videos on WhatsApp, I'll download it immediately. If it's other than those two, it can wait.

6. I don't know how to juggle multiple people at once. Perhaps, I don't have the heart to do so. And no, I never sneak around behind anyone's back. But if you do, oh honey, it says a lot about you.

7. Recycled words from Twitter. Because what the hell... I'm too lazy.

8. Awww, it's cute when people are trying to pretend that they've forgotten about all the little things I once told them.

9. From hip hip hooray to loneliness real quick. Watch me.

10. Have a good weekend ahead of you people!

Random things about him

Haikal is an imaginative little boy. He writes funny stuff in his diary (more like a sketchbook with lotsa random things in there). Dia tulis/lukis komik sendiri, with I don't know... the panel sequence, little dialogue bubble, weird character and all. I couldn't understand the creative process of making one, but he managed to pull it off.

When I was at his age, entah apa-lah yang aku pandai buat. Maybe it's time to unwrap all of my old comic books collection, and give it to him.

Two days ago, he asked me to fix his bicycle. Here's the thing, never make promises. Especially to a little boy. I learned the hard way. Kerana apa-lah yang budak kecil tahu. Yang mereka tahu hanya untuk menuntut janji.

I don't want to be the one who breaks his heart. So I need to be careful with my words. I said, boleh, nanti kita pergi. But I made it clear to him that this is not a promise whatsoever.

Dan semalam, bila dah siap baiki, I feel happy for him. Yes, it's always the littlest things in life.

I love you, little boy. I really do.

Clever reply

Dalam perjalanan pulang menuju ke rumah selepas menjemput Haikal dari sekolah, aku tanya, "Adik bawak bekal apa pergi sekolah harini? Burger mekdi ke?"

Dia angguk. "Haritu adik cakap tak boleh makan burger mekdi sebab boikot?" Aku tanya lagi. "Takpe. Sebab bukan beli guna duit adik." Haikal sambut.

Kid's a genius. He found a loophole in the system.

Hundreds of unfinished...

I just want to write simple things in life. But my mind, oh God, my incompetent mind always tryna pull a complicated one.

I wanna be forgotten

1. One thing I need in life right now is to be consistent in snooker. Because that, my friends, is the real meaning of happiness and a complete bragging rights.

2. Jangan percaya dengan manusia yang makan nasi lemak guna satu sudu tanpa garfu. They're usually not very smart.

3. Entahlah, aku masih merasakan korus lagu Untukmu Selamanya oleh Visa adalah sesuatu yang begitu sedap didengar, tak kira waktu. Rock kapak in the truest sense.

4. Setiap kali aku mulakan ayat dengan perkataan entahlah, seekor anjing akan mati kena langgar kereta.

5. 2015: "Lonely, yes. But never alone."

6. 2016: "I'm not alone, but I feel lonely."

7. Same shit, different year.

8. In my head at the moment: money.

9. I think I need to abandon this blog, and start anew. Leaving this whole delusional writing razzmatazz out of my life, for good. But not now, God, not now. Soon. Maybe.

10. Because I'm carrying shitload of unnecessary emotional baggage. 7 years worth of stuff in here.

11. Plus, I got nothing else to prove anymore. I sure as hell can write pretty well (let's not argue about this). I've met, I've known, I've fallen in love, I've made friends and enemies throughout the years. To be honest, it's no longer a fun playground. One of the reasons I'm still here is for the sake of sentimental value.

12. All things must come to an end. Hey, that's... life.

9:31PM

1. Teman seorang kawan pergi ke sebuah bank. Bila dah selesai urusan, dia hulur aku not seratus ringgit. "Untuk apa?" Aku tanya. "Sebab teman aku."

2. Yes, I need more friends like him.

3. Sebab aku tak bodoh, maka aku tak tolak. Hey hey, my life's at stake here, alright?

4. His ass has been followed once or twice by suspicious person. Oleh sebab itu, dia minta aku untuk teman dia melakukan transaksi bersama. Entahlah, kalau orang jahat datang serbu, perkara pertama aku akan lakukan adalah lari selamatkan diri. "Fuck it. I ain't got nothing to do with this shit."

5. I think I'm the worst when I'm in saving up mode. Setiap kali aku tetapkan sesuatu, okay, I need to have RMxxxx at the end of the month, maka aku akan serta-merta jadi manusia paling anal-retentive, dan sentiasa memikirkan keluar/masuk setiap sen.

6. But when I'm not, fuck me, duit keluar laju macam pili bocor.

Searching for happiness

Am I really commitment-phobic, I asked myself. Let me clarify something here. I know the real answer. I know I have a lot of trust issues. I know I will always find a way to divert my responsibility. I know I don't do label and such.

I was being asked this question, "So, what are we now?"

It's going to get messy eventually. Which is why I refused to put any label on it. And yes, I feel like we're not quite there yet. But just to be clear, I know how to answer this without getting into any trouble. Tread lightly, so to speak. I have carefully crafted my answer to sort of fit all kinds of circumstances. I win, you win, everybody wins. 

I have an irrational fear of letting someone get close to me. And it goes without saying, I only hold a bunch of trustworthy people in my life. Get this, you know what I refer as/call most of my college classmates? Budak kelas aku. You know what I call girls I used to go out with? Simply... perempuan.

"Budak kelas aku kahwin bulan ni..."

"Aku keluar makan dengan perempuan..."

No. No names. No specific title whatsoever. When I'm telling stories about people in my life, they will always be nameless characters. It takes time for me to acknowledge (the importance of) your existence.

Being a 25, I think girls I've known at this stage of life are matured enough. No crazy yelling when I don't pick up phone calls. No throwing tantrums over silly things. No stupid blaming game. No pulling the victim card out of nowhere. The direction is pretty much straightforward and everything can be discussed like an adult. And for that, I'm forever thankful.

But my current lifestyle isn't suitable for marriage. Sure, I have plenty of other reasons. But there you go, I'm being real honest here. There's just not enough room to squeeze in new people right now. Truth be told, I can totally see myself not being tied down with someone for at least 5 years more.

Which is a shitty and sad situation to be and to think of, sometimes. But what can I do? I got a lot of responsibility in my hand. Plus I don't come from a privileged family, nor I will be able to financially sponge off anyone in particular. I have to work hard to make ends meet. 

But that didn't stop me to keep on praying for happiness in all walks of life. Because that's all I want. And that's all I need.

3:54PM

1. Like any other human being, I've made tons of mistakes. I've done a lot of terrible things in the past.

2. Do I regret it? Well... yeah, some of it. For sure, there'd be a momentary lapse when I feel bad about myself. I feel like a monster, or satan, or judas, or something. I feel like my self-value depreciating instantly.

3. But the guilt will pass. Eventually, it'll pass. See, the greatest trick of being an asshole is to never fold under pressure. Always keep your goddamn composure. Stay true to your assholerism.

4. Trust me, I can live with the guilt.

5. (null)

6. Kinda lost direction for the past few days. I'm not being the usual me. Gimme some time to get back on my feet.

7. By the way, this is my 2000th blog post. Let's celebrate this pointless achievement!

8. Should I stop writing here? Should I?

9. When people (only have known me for a short period of time) say, "I know you very well." Oh honey, I want to pinch your cheeks, because you're so cute for thinking that.

10. I will forever live in your head ^___^

There's a taste that you can't shake

"I think all girls look the same." Aku hantar satu pesanan teks panjang tepat pukul dua belas malam. "What separates them apart is the way they dress themselves. Put on a shirt, jeans, shawl or bawal, there you go... plain-Jane look. Put on a crop top and yoga pants, there you go... another different look. Put on a modern kebaya or kurung, there you go... sweetest-girl-ever look.

That's what came to mind after scrolling through Instagram feed last night. I was bored out of my mind. I've finished watching countless YouTube videos and I don't know what else to do.

Of course I didn't tell her I was scrolling through random girls photos on Instagram. Kerana ia akan jadi satu cerita lain yang tak pasal-pasal aku kena terangkan kepada dia itu ini. In other words, it means trouble.

"Kenapa tak tidur lagi? Kata esok nak bangun awal." I could sense she wouldn't want to entertain my train of thought. So, I bade her good night wishes.

And with that, what the hell, I continued scrolling.

Benda-benda kecil dalam hidup

Kegembiraan adalah bila memandu pulang ke rumah selepas minum petang bersama Haikal dan Sarah sambil menyanyi lagu Like Ooh-Ahh oleh Twice. Blissful, I tell you.