Hujan pagi Selasa

"They say the greatest love is in your face."

My rough idea of love is simple. When I'm around you, or when I look at your face, I want to feel something. Happy, excited, blessed bla bla bla you name it.

Nad knows this very well. Setiap kali aku rasa stuck dalam hidup, dia akan beritahu, go find a beautiful girl and fall in love with her.

That's the scariest part of all. I can't willy-nilly throw myself out there, while fully knowing, it'll bring nothing but a great pain afterwards. I mean, what's in there for both of us? Because when I set my mind on something, I'll pursue it relentlessly, and there's just no turning back. Losing or leaving will be a very painful option. 

I'm not talking about relationship. For me, relationship is just a bit of fraction of the whole love conundrum. I'm talking about love. And that's what love is all about.

If it leads nowhere, and we didn't end up being together, so be it. But while we are at it, I will love you unconditionally. I will always treat you right. I will make use of every moments. I will leave a significant mark on your life, to make sure we didn't crossed each other's path for nothing.

Because at the end of it all, I want to look back and be able to say to myself, yes, I have loved you in every possible way.

Selasa

1. Aku ada habit untuk buka dan baca blog orang berulangkali, walaupun dalam kebanyakan waktu, tak ada update baru dan tulisan sedia ada tak syok tak tara mana pun. Kalau kau pasang IP tracker dalam blog dan jumpa manusia tekun membaca pada ungodly hour, besar kemungkinan akulah orangnya.

2. I'm always not the one who pulled the trigger. You have no idea how many times I have to deal with, "I can't do this anymore." Or "this, whatever this is, needs to stop." Or "this isn't going anywhere." Such a heartache.

3. Kuota pas internet habis hari ini. Sedih, sungguh sedih.

4. Hujan sepanjang pagi, dan entah berapa kali aku ulang-alik pergi bilik air.

5. Your translation of the excerpt is bad, and you should feel bad.

6. Aku suka jenaka yang low-key funny and relatable. Sebagai contoh: "why do you knock your cigarette box before you unwrap it?"

7. "To wake up the cancer."

8. I had a really good chuckle over that one.

9. Ada Laila's Lounge di Ipoh tiga malam lepas. Tetapi antara Laila's Lounge dengan sesi mee kari dengan kawan-kawan, tak susah nak buat pilihan sebenarnya.

10. Get this: I am not you. My definition of having fun differ greatly than yours.

11. I can only laugh uncontrollably when I'm out with Borakian. With other people, even when you claim yourself super funny or sporting as hell, nahh, it won't work.

12. Banyak lagi, namun tangan malas menaip. Until then.

Isnin

1. Entah kenapa kucing peliharaan sering tangkap dan bawa pulang burung masuk ke rumah. The thing is, they won't eat it. Sekadar main-main ke hulu ke hilir. Kalau aku nampak, selalunya aku akan segera cepuk kepala mereka dan lepaskan semula burung itu.

2. Dua hari lalu, jari kaki Hoya tersepit tak mahu lepas di celah pintu. Aku dah panik bila dia mengiau kesakitan. Sampai terfikir nak panggil bomba datang tolong. Yes, I'm pretty much useless in life or death situation.

3. Just a little heads up: neol kkeureodanggin naraneun i beullaekhol.

4. So many things to write about. Sampai pening kepala tak tahu nak mula dari mana.

5. Pesanan kepada diri sendiri: it's Monday. Take it slow, will you?

6. My daily life revolves around 5 kilometers radius from home. Kalau keluar jarak lebih daripada itu, maka aku terpaksa anggap ia pembaziran sumber, masa, tenaga dan wang ringgit.

7. Setiap pagi aku akan lalu jalan belakang pusat serahan Poslaju dan GDEX sewaktu keluar beli sarapan. They're bunch of friendly people. Murah dengan senyuman dan tak kerek.

8. You're privileged cunt who works in air-conditioned cubicle. Bitch, calm down now.

9. From now on, I think I'mma go against buah-buahan bergoreng i.e. pisang, cempedak, sukun dll.

10. I got tons of bills to pay on 5th September, two speed trap speeding tickets yet to be cleared, tetapi duit hanya akan masuk selepas hari raya Aidiladha. Such is life.

The real definition of happiness (2)

I can't get Huwaina out of my mind. Tak sangka manusia kecil yang masih belum mengerti apa-apa tentang dunia mampu memberi kegembiraan yang semacam ini kepada aku. I really can't wait to meet her again. Untuk dukung dan bawa dia berjalan merata hala sambil jari aku sibuk menuding itu ini. To let her play with my car key. To let her watch cartoon show on YouTube, though she hardly able to understand a word. To let her mumble some gibberish.

She's adorable, I kid you not.

For me, being happy means letting the guard down for my loved ones. To never be afraid of being vulnerable whatsoever. To break the thick layer of wall around my heart within seconds. And to never look back and regret anything.

Sekurang-kurangnya, itu adalah definisi gembira yang aku anuti.

I've done a lot of crazy (and stupid) stuff when I'm happy. I mean, who in their right mind would've gone to Thailand with less a week preparation. Or wrote 99 notes about someone within a couple of months time. Or went to Penang and spent whopping amount of ringgit on things-I-can't-tell-it-here.

A wise woman once said, being happy scares me because the sadness that comes after is always more intense. I get it. I totally understand what she's trying to convey. Couldn't have said it any better.

I don't know why, but I'm always like this. When I'm happy or excited or simply in a good mood, it just shows. My face would light up straight away. I get hyped up for no apparent reason. I would find myself in a constant need to write something. Because, believe me, I only have good things to say about Huwaina.

I'm well aware of the fact that I don't possess the ability to take good photos. Or the talent to paint some good shit. However I know I can write well. And yes, I will eternally use it to my full advantage.

The real definition of happiness

Seumur hidup tak pernah ada anak buah kegemaran, but right now, Huwaina's my favorite. She's definitely something else. My heart melts every time I hold her in my arms. So cute. So very cute. ♥

Selayang pandang

1. Aku baru perasan, tulisan dalam bentuk senarai begini adalah mudah ditulis, tetapi dalam masa yang sama, ia juga begitu mudah dilupakan. Ia sesuai untuk bacaan sepintas lalu, dan jarang meninggalkan kesan apa-apa. Dalam kebanyakan waktu, aku sendiri tak mampu ingat apa yang telah ditulis.

2. My train of thoughts are full with random stuff. I need to let it all out, before it creates continuous loop inside my head.

3. Huwaina datang ke rumah aku hari ini. And I'm the happiest being in the world right now. Keluar berdating dengan perempuan pun tak sebegini mengujakan.

4. Huwaina dah pandai berjalan. Kali terakhir kami berjumpa tempoh hari, dia masih lagi dalam fasa merangkak. Dah tumbuh dua batang gigi bawah. Rambut dah semakin panjang. Dan masih lagi hulur tangan suruh aku dukung walaupun dah pandai berjalan. Oh how sweeeeeet.

5. I took lotsa photos of her, because she's the cutest being in the world and God knows how much I fancy her existence.

6. Stay cute. Don't grow up so fast, will you?

7. "Menikah lekaih." Dan tak pasal-pasal aku kena paksa kahwin bila mereka tengok aku leka melayan Huwaina.

8. Little did they know, I'm planning on kidnapping her and move someplace else. Shhhh, don't tell anyone.

From color to black and white

1. Generally, I'd consider myself as a lazy person. I always opt for the simplest solution. If I'm willing to travel miles for you, do appreciate my effort, will you?

2. I grew up never idiolizing anyone. I never really look up to someone famous or successful or those who are far more senior. I don't care if you make more money than I do, well... good for you.

3. Makanan kegemaran aku cuma ada tiga. Yang aku mampu sentiasa makan tak kira tempat dan masa. Nasi lemak, laksa dan KFC. You see, I'm a very low maintenance kind of person. Jarang nak mengidam benda-benda fancy. 

4. Raya Aidilfitri dah lama habis, dan aku masih kurus. I'm proud of you, dear Self.

5. Zaman remaja aku dah lama habis. I've done all kind of crazy stuff back then. For now, let me savor the taste of adulthood.

6. I know everyone's going to outdo me in their respective career for the next few years. But the question remains, by how much?

7. Pekan kecil ini tak ada segala-galanya. Tetapi pekan kecil ini adalah segala-galanya.

8. Love will always find its way to put me into vulnerable position. If I could turn back time, I want to punch my old self so hard.

9. Jumpa puisi yang aku baca, dan aku terus suka.

10. Selamat hari Jumaat. Have a good day everyone!

Good day

1. I'm bored. So, I write.

2. Tempoh hari, ada seorang pakcik berbangsa India datang kepada aku untuk berbual. "Bulan depan saya sudah mau start bawak teksi. Sikit hari saya mari bayar semua hutang. Taboley tahan la bikin kerja subcon. Saya bikin kerja, wang semua keluar, gaji pekerja lagi mau bayar, apa untung pun tarak. Kepala banyak pening. Hati lagi sakit." Aku tak berapa nak percaya sebenarnya, tetapi mengenangkan ia sekadar amaun yang tak begitu merisaukan, maka tak mengapa-lah.

3. "Saya kalau bini satu orang, saya banyak senang la. Sekarang dua rumah mau bayar sewa, bil elektrik sama bil air, semua barang mau pakai wang." Oh ya, dia beristeri dua. Nahh, why should I care? I'm not interested in his life story.

3. Tetapi aku faham perasaan pakcik ini. Kalau hidup ini sekadar untuk menguruskan komitmen diri sendiri dan tanpa ada apa-apa beban tanggungjawab kepada keluarga atau sesiapa, aku juga tak perlu pening kepala memikirkan banyak perkara. But no, that's just not how life works for me right now.

4. Nuh-uh, I wouldn't trade my family for the world.

5. Lagu kegemaran minggu ini: Elijah Blake - Beloved.

6. Macam orang Korea cakap, "gaseumeun geojinmal an hae."

Rabu yang macam Isnin

1. I'm sensing a new pattern now. Untuk menulis sekerat jalan, dan kemudian hilang punca untuk (cuba) habiskan.

2. Tidur waktu Maghrib dan mimpi yang sungguh philosophical.

3. It's not exactly rocket science. You follow someone on Twitter for quite some time, you will eventually catch on with their online behavior and persona, or the way they carry and defend themselves, or what kind of conversation that will keep them going or certain words and sentences they use. Mehh, nothing surprises me anymore.

4. In other words, yes, I analyze people for fun.

5. Be careful with your words and promises. Ramai orang tak sedar tentang hal ini, dan sewenang-wenangnya bercakap dan berjanji itu ini. In any kind of argument, more often than not, I'll be using - no, not my own words - but yours against you. It's an easy checkmate.

6. Most people can't handle cold hard truth about themselves, I kid you not. Just a little reminder, life isn't always rainbows and butterflies, my dear.

7. Dah hampir bulan September, dan masih lagi belum keluar bercuti ke mana-mana. Ini sesuatu yang menyedihkan.

8. "You're so full of yourself." Please, please, please, tell me something I don't know.

9. Emotionally drained, that's the word I'm looking for.

10. Have a good day, people. Thank you for reading.

A desperate cry for help

1. Major props to the hairstylist who cut my hair. I couldn't find the right style that fits me best in a long time. Thank you so much.

2. He keep on asking how was the haircut. "Okay tak?" Dia tanya. "Okay. Good. All is good."

3. I used to go to a place where they charged me thirty ringgit for a goddamn simple haircut. Memanglah kemas dia gunting rambut aku. Tapi tiga puluh ringgit... matilanak.

4. I've been in a phase before where I bought a lot of unnecessary extensive skin care and hair care products. Ternyata sebuah usaha untuk menjadi metroseksual tak datang dengan harga yang murah. Mehh, I'm better off with a slacker look anyway.

5. Grief is a normal process, but don't lose yourself.

6. Tentang nombor lima, kadangkala terpaksa pujuk diri dengan kata-kata yang menyelesakan hati.

7. Stop (trying) to hurt other people, dear Self. Let go of your resentment. Let go of your past. Trust me, you'll feel better. A whole lot better.

8. I've changed a lot over the years. Overall I think I'm a better person to be around with. And I'm not that difficult to handle anymore. Although sometimes, I honestly don't know why I'm acting mean, harsh, and irrational for no apparent reason. It was never my intention to be hurtful. I'm really really sorry.

9. I know I'm a lost cause. But please do good, dear Self. And be good to other people.

10. Perlu sentiasa berpesan kepada diri sendiri bahawa bahagian dan rezeki masing-masing adalah berbeza antara satu sama lain, dan sentiasalah bersyukur dengan apa yang Tuhan bagi untuk kehidupan ini.

11. I really can't stress how key this is: I should never ever let my words hurt anyone.

12. Walaupun rasa sungguh tak terdaya nak menghadapi dan melawan hidup ini seorang diri, but I'm going to fight until the end. Doakanlah. Doakanlah. Doakanlah.

Cahaya lampu neon

1. I like to rush in the morning. To deliberately give myself some sense of urgency. Bangun, capai tuala, terus mandi, pakai baju, sembahyang Subuh, minum segelas air, capai kunci kereta, cucuh sebatang rokok, dan terus keluar rumah. No early breakfast, no morning conversation, no bullshit, no nothing. Talk about self-discipline, ey?

2. Bila kerja dah hampir selesai, dan situasi kelam-kabut dah reda, aku akan pulang ke rumah, y'know, for some me time. Now, this is where my real morning begins. Main dengan Tiger dan Hoya, makan kuih atau nasi lemak, pasang lagu-lagu kegemaran, hisap rokok, baring di ruang tamu, tatal timeline Twitter atau Instagram, bikin kacau dalam grup WhatsApp, dan menulis sedikit sebanyak.

3. In other words, yes, my life is good.

4. Belum ada kesempatan untuk dengar (dua) album baru Frank Ocean. Oh, how sad.

5. I'm trying to say this without sounding like a gay, but I think male K-pop star voices are far more vibrant and unique than the female ones.

6. One of my biggest challenge in life is to convince my friends to read my writing. I'd consider most of them as a non-reader. They just simply don't read. I think strangers would find my writing as somewhat amusing and lively. Well, that's because they don't know me personally.

7. If you listen to Ed Sheeran and think your music taste are superior than me, allow me to say this: go fuck yourself.

8. And with that being said, your opinion means less than a squat to me.

9. I'm always useless in a sudden situation, where I got a little bit off guard and I don't have time to plan anything. Tempoh hari, secara tak sengaja bertembung dengan crush yang, ya Tuhanku, cantik gila babi. Hell, couldn't even bring myself to say simple hi to her. I feel like choking myself to death.

10. Mizaru, Kikazaru, Iwazaru.

Checkmate

1. We pulled a silly prank on Aisyah last night, and it was damn hilarious. Haikal cheekily put a fake plastic cockroach in front of the toilet entrance. The moment she opened the door, fuck me, I might have just heard the loudest scream ever in my entire life.

2. The second loudest goes to the woman I used to go out with. We were in the car, having a heated argument, and I said to her, "stop being irrational."

3. "I'm not being irrationaaaaaaal!" Believe me, it was so loud. Aku terus terkedu, telan air liur, tak tahu nak balas apa.

4. Isnin yang melelahkan.

5. Did I just say Isnin yang melelahkan? Yes, indeed.

6. Entah siapa yang memandai associate warna kulit gelap dengan tak cantik aku pun tak tahu. Berkulit cerah tak semestinya secara magis jadikan seseorang itu cantik.

7. I convinced myself that I was so in love before. Now that she's gone for good, no, not really, I don't think I ever was. Because right now, I don't miss her or her presence in my life. But I do miss the idea of having someone to talk with. Now, that's the real problem here.

8. If anything, jangan percaya dengan manusia yang cilok ayat bunga-bunga daripada Tumblr semata-mata nak kagumkan seseorang. Please, have a little respect for yourself.

9. Bak kata seorang kawan, kekecewaan sebenar adalah bila lalu sebelah awek lawa yang tak pakai perfume.

10. Found a bunch of old photos on Facebook from my college years dated back to 2010. A combination of young, naive, poor, stupid self all in one go.

11. Generally, men are good at hiding their true colors. Kau kenal satu sama lain tak sampai setahun nak terus kelam-kabut kahwin, well... with no intention of being sarcastic whatsoever, I say good luck :-)

12. Just a little heads up: blind faith won't get you very far, namsayin'?

13. Ketupat palas dalam bulan Zulkaedah. This is new.

14. Baru perasan selama ini aku sebut tupperware sebagai tepaware. Te- as in tepi. Pa- as in panas. Tepaware.

15. Especially from me, no? Ah-ha, I knew it!

Kegilaan hari Isnin

"Show me your hands."

Kemudian dia belek telapak tangan kanan aku. Dia tengok garis apa entah, dan dia kata, "rezeki hang banyak halangan ni."

Kemudian dia beralih semula ke telapak tangan kiri aku pula, belek punya belek, dia pandang aku dan cakap, "hang tak ada jodoh."

I smiled, and kept a straight face. I was trying hard not to laugh or anything. Punbegitu, sedikit sebanyak, kini aku semacam mengerti apa perasaan manusia infertile bila diberitahu oleh doktor, "you can't have a baby."

Dan untuk mengakhiri ritual tilik nasib ini, dia pegang belakang badan aku, kemudian bertanya, "Hang ada masalah ka? Hati hang kelabu ni."

I was hoping he would say I have a very dark soul or I'm a spawn of satan or something. But mehh, kelabu works fine too.

Kalau orang tanya aku secara jujur, aku akan beritahu bahawa kerja menilik nasib ini adalah sesuatu yang delusional, bangang dan maha karut. You can analyze, or assume, or judge, but you can't never know for sure, even the tiniest bit of someone's life.

I don't know why this pakcik insisted on being superstitious. Itu belum masuk lagi cerita dia merapu tentang kiamat akan tiba dalam masa empat tahun, syurga, neraka, yada yada yada.

Hati kecil aku terdetik, pakcik ini dah gila kot. Atau mungkin jenis selalu baca majalah Mastika atau tonton Misteri Nusantara. Atau mungkin sewaktu dia masih kanak-kanak, dikelentong oleh seseorang bahawa dia ada kebolehan luarbiasa.

As this age, I'm living life just as it is. Never ever come to me and talk about my future or destiny. You haven't earned the right to do so.

Kerana di akhirnya, aku rasa macam nak tepuk bahu pakcik ini perlahan-lahan dan berpesan, "Next time, please, pretty please. Tell me something I don't know, will you?"

Defeated

1. Dalam dunia yang kini rata-ratanya menjual burger tepi jalan bermula dengan harga tiga ringgit ke atas, masih ada yang menjual dengan harga lebih rendah daripada itu. And it goes without saying, they're the real MVP.

2. Kadangkala aku tak salahkan orang yang letak harga makanan tinggi sedikit daripada harga pasaran semasa. Dalam situasi hidup yang serba menekan, setiap orang ada alasan mereka yang tersendiri.

3. I'm always nice to other people. To friends and loved ones? Hmm, not so much.

4. He tried since Beijing 2008. Can't help but to feel a bit sorry for him. Kalau orang lain yang masuk bertanding pada perlawanan akhir ini, aku fikir kalah pun tak mengapa. But it's him, on his fucking third attempt to win a gold medal, we were genuinely rooting for him.

5. Aku ada masalah dengan manusia yang tak boleh terima hakikat. I can't understand why people are making such a big deal over a news headlines saying that he failed to win a gold medal. You can sugarcoat it all you want , but he indeed tried and failed to win a gold medal. Learn to accept that harsh truth. But mind you, three consecutive silver medals are nothing to be ashamed of. That was a tremendous achievement.

6. Don't fucking pull a whataboutism on me. I have nothing against his achievements. It's you people who are making me sick.

7. Let me be a dictator. Aku akan sula semua manusia bangang dalam dunia ini.

8. Tak nampak gaya macam mana nak beli rumah tahun ini. Money, where you at?

9. Like I said, family first above anything else. Kalaupun ia bermakna aku terpaksa lupakan apa-apa impian diri sendiri dalam hidup ini, so be it. Fucking be it.

10. I'm taking the phrase no-it's-not-you-it's-me to the whole new level.

11. If you're reading this, tolong doakan yang baik-baik untuk hidup aku. May God ease everything. Amen.

Your loss

1. Watched a badminton game between Lee Chong Wei and Lin Dan, then went out for a snooker session with friends, lepak some more, and finally took an aimless drive around town for about ten minutes before I headed back home.

2. Kemudian tonton perlawanan akhir badminton beregu lelaki, yang nyaris buatkan jantung aku terkeluar dari dada. Fucking hell, the excitement was real and intense.

3. Selaku seorang pesimis untuk meletakkan sedikit harapan kepada perkara sebegini adalah sesuatu yang di luar jangkaan sama sekali.

4. Semua benda dalam dunia ini ada elemen politikal. If you want it to be that way.

5. Don't flatter yourself, my dear. You're just a tiny little chapter of my life.

6. Dan secara tiba-tiba, semua orang suruh aku kahwin secepat mungkin. Apakah?

7. I have a limited vocabulary range and can only use, converse, and write using simple English. Dengan keupayaan yang terbatas ini, tipu-lah kalau aku cakap aku tak kecewa dengan diri sendiri.

8. I know my limits. Tetapi syukur kepada Tuhan, tatabahasa aku tak berapa tunggang-langgang dan membabi buta.

9. Sewaktu di kolej, aku masih ingat ritual sebelum masuk tidur rakan sebilik. Dia akan hisap sebatang rokok di luar rumah, kemudian ke bilik air untuk mencuci muka dan menggosok gigi, kemudian salin pakaian, tutup lampu bilik, baring di sebelah aku, belek handphone sambil muka menghadap arah bertentangan. Bila masing-masing dah habis belek handphone, kami akan berbual tentang apa-benda-entah sampai salah seorang terlena.

10. Dia beritahu, setiap malam dia akan baca semula pesanan teks yang dihantar oleh teman wanitanya (oh yeah, they got married two or three months ago). Aku ingatkan aku seorang sahaja yang suka buat benda sebegitu.

11. But unlike him, aku baca semula pesanan teks yang aku hantar keluar. Bitch please, say what you want about me, but my random long ass text messages are fucking gold.

12. 2AM now, I'mma go to sleep.

Menghampiri garis penamat

1. Jubah telanjang, bak kata seorang kawan.

2. Gakkai wa bwa neol haechiji anha.

3. Orang yang eja husband jadi shuben ini, eloklah kita anggap waktu kecil dia tak dapat cukup zat dan khasiat untuk tumbesaran otak yang sihat.

4. Sorry honey, I don't have a sympathetic shoulder for you to cry on. But a sympathetic crotch works the same, no?

5. Sarah Snyder is the closest thing to heaven I've ever known.

6. And to remind myself it's okay if I can't afford to be happy all the time. Gotta learn how to make peace with it. Because if I keep on telling myself lies and pretending everything's alright, things only gonna get worse.

7. Akan selamanya menggemari lagu How Deep is Your Love oleh Calvin Harris.

8. Pantang tok nenek aku dengan orang yang buat kerja sikit-sikit, separuh jalan, tak siap. If you don't want to do it, just say it and leave it at that.

9. If you think I'm such a nice being, lovey dovey, sweet as fuck, go ahead and tell that to my friends. Mereka pasti akan ketawa, dan geleng kepala, "Apa yang Alep dah tipu kau ni sampai kau ingat dia baik?"

10. My words cut deeper than a knife. I'll stab you right in your fucking face. You hear me?

11. Dua surat saman perangkap had laju sampai ke rumah. Satu aku punya. Satu lagi Ayah punya. Ada sesiapa boleh tolong pinjamkan RM600 tak?

12. Terpaksa bahagikan perbelanjaan diri kepada dua bahagian dalam usaha untuk menyimpan duit dengan kadar optimum. Priority vs. non-priority. I think it's easier that way.

13. I'mma get a haircut today.

Your opinion means squat to me

If there's one thing I've learned, it's that never to be ashamed with my own music taste and preferences.

Kita (lihat betapa selfishly aku guna perkataan kita, demi untuk tidak menanggung beban ini seorang diri) hidup bertemankan pelbagai jenis genre musik. Ada yang bagus. Ada yang tak bagus. And it's freakin' everywhere. Buka radio, ada seribu satu macam lagu diulangsiar sepanjang hari. Buka peti tivi, serupa. Buka Spotify dan YouTube, serupa. Pengaruh elemen luar, tidak dapat tidak, sedar atau tak sedar, sedikit-sebanyak mempengaruhi pengalaman kendiri sewaktu mendengar musik.

I listened to a lot of pop mainstream songs. There's no denying it. Malah, siap boleh sing-along lagu Style oleh Taylor Swift daripada mula sampai habis. What's there not to love? Ia catchy, mudah, lekas, dan ada kecenderungan untuk melekat dalam kepala bila didengar berulangkali.

It takes wisdom to differentiate between good and bad music. Kalau orang tanya sama ada lagu Ed Sheeran bagus atau tidak, maka sudah tentu aku jawab, mehhh biasa je.

Kerana bagi aku, kebanyakan lagu mamat ini terkesan generik dan bermain di sekitar susunan musik yang mirip antara satu sama lain dan sering memanipulasi lirik jiwang meleleh dalam skala tak masuk akal. Malah tak keterlaluan kalau nak cakap Ed Sheeran ini adalah Taylor Swift versi lelaki. Yang, obviously, tak berapa handsome.

Funny story. Aku beritahu beberapa orang kawan tentang obsesi baru terhadap musik K-pop. One of them told me, "kalau kau suka, mesti semua orang okay. Kalau aku suka, mesti semua orang kutuk. Macam gampang."

Ha ha ha the perk of being an alpha male. Tetapi itu cerita lain. Maka, lupakan.

Dan macam aku cakap tadi, kalau orang tanya K-pop ini tergolong dalam kategori bagus atau tidak, aku akan jawab tak bagus. Tetapi perlu difahami, bahawa musik sebegini dibikin untuk memenuhi tuntutan dan selera mass audience. Say what you want, but this kind of music really sells. Ia mendepani budaya konsumerisme, dan berbolak-balik antara rantaian supply and demand.

Ada banyak benda aku nak merapu tentang ini, tapi aku malas tulis jadi eloklah aku berhenti di sini.

This is not the end. This is not the beginning.

Perhaps I've been looking at it all wrong. I didn't realize how crucial it was to twist things around a little bit and then perceive the whole situation differently, in order to be able to prevent this major setback sooner and quicker.

Emotional suppression was never a good idea to begin with. And honestly, I don't think I ever got out of my loneliness phase. It never really went away. It's always there. It hides. It lurks. It subsides somewhere only God knows. Because the moment I'm done being happy or simply stop having fun, I often found the same old loneliness vibes resurfaced back again.

But all is well. All is good. My willingness to admit that I'm having an emotional conflict within self are far more important than anything else right now. And not to forget, my willingness to - sometimes - admit defeat but never give up on the pursuit of bettering myself.

Keep on fighting, dear Self. Keep on fighting.

Kucing duduk dalam sangkar

1. Even when it's a one-way street, train yourself to always look both ways before crossing the road. Sama juga dalam hidup, sentiasa-lah berwaspada dalam apa jua situasi, walaupun ia nampak mudah dan senang pada permukaan.

2. Haikal is a very organized little kid. Sebagai contoh, petang Jumaat dia dah siap susun buku letak dalam beg untuk hari Isnin. When I was his age, aku sumbat seeeeeeemua buku dalam beg yang boleh dianggarkan seberat empat atau lima kilogram ke sekolah.

3. Balik dari kelas mengaji, Haikal menyanyi lagu Kill Em with Kindness. Entah mana dia dengar, aku pun tak pasti.

4. Selalunya betul apa yang orang cakap. Sesiapa yang mengaku dirinya perangai gila-gila, fun, bla bla bla, tak fun tara mana pun sebenarnya.

5. Kali terakhir gunting rambut adalah seminggu sebelum hari raya. I'm in serious need of a haircut.

6. Dalam phone ini, ada banyak nombor dan nama yang aku sendiri tak berapa cam. Kebanyakannya initials A, B, C, D, atau nama-nama pelik seperti Adnan Pengakap, Cinta Hati (I swear to God, I can't remember who she is), Ais, Report, Hello, Siapa Dia dll.

7. Sibuk dengan kerja sejak kebelakangan ini. Banyak benda aku nak kena fikir. 

8. Google Translate berfungsi (secara optimum) untuk terjemah perkataan, bukan ayat panjang. Tolong jangan jadi bodoh sangat, boleh tak?

9. Latest update on current search for Nona Manis: on hold.

10. Sedang dalam dilema sama ada untuk minat Jennie atau Jisoo secara lebih serius.

11. 2AM, okay I go to sleep now. I know you people will be reading this tomorrow, so... fuck you.

Kucing cakar karpet

1. Ada masalah untuk lelap sejak kebelakangan ini. Tak pasti apa punca, tapi bila tengok jam pukul tiga pagi dan masih tak mengantuk, ia sesuatu yang langsung tak kelakar.

2. Ada syurga khas untuk manusia yang bila keluar bilik air selepas mandi, mereka tinggalkan bau haruman gel mandian segenap ruang.

3. "Hai menantu mak," seorang makcik yang aku kenal tegur pagi tadi. Aku tak tahu nak beri reaksi apa, maka aku ketawa sedikit dan kemudian tersenyum.

4. I'm no longer lelaki kegemaran kamu. I'm now menantu kegemaran mak kamu.

5. Lagu kegemaran minggu ini: Cold Cold Man by Saint Motel.

6. ♫♫ You're the only one worth seeing

         The only place worth being

         The only bed worth sleeping's

         the one right next to you ♫♫

7. Discovered a new (good) song, and I'm happy as can be.

8. Kucing aku nama Tiger. Anjing jiran selang beberapa buah rumah dari aku juga nama Tiger. Kucing kawan aku juga ada nama Tiger. Ini satu kebetulan yang menggembirakan.

Man-struating

Tak pasti kenapa, tapi dua tiga hari kebelakangan ini macam letih nak melayan kerenah manusia. Don't come to me with your petty drama, please?

Kucing baring atas sejadah

1. Soalan-soalan laconic. Yang tak memberi apa-apa makna.

2. Tunjuk sepasang kasut yang aku jumpa di Instagram kepada seorang kawan. "Look at this. Cantik gila," I said. "Ahh beli buat apa, nanti bukan pakai sangat pun." Damn it, she knows me too well.

3. Entah macam mana nak hilangkan bau durian yang melekat kuat dalam kereta. It's been two weeks already.

4. Boring conversation that didn't spark my interest to keep on typing like a maniac.

5.

6.

7. 

Kucing makan ikan

1. Today, is my rest day. And by that, I mean no snooker or lepak session, no going out at night, no nothing. Just plain duduk rumah dendiam dan masuk tidur awal.

2. I need to start taking good care of myself. I need to always stay healthy.

3. I seriously need to stop writing notes in point form. It's really really damaging. Can't even sustain the same level of excitement to write longer sentences or paragraphs. Baru separuh jalan tulis sebuah nota panjang, dah malas sambung.

4. Macam Frank Ocean cakap, "We'll go down this road, until it turns from color to black and white."

5. Handsome figures in my bank account, please stay that way.

6. Setiap kali duit mula masuk, maka aku akan ambil sedikit amaun untuk belanja diri sendiri sesuatu. Malam tadi aku beli dua bungkus roti cokelat dan sekotak air soya. Entah kenapa, tapi tiba-tiba teringin.

7. Ada neraka khas untuk manusia yang setiap kali aku tanya anak mereka umur berapa tahun, mereka jawab dalam bentuk berapa bulan.

8. Fuck you, I ain't gonna do the math.

9. "Kalau awok ade GTR sebijik, jangan harap le nak kawan dengan kome dah." - Raja Muhammad Aliff versi takbur.

10. Okay now, go fuck yourself.

Kucing panjat naik atas bumbung

1. Been having nightmares for the past few weeks. Untuk syaitan yang selalu ganggu tidur aku, well... fuck you.

2. Always tell people things they want to hear. Believe me, compliment goes a longggggg way.

3. "You're funny ha ha ha."

"Omaigod nice shoes."

"You're beautiful."

"You can do it!"

"That dress suits you well."

"Sedapnya you masak."

4. Mind you, I say those things not to make you feel good about yourself. For all I care, I just want to score some brownie points, i.e. "Awww, Alep is being nice to me."

5. See, I'm a genius manipulative being. And yes, an asshole.

6. Mengantuk gila babi, dan bercadang untuk tidur sepanjang petang.

7. Slow Monday, as always.

8. "Let me have my sleep first. And then I wanna tell you all about my weekend activities! Dah, syuh syuh..." Yes, I'm still clingy. And always will be.

9. About number 8: Old habits die hard.

10. Chou Tzu-Yu is bae.

Kucing minum susu

1. Last night was fun. Tengok penyokong Perak bergaduh dengan penyokong JDT lebih mengujakan daripada tengok perlawanan bola sepak yang main macam entah apa-apa.

2. In violence we trust!

3. And curry mee session past midnight with good friends to end my hectic Saturday.

3. I sat next to her, and thought to myself, "It would be nice to drive aimlessly around town with you, listen to the new shitty pop songs on the radio, go to pasar malam to buy jagung bakar, take a stroll in the park, hold your hand firmly while jaywalking, complain about bad drivers on the road, book a hotel and go someplace, grocery shopping together."

4. "Let's settle down," I whispered. And I giggled immediately.

5. "Hah? You cakap apa perlahan sangat tak dengar." I replied nervously, "Takde apa-apa la."

6. Ada lagu Let It Go oleh James Bay bermain dalam kepala setiap kali aku terkenang benda-benda nostalgik dalam hidup ini.

7. Now I kinda get why people hate JDT fans. They're fucking annoying. Bila satu orang tak suka kau, itu tak mengapa. Tetapi bila semua orang tak suka kau, bitch please, you're the problem here.

8. [Deleted]

9. "No movies, no dinner, no fancy stuff." Seorang kawan perempuan beri nasihat untuk sentiasa bawa perempuan yang aku baru kenal pergi sama ada casual lunch atau semudah minum petang. According to her, anything other than that is fairly unacceptable. Tetapi cuma seperkara yang aku tak ikut. Sebab semua yang aku pernah kenal, first thing first, aku pelawa keluar makan malam.

10. Her advice has proved to be somewhat useful. First meeting are always about making good initial impression and sustaining the flow of the conversation. Kalau dua benda ini tak capai piawaian, maka susah untuk bawa diri kepada perjumpaan kedua, ketiga, keempat dan seterusnya.

11. Maybank adalah seekor babi dalam bentuk servis perbankan.

12. Orang yang - setiap kali bosan tak ada idea nak buat apa - pergi pusat beli-belah, aku andaikan mereka ini manusia yang tak syiok untuk dijadikan sebagai kawan.

13. Slow Sunday, just the way God intended it to be.

Kucing makan di dapur

1. I'm not the one who quick to forget. Ini suatu perkara yang terkesan menyusahkan.

2. Perhaps I don't really miss her. But I do miss the usual routine. Ambil situasi kerja, misalnya. Katakanlah aku ambil keputusan untuk berhenti kerja. Sebaik sahaja berhenti kerja, maka aku bakal dapati waktu kerja aku (pukul tujuh pagi sehingga dua petang) ini tidak diisi dengan apa-apa aktiviti. Ia serta-merta bertukar menjadi sebuah ruang kosong yang sia-sia. Dalam erti kata lain, berhenti kerja tak sepatutnya diganti dengan tidak bekerja. Ia harus dipenuhi dengan sesuatu yang - sama atau lebih - bermakna.

3. Ini yang terjadi sebenarnya. Analogi-nya begitu. Perempuan Paling Cantik Dalam Dunia left a huge void in my life. Kehilangan dirinya tak mengapa, aku boleh terima. Tetapi ruang kosong ini tidak diisi segera dengan sesuatu yang bermakna, menyebabkan aku semacam terpinga-pinga tersekat di satu daerah yang sungguh asing.

4. Aku dengan penuh sedar, faham segala-galanya yang berlaku dalam hidup ini.

5. My friends and I, we talked about this. Kalau orang tanya secara spontan, sama ada aku ada rancangan untuk tukar kerja atau berhijrah keluar dari Sitiawan, sudah tentu aku akan segera jawab tidak. Gila ke apa nak tinggalkan segala-galanya yang aku dah usahakan selama beberapa tahun dengan penuh susah-payah.

6. Tetapi ini jawapan mudah kepada soalan yang tidak begitu jelas konteks pertanyaannya. Kenapa nak kena berhijrah? Kenapa nak kena tukar kerja? Kenapa nak susahkan diri? Kenapa itu? Kenapa ini? What's in there for me? Jadi kami sepakat berpendapat bahawa jawapan ini mampu berubah tiga ratus enam puluh darjah jika kena dengan caranya dan ada perancangan yang teliti. Kerana perkara sebegini perlukan sedikit masa untuk difikirkan secara lebih mendalam.

7. About number 5 and 6: the point is, have faith in me. Once I commit to something, believe me, I'm willing to sacrifice everything. You fucking hear me? Everything.

8. Kelam-kabut nak pi mana? Tenang, hidup ini jauh lagi perjalanannya.

9. You're not afraid of dying. You're afraid of not living quite enough.

8. Tak tahu siapa yang lagi loser. Aku yang menulis benda bangang ini pada hari Sabtu, atau orang yang baca benda bangang ini pada hari Sabtu. Mehh ain't care. Dah tepi, tepi. Nak pi makan kenduri.

Kucing duduk dalam kotak

1. Seorang kakak puji aku handsome pagi ini. Aku senyum, sambil dalam hati balas, "huhuhuhu macehhh."

2. Whatever happened to Perempuan Paling Cantik Dalam Dunia?

3. For the record, whenever I drop the L bomb on somebody, things always gonna get messy. I honestly don't know why.

4. Let me be very clear: we're heading nowhere, my dear. But as always, I'm capable of creating false sense of direction to keep you around.

5. Never ever underestimate me. I repeat, never ever underestimate me.

6. One of my cats died this morning. Ia satu tragedi yang sungguh memilukan.

7. I never took my anger out on anybody. Bila marahkan sesuatu atau seseorang, jangan tala kemarahan ini kepada orang lain atau jadi moody sepanjang hari. That's just plain not nice.

8. Pukul 10 pagi, seorang kawan hantar pesanan teks, "macam biasa." Apa yang macam biasa, that's for me to know, and for you to find out.

9. Bak kata Kai, "stop looking at me with those eyes, like I could disappear and you wouldn't care why."

10. Bitter version of me: Mampos korang la nak buat apa hujung minggu ni. Pedulitaik pulak aku.

Kucing tidur bawah meja

1. Went to sleep at 2AM. Because I was up all night playing with my phone. Everything is so mesmerizing. The display is bright and crystal clear. I've been living with faulty phone screen for far too long, sampai dah lupa apa perasaan untuk menatap skrin yang sempurna.

2. Happiness in the smallest details.

3. Teman wanita kawan aku yang selalu guna bahasa Sarawak untuk letak caption gambar di Instagram. I'm having a difficult time tyring to grasp the meaning of each words. Sepatah apa pun tak faham.

4. "I thought you own the business." People often say this to me. Tak faham kenapa orang hairan bila aku cakap yang aku juga makan gaji. Daripada apa yang aku belajar lama dahulu, that's the right way of doing it. Set aside a portion for your own salary, dan apa-apa lebihan yang aku dapat dibiarkan tidak terusik melainkan untuk hal-hal tertentu.

5. I'mma try to do something big before I reach the age of 30. Doakanlah semoga segalanya dipermudahkan Tuhan.

6. I think the key to be good at playing snooker is confidence. Well... that and talent as well. When you're trying to pull a difficult shot, always believe in yourself.

7. Frank Ocean - Thinkin Bout You (Ryan Hemsworth bootleg)

8. Khamis yang perlahan, but I ain't care.

9. Seumur hidup tak pernah beli kucing. Semua yang aku pernah dan sedang bela, datang atau dikutip entah dari merata-rata tempat. Stray cats when being well-fed and taken care of, juga akan memiliki bulu bersih, badan sihat dan perangai manja.

10. Perkara bangang yang perlu segera dibendung adalah manusia yang memakai earphone sewaktu memandu.

11. Just know that my heart's in its right place.

12. Untuk gadis cantik memandu kereta Myvi yang sudi berlumba dengan aku pagi ini, terima kasih banyak-banyak untuk sedikit elemen hiburan.

13. Okay, waktu rehat dah tamat. Mari sambung cari rezeki.

Kucing tidur lena

1. Jalan seret kaki is my thing.

2. Peter Stuyvesant masih lagi rokok kegemaran. Rokok seludope isn't my thing.

3. I can't decipher my own handwriting. So freakin' bad, I tell you.

4. Bought my first motorcycle in 2011. Dengan kadar RM150 setiap bulan selama dua tahun. Even with that small amount, I struggled to make payment on time back then. Pengurusan kewangan yang tak berapa cekap, terkial-kial dan hilang punca pasca tamat belajar.

5. Got cars to maintain and shitload of bills to pay, but I'm doing fine now. I'm still hoping things will get better, or at least remain the same.

6. I'm legit scared. Hidup ini adalah sebuah ketidaktentuan yang sentiasa tidak mahu menyebelahi.

7. I have a specific group of friends where we treat each other harshly, but everyone's okay with it. Mereka ini adalah manusia yang aku dah kenal lebih daripada sepuluh tahun. So I really don't need any other kind of assholery character in my life other than them. I can't stress how key this is, but please be nice to me. Be nice.

8. Tak pasti stesen radio apa aku pasang pagi tadi, tetapi lagu All of Me oleh John Legend menemani sepanjang pemanduan.

9. I'm in a really good mood today. Yeay to that! Masalah phone dah selesai, sekarang masa untuk selesaikan masalah lain.

10. Lagu pilihan minggu ini: Ellie Goulding - Figure 8

Blogging is dead

I should've written this a week ago. Supposedly fully in bahasa Melayu. Bukan sebab perasan English aku dah cukup bagus atau apa, tetapi aku merasakan ia sesuatu yang perlu untuk sentiasa mencuba dan terus belajar membina struktur ayat yang lebih koheren, relatable dan tidak bersimpang-siur menggunakan bahasa utama percakapan harian aku ini.

Lupakan itu. Tak penting.

I've been asking myself a lot of questions lately. What do I get from writing in this so-called sacred blog? Adakah ia enam tahun terbazir begitu sahaja menulis benda-benda syok sendiri dan hal-hal remeh yang tiada siapa peduli?

I just love to write, that much I know. And for self-betterment, I guess. In the form of a life story. Proses mencari true inner self dalam setiap tulisan tanpa mengenal erti jemu. No, I certainly don't do blogging. I detached myself from that kind of stuff long time ago. Kerana, bagi aku, blogging ini memerlukan kemahiran interaktif dan keupayaan melompat dari satu blog ke satu blog lain dengan kadar yang kerap demi membina jaringan sosial untuk, entahlah, untuk apa-apa tujuan yang difikirkan perlu.

I managed to make a few friends here and there. Melalui tulisan-tulisan maha peribadi ini, aku kenal beberapa kelompok manusia yang pelbagai. And most of them came out of nowhere, and they served as a valuable chapter in my life. Ada yang aku pernah jumpa sekali dua. Dan ada yang aku tak pernah jumpa walaupun dah kenal satu sama lain lebih daripada sekian sekian tahun. Perhaps it wasn't a friendship in the truest sense, and that's the beauty of it. Kenal sebanyak mana tak kenal. Rapat sebanyak mana tak rapat. Dan berkawan sebanyak mana tak berkawan.

Lama dahulu, aku belajar untuk menggunakan initials bagi merujuk seseorang, setelah mengerti bahawa kebanyakan manusia ini tidak akan kekal lama dalam hidup aku. So I could cut them off easily. A, B, C, D, E and so on. I mean, who cares? A could be an asshole. And B? Well, B is for beruk. As I never tire of pointing out, names create attachment. And I don't want that. Especially in my writing (unless you're really really important to me, itu lain cerita).

I never let anyone read my old stuff. My high school stuff, to be exact. Ia teruk, bangang, kebudak-budakan, naif, dan barai gila campur semua sekaligus. But other than that, it's all in here. Bermula sejak tahun 2010, bermakna daripada penghujung semester kedua di kolej sehingga tamat belajar, kemudian latihan industri, kemudian mula bekerja, dan sehingga kini.

Believe me, it's all in here. Ada manusia yang masih wujud. Ada yang dah lenyap. Ada yang semakin menghilang. Segala macam memori. Segala macam kenangan. Segala macam manusia. Segala macam ragam. Dalam bentuk ratusan ribu patah kata tentang setiap satu yang berlaku dalam hidup aku.

Kucing main tali

1. Tukang bancuh air di restoran yang aku singgah pagi ini adalah seorang makcik Kelantan. Rasa macam nak cakap, "tak payah (bancuh air) manis sangat makcik. Saya pun dah cukup manis."

2. I have a quite strong cheesy pick up lines game. Betul, tak tipu.

3. My train of thoughts are always amusing. Dalam kebanyakan waktu, ia tak tersekat-sekat dan tak hilang punca. I know exactly what I want to write. And I know how to write well.

4. Seorang kawan bercerita tentang bagaimana seorang lagi kawan dalam kalangan kami menyimpan sebanyak dua ribu ringgit setiap bulan selama dua tahun untuk persiapan majlis kahwin pada hujung tahun ini.

5. I do that as well. Dalam amaun yang lebih kurang sama setiap bulan, namun atas sebab dan alasan yang sama sekali berbeza. To each his own, I guess.

6. No, I don't really need validation from anyone. But sometimes, it would be nice and comforting when people acknowledge my effort without having to point it out so subtly for them.

7. I shall never let Loneliness consume me. Again.

8. "Apalah guna hidup (insert ridiculous shit) tapi..." Okay, lemme stop you right there. You're a fucking moron.

9. Be nice, dear Self. Be nice.