27

Happy birthday, dear Self. Live long and prosper.

@youreternalmuse (2)

1. Being an adult ini aneh sifatnya. Everything is moving so fast, sampai tak sempat to look at things from a different perspective. Which is really important actually, supaya aku dapat lihat progress diri dalam skop yang lebih luas. Sometimes I feel like keberadaan seorang Raja Muhammad Aliff ini semakin hari semakin hilang ditelan masa. Sedar sedar 24 jam dah habis. Sedar sedar sebulan dah berlalu. Sedar sedar dah masuk bulan Julai. Sedar sedar....

Most of the time I don't really know where I'm heading to. Seolah-olah ada default template yang nak taknak aku harus lalui because reality isn't always on my side. Life happens as it should. I for sure couldn't keep up with it, for the most part. Yang aku boleh buat hanyalah berhenti sejenak to acknowledge certain things or events in life. And I'll be like, "I can't believe I'm RIGHT HERE at this moment." And then I have to move on. I'm not old but I don't feel young either. I'm at a weird phase of my life. Feels like I'm transtioning into something else?

I still have a little bit of wild teenage side in me, and then there's this more laid-back and calm side trying to take control of everything right now. I'm only 27 this year. In 3 more years, I'll be 30. Mehh... 27, 30, 35, 40, 60. Potato, potahto. It doesn't matter. Kalau ditakdirkan panjang umur, peralihan usia ini satu benda yang semua orang bakal/telah/sedang hadapi. It's what I do within this timeline that really matters the most. For example, it has been 10 years since I left high school. Sepatutnya 10 tahun ini lebih daripada cukup untuk gather enough skills or knowledge, kerja, dan jadi kaya-raya.

Disclaimer: bukanlah nak cakap the idea of jadi kaya-raya ini the ultimate goal in life. That's just me. Terpulanglah kepada setiap individu untuk bina hidup macam mana sekalipun.

That, sadly, didn't happen (quite yet), and if it did, sudah tentu lah aku tak buang masa menaip benda bangang ini. But I really wish they would've taught me to plan and build my teenage years properly dalam kerangka masa 10 tahun itu. Sebab ini timeline paling crucial for teenagers I believe. Timeline yang aku sendiri tak berapa sedar aku telah hadapi. It involves a lot of trial and error. Some may succeed. Some may not.

Sebab itu ada manusia yang umur 30 lebih tapi perangai mengalahkan budak remaja. Believe you me, bukan semua orang boleh cope well dengan transition menuju alam dewasa. Aku sendiri pun terkial-kial trying to figure myself/my life out. Punbegitu, adakah seorang Raja Muhammad Aliff menganggap hidup ini satu kegagalan disebabkan dia tak jadi kaya-raya gila babi? Tak juga. Thank God I'm at a comfortable phase of my life right now. Slowly but surely, they say. I just have to look back and reflect.

Life is great as of now. Idk berapa lama aku boleh bertahan, but I pray to God aku boleh sara keluarga selagi mana aku masih hidup. Like I said, tak ada apa personal target sangat yang aku kejar, kecuali untuk jaga manusia-manusia kesayangan dengan selesa. Because they're the main reason untuk aku push diri to be better. 05 Julai

2. Aku punya threshold tunggu makanan dekat restoran selalunya, kalau ramai orang, 30 minit. Kalau tak ramai orang, 15 minit. Lebih daripada itu, 99% aku tak akan pi dah. I'm actually okay with mediocre food. Tak sedap sangat pun takpe lah, cuma jangan serve lambat je. 08 Julai 

3. Aku tak berapa pasti apa kepentingan Brendon Urie came out as a pansexual recently. But I still love his music though. And Sarah Smiles is still the sweetest lyrics he's ever written. 09 Julai

4. When talking about numbers and figures, most people tend to exaggerate, or in some cases, understate the amount of whatever the hell they're talking about. They rarely tell the whole truth. Hidup ini kena banyak amalkan konsep dengar boleh, percaya jangan. Kesimpulan di sini, janganlah mudah terpedaya, mkay? 11 Julai

5. Buka apps Lazada are equivalent to window shopping. Semua benda nampak macam penting, diskaun gila babi, dan patut dibeli but I ended up not putting anything on the cart. Because self-control, y'know. 12 Julai

6. I consider myself as a legit Perakian. I was born and raised here. But I don't possess the nuances of the local dialect. Not really. Not fully. Barely. Prolly because arwah Ibu was from Kedah. Dan walaupun Ayah pun legit from here, he don't speak like a true Perakian either. Just like me, the nuances isn't really there.

Orang Perak ini cakapnya berlenggok. Contoh paling mudah dan klise boleh tonton filem Zombi Kampung Pisang. Like that, but less. Cuma tidaklah over macam Usop Wilcha, yang buatkan aku sendiri rasa nak terajang dia sampai jatuh tertiarap daripada kerusi roda. Also Perak is a weird place. 30KM from my hometown, ada sesetengah kawasan di Pantai Remis dan sekitarnya dah mula guna loghat utara. Totally don't make any sense, padahal Penang/Kedah jauh lagi beratus kilometer.

Apatah lagi Taiping dan kawasan yang bersempadan dengan negeri utara khususnya, they don't use loghat Perak. I have a friend from Taiping yang tak reti guna loghat Perak langsung. Their sense of belonging lebih ke arah utara. The only logical explanation: their ancestors came from Siam or something and build a settlement there. Dan beranak-pinaklah keturunan mereka and refuse to change their dialects. Dan sama juga macam Ipoh, ada setengah tempat guna loghat utara, ada setengah tempat tak.

Which then creates this whole new sort of amalgamation of two different dialect. You'll get weird phrases like hampe (hangpa + deme), depe (deme + depa) and such. Dan yang lebih ekstrem, ada yang selamba campur loghat utara dan Perak in one go. I think it's okay. Beautiful and a bit retarded at the same time in its own way. Language should be able to adapt. Nak taknak bahasa/loghat/gaya bercakap akan evolve juga satu hari nanti. Apatah lagi melibatkan tempat yang banyak menerima kemasukan orang luar.

Macam daerah Manjung, we have a huge naval base and fabrication yard here. Segala macam orang luar duduk menetap dan bekerja di sini. We hear different kind of dialects on a daily basis. Orang dewasa mungkinlah susah nak terpengaruh. But kids on the other hand, mudah untuk terima pengaruh luar begini, bergaul di sekolah misalnya.

The only distinct features about the way I speak cuma tinggal bunyi akhiran perkataan. -ai jadi -ei (ramai jadi ramei, salai jadi salei, serai jadi serei). -as jadi -eh (panas jadi paneh, lemas jadi lemeh, kipas jadi kipeh), -a/ur jadi -or (gegar jadi gegor, berterabur jadi berterabor, besar jadi besor) etc.

And yes, although orang Bota/Parit dan Kuala Kangsar are practically the closest you'll get to hear loghat Perak in its truest sense, pun masih ada beza. They tend to dissmiss huruf I entirely. Aku pun tak pasti kenapa. Petai jadi peta, ramai jadi rama, kedai jadi keda. Sounds foreign to my ear. But it is what it is. 13 Julai

7. Idk man... dengar lagu-lagu rock kapak brings out all kind of emotions in me. Rasa macam nak bercinta 24/7, rasa hopeless, rasa patah hati out of nowhere, rasa terseksa jiwa raga, rasa macam me against the world, rasa macam I deserve happiness, rasa itu, rasa ini dsbnya. Issa powerful vibe, yang weirdly enough aku boleh relate sampai tahap macam tu sekali. I honestly don't know why. Other genres don't quite have the same effect on me. Not even close. Which is why aku jarang nak dengar lagu-lagu rock kapak. It's like voluntarily going on a suicide mission. Damaging effect awaits. 14 Julai

8. Semua orang tahu, stereotype Melayu pemalas are not entirely true. Tapi kenapa orang suka stereotype-kan sesuatu benda itu? Sebab lebih mudah untuk pukul rata. Dan lebih mudah untuk terima daripada melawan stigma. It's like accusing women of being a bad driver. Not entirely true. But it helps when we see one on the road, jadi kita boleh spare the disappointment or anger dan terus cakap, ahhh no wonder. Like I said, tak kira apa jenis stereotype sekalipun, everyone are equally lanjiao and useless. Dan macam biasa, tweet ini tak berniat nak selesaikan apa-apa. I just like to point that out. Thanks for coming to my TED talk. Havva good day. 17 Julai

9. Apa-apa kolektif seni, secara umumnya, bergerak untuk cari sense of belonging. Bunch of people who, I believe, are passionate enough about what they do to eventually trigger a collective movement. If you're trying to fit in, atau cuba nak cari lubuk niche dalam society, this is the place. If you're seeking for people's validation, this is the place. If you want to feel safe and secured in your newly found bubble, yes, this is the right place. There's nothing wrong with that. Human are vulnerable being. It's in our nature to seek comfort where we deemed fit or necessary.

Sebab itu bila kita cuit sikit kolektif ini, all hell breaks loose. They feel attacked. They will unconsciously enter into defensive mode. Semua orang nampak macam musuh. As if to tell, hey look at this one motherfucker yang kita tak berjaya validate untuk menyebelahi kita. Not surprising though, mengenangkan pernah ada dua tiga orang penulis/penerbit sendu tak puas hati ajak jumpa sebab aku kutuk buku depa.

Nevermind, that's a stupid old story.

On the surface, tak jauh beza pun kolektif sebegini dengan fandom k-pop (yes, you heard it here first). Sugarcoat it all you want, but that's basically it. That's the main idea. Untuk rasa selamat dalam kelompok yang meraikan tujuan yang sama.

Lupakan itu. Tak penting. Sebab sekarang aku nak bercerita pasal diri sendiri (like I always do). Why? Because fuck you, that's why.

I started writing in high school. 2008, I think. Typical embarrassing stuff. Not sure what prompted me to start. Weirdly enough I was under the impression yang aku ada sedikit bakat and I thought, hey this could be fun. I write because I can. And I'm pretty good at it by my own standards (debatable, of course, namun seorang Raja Muhammad Aliff sudah tentulah tidak peduli).

To tell you the truth, I wasn't looking for recognition. Wasn't looking for validation either. If you think I suck, yes you're probably right. If you think otherwise, well... thanks, I guess? If anything, I only crave for a little bit of attention. Sebab apalah guna menulis kalau tak ada audiens langsung, baik aku tulis dalam diari.

My audience has always been my close friends and a few random strangers. I hardly ever call myself a writer. That's kind of obnoxious. I mean... yes, I write but that doesn't necessarily makes me a writer. I've never written any serious work. I, at most, write about my life, family, friends, cats, basic philosophy, love life etc. I basically only write about things that are closely related to me. Perhaps to act as a time capsule untuk aku sendiri baca di kemudian hari. I absolutely have no interest whatsoever to educate anyone. Apatah lagi untuk sebarkan virtue atau tempek moraliti ke muka sesiapa. Go read something else. I clearly offer no such thing. If you gain something from me, hey good for you. If you gain nothing, how is that my problem?

Objectively speaking, I enjoy writing. Well... used to. The routine and process of creating sentences, I get to play around with words, I get to see how my scattered thoughts can be literally translated into cohesive structure. I feel satisfied. I feel great about myself. I feel like I'm squeezing out something good from this routine to further help shaping my understanding about, well... almost anything.

Then the fun part stopped. I no longer enjoy spending hours searching the best possible ways to decipher my own thoughts. I got so caught up with life, I couldn't keep up anymore. There's this nagging voices inside my head telling me - where are you going with this? - each time I tried to write. I keep on circling back to the starting line. Ia jadi proses yang tak lagi menyeronokkan. Terkesan menyesakkan.

It was last year. After 9 damn years, I think I kinda given up on how to fix things up. Jadi aku hentikan proses dokumentasi/autopsi diri ini and just get on with my life. It wasn't easy. Kerana kehilangan rutin ini semacam tinggalkan a huge void spaces in my life. Ah what the hell. At least I feel at ease now. However, I do miss the whole process of y'know... creating something out of nothing.

But mehh, I'm not going down that road again. We had a good run. Let's leave it at that, shall we? 19 julai

10. We can't possibly have anything in common kalau kau sebut milo jadi mai-lo. That's a big gap right there. 20 julai

11. Love is when I bought udang for my family to cook even when I don't eat udang. Love is when I buang tulang ikan to make it easier for my cats to eat. Love is when Sarah wants me to buy something for her and I say use your own money and she'll be like okay but I still ended up paying. Love is when I let the air-conditioner running even when I'm not in my room because my cat is still sleeping in there. Love is when one quick simple interaction with one of my favorite person in life makes me feel warm and happy. Love is when I bought 12 biji durian for my family even when I don't eat durian. Love is when I play with newborn kittens and I want to squeeze them real hard because why you're shoooo cute omaigod. 20 Julai

12. Bila jumpa apa-apa produk/barang yang aku berkenan di Instagram, aku akan suruh Sarah cari dan beli di Shopee. 99% will find similar stuff dengan harga jauh lebih murah. #Protips 25 Julai

13. Galau ini perkataan yang aku nampak orang tulis puisi selalu guna. Ugly word, is what I'm tryna say. 27 Julai

14. Tetiba teringat waktu kecik bila orang tanya buah favorite, jawab buah strawberi. Padahal tak pernah makan pun lagi waktu tu. Cuma mampu bayangkan rasa dia macam mana je sebenarnya. Sekarang bila dah besar, dah makan banyak kali, baru sedar strawberry ain't shit. Takde la sedap mana pun. I think a lot of people can relate. Kita letak the idea of something up so high, sampai kita terpedaya dan percaya that's the ultimate truth. 29 Julai

15. Setelah aku kaji secara mendalam tadi, aku rumuskan fasa dewasa hidup aku ni boleh tahan lonely. And a bit depressing. Dan aku rumuskan jugak, yang aku kena constantly berpaut pada benda-benda positif dalam hidup supaya tak semudah itu ditelan kesunyian ini.

Disclaimer: bukan lonely sebab takde awek atau sebab belum kahwin.

But more like sunyi sebab adulthood ini macam terpaksa fight a battle within self almost setiap waktu. Constant struggle untuk push diri supaya sentiasa jadi yang terbaik. It's not an easy task. Letih gila kot. Kadang menang. Kadang rasa defeated. I guess hidup ini kitarannya begitulah. Ada turun naik. Ada pasang surut. Normal stuff, I guess? Like I said, aku kena sentiasa positif. Ah what the hell. Come may what, inshaAllah, mesti boleh punya. 01 Ogos

16. Mampukah seorang Raja Muhammad Aliff tweet ini tanpa sebarang repercussion daripada Skincare Twitter™? Idk but here goes: Taking a good care of your skin is one thing. Obses kumpul dan beli barang is another. 03 Ogos

17. Can't believe I went to Penang last night semata-mata nak makan nasi kandar. 6 petang keluar rumah, 1 pagi sampai balik. 300+ KM pergi-balik cenggitu je. What an idiot. Terseksa aku nak bangun pergi kerja pagi tadi. Ain't care, tengah hari ni aku nak balik rumah dan tidur sepanjang petang. Btw, siapa cakap nasi kandar Deen Maju sedap aku akan bagi penerajang. Pelancau nasi kandar subpar pun orang beratur panjang gila babi like it's the best food in the world. I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but it's not. 05 Ogos

18. I feel happy when I see her face. People say that this is the simplest form of happiness. I beg to differ. I think this is the truest torm of happiness. I seek comfort whenever possible. Untuk sentiasa dikelilingi manusia-manusia kegemaran. Untuk tahu bahawa their existence drives me forward in life. 06 Ogos

19. Tadi kengkawan semua ucap tahniah dalam group WhatsApp dekat sorang lagi kawan. Aku legit taktau apa benda yang diorang tahniahkan sebenarnya. Adakah ini harga sebuah seclusion yang aku perlu bayar? Not knowing anything about anyone's life anymore. Such is life.

In my defense, we still talk on a daily basis in group chat. But I don't really follow my friends' lives on social media. Idk man... mungkin aku tak berapa heavily invested dengan hidup peribadi orang lain I guess? 06 Ogos

20. Dari sekolah menengah lagi aku teringin nak simpan rambut panjang. Setelah berbelas-belas tahun berlalu, baru tahun ni (or maybe last year I think) dapat merasa. At least dah cecah paras bahu. If I could sum up my whole experience into a single word it'd be: mehhh.

Memula jelah serabut dan tak selesa. Dah lelama macam okay je dah biasa. But the amount of rambut gugur on my bedroom floor though, holy shit. Is it worth the hassle? Idk. But so far okay je. I read somewhere it's normal to shed between 50 and 100 hairs a day. So.... yeah.....

Cuma kalau dah tahap excessive hairfall dan kepala aku tetiba ada bald patches, memang aku gunting pendek terus. But until then, this stupid long hair gonna stay. 14 Ogos

21. Baru lepas microwaved dan makan questionable megi goreng sejuk dalam fridge sebab malas nak keluar cari proper dinner. If I die, tell my family I love 'em so much. Dah la petang tadi makan nasi lemak bungkus beli awal pagi tadi yang I think borderline dah nak basi. Idk man.... benda-benda cenggini la yang buatkan aku rasa I'm not a well-adjusted human being. 14 Ogos

22. Jangan percaya citarasa manusia yang sebelum dia puji apa-apa musik yang dia dengar, dia akan cakap, "I normally wouldn't listen to something like this, but...." 17 Ogos

23. I'm sorry, tapi aku susah nak percaya dengan manusia yang tak basahkan dia punya toothbrush dengan air sebelum dia mula berus gigi. 23 Ogos

24. Semua orang tau hisap rokok ni membazir, tak perlu bagi alasan merapu untuk justify.

People: dah tau membazir kenapa isap jugak?

Me: I'm an idiot, that's why.

Why argue. Mengaku je. Easier that way. 26 Ogos

25. All of my close friends dah kahwin. Surprisingly, as of now, this doesn't bother me one bit. Apart from not being able to lepak with them as often as before, aku rasa macam.... okay je? Takde apa yang berubah sangat pun.

I think it was a month ago, it finally dawned on me. Since I'm not getting married anytime soon, I have to be good at not getting married. You feel me? I want to take good care of my family. Earn more money. Save up as much as I can. Buy things I wanna buy. Live life like a well-adjusted human being. Idk man, those things I've mentioned, well... basically having money at my disposal, trumps all else right now.

I mean... kalau life aku or my financial status sama je dengan kawan-kawan yang dah kahwin atau yang dah ada anak, something must be wrong somewhere, namsayin'? Tak bermakna I'm tryna compete with anyone. What for? But that's essentially the idea, or the mindset, or the direction I'm heading to.

Saya sudahi tweet ini dengan secebis doa: semoga seorang Raja Muhammad Aliff dan keluarganya sentiasa murah rezeki, gembira, panjang umur dan sihat sentiasa. Amen. 27 Ogos

26. I always say stupid shit like this to my friends, "kalau aku kaya, memang aku tak kawan dah dengan kome." It's a harmless joke. But then I started thinking to myself, maybe I went through so much hardship in the past because God tryna make me a humble person. I had an entirely diff alternate script of my life right here in my head kalau aku ditakdirkan lahir dari keluarga berada. The word humble wasn't there. I am what I am today because of what I went through. And I'm forever thankful for that.

I wouldn't call myself as an optimist. That's a bit of a stretch. But every now and then, I try to paint a positive light dalam apa jua keadaan. It's the only way to keep my sanity. Let's say I'm having a bad day. Instead of complaining and whining about it, I try to think about all the good times I had. "God has given me a month full of happiness, jadi kenapa aku tak boleh nak endure this one shitty day? Everything will be just fine."

My way of thinking changes drastically. For the better, I guess. Idk man.... mungkin inilah apa yang orang panggil kematangan. Aku sedar ini bila walaupun dalam situasi tak okay, aku cuba untuk buatkan the way I feel about the whole situation harus okay, or at least bearable, while fully knowing I'm actually in deep shit. 27 Ogos

27.You're using humor to cover up your insecurities and desperation. Nothing new. Let's move along. 29 Ogos

28. Uh, I hate to burst your bubble, tapi berkulit cerah tak semestinya buatkan seseorang itu automatik jadi lawa. No wonder yang rupa nan hado pun boleh jadi famous dekat IG because you people obses sangat dengan ilusi kulit cerah = cantik. 29 Ogos

29. I just want my #8followers to know that I am where I am today in life sebab aku ada a few people yang sentiasa support aku endlessly from behind. And I'm forever thankful for their existence. Aku bersyukur sesangat dan aku harap aku takkan take them for granted selagi mana aku masih hidup. Aku doakan semua orang panjang umur dan sihat dan yang baik-baik belaka. I get anxious tiap kali aku bayangkan each of them satu hari nanti akan takde dan tinggalkan aku sensorang dan time tu kalau aku baru nak hargai pun takde guna dah so eloklah kalau aku hargai awal-awal daripada sekarang. So yeah.... I love them all. Semoga aku akan sentiasa kerja keras dan tak akan pernah malas dan marilah berharap aku akan jadi kaya gila before I turn 30. Amen. 06 September

30. I generally don't have strong feelings for food. Jadi aku tak berapa boleh faham kenapa orang selalu equate tahap kesedapan sesuatu makanan itu dengan ability aku untuk habiskannya.

Me: *finished eating two packs of nasi lemak* tak sedap langsung

Friend: tapi makan dua bungkus?

Me: ....... sebab lapar?

You know how some people would eat again shortly after just because their previous meal was a disaster? What a maniac. I ain't got no time for that. I figured mediocre meals, specifically when I eat outside, is always going to be part of my life. So why bother. Life goes on. Even my favorite restaurant pun tak sedap tara mana. I only go there because it's quiet, makanan cepat sampai dan dekat dengan rumah.

Ok, thank you for reading this shit. 07 September

31. Perkara paling memorable hari ini: fries mekdi habis berterabur dalam kereta waktu aku buat pusingan-U on my way back home. 16 September 

32. It's cute when people subliminally tryna undermine my life and lowkey tryna imply my money goes to no one else but only myself just because I'm not married. As if aku tak ada keluarga besar yang perlu ditanggung. Idk man... wanna switch places? Above all else, you yourself made a conscious decision to cough up 20-30 grand for your wedding preparation/ceremony, and now you tryna shift the guilt to other people, who have yet or not invested to experience that shit? Man... you're trippin'. What an idiot. 18 September

33. Malu dengan keluarga sendiri ini benda normal, I guess. I went through that phase when I was a teenager, predominantly during high school. Sebab dok sibuk compare parents sendiri dengan parents orang lain. Kenapa orang lain semua macam tu, dan kenapa kita tak and so on. But now, not anymore. It's just a stupid phase. But I can't speak for everyone. Sebab ada orang sampai kesudah malu dengan keluarga sendiri dan tak boleh recover dari fasa ini. The trick is to make peace with everything. With yourself, especially. Take things as it is. Try to observe/judge from a different POV/perspective. That helps a lot. Hakikat ini satu benda yang payah untuk ditelan. It's not that easy to just simply make peace with everything. It takes time. But you gotta do it man. 19 September

34. Idk man because my long hair looks great and borderline majestic, I develop a massive amount of self-confidence to not initiate the first move but to simply wait for people to ask me out on a date instead. Shampooed my hair last night and now I feel like I can conquer the whole world.

Me: *do nothing*

Enemy: Oh my God.... Your hair... So powerful.... I surrender....

Me: Heh. As you should, puny human. As you should.

Don't mind me. I'm clearly delusional. Please excuse my online behavior. 20 September

35. Perlunya untuk selalu merayau di Lazada adalah salah satu bentuk peringatan untuk diri sendiri bahawa banyak benda dalam dunia ini tidak akan pernah mampu dimiliki. 20 September

Long hair don't care

@youreternalmuse

Anything that can go wrong. Will go wrong. My life, for example.

8:50 PM - 13 Mar 2017

As I grew older, my definition of financial freedom has changed a bit. I now realized it was never about having zero debt. To not have debt is almost impossible, I must say. Unless I'm super rich. It's all about possessing power over my own money. The power to dictate the direction of where the money is going to be invested. The ability to differentiate priorities and what's not. That, to me, is the definition of financial freedom.

5:22 PM - 14 Mar 2017

Wait until she hears my opinion on how to live together.

5:43 PM - 14 Mar 2017

Ayah asked me about work the other day. How was everything and all other related stuff. I said everything's fine. Everything's under control. Same old, same old. I couldn't bring myself to tell him that I'm kinda struggling. At first I thought was struggling financially. But then I realized, no, not really. I was struggling to accept changes. Here's the thing. I'm very very rigid with my future plans. I would stick to it like my whole life and existence depends heavily on it. I'd get so frustrated when I derail off of my path. I don't know, but the entire concept of going with the flow feels superficial, and up to some point, kinda moronic to even be considered as an option. I wish I was more flexible. I wish I was more carefree. And to not worry about every single thing that was undoubtedly way beyond my expectation. Maybe I just need some more time. And a little bit more patience. As I'm still trying to sort things out carefully.

7:49 PM - 18 Feb 2018

If I've learned anything from life, janganlah berkira sangat dengan ibu bapa sendiri. Diorang nak apa, selagi termampu dan tak terbeban, bagi jelah. My old man is 55 this year. Who knows berapa lama lagi Tuhan nak bagi pinjam harta paling berharga dalam hidup aku ini. Ajal maut tak ada siapa tahu. Do good, and be good to them, dear self. Semoga Tuhan limpahi hidup ini dengan seribu satu rahmat. Amen.

8:10 PM - 19 Feb 2018

Guess it's safe to say, I'm only close to very few people. I value interaction. No matter how minimal. I mean, I have one or two friends in real life that I can talk to about almost anything. I have a bunch of good friends yang aku boleh taip/borak/kongsi apa sahaja aku mahu dalam group WhatsApp without the fear of offending one another. And here on Twitter, in this small space, there are a handful of people yang aku fikir aku hargai kewujudan mereka. To care enough about their tweets and whatever nonsense they put on my timeline. I genuinely love the exchange of thoughts and ideas with some of you people. I may not know you people on a personal level, but it doesn't matter. I cherish your existence, nevertheless. I never mix my group of friends. It's too chaotic? Entahlah, I don't feel comfortable to simply gather them all in one basket. Well... figuratively. Idk man, maybe I'm just weird like that.

5:58 AM - 21 Feb 2018

I'm having a bad hair day. And this Indian auntie tegur, "Cantik you punya rambut. Lagi panjang daripada I punya rambut." Thank you.

6:01 PM - 22 Feb 2018

Aku rasa aku macam dah makin lupakan cita-cita kecil nak ada buku sendiri. Rasa ralat sikit sebab time awal 20-an taknak pursue padahal banyak peluang/masa. Ini mungkinlah bunyi agak vain, but I can write well. I have faith in myself. You know what they say, "words are a powerful tool to communicate, influence, educate, persuade, express and impress." Aku mula faham ini bila aku sedar I can woo any girls easily with my writing. Like how an evil villain would use his superpower, macam itulah aku guna medium tulisan ini untuk tujuan itu. Imagine all that misplaced priorities kalau aku guna untuk menulis something meaningful. Dan bukan untuk kerja sia-sia macam tu. Non, je ne regrette rien. Life goes on.

6:39 PM - 22 Feb 2018

The trick to letting people think they know a lot about you is to repeat yourself over and over again. Do it subtly and religiously. Twitter is the best medium for that. I only talk about personal things yang aku tak peduli pun kalau orang tahu. Like the number of my cats. How many cars I have. My daily routine. My favorite food. My bla bla bla. Walaupun nampak macam aku banyak kongsi benda-benda personal, but no, not really. But I'm not here to catfish anyone. I'm as real as it gets. Tapi itulah, banyak benda dalam hidup ini I tend to keep to myself and my loved ones.

8:01 PM - 25 Feb 2018

I went to majlis tahlil last night organized by one of my friends. Two of his employees died recently in a motorcycle accident. Laki bini. Umur lebih kurang baya aku, lewat 20-an. Selesai baca doa, dah makan apa semua, dan tengah dok bersembang dengan dua orang kawan, datang seorang brader ke meja makan kami, holding a baby in his arm. As I was playing with this cute little baby girl, seketika lepas itu baru aku tahu bayi kecil ini anak yatim piatu. Umur tak sampai pun setahun lagi. It was both her parents who involved in that tragic accident. We then talked about death. Bagaimana hidup ini cuma satu persinggahan, yang tak ada siapa dapat jangka bagaimana pengakhirannya. Dan kami berborak tentang nasib bayi ini yang masih belum mengerti apa-apa. Kemudian kawan aku tanya, waktu Ibu meninggal dunia berapa umur aku ketika itu.

"10 tahun rasanya." Selalunya bila orang yang kenal rapat tanya soalan sebegini, aku cuma jawab ringkas. Because I remember everything clearly from A to Z and I really don't want to recall anything from that painful day. Dah nak masuk 20 tahun she left us, but I still remember her face. Her smile. Her last words to me. Her everything. Satu-satunya manusia yang paling lama aku rindu.

You know what I do tiap kali habis sembahyang? I make doa for my family happiness, rezeki, and well-being, kemudian aku doa untuk Ibu. Kemudian baru aku doa untuk diri sendiri. Exactly in that order for a very long time. I put her above myself because that's how much I love her. God knows how much I miss her. I'm trying to live my life happily even without her presence. Sebab hidup ini mesti jalan terus. And I don't want to live in the past. But yes, the memory remains. Forever.

3:11 AM - 28 Feb 2018

Lama gila tak dengar orang sebut camca as a substitute word for sudu. Harini dengar rasa macam oh woww.... I can speak loghat utara. Tapi nak imitate and replicate the exact gesture and nuance je tak berapa terer. Boleh tu, boleh la. But if I talk for a substantial amount of time, ia cenderung untuk jadi macam try hard. Lagi satu aku perasan habit diri ini, bila texting I tend to converse almost fully in English, walaupun orang yang reply tu menaip in Bahasa Melayu. In real life takde la guna English sangat pun. Maybe kalau borak, the percentage would be 80% BM, 20% English. Maybe because I read a lot of English books, kot? So I kinda wanna use it in written form.

6:41 AM - 7 Mar 2018

Seorang kawan tanya a few days ago, nak kenal tak dengan seorang perempuan. His fiancee's friend, to be exact. Ini satu pelawaan yang datang out of nowhere. It was so random. I applaud the idea. I'm glad kawan-kawan ambil berat pasal aku and willing to go through the hassle of introducing me to new people. I truly appreciate the effort. Selalunya bila kawan-kawan cuba untuk play matchmaking, aku akan cakap, "Meh sini nak tengok gambar dia dulu." Doesn't matter. IG, Twitter, FB, or whatever to catch a glimpse of what this person looks like, and to dissect a little bit of her online behavior and social interaction pattern.

"Cantik." Okay, that's good.

"Duduk Ipoh." Okay, good. Within driving distance. A bonus point.

"Dia ni pelik sikit sebab..." Okay, I can work with that. I've prolly known an even crazier person than her.

"Susah sikit nak reply teks." Okay, I can live with that too.

"Dia tengah cari partner bla bla bla..." Okay, cool. Cool, cool, cool.

Their words, not mine. But if you were to ask me, I mean... based solely from her photo(s), aku akan cakap, "well... she seems like a nice person."

"Kalau nak kenal, aku nak bagi kau phone number dia ni." Whoa whoa... hold up, slow down, not so fast.

The thing about playing matchmaking is that you don't know how the other side feels about this entire arrangement. Entah-entah kawan aku yang syok sendiri nak jadi cupid, padahal mungkin perempuan itu tak berminat langsung pun. Aku legit termenung for a solid whole minute in an attempt to process this whole unprecedented situation. Banyak perkara yang aku perlu pertimbangkan. Atas kertas memang ia nampak macam benda yang mudah dan tak perlu difikir panjang. So I told my friend, "Tapi bukan sekarang lah. Not right now." To be honest, I don't think I have the right amount of energy to go through the process of knowing someone from scratch at the moment. Not to be pessimistic, but hey, it requires a lot of effort to make it work. I'm not saying no. I said not right now. Because I know myself very well, and yes, I don't do things half-heartedly. If I can't commit right now, then what's the point?

4:09 AM - 12 Mar 2018

My friends macam terkejut sikit bila aku bagitau I'm still paying for Aisyah's car. I totally get their confusion. I mean, since Aisyah dah kahwin, patutnya suami dialah tolong bayarkan or something like that. Lagi sorang kawan cakap untung lah dapat abang macam kau ni bila aku cakap aku nak beli his unused phone bagi pada Sarah. I guess I never see it that way. In my head, they - Aisyah and Sarah - are still my little sisters. And always will be. Tak ada apa yang akan berubah. And not sure about them getting untung either. Since I honestly think I'm terrible at being a good role model to them. I told them, it's my family. Selagi termampu, sampai mati pun aku akan tanggung. Because they are not a burden. They are my family.

5:31 AM - 12 Mar 2018

The Satanic Verses is a really really difficult read. Borderline tak syok sebenarnya. I only keep it for sentimental value. Idk why so many people ask for that book. Just because it has been banned in M'sia, doesn't mean it's good.

4:28 AM - 13 Mar 2018

Most of the times I feel like I'm not good enough for anyone. It started off great, and when things gets further down the road, that's where I lost all my confidence. All. All of it. I started to doubt myself, my decisions, and everything. Feels like everything is going the wrong direction. It's the same thing, again and again. I rarely projected my low self-esteem self when I'm out with someone. But when I got home, I would overthink all the possibilities and uncertainties. The process of getting to know each other, of getting married, of life after getting married. I honestly feel like I got nothing special to offer. She must be a fool to be with me. I feel like I'm dragging everybody's down with me. I don't live a hype extravagant life. I don't travel a lot. I don't this. I don't that. I live a quiet modest life where it appears to be boring as hell. Apa yang aku boleh bring forward to the table pun entah lah. I feel like I would be the reason she won't get far in life. I just don't have the ability to complement anybody's life. This battle within self is not fun at all.

8:18 PM - 12 Mar 2018

Can I just come out and say this: if I ever have kids, I always wanted a daughter. And I would name her Liyana, Ilyana or something similar along that line. Idk why but that particular name has stuck in my head for the longest time ever.

6:42 PM - 13 Mar 2018

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and keep moving forward with your head held high. And don't worry too much, because love often comes in the least expected ways.

5:06 AM - 16 Mar 2018

I told my friend mostly untuk semua media sosial aku ada dua akaun. FB, Twitter, IG, Tumblr or whatever. "But why....." He asked. I hate it bila semua tempat ini feels crowded. So I tend to retreat myself and disappear. 

"Let's say aku ada 100 followers. I mean who are these people? Bukan aku kenal pun semua. Tapi aku suka maybe like 10 or 15 people out of 100. So I created a new one and let them in." I told him it's all about making my small space even smaller. I mean aku takde la secrective mana pun. I'm not trying to hide anything from anyone. I'm just not comfortable having a large (arguable, but still) audience. 

3:26 AM - 19 Mar 2018

I'm definitely at a different place of my life. Macam mana aku tau? Sebab dua hari lepas kami pi drugstore cari barang, aku berganda-ganda lagi expert daripada kawan perempuan aku. Ayyy I'm on another level now.

10:02 PM - 19 Mar 2018

I'm a keen observer of human behavior. I guess ini habit yang aku tak berapa mampu nak ubah. I don't judge... okay maybe a little bit, but only to understand people better and as to why they behave in certain ways.

I told Ayishah. "Aku perati bila kau argue dengan Razin (her husband and my friend) and kau nak justify something, pitch suara kau jadi tinggi and kau cakap laju-laju." Not just her tbh. Most perempuan yang aku kenal pun begitu. Even my own sisters. When they enter this kind of defensive mode, maka aku dah tahu.

Lagi satu, I honestly don't know why most women selalu respond something with 'oh ye ke?' or 'oh really?' dengan nada curious which is bukanlah respond yang bagus sebenarnya. It kinda shows yr vulnerable side? Idk. Dan macam-macam lagi habit kawan/family yang aku dah hafal. Like one of my friend yang tiap kali cuba nak menipu mesti dia tergagap. Dan kawan yang suka ulangsebut benda kelakar yang kita sebut kemudian baru dia ketawa.

7:43 AM - 20 Mar 2018

I have a serious trust issues when it comes to money. Sebab dalam kebanyakan waktu, perangai manusia ini tak pernah gagal untuk mengecewakan. You see, I bukan jenis yang berkira sangat. My rule is always simple: bagi berhutang atau pinjam duit dalam amaun yang I tak akan rasa ralat dan sakit hati kalau orang tak bayar. Entahlah, kalau setakat berhutang dalam nilai ratus-ratus pun lari bertahun-tahun taknak bayar, that speaks volume about you. Apalah yang you people dapat tipu I dengan nilai sebegitu. Kalau you scam I berpuluh ribu, I faham kalau you lari taknak bayar sekalipun. Sebab you dah kenyang dapat duit banyak. I mean... you puas hati la juga dapat tipu dengan amaun sebanyak itu. Sometimes I honestly think some people are just plain babi in disguise. Disgusting creature.

7:21 PM - 27 Mar 2018

Kenapa I rasa macam highly unhygienic untuk mana-mana restoran guna tempurung kelapa as part of their dishware? Kenapa nak kena compromise hygience for pointless aesthetic and decorative purpose? Unrelated: I don't get the hype with shell out. Kenapa nak kena makan tak pakai pinggan and tabur everything on the table, regardless berlapik ataupun tidak? Also, I think cheese tastes great. You see, adil adalah meletakkan sesuatu pada tempatnya. But you put cheese on everything. So you're an idiot. And I harap you bertaubat daripada terus buat dosa kulinari ini. And don't call it carbonara when you actually serving me spaghetti with alfredo sauce. You scammed me and I iz sad. I don't care what anyone says, manusia yang sanggup rebus maggi, kemudian toskan airnya (sebab nak buang air kapur or something like that), kemudian rebus lagi sekali, dan kemudian baru masukkan perencah, sebenarnya is a psychopath in disguise. Boat Noodle is overrated. Steamed bread jelah yang berbaloi kalau nak makan pun. Benda lain yang dia jual semua rasa biasa je.

5:05 AM - 28 Mar 2018

I mean..... English aku pun level sekolah rendah je, tapi tadi first time jumpa orang guna ayat "what have you did?" aku rasa macam nak pengsan baca.

7:14 AM - 28 Mar 2018

When you're asking personal questions, selalunya orang keberatan nak jawab. So you gotta twist it up. Take a different route. For example, tanya gaji berapa. You don't go around randomly asking that question like an idiot. Because it's none of your business. I once told a girl, "you tau tak harga rumah mampu milik ni basically 5 years worth of your annual income. Gaji you times 12 months times 5 years." She did the math on her phone. And gave me the final answer. RM sekian sekian. Which is pretty much the same macam bagi jawapan untuk soalan berapa gaji dia sebulan sebenarnya. I wasn't trying to dig anything up. Was merely curious to see how easy to lure people into giving me answers to the questions that I didn't even have to ask. And it goes to show how people can be easily manipulated. Such is life.

7:14 AM - 29 Mar 2018 

People who regularly drink teh tarik are not afraid of death.

9:16 AM - 29 Mar 2018

Love is when I bought udang for my family to cook even when I don't eat udang. Love is when I buang tulang ikan to make it easier for my cats to eat. Love is when Sarah wants me to buy something for her and I say use your own money and she'll be like okay but I still ended up paying. Love is when I let the air-conditioner running even when I'm not in my room because my cat is still sleeping in there. Love is when one quick simple interaction with one of my favorite person in life makes me feel warm and happy.

11:58 PM - 1 Apr 2018

One of my female friends told me that if I don't move the conversation from DM to WhatsApp quickly, the girl might perceive that I'm simply there to fool around or I'm just not THAT interested in her. And I was like, "wait... what....is that how you girls really think..." Because that's literally the stupidest thing I ever heard. I macam triggered sikit waktu kawan I cakap tu sebab I rarely move from DM to WhatsApp unless necessary e.g. sebab nak minta location waktu nak jumpa or something like that. I mean... We'll move eventually. But why the rush? Gelojohnya? Laju-laju nak pi mana? I don't understand.

"Ye lah, dia macam kau takde effort nak minta no phone dia." She added some more nonsense. I told her sama je lah DM ke apa ke, it's a medium to communicate. As long as we're conversing, why does it matter? Kalau kita berutus surat sekalipun - for all I care - ia masih lagi satu bentuk komunikasi. Cuma tak praktikal je lah. But still. Apatah lagi DM vs. WhatsApp. Potato, potahto. It's a level playing field. Tapi kawan I berkeras cakap tak sama. And I pun malas nak argue. So... tak sama it is.

6:26 PM - 5 Apr 2018

Tegur this one awek (cainis I think) waktu tengah tunggu beli burger. Y'know... just because she's pretty. "Nice shoes." Sincere compliment. Sebab kasut dia memang lawa. Dia pakai Ultra Boost kaler grey. Cuma tak pasti version apa. Dia tunduk bawah, tengok aku pakai selipar. Lepastu dia pandang aku balik. "Thanks." Such is life.

6:30 AM - 6 Apr 2018

"On behalf of my gender, I apologize for bla bla bla..." I mean, umm... speak for yourself, pls? Why the need to speak for other people though? As if you're levitating above the rest of us? What an idiot. It's like.... you're not even associated with the issue to begin with. Then you intentionally associated yourself by unnecessarily being apologetic, just so that you can go around and tell people, "hey I got nothing to do with that." Ewahh kemain lagi kau nak jadi hero ye.

7:20 AM - 12 Apr 2018

You know what, I bersyukur gila di usia begini I masih lagi tak gila dan tak sendu macam sesetengah orang yang tetiap hari tweet/RT pasal relationship, patah hati, cinta or anything like that. Thank God I'm not THAT desperate. Imagine being in your late 20's and desperately mengharapkan cinta orang dan kemaruk nak kahwin sampai jadi sendu tak ketahuan hala. That shit is embarrassing........ I mean, come on.... have a little respect for yourself.

9:19 AM - 12 Apr 2018

Jasmine Suraya dengan Syahamimi Shahri ni tak kira la gambar apa pun yang diorang upload, for some strange reasons, I akan tetap klik like.

7:34 AM - 17 Apr 2018

Siapa yang cakap Harith Iskander ni kelakar, I doubt you got any sense of humor whatsoever.

6:55 PM - 18 Apr 2018

Boleh tak nak jadi kaya to the point bila family minta something I'll just whip out my card for them to use conveniently?

2:39 AM - 22 Apr 2018

If anything, elakkan daripada berkawan dengan manusia yang suruh kau listen to real music. Motherfucker thinks he's some sort of musical connoisseur, or lyrical genius, or something. Fucking delusional idiot.

10:33 PM - 23 Apr 2018

Maybe I'm just tired of everything, you know? I'm starting to feel burned out, and the worst thing is, we're not even halfway through 2018 yet. Penat? Yes, with a question mark right there. Because I'm not sure how I feel for the past few weeks. My financial management is all over the place. I keep delaying doing important stuff. I'm losing my sense of direction in life. I no longer possessed the sense of urgency. I'm not stressing over anything at the moment. Tapi semua benda menghala ke arah serba tak kena. And I can feel the anxiety is building up. And that's not good. All this extra hard work trying to keep everything under tight control and in its right place, idk man... penat gila sebenarnya. I think my refusal to accept changes has something to do with all this mess. Maybe I should be more carefree. And try to not worry about every single thing. From time to time, aku selalu kena ingatkan diri that it's okay to drift off of my path a little bit. There's a valuable learning curve somewhere along the line. Because it's only natural and I'm only human. This perfectionist side of me clearly has got to go.

6:28 AM - 23 Apr 2018

I have mixed feelings about leaving my work behind for four days to go to Jakarta. There's this nagging feeling inside my head telling me that I can't trust anyone because they will fuck things up while I'm gone. Now I remember why I haven't had a vacation in two years.

7:24 PM - 24 Apr 2018

Every time an Indonesian person open his mouth to talk to me, I'll go, "hahh...?" at least twice before any of his words register into my brain.

Indonesian person: jslshakdldlajsj

Me: hah...?

Indonesian person: jsjejedkcrifjcjd

Me: hah...?

Indonesian person: *slowly and carefully uttering his words literally talking to an idiot* ada apa-apa lagi?

Me: ohh... Nggak ada.

6:52 PM - 27 Apr 2018

Tiap kali ada mana-mana perempuan cakap dekat aku, "I have something to tell you/I need to talk to you." I get all nervous dan aku automatically akan terus imply, oh shit what did I do wrong this time, walaupun aku takde buat salah apa-apa pun sebenarnya. The trauma is real. If any of you people are reading this, pls don't use those sentences on me. Kasihanilah diriku ini yang tidak selesa mendengar ayat sebegitu. I don't deserve to be scared like that. I don't really need a dramatic element of suspense in my life. Just get straight to the point or just ease your way into it from another direction.

11:26 PM - 3 May 2018

Kulit putih tak semestinya buatkan muka seseorang itu automatik jadi cantik. Ini common sense kot. Tetiba teringat waktu lepak dengan kawan-kawan, we were talking about our skin color the other day. Yang dah makin gelap sebab selalu terdedah dengan terik matahari.

My friend: hitam pun hitam lah. Janji dalam bank banyak duit.

I mean... yes, that's the spirit!

3:26 AM - 6 May 2018

Katy Perry ni lawo tahap dewa. Tapi every time dia buka mulut and say something, for some strange reasons, ketara gila dia punya bimbo.

7:06 PM - 7 May 2018

Aku paling susah nak percaya dengan taste makan orang KL. Benda yang so-so pun most of them boleh cakap sedap.

6:11 AM - 13 May 2018

Semua kawan aku under the impression yang aku tak makan makanan pedas langsung. Which is not true. Boleh je makan, but my pedas tolerance is very low, so most of the time bila diorang pelawa aku macam uhmm.... no.

9:10 PM - 15 May 2018

Tell you what, I'mma fight Anwar Ibrahim kalau dia jadi punca Wan Azizah kosongkan kerusi Parlimen to make way for his stupid ass to be in power.

3:24 AM - 19 May 2018

Tak sangka aku kena drive ulang-alik Ipoh tadi hanya sebab nak amend satu document yang tersilap angka 4 jadi angka 5. Such is life.

4:49 AM - 21 May 2018

JKT (8)

Ajja is our savior. She truly is. It's a great pleasure to have her around navigating us all over Jakarta. Dan banyak bantu susun aktiviti kami supaya pergerakan dari satu poin ke satu poin yang lain berlaku dalam suasana santai dan tak tergesa-gesa. I certainly don't feel like a tourist, which is, well... great. Feels like I'm just there visiting an old friend or something.

Disebabkan Ajja, aku berpeluang untuk merasai bermacam-macam regional cuisines yang aku belum pernah cuba. Dan paling tak dapat lupa, melepak di warkop (warung kopi) which is generally, dare I say, more or less a barai local version of restoran Mamak untuk orang di sana.

I'm notorious for being pain in the ass and hard to please when it comes to food. In a way, yes I'm a picky eater. Itu tak makan. Ini tak makan. Itu tak sedap. Ini tak sedap. Makanan, bagi aku, cuma ada tiga kategori. Pertama, sedap. Kedua, biasa je. Ketiga, it tastes like shit. For example, bila kawan puji dia makan sekian sekian di restoran sekian sekian, kemudian mereka bawa aku untuk cuba, most of the time, the best I could ever come up with, much to their disappointment: mehh biasa je. 

Maybe picky eater is such a vague term, I guess. Walaupun banyak benda aku tak makan, tapi kalau kau hidang makanan yang aku suka, aku boleh makan tetiap hari tanpa merungut apa-apa. Bak kata seorang perempuan cantik di Twitter, "I don't normally have strong feelings towards food like as long as it doesn't give me food poisoning then okay. Bland? It's okay. Salty? It's okay."

I can totally relate. Sedap atau tak sedap ini perkara subjektif dan tertakluk kepada citarasa masing-masing. My only concern is that any kind of food should taste the way it should be. Kalau rendang mesti rasa macam rendang. Bukannya rendang tapi rasa weirdly macam gulai. That's some fucked up shit. Kek mesti rasa macam kek. Sambal ikan bilis mesti rasa macam sambal ikan bilis. And the list goes on.

Disclaimer: I value homemade cooking more than anything else. Tak kiralah siapa pun yang masak untuk aku, sedap ke tak sedap ke, rasa entah apa-apa ke, I won't complain. It's the effort that counts. Unless you serve me lontong, fuck it, I ain't gonna touch it.

Anyway, lupakan itu.

Cuma satu benda kami elak sewaktu berada di sana. Their street foods. Tiada siapa di antara kami berani untuk cuba makanan yang dijual di kaki lima dan tepi jalan kecuali bila Ajja cakap okay. Sebab kebanyakannya ketara nampak kotor, dan sampai satu tahap terkesan meloyakan. I mean... I'm all set to try new things, tapi untuk ambil risiko dan berkemungkinan tinggi dapat keracunan makanan kedengaran macam satu idea yang sungguh bangang. But I eat a lot during my stay. Like... really a lot. Sehari empat lima kali makan. Restoran itu. Restoran ini. Gerai itu. Gerai ini. And here's some of it which deserve to be in the spotlight.

1. Ketoprak. Basically a stripped-down version of gado-gado, you know... minus the veggie, tempe, and few other things. One of the many Ajja's food recommendations. But I didn't have enough time to savor this famous delicacy. I was sleepy as hell. Keluar makan pukul satu pagi in a ghetto neighborhood somewhere around West Jakarta. I told Ayishah the other day, "Let's go to Jakarta again. Aku rasa macam nak makan ketoprak lagi sekali."

2. Es pisang ijo is the shit, which is essentially kuih nagasari (different version of kuih tepung bungkus) served with ice cream on top. Definitely one of the best desserts I've ever tasted. It raise the bar so high and set a whole new level on how dessert should be treated with the respect it deserves.

Yang lain-lain itu, I don't know... biasa je. Nothing special. Makanan kebanyakan yang kalau kau cari di Malaysia pun boleh jumpa. Malah mungkin berkali-kali ganda lebih sedap. But it was a great experience, nonetheless.

JKT (7)

We booked a hotel room somewhere around Menteng. Betul-betul di tengah kota. Mudah untuk ke mana-mana. Taxi, Go-jek, Grab Bike, GrabCar, bus etc. is literally everywhere.

But we got to walk around town a lot. Berjalan tak ada hala tuju di Monas, bersesak-sesak dalam hoi polloi merayakan hari bebas kendaraan bermotor di sekitar Selamat Datang Monument, menapak dari Tanah Abang ke Thamrin City dan kemudian ke Grand Indonesia. Menikmati pemandangan matahari terbenam sepanjang kawasan Ancol Beach. Maybe I should've turned on my GPS to track my movement. Sebab aku rasa aku dah berjalan kaki hampir atau lebih dua puluh kilometer dalam tempoh masa empat hari.

Which reminds me that my Adidas Tubular Doom Sock Primeknit is an absolute shite. I don't care what anyone says, those pair of sneakers are definitely not made for a long distance walk.

Well... never mind that.

I took a morning stroll around my hotel area on day two. Sebab aku bangun pukul enam pagi untuk call/text orang itu, orang ini untuk uruskan hal kerja sehingga selesai (vacation, huh? What vacation?). Kemudian aku dapati diri ini dok leka main phone menatal entah apa-apa sebab tak boleh nak tidur semula. I mean... cuti pun bangun awal. Such is life.

I told them I'm going out for a walk and let them continue their peaceful  sleep. 8 AM, and I just wandered around aimlessly within the radius of, I don't know... two or three kilometers from my hotel area. Menelusuri laluan pejalan kaki dalam suasana Menteng waktu pagi yang jauh beza dengan sibuk kota waktu tengah hari/malam.

I took a lot of (pointless) photos of my morning scenery. Dan setelah penat berjalan kaki, aku singgah sarapan pagi di Starbucks di lobi hotel sebelum pulang ke bilik. Blissful, I tell you.

I appreciate little things like that. Because this is something I couldn't afford to do back home. To take a leisurely morning walk and to eat breakfast properly without rushing anything is some sort of privilege for me. Entahlah, mungkin aku sentiasa sibuk bekerja. Weekends pun kerja. Public holidays pun kerja. Legit tak ada masa untuk selalu berfoya-foya dengan idea bercuti atau berehat.

I am my own boss, tapi kuota cuti mandatori yang aku mampu beri untuk diri sendiri cuma dua kali setahun. Hari raya haji dan hari raya puasa. Selain daripada itu, terpaksa curi-curi/bahagi masa untuk pergi vacation, hadir majlis kenduri kahwin, urusan keluarga, pergi ke KL lepak dengan kawan dsbnya.

Mehh apa boleh buat. I have to work really hard to make ends meet. If anything, doakan aku jadi cepat kaya. Amen.

JKT (6)

Ada bermacam perasaan timbul bila kawan aku bersungguh-sungguh cuba nak hiburkan aku tiap kali aku datang bertandang ke rumahnya di KL. Kesian ada. Terharu ada. Gembira ada. Sekejap mereka nak bawa aku makan di tempat ini. Sekejap di tempat itu. Lepak di tempat ini. Lepak di tempat itu. Kalau boleh mereka berdua nak penuhkan kehadiran aku dengan segala macam aktiviti supaya aku tak rasa bosan.

Dan setiap kali itu juga aku akan bagitahu mereka untuk tak perlu susahkan diri. There's no need to cater to my existence to that extent. Most of the time I only came to visit. Bagi aku, dapat duduk borak, lepak minum dan makan (tak kisah di mana sekalipun), kemudian pulang ke rumah dengan hati yang senang, pun dah lebih daripada cukup. I wouldn't ask for more.

Seperti tempoh hari bila aku bagitahu Razin dan Ayishah waktu bangun pagi selepas bermalaman di rumah mereka, "Ini first time ever aku tak bekerja on Labour Day. Let's go eat some cake and pastries." And then we wandered around Subang looking for the perfect spot to celebrate this pointless accomplishment.

I tried to do the same whenever possible. To replicate their cordial gesture. And to somewhat reciprocate with an appropriate gusto. Sebab tak ramai manusia dalam hidup ini yang genuinely invested untuk cuba accommodate kewujudan aku dalam hidup mereka.

And I'm forever grateful for that. Because they're a good friend.

Sama juga sewaktu sedang kami berehat-rehat di dalam bilik hotel pasca aktiviti hari pertama. Razin jenuh fikir nak atur aktiviti untuk hari kedua. Situ nak pergi. Sini nak pergi. Terlalu banyak tempat yang boleh dilawati. Cuma mustahil untuk sumbat semua sekali dalam tempoh 24 jam. For some strange reasons, dia risau aku bosan dan dia tak nak aku rasa trip ini satu benda sia-sia.

My definition of vacation is very simple. As long as I'm not at work, the hell with what activities I should be doing. "The main thing is I'm here (in Jakarta), not there. With you guys. Anything else is just a bonus." I told him.

Aku cuba untuk tak terlalu letakkan diri sebagai tourist, yang perlu devote diri untuk lawat, I don't know... top 10 main tourist attractions or some shit, untuk buktikan yang aku 'betul-betul' pergi bercuti. I mean, who the hell cares? Dapat pergi let's say 3 out of 10 pun aku macam... mmkayy. Kalau masih rasa tak puas, mehh... we'll come again next time for whatever it's worth.

JKT (5)

Jakarta... is something else. I mean, sure, it certainly gives out big cities vibe, but for me, I don't know... it's more or less like a discounted version of KL. Especially when I'm on the road.

If anything , jalanraya di Central Jakarta adalah berkali-kali ganda lebih sesak dari KL (not really a bad thing, I'mma tell you why in a minute). Every attempt at crossing roads feels like a suicidal move. Designated lanes are essentially non-existent. Drebar kereta dan penunggang motosikal menyelit antara satu sama lain macam setan. Lambakan gerai-gerai kecil yang menempel di kiri kanan jalan is not helping at all. Lebih daripada sekadar tekanan tersangkut dalam kesesakan, it's really a scary place out there.

Tetapi ia... okay? Sebab aliran trafik tetap mengalir walaupun perlahan? Serabut tetapi teratur in its own way? If that makes any sense. Ugh, how do I put this into words. Seolah-olah ada satu unwritten rule antara mereka semua untuk tidak terlalu terasa offended bila memandu dan ia semacam satu perkara biasa untuk memandu macam orang takde pedoman sebab SEMUA orang secara harfiahnya dua kali lima sama perangai bila berada di atas jalanraya.

I mean, patutlah semua drebar GrabCar aku tak maki atau marah langsung bila kenderaan lain melulu keluar simpang, atau himpit kereta mereka ke bahu jalan, atau laluan hadapan tiba-tiba kena pancung secara mengejut, because a minute later, he practically did the same thing to other people.

Imagine driving like that in KL, having cars behind you that won't stop honking, silap-silap aku sendiri akan buka tingkap dan tempik, "Kau nak apa cibai. Sabarlah kejap bodoh!" 

Like I said. Jakarta... is something else.

JKT (4)

To tell you the truth, I wasn't planning to write anything at all. Sebab aku dah makin malas nak menulis apa-apa. And all this so-called carpe diem approach buatkan aku rasa macam, mehh kalau aku ingat, maka aku ingat. Kalau tak ingat, ahh who the hell cares anyway?

But now I kinda have to, I guess? Sebab dalam sebuah perbualan lewat malam dengan Razin, Ayishah, dan Ajja dalam bilik hotel setelah seharian berjalan sekitar kota Jakarta, buatkan aku terfikir bahawa memori ini seharusnya dirakam semula dalam bentuk tulisan.

We were busy talking about our past memories of going places, here and there. I told them I could easily recall everything back from my first road trip to Thailand three years ago in the exact chronological sequence without missing any single detail.

And that's when it hit me. Because back then, I literally wrote everything down like a maniac. No wonder aku mampu ingat hampir semua benda dengan jelas.

But I'm not getting any younger. Makin lama aku perasan tulisan aku jadi makin tidak signifikan dan trivial, malah terkesan penuh dengan anekdotal yang sia-sia. Ia tidak lagi beri apa-apa makna jitu dalam kehidupan seharian atau input berguna untuk membantu perkembangan mendewasakan diri. So I decided to only write occasionally. Contohnya, seperti tulisan ini, bertujuan untuk commemorate kewujudan manusia-manusia kegemaran (yang aku anggap macam keluarga sendiri) yang aku kira berbaloi untuk aku kekal ingati buat satu tempoh masa yang panjang.

At least that's how I feel right now. Because God as my witness, they're very very very important being in my life.

JKT (3)

Funny because this whole sudden trip was built around one silly conversation we had during our mee kari session a month ago. Aku tanya Ayishah dekat mana dia beli beg tangan yang dia letak di kerusi sebelahnya. "Ni haritu aku beli dekat Jakarta. Dalam sepuluh ringgit lebih je."

"No shit? Cantik kot? Murah gila?" Aku balas. "Jom la. Before puasa kita pergi sana." Razin proposed an idea.

Supposedly kami patut ke Phuket pada bulan Mac lepas. But y'know, shit happens. Anggaplah tiada rezeki untuk ke Thailand bersama untuk kali ketiga. Terpaksa batalkan percutian seminggu sebelum berangkat pergi. 

Disclaimer: I wasn't looking for women's handbag. I was searching for a proper sling bag or a sized down messenger bag, sort of. Sebab kebanyakan yang aku jumpa, buatkan aku nampak macam mat rempit kalau aku beli dan pakai. So...uhm... no.

Jadi selepas selesai makan, dan berbual serba sedikit itu ini tentang atur perjalanan, I told them to book flight tickets and everything. And one thing led to another, yeah... we went to Jakarta.

Hari terakhir kami di sana, aku cakap pada mereka, "Macam tak percaya kita mai sini sebab nak cari beg je mula-mula. Bodo gila...."

Another funny thing is, tak dapat beli pun beg yang aku cari. What a moron. Sebab cari punya cari, tak jumpa yang aku betul-betul berkenan. But we, and by we I mean myself, came back with shitload of other stuff.

All in all, I had fun. Soooooooo much fun.

JKT (2)

JKT (1)