개소리

1. Money is only a temporary coping mechanism to even bigger issues. And I should stop talking about it ever again. It often does more harm than good.

2. "I miss my short hair" - shit I never thought I'd say.

3. Today is Raja Muhammad Danial Ihsaan's birthday. Do good, be good, and don't ever be like me. I love you, my favorite kid. 

4. "Good morning, and in case I don't see ya, good afternoon, good evening, and good night." - Truman Burbank, The Truman Show (1998)

5. "Stop worrying about things that haven't happened yet." This is by far the most stupid piece of advice I ever gave to myself.

6. I always avoid making eye contact when I'm annoyed or uncomfortable with someone. I'd rather stare at the wall or something.

7. 

8. Sure, we look good together. Too bad, it ain't gonna happen.

9. Maybe it's true. Greed knows no boundaries.

10. Everybody has their own struggles, I guess. Mine are tolerable, at least for the time being.

11. You don't know the real meaning of exaggeration until you watch all these female YouTubers react to Big Bang - Let's Not Fall in Love M/V.

12. Existential crisis all day every day.

13. Is it rude to not shake someone's hand? Unless they outstretched their hand first, I seldom offer mine.

14. 나에게 돌아오기가 어렵고 힘든 걸 알아 

naege doraogiga eoryeobgo himdeun geol ara

I know it’s hard and difficult to come back to me

그냥 그래

Tengah hari, dan aku dah selesai semua kerja. Maka aku duduk seketika di sebuah bangku untuk meredakan lelah yang masih belum hilang sebelum pulang ke rumah sebentar lagi. Aku nyalakan sebatang rokok. Di sebelah aku ada satu tin Nescafe masih belum dibuka.

No one's at home. Kalau aku tergesa-gesa balik awal sekalipun, tak ada apa benda lain untuk aku buat, kecuali makan dan selepas itu entahlah... baring/tidur sepanjang petang.

Tak jauh daripada tempat aku duduk, ada seorang pakcik yang aku dah lama kenal. Aku senyum tengok dia. Dia senyum tengok aku. Dengan rokok yang masih sedikit bersisa, aku bingkas bangun daripada duduk, capai tin Nescafe yang masih belum dibuka, kemudian aku mengeluh panjang.

"Hehh, nak balik rumah pun rasa malas."

He heard my expression of weariness, and he smiled. "Kahwin la cepat. Baru la rasa seronok nak balik rumah."

Oh, if only he knew I've been seeing his daughter on and off.

Love is an illusion. And you are a fool.

You are lonely. You are bored. Out of nowhere, someone new comes along into your life. You feel attracted. You feel captivated. You are intrigued. What is this feeling, you asked yourself. Albeit knowing the answer very well. You hesitated. But you wanted to feel more. Perhaps this is something different. You are curious. And you began to wonder, is the feeling mutual. You gotta make sure. You have the need to define the feeling. The urge to validate everything in an instant. You flirted a bit here and there. Throwing out hints. Finding reasons to spark an unnecessary conversation. Typing excessive hahahaha at the end of sentences that are not particularly funny to ease the awkwardness. But you are scared. You have been down the same road before. This is all too familiar. This shit ain't right. You started telling comforting lies to yourself. Hey, it is going to be okay. Hey, nothing to worry about. Hey, this is my chance. You are a grown up. You can take a good care of yourself. You can handle anything. Or so you thought. Next thing you know, you are eagerly waiting for phone call. And text messages. You are busy stalking them on social media sites. You are busy finding similarities that aren't really there. You are blinded by all the differences. You lose yourself in the process. You see what you want to see. You hear what you want to hear. You are set in your own way. Nothing is going to stop you. That very person is always there for you. Sharing, laughing, talking, texting, making plans. You are not lonely anymore. You are not bored. You are happy now.

And this is just the beginning.

Disjointed af, but who cares?

26 years of age, and I now run things on my own. And it's quite satisfying, I must say. To take full control and have absolute freedom to move/proceed in any direction I ever so desired.

Granted it's not big enough that I could afford to sit back 24/7 at home and let the money magically comes pouring in. But it's enough to sustain my current lifestyle, and to support my family financially. I get to hire more people if I needed to (though it's highly unnecessary at the moment). I get to decide where the money should be spent on. I get to decide what to do next. I get to have the final say in everything.

I'm writing this down as an aide-memoire, sort of. To remind myself if things ever went south in the future (I hope not), sekurang-kurangnya aku tahu apa yang pernah dilalui dan bagaimana untuk menjejaki atau berpatah balik kepada petak mula.

Umur aku kini lebih dekat kepada 30-an berbanding 20-an. I'm not a teenage anymore. Untuk berlaku jujur, aku dah tak berapa ingat bagaimana sebahagian besar awal dua puluhan aku berlaku. Aku habis sekolah menengah. Kemudian aku masuk kolej. Tamat pengajian. Mula bekerja. And poof-- here I am today. In the midst of it all, life happens. Ia seolah-olah terjadi sepintas lalu. Ia samar-samar. Ia bersimpang-siur; tak terurus langsung. I have little, if not none, meaningful recollection of my mid-twenties. Dan sentiasa wujud persoalan, the fuck am I doing with my life in between those crucial periods?

Awal 20-an, aku fikir aku ada segalanya. In short, I thought I had it all figured out. I thought life's going to be easy on me. No, fuck no. It's not always rainbows and butterflies. I went through all the hardships. The obstacles. The hurdles. The stresses. The troubles. The struggles.

I'm a pessimist, there I said it. Kadang-kadang aku rasa aku sebenarnya tak cool, dan selalu serabut tak tentu hala. Dalam urusan kerja misalnya. I mean, to constantly pump out the exact same amount of money each month is not an easy task. Doable, yes, but it needs unceasing perseverance. Adakalanya aku tak lepas daripada mengalami kerugian. Tak banyak tara mana. Bukanlah rugi sampai tergadai habis semua. Itu pun aku tak boleh nak hadapi dengan hati yang terbuka. Hell, two or three years ago, I wouldn't even dare to imagine I could afford this kind of lifestyle I'm living right now.

I always say love comes in many forms. Same goes - in its ever-changing presence - with rezeki. You may not see it, but it's definitely there. First thing that comes to mind when I think about rezeki is money. Sebab ia satu benda yang paling mudah aku boleh nampak depan mata. It's tangible. Ia sentiasa disebut-sebut. Ia hadir dalam urusan kehidupan seharian.

God has given me enough. In fact, much more than I actually deserve. But me, being ungrateful as usual, couldn't perceive this at first. Aku selalu fikir ada wang dan harta yang banyak adalah satu-satunya benda paling penting untuk dicapai dalam hidup. That's all I could ever think of. Sampai satu tahap, aku rasa tak lain tak bukan, aku semacam dah jadi hamba kepada not-not ringgit ini.

However, I failed to take into account all the years I spent living healthily. Sihat fizikal dan ment... well, I think have a questionable mental health, but that's another story for another time. Jatuh demam pun mungkin hanya setahun sekali. Ada tempat tinggal yang selesa. Ada kenderaan untuk bergerak ke sana sini. Ada cukup makanan atas meja. Ada pakaian lengkap serba-serbi. Ada keluarga yang memahami. Ada kawan-kawan yang sentiasa bersama ketika susah dan senang. Ada kehidupan sosial yang sederhana tetapi meriah. Ada wang simpanan untuk kecemasan dan lain-lain hal.

What more do I want in life, I asked myself. If anything, I'm the one being unnecessarily greedy here. Kerana semua benda yang aku tulis tadi, adalah nikmat dan rezeki yang telah sekian lama wujud dalam hidup ini. Kot ya pun ada benda yang barai, I don't know... my love life, maybe? But still, I should be grateful. Sekurang-kurangnya, aku berpeluang untuk kenal dengan sekian-sekian perempuan yang, sedikit sebanyak, mengajar aku tentang banyak benda.

I'm not here to brag. Or to shove it all up in anyone's face. Or to even compete. What for? I have absolutely nothing to prove to you people. Boleh jadi semua yang aku tulis ini adalah koya masuk-bakul-angkat-sendiri dan temberang belaka. And you wouldn't even know.

Like I said, I'm writing this down as a reminder for my future self. To know and learn the fact that I'm actually capable of achieving something in life, man, that's... priceless. Because I grew up spending a huge part of my life not knowing and having no clue on what to do, and when to act, and where to begin.

Perhaps I've changed a lot. A whole lot. I'm not the same person I used to be years ago. But I'm still struggling and trying to figure out how to untangle this messy and cryptic life. And I need to constantly remind myself, to never ever take things for granted. And to always be grateful.

For now, it is what it is.