1. Aku baru tahu bila perempuan puji perempuan lain, "she's so cute!" misalnya. "But you're cuter" is an unacceptable response. So confusing, I tell you. - 19 Nov 2016
2. Perempuan berbuah dada besar yang berpegang kepada konsep - if you've got it, flaunt it - di Instagram, you're the real MVP. - 19 Nov 2016
3. Macam Jennie cakap, 사랑은 마치 불장난 같아서 - 23 Nov 2016
4. Terserempak dengan seorang mamat Bangla semalam. I asked him, "mana pigi lama tarak jumpa?" He told me he's in Klang now. "Dua tahun sudah."
"Sana apa bikin?" Aku tanya. Cakap tunggang-langgang begini, buatkan aku rasa aku yang lebih bangla daripada dia. Can't help it, we (maybe it's just me) tend to subconsciously imitate someone's speech patterns. Even when it sound a bit offensive.
Man, how time flies. Sedar tak sedar, dah dua tahun berlalu. Rasa macam baru sangat kenal mamat Bangla ini. "Kerja sama la. Itu kedai mesin kuda." Dia balas. "Tauke sama ka?" Aku tanya lagi. "Ya la. Sini kedai tutup. Polis kacau. Saya punya tauke pindah sana." And no, I didn't know him from kedai mesin kuda. I know him from errr... somewhere else. - 23 Nov 2016
5. After a year or so of playing snooker, I can't get over the fact that I'm still pretty much noob. That's some fucked up shit right there. I understand the basic mechanism and the whole conundrum of this game (or sport?). Duh, it's not rocket science. Pot the red ball, and then pot any colored ball, repeat the whole process, making continuous break to clear up the table. Sound easy, right?
Go ahead. Pick a cue, chalk it nicely, aim for the desirable pocket, and try to do just that. I think the problem is not with me. Or the technique. The problem is with consistency. Consisfuckintency. Ada hari main cemerlang nak mampus. Ada hari main macam monyet yang tak pernah tahu apa itu snooker. To sum it all up, here goes: such is life. - 24 Nov 2016
6. Spent the whole evening with two of my friends yesterday. I was out home from 5PM until midnight. We talked about a lot of things. Possible business opportunity, financial management, life as it is, the usual merapu stuff etc.
They're my best friends for a reason. I can always turn into my complete form when I'm around them. Being a Satan, if you're wondering. I told them, I hate being an adult. I really really really hate it. "Too much pressure, and the struggle is too damn real." For the past few months, I'm in constant distress and been having emotional turmoil. Everything's changing and I can't do anything about it.
I think I've lost the will to live. And right now, the idea of trying hard to survive is so not appealing to me. At all. Feels like I'm doing this alone, and no one can save me. I get extremely tired just by thinking/talking about it. But it needs to be said and fixed. And no, I'm not suicidal. I mean, it's so tiring just to be alive, you feel me? - 25 Nov 2016
7. I like having small circle. Follow 50 orang di Twitter ini, tak banyak benda menarik yang lalu (dan berlegar) di timeline aku setiap hari. But that's the whole point. Kurang drama, kurang benda bangang menyakitkan hati, kurang interaksi dengan manusia lain, kurang serba-serbi. Kalau nak (tahu dan) tonton drama Twitter, aku terpaksa melompat dari satu page ke satu page lain.
It's fun... but can be tiring sometimes. Itu pun sekadar memerhati daripada jauh tanpa wujud keperluan untuk datang mencelah, and without making any noise whatsoever. Bila dah bosan menonton (dan memerhati) drama (dan manusia-manusia bangang ini), kemudian aku akan pulang semula, back to my small circle. - 29 Nov 2016
8. Gathered some strength, mustered up the courage, googled the shit up, dan hari ini aku baru tahu Payung Teduh rupa-rupanya nama band. - 1 Dec 2016
9. At this age, I think I'm pretty much upfront about anything. When something's bugging me or when I feel uneasy around people, I'd tell straight to their face. No more subtle hints. It's a waste of time. - 6 Dec 2016
10. I think my high school years was my rebellious phase. Or more like, rebel kepala tahi. I've done a lot of questionable things back then with my friends (no way in hell aku nak tanggung dosa ini seorang diri). But my college years was all about struggling, blending in, adapting, and surviving. Trying to survive, for the most part. Fasa rebel dah habis, jadi kolej adalah fasa untuk cuba jadi manusia yang lebih matang.
Tak banyak benda bodoh yang aku buat waktu itu. Kecuali baca puisi untuk seorang perempuan dan lafazkan ailebiu pada seorang perempuan yang lain dan percaya dia adalah soulmate sejati (ini serius satu benda maha bangang).
Lupakan itu. Now, back to the trying to survive part. My monthly allowance was never enough. I got like 200 something from MARA each month. Which is why aku banyak kali (terpaksa) belajar makan lari, dan mungkin sebab ini jugalah hidup aku tak berapa nak berkat sekarang. Maka bukan sesuatu yang menghairankan bila aku banyak jumpa atau kenal manusia yang perangai tak semenggah waktu belajar dulu. Dan baru sekarang aku faham kenapa aku banyak jumpa manusia yang seringgit pun nak berkira. Everyone's struggling, I guess.
I think certain situation pushes us to the limit. In the name of trying to survive, I can't put the blame on them for being a cheapskate. I should've known better. I, too, have been through that phase. But I'm lucky, because I got my shit together back in those days. And right now, I'm in a better place. Sort of. Yes, I'm still struggling and trying hard to survive, but for a whole different reasons. - 6 Dec 2016
11. A girl texted me last week and and I told her, "I'm busy right now. I'll talk to you later?" Truth is, I'm not busy. No, not really. Cuma malas nak menaip, dan aku rasa nak baring tak buat apa-apa atau tonton video YouTube. Me time at its finest.
Talk to you later, that has always been my mantra to put something on hold. It's the easiest way out. Because I don't want to be stuck having conversation that I'm not comfortable with. Yes, because I'm anal like that. But here's the problem.
Atas entah apa sebab, I keep on playing imaginary conversation, scenarios, and situations, with her in my head. And when the time comes to have an actual conversation, I - surprise, surprise - am running out of words to say. Which is why sometimes I'll appear to be somewhat uninterested. Thus, it's not you. It's me. One sided or not, imaginary or not, for all I care, I did have a conversation. A satisfying one, for the most part. - 7 Dec 2016
12. The only good thing about social media: it gives an illusion that I have an actual audience, despite the possibility I may lack thereof. Apatah lagi dengan hanya 55 followers - yang lebih separuh aku tak kenal langsung - my series of tweets could literally reach no one. But it don't matter, really.
My tweets could reach no one, but at the same time, it could reach everyone. That's the beauty of it. The equivocal nature of social media, to put it simply. I'm here. You're here. You're not here. So am I. We'll never know. Who gives a shit? - 4 Mar 2017
13. "Don't take the leaving part away from me, Alan." - Charlie Harper, Two and a Half Men
I always say I love being around kids. Although I really don't think I love them in the truest sense. Setiap kali Huwaina datang ke rumah, I'm the happiest being on earth. I'd let her play with my cats, run my fingers through her hair, kiss her on the cheek, show her this and that around the house, feed her this and that, take lotsa photos with her etc.
I swear to God, she's the cutest. But that's pretty much it. I had a great time with her, and then I moved on to other things. I love Huwaina's presence, because at the end of the day, I know that she's always leaving. And it goes without saying that I don't have to deal with her throwing a tantrum, all the crying and the not-so-fun stuff later on.
Even with friends, or any girls that I go out with, it's the same. Too much presence of these people, and I'd feel suffocated. I rarely hang out with friends from morning until late night. Aku tak habiskan sehari suntuk semata-mata berbual dengan mana-mana perempuan. If anything, I'd allocate some of my time with them, and that's... enough. What can one do? I like having me time, so yes, sue me. - 8 Dec 2016
14. Had a conversation over dinner with a friend and his fiancee last Tuesday. We went to Gold Chilli since it's located to the nearest highway exit on my way back home to Sitiawan. They're getting married in less than five months' time. Maka tidak dapat tidak, terpaksalah melayan perbualan tentang hal-hal kahwin.
I don't mind listening. Just don't shove it in my face telling me marriage is this, marriage is that. Get the fuck outta here. Luckily they're not like that. They're being supportive on my idea of 'do whatcu gotta do as long as you're happy'. Then the when is your turn question came up. I said I don't know. I really don't know. I can't picture myself having a wife at the moment. The unavoidable matchmaking process came along right after that. They showed me this, they showed me that. Girls from all over the place. Their friends, to be exact. Kerja itu, kerja ini. Tinggal di sini, di sana. Lawa la, tak lawa la.
To tell you the truth, distance has always been the main problem. Sebab aku tak ada kesanggupan untuk tinggalkan kehidupan di sini. I politely declined. Because I don't have time for that kind of stuff. And I'm not interested. The last time I was involved in anything like this was in 2014. My friend said one of his friend is interested in knowing me. So she added me on Facebook, she PM-ed me, I gave her my number, she texted me, and we went out twice.
Terrible, I tell you. I couldn't find anything that I like about her. Not her fault though. She's a nice girl. Way too nice. We didn't clicked quite enough. Just that. And I told him, never again. I never want to do it again. But it's good to know that I'm not afraid to walk away, even when she look like a sure thing, nice and all that. - 16 Dec 2016
15. Semua orang patut ada momen dalam hidup, yakni timbul keinginan untuk miliki sebuah lightsaber. If not, what's the point of living, homies? - 1 Jan 2017
16. Memetik falsafah Im Soo-hyang dalam percintaan, "Even if I have one, I don't. And if I don't have one, I don't." - 8 Jan 2017
17. After watching Yura's quirkiness for so many times on We Got Married, I realized something. Personality goes a long way. Well... along with a beautiful face, of course. Her annoying laugh is addictive. Her ability to keep on pestering people, hmm... addictive too. Basically everything about her is addictive.
I've watched their TV show Girl's Day One Fine Day last week. Tak pasti kenapa aku tengok, tapi itulah, nak bagitahu yang aku dah tengok. Unrelated, I've watched Mamamoo x GFriend Showtime too. Dear Lord, I really am obsessed to the core. No wonder aku suka duduk rumah lately. Setel kerja tengah hari, mandi, makan, dan aku habiskan sepanjang hari tonton entah amende entah. Dan malam, kalau tak keluar melepak, aku sambung lagi tonton apa yang aku nak tonton sampai terlena.
Yes, not having a life is the word. Which is fine by me. I mean, all these years of spending huge amount of time having fun outside, now is the right time to slow things down. - 18 Jan 2017
18. Can't believe I'm saying this, but watching too much TV shows is making me kind of depressed. Or maybe I'm not feeling depressed in the truest sense. But seeing/having the cruel and harsh reality portrayed on these TV shows being thrown at my face is somewhat making me anxious about, basically, everything.
Why do I take things too seriously? I just don't get it. I came for the entertainment, but I left with heavy feelings.
Neglecting reality and abandoning my own real life is what I do best. And to make things worse, I immerse myself into cheap pseudo-reality. At first, I thought it was some sort of escapism, and it was all rainbows and butterflies. Everything went great. Not until I mixed it all up, and get confused between what's real and what's not. So frustrating, I tell you. - 19 Jan 2017
19. Come to think of it, I never bother to learn much about people who are close to me. Their personal details is never my priority. - 25 Jan 2017
20. I always jinx myself. I honestly don't know why. When good things are happening, I need to always remind myself to stay calm and collected. "I'm having a great day." nope, poof-- gone. "I'm getting an early payment." wait, hold that thought-- you're gonna make losses tomorrow. Heaven forbid I say a word. One way or another, I'mma jinx it.
Which is why I'm always careful with my choice of words. To only talk/write about dreadful things that have already happened. And all the good things? I keep it to myself. But the sole disadvantage talking about the bad stuff is that I appear to be a whiny fucker. Alas, what can one do? Adalah keterlaluan untuk cakap tiada langsung benda positif berlaku dalam hidup ini, I just refuse to talk about it. - 9 Feb 2017
21. I'm trying hard to avoid putting unnecessary pressure on myself. If I can't do that, that'll be the end of me. Fikir pasal hidup dan masa depan buatkan aku selalu sakit kepala. I honestly can't cope with the pressure. I'm living my life at different pace than my teenage years. Taking one small step at the time. Slowly, but surely. The initial plan was to get filthy rich before 30. But at this rate, entahlah, I think I'm not even halfway there yet. In the midst of it all, itu pun ada orang berani suruh aku settle down cecepat. Settle what down, you fucking moron. - 14 Feb 2017
22. "Is it normal to love her unconditionally and still not expecting anything back in return?"
I love her, that much I know. And I swear to God, I want nothing out of it right now. If it's meant to be, it will be. We tried and tried and tried and tried, it didn't work out for a reason. On and off, on and off, on and off, on and off. It's bloody exhausting. Having to go through the whole process, step by step, again and again, holy crap kill me already.
Building a relationship isn't that hard. But sustaining one, my oh my, that's the trickiest part. It went awry each time for us. But do I not love her? Jawapannya aku akan taip dengan huruf besar: HARUSLAH. I may be naive and borderline stupid, but it's only normal to act this way when it comes to her. Because to find someone as damaged as me, yo my homies, that's a real treasure right there. - 23 Feb 2017
