Penghujung Mei

1. "So... what's new in your life?" No one asked actually, but I'mma tell it anyway.

2. Dah lama tak tulis dalam bentuk senarai begini. I guess it's no longer fun for me.

3. Banyak sebenarnya yang berlaku dalam hidup aku dalam bulan ini. Cuma aku tak menemukan sebarang keperluan untuk menulis setiap satu tentangnya. Malas, tak ada semangat, tak teruja, sibuk, tak peduli dan seribu satu macam alasan.

4. Apabila lebih banyak menulis tentang diri sendiri, dan bukan lagi tentang momen-momen hidup aku dengan manusia-manusia kegemaran. That's definitely not a good sign.

5. Lagu kegemaran minggu ini: Gnash's I Love You I Hate You.

6. Oh ya, Aisyah is getting married soon.

7. I write well. But I gotta admit, my choice of words is poor. Aku ada masalah bila orang ambil makna setiap tulisan aku secara literal. That's not how it works, my dear. That's not how any of this works. Which is why I've decided to stop writing for now.

8. "Aku lagi rela sibukkan diri aku dengan kerja. Biar sampai tak ada masa nak fikir benda-benda tak penting dalam hidup," aku beritahu. Be careful what you wish for, kawan aku balas.

9. "Hang bila nak kahwin? Takdak calon lagi ka?"

10. Aku cuma mampu ketawa, dan balas, "Takdak lagi."

11. Family first. Family first. Family first.

12. "Ingat kerja sendiri ni senang ke? Kalau kerja makan gaji, ada la jugak orang atas nak push ke, marah ke, apa ke. Kerja sendiri, kita sendiri yang kena push diri sendiri setiap hari," kawan aku cakap waktu makan malam semalam.

13. Different challenges, but the same great struggle for both parties.

14. "You're a mean person," she said. I wanna argue, but truth be told, I couldn't be bothered. Sebab aku tak mahu ia berakhir dengan aku mengungkit hal-hal yang dah lepas.

15. Sarah will be home in less than two days. Ihsaan will be home a week before Raya.

16. Ingatkan dah boleh move on dari Perempuan Paling Cantik Dalam Dunia, rupa-rupanya belum. *shake my head*

17. Tak pernah paksa sesiapa faham masalah hidup aku. Be there to listen, that will do just right.

18. Berharap hidup semua orang yang aku kenal rapat berjalan dengan baik. Mine is a disaster, namun ia tak sepatutnya menghalang aku daripada berasa gembira untuk mereka semua.

19. Kontrarian tegar, maybe that's the word I was looking for.

20. Have a good day, people. Have a good day.

#1

"It's always the same thing each time. Things ended well. Everyone's happy. And then I went to fuck it up by being an asshole," I told her.

Why, she asked.

"I came up with a theory. The only reason I'm acting this way is to protect my own feelings. I did what I had to do to keep my sanity intact. Maybe it's a defense mechanism. To never let myself become vulnerable. Or maybe, I don't know... I'm just way beyond fucked up."

Which reminds me of Miss F question not so long ago while we were discussing my problem. "Are you selective when it comes to being nice to other people?"

I said I'm generally nice to, well... everyone. I strongly believe treating other people nicely is a choice that I make, not because I'm a people pleaser, but I feel like it's the right thing to do. But I didn't tell her that when I fall into any kind of unfavorable situation, I tend to treat people like shit. Literally like shit. And that's just plain awful.

That's exactly what happened with most people I've known before. I made them think that I pushed them away. I had no other option. When I'm no longer in control, that seems to be my ideal solution, to be an asshole.

And now, I'm having a hard time adjusting everything back to square one. I'm still learning to fix this. To fix myself. To fix my relationship with other people. Striving to be a better person each day. Because I'm not getting any younger. I can't keep on having the same damn problem over and over.

10 tahun akan datang

I was in the car with a friend yesterday, and we talked about life in general. I told him that my biggest mistake was the inability to see where myself would be 10 years later after high school. Such a rookie mistake, I'd say. Maybe my I-don't plan-that-far-ahead mantra wasn't the best decision. Kini, setelah jauh gila babi ke depan, aku toleh semula ke belakang, and it all became clear to me.

I get it, life is unpredictable. Tak ada siapa dapat teka apa yang bakal berlaku di kemudian hari, apatah lagi dalam tempoh 10 tahun. Planning can only take you so far.

I left high school in 2008. So it'll be 2 more friggin' years before I reach the infamous 10-year mark. Dan 10 tahun ini, percayalah, merupakan satu jangka masa yang panjang. Macam-macam boleh terjadi. Dari seburuk-buruk perkara sehinggalah kepada sebaik-baik perkara.

I always have plans in life. A short one, yes. A long one, no, not really. I always know what to do. I always know what I want. I always know how to make the most out of any situation. And I never believed in go-with-the-flow approach. Only idiots do that. And dead fish.

Maybe I had it all wrong from the very beginning. Mungkin perjalanan hidup aku ketara bersimpang-siur, tak berapa lancar, dan tersekat-sekat di merata-rata tempat. Tapi macam Joyce Meyer cakap. "I'm not where I need to be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be."

1:52PM Monday 23 May 2016

Deephole of shit

I never regret falling in love. If anything, I regret it changes things when I tried to take it to another level. I regret it did some damage to my very well-being. I regret it ruins the connection I’ve made with everyone involved.

Right now, I’m a lost cause. No, I’m certainly not afraid to admit that I’m slowly losing direction and having difficult time grasping the harsh and cruel reality. Believe me, it’s really really hard to do so.

It’s a beautiful feeling, nonetheless. I have someone to talk to on a daily basis. Someone to share all my problems and whatnot. Someone who barely understand my life situation, but listen to my ramblings anyway. Someone who genuinely want to spend some time with me. Someone this. Someone that.

Aku faham segala akibat yang bakal menimpa daripada setiap tindak-tanduk diri ini. But I still put myself out there, to venture out a little bit, to make room for someone in my heart, to feel what it’s like to give someone my all.

At this age, I can’t afford to keep on losing people anymore. Which is why I’m being very selective at knowing someone. To spare myself the overwhelming distress that will come to bite me in the ass later on.

Kemenangan yang dirancang

“Syamira pergi Itali eh?” Aku tanya. That’s me asking the obvious, for sure. Tengok dia bergambar sekitar Colloseum, where else could it be?

I made a plan with friends last month to go to Italy a week after Raya. I told her that, and her reply was, “jangan mengada nak pergi. Kau kena datang kenduri kahwin aku dulu.”

Truth be told, making plans or going on a vacation don’t excite me anymore. Mula-mula, ya, teruja. Kemudian tak sampai beberapa ketika, rasa teruja ini perlahan-lahan memudar.

Of course I didn’t tell her that I’ve canceled my plan altogether. Batal bukan sebab semata-mata untuk pergi kenduri dia, but I just don’t feel like hopping on a plane to go somewhere for the time being. Dan paling penting, supaya kelak aku boleh datang kenduri kahwin dia, dan cakap, “aku sanggup datang kenduri kahwin kau dari pergi Itali, kau tau?”

Raja Muhammad Aliff - 1

Fatin Amirah - 0

For now, no.

She was right. “Go find yourself a beautiful woman, make her as your source of inspiration, be observant, and start writing.”

Okay, I might be paraphrasing. But more or less, that’s what she said to me. And her exact words was creepy detail person, not observant. Yeah right… potato, potahto, tomato, tomahto.

Yes, I’m very observant. Ia sudah jadi semacam satu habit untuk belajar, menghafal dan memahami kelakuan, gerak-geri, permainan mata, hand gestures, nada suara, pemilihan kata, body language seseorang dengan kadar segera. Tak kira sewaktu duduk melepak, atau berbual, atau keluar berjalan, atau berbalas pesanan teks dsbnya.

Entahlah, tetapi perkara begini penting bagi aku. To analyze how you present yourself in front of me, or other people. Untuk lihat jika kelakuan seseorang itu konsisten sepanjang masa. And to see whether I have to deal with erratic behavior or not. Supaya aku dapat mengagak kemana butir perbualan perlu/akan/patut dibawa. Untuk tidak menyentuh hal-hal sensitif. Untuk bereksperimen tentang itu ini. Dan sudah tentu, untuk memanipulasi segala-galanya supaya lebih condong ke arah aku.

She knows me too well. Because everytime I fall in love, I’m able to write like a madmen. Not just about that particular woman per se, but generally about anything.

Alas, the prettier, the better.

10:28AM Wednesday 18th May 2016

Nota pertengahan bulan Mei

Whenever I hear my friends simply talking smack about their former lover, or on some rare occasions, generally reminiscing something memorable about their past relationships, I just can't relate to any of their stories.

Atas nama Tuhan, tak pernah sekali pun aku mulakan cerita dengan, "ex-girlfriend aku dulu..." Sekali pun tak pernah. This may be hard for you to believe since I'm a certified asshole. But go ahead, ask anyone. I'm not kidding. 

I'm quick to fall in love, almost an instant, and perhaps always pretty adamant staying in one. Get this, I like to be in love. Just that, nothing more. But no, I'm never rushing into anything. Into commitment. Into relationship. Into label etc. Things like that takes effort and time to process. I can't straight away jump into something like that without any proper consideration. There's a lot at stake here.

I don't care about having commitment. Which is why I don't like any kind of label. I certainly don't do the so-called boyfriend-girlfriend thingy while knowing someone. Because it indicates that I'm in a relationship and being abruptly tied down with commitment. How can I involuntarily let myself be in one when the truth is, I never really care about it?

I'm constant with my planning, and my decision. Pada umur begini, aku fikir, apa atau sesiapa pun yang datang dalam hidup aku, ia tak lagi jadi satu masalah besar. The trick is, no matter what happens, always stay put. Always be constant. Always be careful. Always place yourself way ahead of everyone.

Aku bukan manusia jenis hari ini cakap lain, esok cakap lain. Muka aku ini bukan jenis yang cakap sembarangan macam orang tak ada pedoman hidup. Dan percayalah, tak ada satu pun tulisan aku yang kontradik dengan segala perbuatan dan tindakan aku selama ini. Go ahead, I dare you to find one.

Cuma sekarang, aku baru perasan yang aku tiada apa-apa untuk diceritakan semula seperti kawan-kawan aku tadi. Cerita baik waima buruk tentang sesiapa yang pernah aku kenal. Yang aku ada cuma pengalaman jatuh cinta dan segala-galanya yang berlaku di antara. I was high in love, that's for sure. Namun kisah tentang apa yang aku panggil 'the essence of the relationship' langsung tiada dalam rekod aku.

I'm more than comfortable talking, writing, and sharing about my past love life. And I don't even have any problem hanging out with women I used to love. It's all platonic and harmless. Because I value each one of them. Aku anggap kehadiran mereka sesuatu yang bernilai, tak kira sekejap mana atau selama mana aku kenal mereka.

Aku lihat setiap satu yang berlaku sebagai sebuah proses mematangkan diri. Dan bukan sebuah proses yang meninggalkan trauma dalam diri sehingga menyusahkan orang terkemudian yang bakal datang dalam hidup aku.

5:36PM Tuesday 17th May 2016

Of raining, morning conversation etc.

I had breakfast twice this morning. Satu, di rumah. Satu lagi, dengan kawan di kedai makan. Talk about productive Monday, huh?

This is my best friend for many years. Kalau dia ajak aku keluar bila-bila atau mana-mana sekalipun, aku akan datang. Sebab tak ada apa yang lebih menyelesakan daripada dapat duduk berbual dengan manusia rapat yang aku dah kenal lebih 10 tahun.

“Deme ada ajak keluor semalam. Awok sakit kepala, itu yang maleh nak pergi.” Aku beritahu. I slept early last night at 10PM. Kemudian terjaga pukul 1 pagi. And my headache just won’t go away. Jadi aku telan sebiji paracetamol, dan terus sambung tidur.

Nasib baik aku bangun pagi tanpa ada apa-apa masalah. Banyak hal-hal kerja yang perlu aku selesaikan. Thus I can’t afford to get sick.

I told him I’m not worried about my current spending. I’m more worried about my savings. You see, I don’t always spend my money foolishly, that’s why I’m not worried. Rasa macam tak pernah cukup, although at this rate I think I’m doing quite alright.

“Rezeki tak berkat la kot. Sebab tu selalu rasa macam tak cukup.” Aku ketawa. Tamak, sebenarnya. Tuhan dah bagi cukup, tetapi nafsu sentiasa mahu lebih untuk diri sendiri.

I’m planning to buy a house for myself this year. And that’s ought to take a huge chunk out of everything. Literally, everything. Mengenangkan lain-lain hal datang menghimpit dan mengurumuni ketika ini, maka cita-cita ini semakin hari semakin terdesak untuk dipenuhi.

At least I know exactly where I’m heading in life right now. Setakat ini, tak terkeluar dari garis prioriti, dan tak menyimpang dari poin-poin penting yang aku cipta. I never believe the so-called shitty go-with-the-flow approach in any walks of life. Only idiots do that. For a temporary solution, yes. For a long term, hmmm… not so much.

And then, the usual stuff. Marriage, bla bla bla, settle down, bla bla bla, where do we see ourselves in 5 more years, bla bla bla, possible choices of zaujah, bla bla bla, business venture, bla bla bla, vacation, bla bla bla.

“After Raya, let’s go to Phuket.” Well, minus the crazy stuff we did last time. We are too old to be doing those kind of things once again. Boleh sebenarnya, but enough is enough.

Siri tulisan tak siap

“Mengelamun waktu drive lagi bahaya daripada mengantuk sebenarnya.” And they agreed with me.

Aku bercakap ini berdasarkan pengalaman minggu lepas sewaktu memandu ke KL. Saw a traffic light at the very last minute. I don’t know, all of a sudden, it just appeared right in front of my eyes. The light was red. I was doing 120km/h at that time. I pressed hard on the brake. Managed to slow down the car, only to find that I was stopping in the middle of intersection.

Lucky me, as there were no other cars at that moment. Jadi aku teruskan pemanduan. Sambil geleng kepala banyak kali.

“Nasib baik aku tak mati tadi,” aku beritahu F sebaik sahaja sampai bertemu dia.

Kebanyakan kawan-kawan aku ada pengalaman sebegini. Pintu kereta kena rempuh dengan dua buah motosikal sewaktu keluar simpang, terseret pembahagi jalan sehingga berlubang pintu kereta sebab terlelap ketika memandu, tercium punggung kereta hadapan sehingga kemek sewaktu traffic jam, drift kemudian terbabas kemudian hentam sisi kereta lain sehingga hancur total lost, dan sekian banyak benda bangang lain yang terjadi.

……

I have no freakin’ idea why I wrote this shit down. I’ll end here.

Random crapola (3)

1. Try not to think too much about work. Sakit kepala. Dan rasa nak mengamuk.

2. Pokok rambutan tepi rumah aku dah mula berbuah. Tiba-tiba teringat, dulu setiap kali pulang ke kampung di Jeniang, berebut panjat pokok rambutan milik tok depan rumah, sambil petik dan makan terus buah atas pokok. Ahh, good ol’ days.

3. Dan aku akan ketawa setiap kali dengar mereka sebut perkataan pokok/buah moktan.

4. Haikal opened up an old box of my comic books collection. I got shitloads of ‘em.

5. I need people to never interfere with my work stuff. I like things the way they are. Now, fuck off.

6. Ya Tuhan, permudahkanlah segalanya dalam urusan hidup ini.

7. I’m really really hungry right now.

8. There goes my mood for tonight.

9. Perhaps, I’m overthinking.

10. Nad dan F cakap tak cukup satu juta ringgit untuk hidup. Gimme one million ringgit, lemme show you how.

(Hidup)

I haven’t touched my savings for almost a year. Last year, I bought nothing. No new clothes. No new shoes, new books, new phone, new car accessories, new fancy hair or skincare products. No new whatsoever. Literally nothing. The only thing I bought recently was a birthday gift for Haikal.

Not sure why, but material possession don’t excite me anymore. Aku mampu untuk harungi hidup ini dengan apa yang sedia ada tanpa langsung keinginan untuk merungut dan mengeluh.

Aku buka almari pakaian, aku lihat baju yang semakin tiada. I wear the same damn clothes for two or three years now. Kalaupun ada baju baru, ia adalah pemberian dari kawan-kawan yang balik bercuti sebagai cenderahati. It’s cool though, I got t-shirt from all over the world. Beijing, Bangkok, Rome, Phuket, Bandung, Scotland and many more.

I did nothing much with my money. Kecuali untuk hal-hal kecil. Belanja makan, bayar bil dan komitmen, isi minyak kenderaan, duit poket untuk adik-adik yang masih belajar, servis kereta, pergi bercuti, melakukan sedikit aktiviti sosial dengan kawan-kawan dan entah apa lagi.

This is a bit worrisome, to say the least. Aku takut kalau-kalau keinginan untuk berbelanja ini semakin hari semakin luput, dan perlahan-lahan bakal diganti dengan sifat cinta dan berkira soal duit. No, I’m not a cheapskate nor stingy. But like I said, material possession just don’t excite me anymore.

It’s hard being a breadwinner of the family. Hal-hal kerja yang semakin lama semakin mengambil alih, tanggungjawab terhadap manusia di sekeliling yang tersandar di atas bahu, kepayahan mengurus kewangan diri yang terkesan melelahkan dan langsung tidak menyeronokkan, sifat berhati-hati yang perlu diterap dalam setiap perancangan hidup, adik-beradik yang perlukan pengawasan dan penjagaan seadilnya.

“I got five younger siblings. That’s why I don’t think about getting married that much. Banyakkkk lagi benda lain aku nak kena fikir.” I told Nad the other day. Lucky for me, she kinda understand my situation. In fact, she’s the eldest in her family as well. It’s nice when someone gets you.

Tak lain tak bukan, risau sebenarnya. Bagaimana jika tiba-tiba hidup yang sedia ada ini tidak lagi mampu membantu keluarga dalam kadar paling optimum. Bagaimana jika Tuhan tarik balik segala kesenangan ini tanpa apa-apa isyarat awal. I never want my other siblings to go through the same hardship in life when I was a kid. I never want the burden of being the bearer of our family struggles to go back on Ayah’s shoulder once more.

We’ve had enough. For real, we’ve had enough.

Setiap kali kenal dengan mana-mana perempuan, this is the first thing that came into mind. Bukan soal dekat jauh jarak antara kami. Bukan soal belanja majlis kahwin. Bukan soal berapa banyak wang hantaran. Bukan soal nak tinggal di mana. Bukan soal menangani kerenah mertua. Bukan soal mengekalkan rasa cinta yang sama. Bukan soal itu. Bukan soal ini. It’s about building a new relationship with my significant other while sustaining the one I’m having right now.

Most people just don’t understand. Yang mereka nampak usaha aku yang mereka rasakan terlalu kecil dan tidak serius dalam membina sesebuah perhubungan. They even have the guts to say I don’t commit enough. Mind you, I’m not in my teenage years anymore. Menginjak umur dewasa ini, aku mengerti bahawa cinta bukan segala-galanya. Love can wait. It always can wait. Above all else, family first. Kemudian baru aku ada masa untuk fikirkan hal-hal lain dalam hidup.

This is what I need to do. To always remind myself to stick to what matters most, and to never drift off of my path in life.

Seharian dengan manusia kegemaran (12)

1. I love them both. I really do. Manusia yang menyeronokkan!

2. Tak sabar untuk berjumpa mereka semula pada bulan Ramadhan akan datang. “Nanti aku datang KL, kita pergi berbuka puasa sama-sama.”

3. Ataupun pada kenduri kahwin F kelak. Itupun kalau ditakdirkan tidak bertembung dengan tarikh rancangan bercuti aku. “Itali atau kenduri kahwin kau? Hmmm, tak susah nak pilih sebenarnya,” aku kata kepada F. “Wehhh, sampai hati kau…” F sambut.

4. Aku kena marah dengan mereka berdua. “Bukan wife kau pun. Penat badan je drive jauh-jauh buat apa. Effort semua tu. Rugi masa, tenaga, duit kau semua. Tak payah dah lepas ni.”

5. Awww, so overprotective of me. Aku nak melawan dan cakap ia adalah sesuatu yang aku buat dengan rela hati tanpa paksaan sesiapa, tetapi mengenangkan siri bebelan yang bakal aku terima, jadi aku hanya mampu ketawa.

6. Mereka ketawa bila dengar aku cakap loghat Perak. F, walaupun tinggal di Taiping, dia tak tahu cakap loghat Perak. Sama seperti manusia di tempat tinggalnya, kebanyakan bertutur menggunakan loghat Utara.

7. “Aku cakap loghat Perak boleh, Utara boleh, cakap stail orang KL pun boleh, doh.” Aku beritahu.

8. I have so much to write about them!

9. And yes, about me too!

10. Sweet talker? Still.

11. (null)

12. I had fun writing all kind of stuff about them.  The end.

Seharian dengan manusia kegemaran (11)

“Tak reti masak ke, tak pandai kemas rumah ke, aku tak kisah. Kau carikan aku yang cantik je.” Aku cakap sewaktu kami berjalan mencari tempat melepak dalam sebuah pusat beli-belah. Oleh kerana rancangan menonton filem tak jadi, ia wajib diganti dengan aktiviti yang lebih atau sama tahap seronok. Hence, sesi lepak minum.

“Ada, kalau kau nak kenal,” Nad balas. I don’t know if this is the kind of friend that she’d like to never hear from again. Well, because I have a long history of effortlessly screwing things up when it comes to any relationship. Mungkin ini adalah kawan yang Nad kurang gemar, jadi dia mahu kenalkan kepada aku, supaya apabila apa-apa terjadi kelak, Nad akan dipersalahkan, dan mereka berdua tidak lagi menjadi kawan. Oh my, how sneaky!

I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Pardon my ridiculous train of thoughts.

“Bak tengok gambar dia.” Aku pinta.

Hey hey, don’t judge me. You know what they say, dari mata turun ke hati. Maka, perkara pertama yang patut dilakukan adalah melihat wajahnya terlebih dahulu.

Nad tunjukkan aku gambar-gambar daripada akaun Instagram perempuan ini. Apa nama perempuan ini aku kurang pasti; tak ingat. Umurnya sebaya aku, mungkin. Hell, I don’t remember much.

“Cantik tak?” Nad tanya.

“Cantik,” aku balas. Dari pemerhatian kasar berdasarkan gambar-gambar tersebut, I guess it’s safe to say that she’s way out of my league.

“High maintenance?” Aku tanya.

“Tak la. Biasa-biasa je. Dia ni dah lama single.”

“Dia orang mana?”

“KL.”

Nahhhh, I’ll pass.

Seharian dengan manusia kegemaran (9)

I told them I don’t understand women’s erratic behavior. Lepas satu, satu. Lepas satu, satu. All I’m trying to say is, I certainly can handle them at their worst, or somehow adapt or improvise to cater their fussiness and whatnot. But I still don’t get it. “You girls can never be predicted.”

“Perempuan kot. What do you expect?”

Seharian dengan manusia kegemaran (8)

My face lights up every time I get the chance to talk about Perempuan Paling Cantik Dalam Dunia. “Cantik gila. Cantik sangat-sangat.” Mereka ketawa melihat reaksi aku mengepal penumbuk, mengetap bibir seolah-olah geram sambil bercerita. She’s so cute, how can I not?

I told them the real reason why it didn’t work out. Macam biasa, kalau tak kena bebel, maka tak sah. “Kau ni kan… Bla bla bla…”

“Aku ni dah la handsome. Memang sepadan. Kalau dapat anak, mesti comel gila.” That’s me being so full of myself.

But it’s true though. Aku beritahu mereka berdua, entah kenapa, setiap kali jumpa mana-mana perempuan yang pasangan lelakinya lebih cedoi dan barai daripada aku, aku jadi tak berapa heran sangat. Nak cemburu pun tak sampai hati. Like I said, I’m just so full of myself. Vain at its finest.

Anyway, back to Perempuan Paling Cantik Dalam Dunia. There’s not much to tell anymore. Lagipun, aku datang bukan untuk mengadu kepada mereka tentang hubungan cinta lepas yang tak menjadi. Buang masa, aku cakap. Aku datang untuk habiskan masa berseronok, berbual dan ketawa. Fuck all else.

“Cantik gila. Cantik sangat-sangat.”

Aku ulang lima enam kali dengan penuh teruja, sampai mereka berdua naik menyampah.

Seharian dengan manusia kegemaran (7)

“Kau pergi jumpa dia haritu buat apa? Kenapa nak kena jumpa lagi?” Nad dan F tanya aku soalan ini dengan muka penuh hairan. I laughed and said I’m not sure, I don’t have answer to that one.

“Dia ada boyfriend?”

“Ada.”

“So? Kenapa nak kena jumpa lagi?”

It wasn’t a date, I told them. It was just two friends hanging out together. Which is why I don’t really understand their question.

Dan kemudian aku kena bebel tak henti-henti. And they just won’t stop. Bla bla bla… Bla bla bla…

I told them, at first I was having trouble letting go of the attachment. I was so afraid I’m going to run out of things to write. So I went to meet her. Twice. Because for the past few months, I’ve shifted my writing priority for a different audience. For her, to be precise. I shouldn’t have done that. Such a rookie mistake.

But then I realized, I’m still able to write as usual, like I always do. With or without her. Untuk membuktikan kebimbangan aku adalah sesuatu yang tidak berasas.

For all I care, things ended well for both of us. Sure, we certainly don’t share anything anymore. Not that I don’t want to, though. But most of the time, it just don’t feel right since she already have a boyfriend. And I’m scared that my existence may add nothing but redundancy.

But I’m glad we’re not hating on each other. I really am.

Seharian dengan manusia kegemaran (6)

They talked about my writing. Okay, not they, but we. We talked about my writing. Okay, okay… I talked about my writing. Mehh what can I do? I’m a natural born narcissist.

Nad has always been my so-called proofreader since the very beginning. Dan F, well… F selalu suruh aku tulis sesuatu tentang dia. Tetapi itu cerita lama. Now, not anymore.

Kalau orang tanya sama ada tulisan aku ada peminat ataupun tidak, aku akan segera mengangguk, dan halakan jari telunjuk ke arah mereka berdua. Sebab tak ada manusia lain dalam dunia ini yang hargai tulisan aku lebih daripada mereka. Manusia yang sentiasa menjadi tulang belakang untuk aku menulis dengan lebih baik. Manusia yang tak pernah jemu suruh aku tulis buku. Manusia yang sanggup tadah telinga dengar aku membebel syok sendiri bercerita tentang tulisan aku.

“Takde masa la. Busy ni, busy.” Aku beri alasan.

“Ahh kau, pemalas.” Bukan malas sebenarnya. Tetapi lebih kepada tak jumpa formula sesuai untuk menulis sesuatu dan sustain energi yang sama dari awal sehingga habis. Aku juga tak dapat alihkan keseronokan menulis meaningless notes ke arah sesuatu yang lebih konstruktif.

And what the hell, yes, I’m just lazy. That’s part of the reason as well.

“You do realize that I don’t write for fame, right?” Kalaupun aku mampu siapkan sebuah buku, it wouldn’t be for mass audience. Ia hanya untuk manusia-manusia kegemaran dan kawan-kawan rapat yang sentiasa ada di sisi aku.

I’m sorry, but I don’t write to impress anyone. I write, because I want to. Not because I’m trying to get into someone’s pants. Bukan sebab nak cairkan hati sesiapa. Bukan sebab nak sakitkan hati sesiapa. Bukan sebab aku perlukan validation daripada masyarakat. Bukan sebab nak buktikan aku lebih bagus daripada sesiapa. Bukan sebab nak acah-acah ikut trend. Let me remind you again. I write, because I want to.

Writing, has always been sort of escapism for me. Tempat di mana aku selesa menukarkan apa-apa memori ke dalam bentuk teks bacaan. Aku tak pernah peduli jika ada manusia tersinggung atau apa, because deep down inside, that’s not what I meant to do.

Kerana hidup ini ternyata terlalu singkat untuk aku dihabiskan sekadar bergelumang dengan hal-hal negatif dan picisan.

Seharian dengan manusia kegemaran (5)

It was raining outside, and we were left with nothing else to do. Perut penuh dengan pastri dan makanan tengah hari yang masih belum hadam.

Nad pelawa aku berehat ke rumah neneknya. I have no idea why I said yes. Perhaps I was too tired of driving around town, and I need to lay down for a bit.

Kemudian, seolah-olah dilanda cognitive dissonance, aku mula meragui tindakan awal bersetuju tadi. Unnecessary social interaction, that’s what I’m afraid of.

The look of my face kinda tells it all. Pucat, panik, termenung, dan penuh runsing. Mereka perasan, dan terus ketawa. “Relaks la. Bukannya ada apa pun.” Hell, I’ll be in hell. Set of questions like, tinggal mana, kerja apa, nama siapa, dah lama kenal ke, tidur sini ke, pukul berapa nak balik, dsbnya.

I really don’t want to be in that situation. Like I said, hell. Eternal damnation. I’m super-shy, awkward, potatohead and clumsy, all in one go. I’ll be dead within a minute of interaction. They’ll paralyze me to death with all kind of nonsensical questions.

I was right. Sewaktu melepak di ruang tamu, sambil dihidang cucur apa entah yang aku makan cuma seketul, bertalu-talu soalan ditanya. Me being the usual me, jawab sepatah demi sepatah. Literally, sepatah demi sepatah.

“Balik malam ni ke?”

“Ya.”

“Tak letih ke? Tidur la semalam dekat sini.”

“Eh, takpe takpe. Esok kerja.”

“Datang dengan siapa?”

“Sorang. Saje nak jumpa diorang.”

“Bla bla bla…”

“Ya.”

“Dah kerja ke?”

“Dah.”

“Yada yada yada…”

“Ya.”

I finds it so hard to talk to people I’m not familiar with. Aku boleh berusaha untuk berlakon jadi lebih peramah dan berbual mesra macam manusia normal, but get this, I really don’t want to. I’m not build for that kind of interaction.

We watched The Wedding Ringer together. I told F, “ini first time aku duduk depan tivi tahun ni.”

She looked at me, “serius?”

Aku angguk. Aku cakap aku jarang tonton tivi. Entah apa rancangan baru di tivi, aku tak pernah ambil peduli. For me, Astro subscription is just plain waste of money. From what I heard, rancangan yang maha berulang, siaran yang sentiasa terganggu bila cuaca buruk, dan kadar bil yang tak masuk akal.

Aku terlena seketika di atas sofa ruang tamu. I was really tired. I was up from 6AM, selesaikan urusan kerja sampai pukul 9 pagi, balik rumah untuk bersiap, and I’m out driving at 10AM. Of course I didn’t tell them that. Mereka ingat aku bertolak lewat sebab aku bangun lewat. Hell no.

“Pergi la baring dalam bilik.”

“Eh, takpe takpe.”

F membebel apa entah di sebelah aku. I couldn’t care less. Yang aku tahu, a little nap, sembahyang Maghrib, keluar makan malam, kemudian hantar mereka pulang, dan terus balik ke rumah.

Seharian dengan manusia kegemaran (4)

F suruh aku ambil dia di Hentian Duta pukul 12 tengah hari. Aku cakap yang aku mungkin sampai lewat, memandangkan aku keluar rumah pukul 10 pagi. Lagipun, aku ingatkan aku perlu jemput mereka berdua di rumah Nad di Taman Pinggiran Templer (where the hell is this place, I have no freakin’ idea, kalau tak ada aplikasi Waze, dah lama aku sesat). Rupanya tak. Aku terpaksa jemput mereka di rumah neneknya di Klang.

“Suruh la Nad ambil kau dulu. I’m heading straight to Klang. Lepastu kita gerak la sekali.”

That’s the plan. That’s the actual plan. Tetapi bila aku dah hampir nak sampai, lain pula jadinya. Aku disuruh masuk ke Shah Alam Seksyen berapa entah, and wait for them to arrive. Luck was on my side. After driving for about twenty minutes, we arrived at the same time.

“Let’s go get something to eat first.” Which brings us to Bakso Monster. Seumur hidup aku tak pernah makan bakso sebenarnya. Kinda like meatballs. A huge one, hence its name. Aku tak ada rujukan bakso sepatutnya rasa bagaimana, maka selamat untuk aku cakap, ia sesuatu yang boleh tahan. Nak kata sedap gila babi pun tak juga.

Dan macam biasa, aku merungut tak sedap kepada mereka. I’m always like that. You know, just to piss them off.

“Kau makan apa benda pun cakap tak sedap. Tapi habis jugak.” Ahh, they knew me too well. Sebab itu mereka menyampah bawa aku keluar makan, ada saja benda tak kena.

“Nak pergi tak pesta buku?”

Aku beritahu yang aku macam malas nak pergi. I don’t feel like buying anything. Buku di rumah pun dah penuh satu rak tak dibaca, maka ia adalah kerja bangang untuk menambah koleksi yang hanya akan mengumpul debu kelak.

“Let’s do something else.” Tak kisahlah apa-apa pun, aku cakap. I told almost everyone that I’m coming to KL. I was just being polite, walaupun tujuan asal aku datang ke sini adalah semata-mata untuk berjumpa mereka berdua. Hanya sekadar itu.

Because we have so many things to talk about. Dan seharian bersama mereka seolah-olah langsung tidak mencukupi.

Seharian dengan manusia kegemaran (3)

Tatkala duduk melepak dengan mereka berdua ini, aku boleh berborak tentang apa sahaja. Sure, I may have not share everything with them, but they are here in my life for a reason. Because I feel comfortable around them. And they are certainly comfortable of having me around them too.

Ini adalah takah penanda aras kepada segala-galanya. Keupayaan untuk bergaul tanpa cepat terasa hati dan selesa untuk menjadi diri sendiri tanpa ada sebarang kegusaran tidak berasas.

I have known them both since the first day of college years. Since July 2009, to be exact. We were classmates for two years or so. I swear to God, they are a whole lot of fun to hang around. Senang cerita, mereka adalah manusia yang sentiasa membawa bibit-bibit keceriaan dan kegembiraan. Dan kami boleh duduk bersama, menuras semula cerita-cerita lama sambil ketawa, tanpa perlu rasa kekok atau apa. Believe me, we go back a long way in this story. What is there to explain? 7 years of ups and downs while befriend with each other.

Selalunya orang yang takut dengan bayang-bayang masa silam ini adalah orang yang akan sentiasa skeptik dengan hidup. No, I am never afraid of my past. Kalau boleh, aku sentiasa mahu mampu bergurau tentangnya.

Everyone knows I fancy F like crazy. Well, used to. She is the first girl I have ever written something about. Perempuan pertama aku puja dalam setiap tulisan. Perempuan pertama aku abadikan dalam setiap patah kata. Perempuan yang akan selamanya hidup dalam kerangka huruf yang aku cipta. All the letters, books, cheesy poems, hundreds of notes, and everything.

So it is understandable why it took me two freakin’ years to get rid the thought of her completely from my mind. But now, look where we are. Sitting, laughing, talking about her marriage, about my current life, my tragic love life, hanging around and such.

I looked at her face, and I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. For all I care, I genuinely want her to be happy. She deserves all the happiness in this world. Because she used to play an important part of my life. The one that teaches me so many things in life. The one that let me enters her life despite knowing that I have nothing to offer. The one that inspires me to always write better. The one that enables me to become who I really am today.

I once told the guy she is with now to take a good care of her. I really meant it. I really do. No jealousy. No bitterness. No nothing whatsoever.

Because I never want to hear her sobbing over the phone anymore.

Seharian dengan manusia kegemaran (2)

It would appear that most of my college friends are getting married or are already married. Aku dapat tahu ini sewaktu kami duduk berbual tentang manusia-manusia yang pernah hadir dalam fasa awal hidup aku.

“Jauh gila aku dah ketinggalan ni,” aku geleng kepala. I don’t know shit about my college friends anymore. Di mana mereka tinggal, apa mereka buat, kerja apa, dah berumahtangga atau belum, sakit, cacat atau apa yada yada yada. 

Well… to be fair, I couldn’t care less. 

They told me Syamira is getting married soon. Dengan teman lelaki baru, seorang warga Thailand, yang dia kenal di tempat kerjanya.

“For real?” Rasa macam nak tersembur air dalam mulut aku. Bukan terkejut sebab dia nak kahwin dengan warga Thailand, tapi terkejut atas sebab lain. Whatever happened to her old boyfriend, I further asked.

“Syamira kata dia dah tak nampak future diorang together.”

“For real?” Aku ulang lagi. Pardon my reaction, but who would have ever thought of that? Kerana ini adalah perempuan sama yang pernah beritahu aku satu ketika dahulu, seharian tanpa dihubungi teman lelaki lamanya akan membuatkan dia berasa gelisah dan tak senang duduk.

And funny how it took her 7 years to realize that they had no future of being together. 7 freakin’ years. While it only took me several months, tops.

“Pergi tak wedding Kiki haritu? Kau kan kawan baik dia dulu,” Nad tanya.

“Tak.” Aku balas. Tak kena jemput sebenarnya, aku beritahu. Aku tak bergurau bila aku cakap yang aku dah jauh ketinggalan. Sedar tak sedar, mungkin ada antara mereka yang dah lama meninggal dunia, dan aku masih belum dapat tahu.

But I wish him nothing but a life of happiness and fulfillment. We’ll meet again someday, of that I’m sure.

Random crapola (2)

1. All my bills and commitment due on 5th May. Sekarang dah 4 hari berlalu, aku masih lagi tenang, dan tak peduli.

2. No reason, though. I’m just… lazy. And I really can’t be bothered.

3. Am I not adult enough?

4. That reminds me, dua buah kereta perlu dibasuh segera sebab kotor, berhabuk, dan berlumpur gila babi. But then, kindly refer back to point number 2.

5. Macam orang Utara cakap, “awat hang ni penyegan sampai tara tu?”

6. Come to think of it, I really can’t work under people. I like to do things on my own.

7. I really don’t like people telling me what to do. Because people are stupid.

8. Don’t get me wrong. I’m open to any kind of suggestion, discussion or advice or anything. Aku hargai segala kata-kata nasihat dan petunjuk. Sebab aku bukan jenis bodoh sombong dan keras kepala tak tentu hala. And I know I’m not always right. But one thing for sure, I need to be in control of my final decision. I can’t never let anyone decides anything for me. Get it?

9. Bateri phone tinggal 14% dan masih tak cari charger.

10. “I don’t plan to live that long,” aku cakap pada Nad dan F. Terus aku kena marah, dibebel dan dicop tak ada iman.

11. Let me sleep. Now, go fuck yourself.

Monday breakfast session

A friend came over to my house to have breakfast this morning. My usual routine: pergi kerja pukul tujuh pagi, kemudian balik rumah pukul sembilan pagi. I got roughly thirty minutes each day (except on weekends) for this sacred routine.

He was in luck. Ada mee goreng penuh satu kuali di dapur. Mee goreng yang aku sendiri tak sentuh, sebab aku dah bungkus nasi lemak di gerai tepi jalan. Selalunya begitulah. Bila aku bungkus makanan di luar, akan ada makanan di dapur. Bila aku tak bungkus apa-apa, dapur sunyi sepi tanpa ada apa-apa.

We talked about weather. About our recent trip to KL. About Murni restaurant. About how shitty Kuala Selangor - Klang road. About our friend who just got a new job in Petaling Jaya. About my cats and so on.

Sitiawan was blessed with rain pouring down heavily last night. Hujan yang menyebabkan aku sedikit liat untuk celik mata pagi ini. It was nice and cozy under my blanket. What else to say other than, screw you Monday, screw you.

“Aku balik ikut Sungkai malam tu,” aku beritahu. “Gelap pun, gelaplah. Daripada kena lalu jalan teruk.” Tak kira guna jalan apa sekalipun, selalunya masa yang diambil untuk sampai ke KL dari Sitiawan adalah sekitar tiga sehingga empat jam. Bergantung juga kepada trafik, cara pemanduan, dan tempat yang ingin dituju.

You see, I’m all set for a long drive. Gas up my car. Reload my Touch ‘n Go card. Buy two cans of Nescafe. A pack of cigarette. Or something to chew while I’m driving. That’s all. Because mehhh, distance don’t matter to me. Dan aku jenis tak berkira sangat tentang masa dan tenaga aku.

“Korang belanja aku makan,” macam aku cakap kepada F dan Nad tempoh hari. Nad belanja makan tengah hari, dan F makan malam. It’s almost customary, and kinda self-explanatory as well. Masing-masing faham tatacara melayan kawan-kawan. Aku datang tempat mereka, mereka belanja aku makan. Mereka datang tempat aku, giliran aku pula untuk belanja mereka.

It’s a two-way street, don’t you think?

Of pleasant dinner with Nad and her friend (3)

“Esok pergi la breakfast dekat Hollywood,” aku pesan kepada Nad. We went there once back in 2011. With F, Kiki, Meon, Syamira and the others. Sudah lima tahun berlalu, untuk membuktikan bahawa masa tidak pernah menunggu sesiapa.

“Pergi tak?” Aku tanya semula keesokan harinya.

Tak sempat, bangun lewat, katanya. And they went back to KL straight away.

Random crapola

1. Ahad yang sibuk. Merata-rata luka kecil di celah jari aku.

2. Tetapi aku dapat tidur puas sepanjang petang. So I got that goin’ for me, which is nice.

3. Tak ada siapa dalam dunia ini panggil aku along kecuali seorang pakcik yang aku sendiri tak tahu namanya.

4. Tak ada siapa dalam dunia ini sentiasa sebut betul-betul nama aku Aliff (Aliff as in A-lift, not A-left) kecuali Anies.

5. Hujung minggu yang rasa macam hujung minggu. For all I care, I had a great one.

6. Pasar malam is bae.

7. Why am I writing this shit down at 1AM?

Seharian dengan manusia kegemaran

1. Kalau aku tahu jalanraya sepanjang dari Kuala Selangor sehingga Klang teruk macam lancau, baik aku ikut jalan Teluk Intan - Sungkai.

2. F suruh aku ambil air dia atas meja ruang tamu, “Alep, tolong ambil kejap.” Aku yang separuh berbaring di atas sofa, pandang dia dengan penuh stoic, dan angkat jari tengah. Terus F mengadu, “Naddddddd, tengok dia ni!”

3. “Kalau kau tak datang wedding aku nanti, aku bakar kau.” - Nad

4. “Aku tak kira kau nak pergi Italy ke apa lepas raya, kau kena datang jugak wedding aku dulu. Kalau tak, aku tak datang wedding kau nanti.” - F

5. “Tak reti masak ke, tak pandai kemas rumah ke, aku tak kisah. Kau carikan aku yang cantik je.” - Alep

6. Book fest can go choke on a dick.

7. “Okay la, aku nak kena blah awal, nak lepak dengan kawan aku dekat KLCC petang ni,” aku bergurau dengan mereka. “Kau ingat kitorang nak lepaskan kau ke?”

8. “Yeay, dapat naik kereta keluarga!” - Nad dan F

9.  “Bakso Monster tu sedap tak?” - Dish

10. “I nak bagitau I tak dapat ikut sekali. Enjoy your day okay.” - Aiman

11. Cadang nak tonton Ada Apa Dengan Cinta 2 di Setia Alam Mall. But one thing led to another, kami akhirnya duduk melepak makan segala macam jenis pastri.

12. “Ye la, kahwin kan sekali je,” F cakap. “Harap-harap sekali je la…” aku balas. “Kau ni bongok laaaa!”

13. Kami berbual tentang banyak perkara. Terlalu banyak perkara, sebenarnya. 

14. “Kau pergi jumpa dia haritu buat apa? Kenapa nak kena jumpa lagi?” Nad dan F tanya aku soalan ini dengan muka penuh hairan.

15. “Entah. Aku pun tak sure sebenarnya.” Apparently, ia bukanlah jawapan yang betul. Sebab aku kena bebel selepas itu.

16. Too much to write about them. But it don’t matter. Nant-nanti pun boleh.

17. Inilah dua orang manusia yang setiap kali aku tulis benda baru, aku akan bagi mereka baca dulu, dan minta pendapat.

18. Bitch please, kau ingat tulisan aku takde quality control ke?

19. F adalah manusia paling cemerkap aku pernah kenal. “Macam mana la kau nak jadi isteri orang ni?” Aku tanya.

20. “Kau dah kenapa pakai tuala jadi tudung ni? Siap letak pin lagi?” Macam aku cakap tadi, F adalah manusia paling cemerkap aku pernah kenal.

21. Aku tersilap ambil kad dalam dompet, dan tersentuh kad debit Maybank di mesin Touch ‘n Go. Kami ketawa macam orang tak betul dalam kereta.

Of pleasant dinner

Earlier that day, I asked Nad, “Your friend will be joining us too?”

She said yes. You see, aku tak ada masalah untuk duduk semeja dengan manusia aku tak kenal. A bit uncomfortable at first, but nahh I'mma manage somehow. Aku cuma takut kalau aku terbuat lawak tak senonoh atau tersasul cakap benda mengarut. And she’ll be like, “what the fuck is wrong with this guy?”

Nad was being her usual self. Sometimes I forgot how talkative she really can be. Sekejap dia bercerita tentang itu. Sekejap dia bercerita tentang ini. Sekejap dia ketawa. But it was great. Although we rarely see each other these days, we can easily pick up from where we left off. No awkward silence. No uneasy questions about each other’s lives. No constantly checking up the phone because we got bored talking to each other.

She introduced her friend to me right after the waiter took our order. “Alep, ini bla bla bla… Bla bla bla, ini Alep.”

I didn’t quite catch her name. Lebih-lebih lagi dengan suasana kafe penuh manusia. Aku cuma angguk, senyum, dan pura-pura dengar. I wasn’t sure about asking for the second time. Aku fikir ini kebolehan diri yang agak berguna sebenarnya. The ability to pretend like I give a damn about the things people say. Mudah: angguk dan senyum, angguk dan senyum, angguk dan senyum.

“Sebaya ke?” Aku tanya. Dan kemudian Nad terang panjang lebar, dia belajar di UTP, doing degree in something bla bla bla, third year something bla bla bla, dan entah apa lagi bla bla bla.

Perhaps it’s true. We only remember things that we want to remember. No, don’t get me wrong. Not that I’m not interested to know. Not that I don’t care. But of all the things about her, I noticed she has a really nice set of teeth. Rasa ringan mulut nak puji, tetapi ia adalah sesuatu yang maha bebal untuk tiba-tiba puji gigi manusia yang kau baru jumpa tak sampai satu jam.

Being a persistent person that I am, I asked Nad again. Kali ini sewaktu kami bangun dari meja makan, dan menuju ke kaunter bayaran. “What’s your friend’s name?” 

“Bla bla bla…”  Damn it! Mungkin aku patut jumpa doktor, dan periksa pendengaran aku. Dan sama macam tadi, aku cuma angguk, senyum, dan pura-pura dengar. 

Aku cucuh sebatang rokok sementara menunggu enjin kereta dihidupkan. Sebaik sahaja melambai tangan sewaktu kereta mereka berlalu melepasi aku, cepat-cepat aku hantar pesanan teks kepada Nad. 

“What’s her name again?”

“Wan Amirah.” Nad tanya, kenapa aku tanya. “Are you going to---”

“Of courseeeeee.” Aku balas. Rasa lega gila setelah dapat tahu, dan tak lagi tertanya-tanya dalam sebuah ketidakpastian. Aku campak puntung dalam longkang, hembus keluar asap rokok terakhir, masuk dalam kereta, hidupkan penghawa dingin, pasang lagu kegemaran, memandu laju pulang, dan singgah main snooker dengan kawan-kawan sebelum balik ke rumah.

Of pleasant dinner with Nad and her friend

It was a pleasant dinner with Nad and her friend. Walaupun ia makan malam yang dirancang tergesa-gesa, dan aku terpaksa lupakan rancangan asal untuk keluar melepak dengan kawan-kawan, but it was definitely worth the drive. Mind you, I’m not ditching anyone. I never ditched anyone. Sebab aku awal-awal lagi sudah memenuhi tuntutan kuota melepak dengan mereka waktu petang sebelum itu.

Mehh the guilt is still there. But I can live with that.

“Kalau kau tak ajak aku keluar dinner ni, aku cadang nak tidur je tadi.” I told Nad. Because I was sleepy as hell. Tapi tak mengapa, Seri Iskandar lagipun. Tak jauh tara mana. Kalau aku bantai bawa kereta dengan laju, lebih kurang setengah jam dah sampai. Tambahan pula keluar memandu pada malam hari bekerja, tak banyak kenderaan atas jalanraya untuk sakitkan hati aku.

I’ll be seeing her again, along with F, tomorrow. We made plans earlier this week to go to the lousy book fest together. Not really looking forward to it though. For all I care, I just want to take a day off work and spend some quality time with good friends.

And good food too. Sebab kali ini adalah giliran mereka berdua pula untuk belanja aku makan.

Ahh can’t wait for tomorrow!

Cubaan memahami Dunia dan segala isinya

F is getting married soon. At least that’s what I heard from my other friends, for I haven’t been in touch with her for quite some time.

I think the last time I met her was in Ipoh. We were having dinner with Miss F and Nad at one of the local hipster cafe in town. Aku tak semena-mena kena paksa belanja makan, because according to them, “kau dah kaya sekarang.” I don’t know who the hell gave them that idea. I was broke as hell. And Ummi Nazeera was there too that night. Well, not at the same table as ours.

I still remember I pretended that I don’t recognize her at first glance. “Ummi Nazeera who? Pelakon ke apa?” Selaku lelaki alfa, sudah tentulah ia sesuatu yang tidak cool untuk mengaku kenal artis begini.

Anyway, back to F. She went to perform an umrah last month. I didn’t know that either. Kebetulan aku dapat tahu daripada seorang kawan. The last time I texted her, we were talking about my obsession with Thailand. I told her it was my second favorite country in the world. Apart from massive bombing incident and political instability, what’s there not to love about Thailand? We further talked about Indonesia, and some other banal topic that I can no longer remember. But she never mentioned anything about settling down. Or did she? I’m not sure. This news came as quite a surprise to me.

Perhaps I may have forgotten the fact that I don’t play any important roles and my existence have no value added whatsoever in her life anymore. Apa-apa janji, atau ingatan, atau harapan, atau ikatan, atau perkongsian, atau persamaan, atau persahabatan, atau apa-apa, akan terlerai ditelan waktu. Selalunya begitulah. Manusia datang dan pergi, datang dan pergi, datang dan pergi. I’m getting pretty used to it, by the way.

All in all, to be able to figure out the right path of life so quickly at this age, good for her then. And I’m happy for her.

Macam aku cakap dengan seorang kawan tempoh hari, “I always say I’m happy for other people. And I want nothing but the best for them. I’m only saying it because that’s the kind of thing that people want to hear, and it makes them happy. So, why not? When the truth is, I just don’t feel a thing. Because I don’t have any clear context regarding their lives.”

Nak kata gembira, tak juga. Nak kata sedih, tak juga. Nak kata terharu, pun tak juga. Nak kata cemburu, lagilah tak. Seolah-olah, definisi kegembiraan aku adalah untuk buat manusia lain berasa senang, lega, dan gembira. Because that’s what really matters most to me.

To be honest, I have lost the ability to perceive the reality beyond my own little world. Perihal ini yang aku cuba bualkan dengan Miss F sebelum ini. Most people don’t understand my situation. They’re so quick to judge. They see me as a severely damaged human being. Someone who can’t love well enough. Someone who can’t commit for a long period of time. Someone who are not worthy of anything. Someone who are broken beyond repair. Someone who purposely intend to hurt them.

No, I’m not. I really am not.

I just want to lead a normal life. Less hassle. Less struggle. Less everything. With people I care so much and capable of having nonchalant interaction on a daily basis. That’s all I’m asking. That’s all.

2:40PM Tuesday 3 May 2016

And fade out again

I had a conversation with Miss F few days ago. And because of certain issues that we talked about, I’m too scared to write anything right now. Percayalah, aku ada konflik diri yang terlalu besar untuk terus serta-merta ditangani dalam sekelip mata. A war within self, sort of.

Nevermind that. That’s another story for another time.

Anyway, nothing much going on with my life. Same old, same old. Except I have been working too hard for the past few weeks. Sehinggalah pagi tadi, terdetik dalam hati, sewaktu kawan-kawan hantar gambar makan sarapan pagi bersama, “when was the last time I’m on leave?”

150 days ago, to be exact. But mehh, what’s the point of keeping score?

I’m exhausted to the core. Mentally and psychically worn out. Belakang aku sakit. Kepala aku sakit. Mata aku bengkak tak cukup tidur. Bangun setiap pagi dengan hati berat untuk melawan Dunia. Letih gila babi melayan hal kerja seorang diri. No, I’m not complaining. I’m just voicing out my weariness to no one but myself.

Hey if not me, who else?

And to sum up my busy long weekend, I watched Captain America: Civil War with bunch of friends. It was okay. I really don’t give a shit anymore about what kind of movies I’m sitting through. As long as it’s not pretentious or sappy or draggy, I’m all set to spend a little amount of money to go and watch it.

Hujung minggu adalah hari di mana aku tak berapa kisah sangat untuk berbelanja lebih untuk diri sendiri dan juga manusia lain. Makan makanan sedap. Beli aiskrim. Beli chocolate bar. Hisap rokok yang mahal dari kebiasaan. Pergi pasar raya atau pasar malam untuk beli benda yang aku jarang beli. Isi minyak kereta dan memandu tanpa tujuan. Bawa Haikal ke kedai untuk beli apa yang dia suka.

Kerana manusia lain dapat bercuti dan bersenang-lenang setiap hujung minggu, dan aku pula bertungkus-lumus bekerja separuh mati. So I deserve this kind of treatment for myself. Perhaps it’s the little things that makes me genuinely happy.

I made plans with Nad this upcoming Thursday. An impromptu one, nonetheless. Cadangnya nak pergi ke pesta buku, but I’m contemplating. It looks like a lot of hassle to reach there. Plus, I really don’t like big crowds. It’s suffocating. Entah apa yang seronok bersesak di celah manusia, melepak lama-lama di booth jualan dan menjadi haiwan sosial, aku sendiri tak pasti.

But I’m still looking forward to meet her. I have so much to talk about.

1:40AM Tuesday 3 May 2016