14th Nov

 Officially 30 a week ago. Doakan aku makin banyak duit di hari mendatang. Lain-lain hal, tak penting sangat.

Chest-length to shoulder-length

 

January February March

1. I urge you to go fuck yourself.

2. good kid, m.A.A.d city on repeat.

3. Friend is battling cancer and struggling with his chemo treatment at the moment. Idk man...

4. Spotify tak premium ni useless (legit fucking useless) dekat phone je rupanya. Dekat tivi dengan iPad okay je takdak beza pun premium ke tak premium.

5. Americano dekat Tealive ni rasa macam butoh jugak sebenarnya. Padan muka I guess sebab beli kopi dekat kedai yang nama dia literally TEAlive.

6. I can tell if we gon vibe or not as soon as you open your mouth to talk. No need background story or personal details.

7. Money is one hell of a drug.

8. Order lunch bebanyak membawak ke dinner is my favorite sport.

 9. Kanye ni - his gila aside - music dia best gila kot. Top tier stuff 🤌🏻

 10. “... staged for comedic purposes but they’re lacking the comedy.”

11. Siapa yang design lampu belakang Proton Persona ni? Come here, I wanna talk for a bit.

12. Do you still have an Astro subscription or are you normal?

13. Aku rasa macam beli rumah sebijik tahun ni dan kahwin. I have little (borderline zero) faith in my own words, but I’m going to speak it into existence nonetheless. Stay tuned. Watch this space. 16/01/2021

14. My mantra for 2021: ‘I want it, I got it’ and ‘speaking it into existence’.

15. I will not speak it into existence any longer. Someone introduced me to [redacted] and I got scared real quick. No, no, aku ada banyak lagi benda lain nak buat. Idk man, it bothers the hella out of me. I like things the way they are now. 15/02/2021

16. Dengki ni penyakit sebenarnya. And I can’t relate. I mean... what’s the point really nak dengki? If you have an extra money, pls buy GR Yaris or Mazda 3. I will be extremely happy for you. Tq for living my dream.

17. Aku rasa momen terpaling overconfident in my life came about a month ago. Pergi Maybank nak cucuk 400 lepastu kena decline. Aku macam aik pehal ni. Check balance ada 100 je rupanya hu hu hu

18. Duit ni boleh beli macam-macam benda. With money I can afford to not get angry. Baru beli sekotak rokok misalnya, lepastu tetiba hilang, I’ll just go buy another. With money I can afford to be lazy, order delivery. With money I can afford a bit of sanity. Drive around bazir minyak listening to my fav songs. With money I can afford to be happy, even for a second. I’ll buy whatever I want. Let’s be real. Bergelut dengan emosi ini satu benda yang guna banyak tenaga dan masa. And I can’t afford those. Kau tak payah dengar la orang cakap money can’t buy [redacted]. They’re a bunch of idiots.

19. Orang yang romanticize poverty and hardship in life ini aku syak orang yang sama tryna glorify hidup back-to-basics suasana kampung bercucuk tanam bela ayam lembu sekor dua. Also lowkey orang yang sama mindlessly idealizing certain phase of their lives because they thought it was ‘simpler’ back then. Orang macam ini aku nak tuduh tak pernah rasa hidup susah pun sebenarnya. Ain’t nothing romantic about poverty or struggling to put food on the table.

20. Jangan hina orang punya upbringing, edu level, kerja halal etc. Direct your anger elsewhere. Hidup jangan dongak sangat kot esok makan tak habis satni.

21. Aku baru perasan time kucing aku tidur I’ll walk around her on tiptoe supaya dia tak terjaga since Lisa jenis senang terkejut. Punya la sayang sampai macam tu sekali. Also I let the AC run supaya dia tidur lagi walaupun aku dah keluar dari bilik. I deserve heaven for this.

22. Aku ingat nak sedekah la duit GKP Permai ni bagi kawan aku untuk rawatan chemo dia. May God ease everything for him.

23. #TIL sahm = stay at home mom

24. Investment portfolio aku semua low risk. Dah 2021 invest stail macam orang tua pun tak kena jugak. Maybe it’s time crank it up a notch. Let’s be more aggressive. Let’s go fucking mental.

25. I have a diet based on teringin. Basically bila rasa teringin something baru aku makan properly or else memang berterabur waktu makan. And it’s not going well for me.

26. Drank way too much coffee today. I only need a cup in the morning to function well as a normal human being throughout the day. But four cups, idk man... let’s go fucking mental I guess.

27. I prefer to eat alone. Even at home. Like... go ahead, you don’t have to wait. Or keep the food aside for me.

28. Kawan baik suspek kena kanser. Macam nak luruh jantung aku dengar tadi. Semoga Tuhan permudahkan semua. 20/01/2021

29. It’s confirmed. Aduhai tak semangat dengar 25/01/2021

30. Nasi kerabu ni cemane makan dia ekceli. Kena gaul semua sekaligus ke cemane.

31. In a dog-eat-dog world, you automatically gain the upper hand when you got money.

32. My way of dealing with emotions is to not deal with it. I keep myself busy with work and just sweep everything else under the rug. This is harmful actually. But one’s gotta do what one’s gotta do to stay sane. I feel numb most of the time. But also, I feel fine. But like... Ross kinda fine. Fine but not fine. But fine.

33. For the first few weeks I decided untuk cuti setiap hari isnin, I find it hard to not do anything. Rasa serba tak kena sebab aku abandon my usual work routine that I’ve built over the years. So I legit filled my day with the most trivial activities supaya Isnin aku jadi tak sia-sia. Jenuh jugak la nak adapt memula. But all is well now ✨

34. I don’t think we give Keshi enough credits. Sure, his lyrics are a bit cringey and [redacted]. But his sound and his production style - a typical bedroom producer, if you will - feels just homely 🏡

35. My ultimate life goal is to make shitload of money before I reach the age of 35 and retire early. Then put the money in any of the investment portfolio that guarantees [redacted] yearly dividend. I don’t think it’s doable but I’m going to speak it into existence nonetheless.

36. Beli controller PS4 tapi PS4 pun takde. First contender for the dumbest purchase of 2021.

37. 

2020 in a nutshell

 1. I developed a new habit of humming random rhythmic pattern to calm myself down. I usually do this in the middle of work where I often get ✨overwhelmed✨ Also, I developed a habit of grinding my teeth intensely whenever I try to focus on doing something.

2. Day 2 with Apple TV: it’s an Android box. A glorified T20 Android box, if you will. But no lag though. And that’s what matters.

3. Day 3 with Apple TV: managed to find a workarounds to enable Siri on this stupid box. 💯

4. Lunch aku harini RM78.75. Bayar restoran RM48.75. Kena saman parking time tengah makan RM30. 

5. Women are a whole lot braver than you ppl give them credit for. For example, they cut their own hair and surprisingly not afraid of fucking it up. I could never.

6. Do you ever apologize to your siblings or are you normal?

7. 

8. Orang yang bahasakan diri dengan nama sendiri instead of aku, saya, I like a normal person would ni sama bangang dengan orang bahasakan diri admin or min on the internet.

9. If you’re feeling a bit adventurous and open to listening to a new sound every now and then, use Spotify. But if you know what sound you’re looking for and know exactly where to find one, use Apple Music. If you’re an audiophile snob, use Tidal 🤧

10. Apple Music works flawlessly within the ecosystem, but I’d often get super frustrated cause it refused to create a palatable radio selection or a broad range of song suggestion.

11. 2020 is quite okay, for me at least, all things considered.

12. Dah lapan tahun aku self-employed, aku rasa benda aku paling lemah sekali sampai sekarang tak lain tak bukan bab taxation and accounting. Disclaimer: lemah as in malas nak mengadap buat. Bukan lemah sebab bodo taktau buat ☝🏼

13. You know when you look at someone, and wonder why they are behaving in a particular way. It’s all in their eyes.

14. I sleep with 9 pillows. At this rate, I  genuinely believe it’s kinda overkill though. 5 is enough.

15. Terpaling penting dalam hidup ini untuk tak bagitau orang you own hardware stuff macam tangga hammer etc. sebab potensi orang nak mai pinjam lepastu buat jadi harta dia tak reti nak pulang balik is too damn high totally not worth it.

16. I don’t get the obsession with looking at other people’s lives and feel [fill in the blank]. You do you. You’ll get there. Or maybe not. Who cares? You do you.

17. I think it needs to be said. Taking care of your family (tak kira dari segi apa sekalipun) it slowly strips away your humane side. Trust me, it will. Or maybe you just don’t realize it yet. Put aside your ikhlasness for a while. Let’s not forget that this is a demanding task. Satu kerja berat on top of everything else. You juggle life. Your own personal life. You juggle work. You juggle family. You juggle societal pressure. You juggle this. You juggle that. Dah macam sarkas. Might as well put on some clown suit. No I’m not complaining. I’m as ikhlas as I can be. Hell, I don’t even consider my family as a burden or anything. I love them with all my heart. But it still doesn’t take away the fact that this is not easy. And not for everyone apparently. I just think it needs to be said. Supaya orang tau this is not for the faint-hearted.

18. I have this ability to tune out human voices. I pretend like I listen to you but not really.

19. Baru lepas beli kereta, kena aku semacam ada unresolved feelings rasa nak beli sebijik lagi? Have I gone mad? Aku nak beli Mini Cooper sebijik.

20. The more i think of it, I’ve dated a bunch of psychos over the years. Or they will turn into one eventually.

21. Longan tin > laici tin.

22. Kepala aku sekarang tengah penuh dengan thoughts of [redacted]. This determination is... something else. If I could channel this energy into doing something useful, that’d be great.

23. Tiktok ni satu je masalah dia preventing me from using it religiously. Takde fast forward/backward button. Also, takde indicator berapa panjang satu video tu. Like, I NEED TO KNOW.

24. Taktau kenapa aku rasa nak beli tivi walaupun bukan kaki tengok tivi pun.

25. I go back and forth. On good days, I feel like I’m on top of the world. On bad days, [redacted].

26. I need to learn how to process my feelings accordingly. Banyak benda jadi/berlaku dalam hidup ni tapi tak rasa apa-apa. Mayb i is ded inside.

27. Aespa on its own is quite alright I guess. But don’t go and try to create another Blackpink. Sama je la macam K-pop industry tryna create another Big Bang back then. They all failed miserably I tell you.

28. When ppl say all K-pop groups looks the same, well... it’s actually true. Seminggu baru aku boleh differentiate which is which.

29. Maxed out my ASB savings. Today is a good day.

30. Benda paling best dalam tahun 2020 hands down goes to moratorium.

31. Second guessing myself as to why I want to buy a new car thus piling up my financial commitment. Idk why I’m so afraid to take up a new commitment of any sort. And the more I think about it, committing (to something, someone) isn’t that hard. No, not really. The process of getting or starting one is. Idk what causes this so-called trauma or phobia. Trust issues? Emotional abandonment? Attachment? Fear of failure? Why do I keep pushing things/people away from me? What went wrong? And here’s the thing. On paper, everything looks okay. Great actually. But it doesn’t always translate well in real life. For example, I sincerely believe I’m ready for marriage, but I really really don’t want to. And I honestly believe I can afford a new car without hurting me financially, somehow squeezing another one into the already huge pile of monthly expenses, but there’s a part of me that constantly saying uhmm... no. I mean talk about missed opportunity over the years where I refused to let anyone or anything get in my way.

32. Sape la yang design interface website dengan app Domino’s Pizza ni. 10 out 10 frustrating experience unlike any other.

33. Dah lapan minggu straight aku cuti tiap hari isnin. For someone who used to work 360 days out of 365 last year, not gonna lie this feels weird actually.

34. Economy’s bad when distant relatives - yang jarang gila atau tak pernah jumpa - tetiba one by one datang rumah untuk promote barang jualan. We are all in this together. Aku cuba support setakat yang termampu.

35. Sambal tempoyak ikan bilis came up in my conversation with this one akak yesterday. Told her I never tried it before. Never even heard of it tbh. She looked at me and said, “Kamu ni betoi ke orang Perak?”

36. I’m still trying to soak it all in. Let me, at least, have today. Officially 29 today. Cheers to that. Live long and prosper dear self. Be happy. Don’t worry too much. You’ll be fine. Everything is going to be alright. Have faith.

37. I don’t think I process all of my emotions properly for the past few days. I kinda just shoved everything down someplace else. But it’s there. Bubbling under. And it’s gonna come back and bite me in the ass sooner or later.

38. My biggest achievement this year is hitting 200K mark in company’s bank account last month. I believe this calls for a celebration. Sometimes I wonder how I got to this point of my life. I’ve come a longggg way. At the age of 29, is this considered successful? Have I reached my personal peak? Is there any room for improvement? Will I be able to sustain my financial growth? I have no idea. But not gonna lie, it feels unreal. Feels like a dream. Complete madness. Chaotic fuckery. Emotional rollercoaster. All sort of feelings. And I find it hard to talk to anyone about it. More often than not, people look down on me. Simply because this so-called ‘achievement’ doesn’t really translate well in real life and my lifestyle. I’m the embodiment of idk... unlavishness. Ah the hell with social status. I strive to live enough within my means. Let’s go celebrate. Stan Blackpink. Stream their album.

39. 시발 진짜 존나 실제 상관도 없는 일에, 애가 이렇게 끌려나오게 만드니까 좋아?

40. The most heartbreaking thing about getting older - apart from my own life issues - is witnessing your loved ones getting older too.

41. Kita semua ada sorang kawan yang tak isap rokok tapi bila minta lighter, for some strange reasons, he carries one.

42. Idk man... dalam hidup ini kena ingat satu benda je. If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. Also, bear in mind tak banyak benda dalam dunia ni yang boleh lead to legally easy money.

43. What scares me the most is my tendency to casually sweep my emotions under the rug. Like, that’s my go-to response for almost everything. I stopped dealing with my emotions for quite some time now because I figured idk... it’s easier that way.

44. I don’t get this whole boudoir photography unnecessary fuss. Might as well just straight up shoot porn while you’re at it.

45. MPP ni sebenarnya scaled-down version of politician. Same shit but with less power and authority.

46. There’s time and place for everything. In real life I rarely talk unless it’s really really important. On twitter I go full on BLACKPINK mode 24/365. On my WhatsApp group I go full on meme/trash talk/trivial/random mode. Also, aku ada habit untuk separate my circle accordingly. Idk man, easier that way. That one time aku bawak someone yang aku kenal from social media lepak sekali with my close friends. I feel so conflicted and vulnerable the whole time. I iz regret. Bad idea. Never again.

47. Ko dengan ko punya [insert stupid shit] boleh gi mampos is my favorite sentence at the moment.

48. I don’t care what Islam says about memuliakan tetamu, I still don’t fancy having an unannounced guests in my house. Like... go away. Book a hotel or something. I’ll pay.

49. I think the main reason my mid 20s memories are blurry because I filtered out shitload of unnecessary things. Sometimes tak ingat pun semalam makan apa, because it’s not important. Yang paling penting sebenarnya is how fast I can get through the day. Anything else is optional. Kinda like this, “ok, monday———————- done.” Am I living right? Idk. But this is how I maintain my sanity. Adulting is hard as it is. Doploh kali ganda lagi susah kalau hidup constantly kena hadap bullshit from other people, drama la konflik la emotional rollercoaster la apa la. And I want none of that. So blurry pun blurry la, janji kepala tak sakit.

50. I honestly believe masalah lelaki ni satu je. Horniness. And it leads to shitload of horrible things. Control your dick and the world will be a better place.

51. Idk man. I rarely showcase my life on social media. I feel like I don’t need to. I don’t have to. Cuma kenkadang je la. Only glimpses of unimportant things that I feel comfortable sharing with strangers.

52. In the name of comedy - for me personally - anything goes. Dalam konteks stand-up comedy, or comedy club, or podcast, or skits etc, okay je nak melawak even offensive gila babi sekalipun. Because the audience knows what they’re getting into. Tapi kalau setakat nak melawak dekat Twitter atau dengan kawan-kawan, sikit-sikit dah la. Time and place, my friend. Time and place. Takdak sapa impressed pun. Tak dapat duit. Tak dapat piala.

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