Get your shit together, dear Self.

Sometimes I overreact over silly things. Over nothing. All of a sudden, I get too riled up and let my emotions consume me whole. Which is not the best way to deal with any type of situation that clearly are not in my favor. Yes, stupid, I know.

No, I don't deserve this kind of headache in life. Simple, I want no bumpy roads. I want no obstacles. I want no pressure. I want no shitty people. I'm trying hard to take a good care of everything and everyone. I'm willing to sacrifice a lot of things. I'm prepared to go way beyond the miles. I just want everything to be at ease. I've had enough. I can no longer endure this worthless emotional rollercoaster ride.

But what's life without a little risk, challenges, struggles, and whatnot?

I rarely tell anyone about my problems. Be it my family, siblings, friends or whoever. There's a distinct difference between telling people about my problems and telling people that I have a problem. I just don't feel the need to go deeper and further discuss it. Perhaps I'm habitually good at keeping things to myself.

Because I'm always struck with cognitive dissonance when I tell people something that will purposely put me into a vulnerable position. Can he/she be trusted with my life story? How do I know for sure that they won't be using it against me in the future? Am I doing the right thing?

I have no freakin' idea.

9:51AM

1. Terimalah hakikat bahawa melepak sambil main telefon adalah satu benda yang sudah jadi kelaziman. But if you don't mind being dramatic, aku cadangkan supaya ambil dan campak telefon manusia yang sibuk menghadap skrin 24/7 ke atas lantai. Kemudian tempik sekuat hati, "Enough! I said, ENOUGH!"

2. Seorang perempuan (yang aku letak dalam kategori MILF, because she's hot as fuck) selalu menyapa aku dengan, "hai sayang." Every fucking time I meet her. And this may be hard for you to believe, but yes, I feel uncomfortable.

3. And it feels so... wrong.

4. So wrong papan tarik papan buah kerandut dalam seluar.

5. Is shell out still a thing in 2016? Sebab aku nasihatkan jangan sesekali percaya dengan citarasa orang gasar yang sanggup makan tak pakai pinggan di restoran.

6. Hobi baru: tidur waktu Maghrib. You people should try it. Ia sama macam tidur biasa, tak ada apa beza pun, cuma... yelah, pada waktu Maghrib.

7. Seorang lelaki bangsa Cina bertanyakan nama dan kemudian minta nombor telefon. "Kosong satu tujuh bla bla bla..." Aku balas. "Apa you punya nama?" Dan aku jawab, "You taruk sana saya punya nama tauke besar."

8. If I ever feel like Mr-know-it-all, I'll just have to remind myself: I don't know squat about makeup products.

9. Aku harap semua manusia yang jual kaya ball faham ini: kaya ball hilang purpose bila kaya di dalamnya is nearly non-existent, you fucking piece of shit.

10. Chivalry is dead, they say.

11. Some people deserve to be called anak haram. Or else, apa lagi aku nak gelar manusia yang masuk simpang tak reti bagi signal? Babi? Beruk? Keldai?

12. The next time I hear someone says I'm not committed enough in life, I'mma break their neck.

13. Bak kata Katy Perry, "Time, the ultimate truth teller."

14. What the fuck is this kerabu megi hype?

15. Things I never thought I'd Google: how to deal with my clingy cat? And why does my cat bite me for no reason?

16. Politeness comes in many forms. People who says otherwise, meh sini aku bagi pencerahan dalam bentuk penerajang.

17. "Count your blessings, not your problems." Shut the fuck up, I'mma count whatever the hell I want.

18. Setiap kali tengok Instagram Nursajat, entahlah, my dick is getting more and more confused.

19. Susunan lagu You Don't Own Me oleh Grace sangatlah disjointed dan janggal, no matter how many times you listen to it.

20. BlackPink over everything else.

Perempuan Paling...

"Are you going to have another intense burst of compatibility with a girl we never see again?" - Britta to Abed, Community S05E06.

I should've realized it a few months ago. Or sooner. To be honest, I never thought of it that way. Maybe that's the words I'm looking for. Intense burst of compatibility. I mean, we clicked almost instantly. I've strong feelings for her right away. And I'm more than happy to always be around her. In my head, she was the perfect one.

Bak kata Carrie Bradshaw, "Maybe we only obsess over relationships that feel unfinished."

But here's the thing: I'm not obsessed. And I never left it unfinished (clearly I'm in denial). For all I care, it didn't end badly. Well, at least for me (again, in denial). And I can never know for sure what happened on her side.

I was the problem. She did absolutely nothing wrong. I still think highly of her. And I still fancy her the same. But I don't think it's a good idea, or in this regard, a meaningful notion to crawl back to her. Oh, if only things were that simple. What? Do you really think I don't consider about each possibilities every now and then? About how foolish I was, and still am?

Just as I was about to forget about her, poof... there she is, always popping back to existence out of nowhere.

Fucking hell.

Of Twitter conversation

I was having conversation with a friend on Twitter two days ago. We talked about heavenly mee kari place in Ipoh. Tempat yang sering aku habiskan beratus kilometer pergi-balik semata-mata untuk makan malam. Tempat yang ramai orang tak faham betapa besar nilai sentimental-nya terhadap diri ini.

Seribu satu perkara pernah berlaku: sesi berbuka puasa (yang sungguh celaka) dengan Razin, pertama kali bersahur di sini, makan malam terakhir dengan rakan sekelas di kolej, dan selepas balik bercuti di Pulau Perhentian, dan selepas balik mandi air terjun di Ulu Chepor, dan selepas pulang dari Alor Setar, dan selepas pulang dari Penang, dan selepas itu, dan selepas ini.

Fuck all else. This is eternally my place of happiness.

One thing led to another, I told her I don't keep track of my interaction with anyone on social media sites. I posted something, and a moment later, I will delete them. No, nothing personal. I'm not sure how or why this subject came up. Rather, I'm the one who brought it up. I don't usually tell anyone, since I figured I don't owe people any kind of explanation about my behavior. My online behavior for that matter. But she's cool though, as being so understanding.

You see, people come and go, and I don't want to look stupid to keep cling onto someone or something that isn't there anymore. So I treated everyone and everything as a stopgap until I'm certain about what the hell is going on. And perhaps, as a temporary way of dealing with my insecurities. 

Thus, it's not you. It's me.

But people often took it the wrong way, saying that I'm being offensive and trying to deny their existence. Well... if I'm trying to do that, I'll ignore your ass in the first place, idiots.

It's all about materialized remembrance. I don't need, and I don't want that kind of attachment. I want to look back, and see nothing. No photos, no words, no moments, no shit, no nothing about anything or anyone that I clearly don't want to remember.

If you're from my past life, you're fucking staying there. I don't need you to resurface back to existence out of nowhere. But of course, some things will stay and remain in my head forever, and please let me deal with that.

Because it's none of your goddamn business.

2:31PM

1. I need to force myself to tweet. Even when it's all about the little stupid things that no one cares to read. Because if I don't, feels like I'm having random thoughts on a loop inside my head, and lemme tell you something, dat iz not good. I can't afford to keep on play pretend, having real life/imaginary conversation, entertaining my train of thought simultaneously all in one go. If there's too many voices inside my head, that'll be the end of me. So, one at a time. One at a time.

2. Out of curiosity, how to pronounce gnash? G-nash? 'nash? Ganesh?

3. Out of curiosity, kuah masak lemak putih kena letak ikan bilis ke? Because I don't like the taste of ikan bilis lembik swimming in my kuah.

4. You don't owe anyone an explanation, even when they think they deserve one. Don't simply dance to anyone's tune. And always remember to never let them make you say what you don't want to say. If they still insist, tell them to go fuck themselves.

5. People look at me all weird when I tell them I don't eat lontong. And chicken drumstick. And steamed fish. And any types of prawn. And ikan keli. And boiled egg. And telur goyang.

6. Macam Mike Stud cakap, "I'm not perfect but for you I do pretend." Talk about effort, amirite?

7. I promised myself that I'd come here once a month, as a new tradition, to dine like a pseudo-bourgeoisie. And.... that was a lie. Strangely enough, it gives me the illusions of grandeur. And perhaps, the sense of entitlement to nicer things in life. With that being said, this is the perfect place to take a girl to dinner, stuff myself with good food, before I get into her pants.

8. Alahai, babinya perangai.

Hamba pun hamba wang pada zahirnya

I think my current obsession with money-consciousness stems back from the fact that I feel the need to be financially stable. For all I care, this is my priority at the moment.

At this age, I don't get to see a lot of wild and crazy people that often. I strictly surround myself with a bunch of good friends, civilized and I believe, mature and respectful people. Plus, everything's in a safe mode. Manusia yang aku kenal rapat, ramai dah settle/slow down for good. We're wayyyy past our prime.

Sometimes I can get overly defensive when someone criticized my odd ways of spending and saving. Ia nampak semacam tak teratur dan cacamarba, tetapi aku tahu dan faham bagaimana proses keluar/masuk setiap sen. And hey, if it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.

I mean, I could be having a million dollar in my bank account, and I still wouldn't feel safe. I can't never guarantee you, or in this case, myself, a total security. I can only give myself the illusion of it, or some sort of pseudo-entitlement that I think I deserve.

I'm doing quite alright. But worrying over nothing gets me every time. 

Same shit, different people.

(i)

Sure, it feels good when people listen to me. See, that's what I love about what I do for a living. I get to decide everything. From A to Z. You do as I told. Always my way. Tak ada sesiapa boleh balik selagi aku tak cakap boleh balik. Total freedom at its best.

(ii)

Kau bayangkan aku menempuh trafik maha lancau beratus-ratus kilometer, dan sejam dua kejung kaki memandu, kemudian aku dapat soalan bangang begini, "kita nak makan dekat mana?"

Holy shit, you must be special type of idiot for doing that to me.

I said politely, "You decide." And then I get all kind of shit thrown at me.

(iii)

No, I'm not mad. Just disappointed.

9:52AM Wednesday 19th October 2016

Small circle

I haven't RSVPed F's wedding invitation.

"Thank you for the invitation. InsyaAllah, tengoklah kalau rajin," was my not-so-serious reply when we were having conversation two weeks ago. Apparently, if God's willing wasn't convincing enough for her. So I was forced to say yes.

To which I quickly diverted the subject into something else. I think I've mastered the art of never making promises. And yes, I didn't say yes.

Not sure why, but the thought of meeting people from my college years is truly intimidating. I have successfully avoided them, for like, what, 5 years and counting. I don't think now is the good time.

I'm fine with the presence of Nad, F and... yep, only these two in my life right now. Others? Mehh, not so much.

Hell

For the past few weeks, my mind is all over the place, and I've been feeling uneasy. And here's the thing, I don't know where to begin to air out this problems accordingly.

First thing first, I can't write well. You people have no idea how important it is for me to be able to write without getting stuck too long on certain ideas, or paragraph, or sentences. If not, my train of thought will be circling around in a loop and it feels like no matter what I do, I'm heading nowhere.

I've failed to take a good care of myself. Waktu makan aku jadi berterabur dan tak ketahuan hala. I've lost weight drastically. Believe me, I now could fit shirts and jeans from my college years.

And I get emotionally attached way too easily. And when things don't go my way, I feel like a lost cause. I feel like the Universe is playing cruel trick on me.

And the worst, I became overly money-conscious person I once thought I'd never be. Not spending money has become an usual habit. Aku jadi kemaruk menyimpan sampai satu tahap, I set the most ridiculous limit on myself. And that's just sad. And pathetic.

Right now, I'm against everything I used to be. I'm a walking contradiction. I feel like a different person. And not in a good way.

I didn't go anywhere significant this year. I didn't buy anything worth keeping. I didn't have the passion to drive me forward. I read all of my old writing the other day. None of it makes any sense. 

Where are my old self, I wonder. And I don't have the answer.

I woke up each morning feeling like a failure. Like I don't live up to my potential. And never will be. I know I'm doing quite alright for a living right now. But there's a nagging inside my head telling me otherwise.

What am I doing with my life? Semuanya menghala kehancuran. Keluarga, kerja, kawan-kawan, cinta, masa depan, dan seribu satu lagi perkara lain. The pessimist in me can barely hold it any longer. 

I need help. And that's the thing. I don't know where to begin.

Closed-door

I feel awful when I realized I couldn't let myself be vulnerable or emotionally dependent on my loved ones and my close friends. I have tons of problems in my life right now, although God knows why I still think it's plain unnecessary to seek for their help.

But taking control of everything and keeping things to myself isn't always rainbows and butterflies. I get exhausted way too easily. Being hampered with shitload of this and that has never failed to leave me out of breath. Sometimes I wish someone else would just grab the goddamn wheel and steer me someplace.

I'm a normal human being. A weak ass human being, for the most part. I constantly find myself dwelling alone trying to solve everything on my own. I'm scared to open up to anyone. I really am. But at the same time, I want to appear okay and look fine in front of other people. I want to keep on smiling. I want to keep on laughing.

I mean, look at me. Writing to bunch of strange audience who never really care. Perhaps this is the only place I've trusted enough with my life story.

I just want to be happy. That's all. Nothing more.

3:53PM

1. "No, let's not put a label on it. Let's keep it fun." - Tove Lo's Cool Girl lyrics. See, she gets it. Why can't you?

2. Orang yang tak habis-habis guna frasa customer is always right, aku harap satu hari nanti akan ada manusia ludah dalam makanan dia. Really, always? Always right? I know the view must be nice up there, but please get off your high horse, you stupid fuck.

3. Idea gila siapa suruh kerja sampai lima petang? Tuhan ciptakan waktu petang untuk manusia tidur dan berehat di rumah.

4. Sometimes I think I've oversold the sedap-ness of mee kari. For some people, it's just biasa-biasa je. Most of the girls I used to bring there, didn't even like it. But I love it, and that's what really matters.

5. If you send me photos of beautiful girl or porn videos on WhatsApp, I'll download it immediately. If it's other than those two, it can wait.

6. I don't know how to juggle multiple people at once. Perhaps, I don't have the heart to do so. And no, I never sneak around behind anyone's back. But if you do, oh honey, it says a lot about you.

7. Recycled words from Twitter. Because what the hell... I'm too lazy.

8. Awww, it's cute when people are trying to pretend that they've forgotten about all the little things I once told them.

9. From hip hip hooray to loneliness real quick. Watch me.

10. Have a good weekend ahead of you people!

Random things about him

Haikal is an imaginative little boy. He writes funny stuff in his diary (more like a sketchbook with lotsa random things in there). Dia tulis/lukis komik sendiri, with I don't know... the panel sequence, little dialogue bubble, weird character and all. I couldn't understand the creative process of making one, but he managed to pull it off.

When I was at his age, entah apa-lah yang aku pandai buat. Maybe it's time to unwrap all of my old comic books collection, and give it to him.

Two days ago, he asked me to fix his bicycle. Here's the thing, never make promises. Especially to a little boy. I learned the hard way. Kerana apa-lah yang budak kecil tahu. Yang mereka tahu hanya untuk menuntut janji.

I don't want to be the one who breaks his heart. So I need to be careful with my words. I said, boleh, nanti kita pergi. But I made it clear to him that this is not a promise whatsoever.

Dan semalam, bila dah siap baiki, I feel happy for him. Yes, it's always the littlest things in life.

I love you, little boy. I really do.

Clever reply

Dalam perjalanan pulang menuju ke rumah selepas menjemput Haikal dari sekolah, aku tanya, "Adik bawak bekal apa pergi sekolah harini? Burger mekdi ke?"

Dia angguk. "Haritu adik cakap tak boleh makan burger mekdi sebab boikot?" Aku tanya lagi. "Takpe. Sebab bukan beli guna duit adik." Haikal sambut.

Kid's a genius. He found a loophole in the system.

Hundreds of unfinished...

I just want to write simple things in life. But my mind, oh God, my incompetent mind always tryna pull a complicated one.

I wanna be forgotten

1. One thing I need in life right now is to be consistent in snooker. Because that, my friends, is the real meaning of happiness and a complete bragging rights.

2. Jangan percaya dengan manusia yang makan nasi lemak guna satu sudu tanpa garfu. They're usually not very smart.

3. Entahlah, aku masih merasakan korus lagu Untukmu Selamanya oleh Visa adalah sesuatu yang begitu sedap didengar, tak kira waktu. Rock kapak in the truest sense.

4. Setiap kali aku mulakan ayat dengan perkataan entahlah, seekor anjing akan mati kena langgar kereta.

5. 2015: "Lonely, yes. But never alone."

6. 2016: "I'm not alone, but I feel lonely."

7. Same shit, different year.

8. In my head at the moment: money.

9. I think I need to abandon this blog, and start anew. Leaving this whole delusional writing razzmatazz out of my life, for good. But not now, God, not now. Soon. Maybe.

10. Because I'm carrying shitload of unnecessary emotional baggage. 7 years worth of stuff in here.

11. Plus, I got nothing else to prove anymore. I sure as hell can write pretty well (let's not argue about this). I've met, I've known, I've fallen in love, I've made friends and enemies throughout the years. To be honest, it's no longer a fun playground. One of the reasons I'm still here is for the sake of sentimental value.

12. All things must come to an end. Hey, that's... life.

9:31PM

1. Teman seorang kawan pergi ke sebuah bank. Bila dah selesai urusan, dia hulur aku not seratus ringgit. "Untuk apa?" Aku tanya. "Sebab teman aku."

2. Yes, I need more friends like him.

3. Sebab aku tak bodoh, maka aku tak tolak. Hey hey, my life's at stake here, alright?

4. His ass has been followed once or twice by suspicious person. Oleh sebab itu, dia minta aku untuk teman dia melakukan transaksi bersama. Entahlah, kalau orang jahat datang serbu, perkara pertama aku akan lakukan adalah lari selamatkan diri. "Fuck it. I ain't got nothing to do with this shit."

5. I think I'm the worst when I'm in saving up mode. Setiap kali aku tetapkan sesuatu, okay, I need to have RMxxxx at the end of the month, maka aku akan serta-merta jadi manusia paling anal-retentive, dan sentiasa memikirkan keluar/masuk setiap sen.

6. But when I'm not, fuck me, duit keluar laju macam pili bocor.

Searching for happiness

Am I really commitment-phobic, I asked myself. Let me clarify something here. I know the real answer. I know I have a lot of trust issues. I know I will always find a way to divert my responsibility. I know I don't do label and such.

I was being asked this question, "So, what are we now?"

It's going to get messy eventually. Which is why I refused to put any label on it. And yes, I feel like we're not quite there yet. But just to be clear, I know how to answer this without getting into any trouble. Tread lightly, so to speak. I have carefully crafted my answer to sort of fit all kinds of circumstances. I win, you win, everybody wins. 

I have an irrational fear of letting someone get close to me. And it goes without saying, I only hold a bunch of trustworthy people in my life. Get this, you know what I refer as/call most of my college classmates? Budak kelas aku. You know what I call girls I used to go out with? Simply... perempuan.

"Budak kelas aku kahwin bulan ni..."

"Aku keluar makan dengan perempuan..."

No. No names. No specific title whatsoever. When I'm telling stories about people in my life, they will always be nameless characters. It takes time for me to acknowledge (the importance of) your existence.

Being a 25, I think girls I've known at this stage of life are matured enough. No crazy yelling when I don't pick up phone calls. No throwing tantrums over silly things. No stupid blaming game. No pulling the victim card out of nowhere. The direction is pretty much straightforward and everything can be discussed like an adult. And for that, I'm forever thankful.

But my current lifestyle isn't suitable for marriage. Sure, I have plenty of other reasons. But there you go, I'm being real honest here. There's just not enough room to squeeze in new people right now. Truth be told, I can totally see myself not being tied down with someone for at least 5 years more.

Which is a shitty and sad situation to be and to think of, sometimes. But what can I do? I got a lot of responsibility in my hand. Plus I don't come from a privileged family, nor I will be able to financially sponge off anyone in particular. I have to work hard to make ends meet. 

But that didn't stop me to keep on praying for happiness in all walks of life. Because that's all I want. And that's all I need.

3:54PM

1. Like any other human being, I've made tons of mistakes. I've done a lot of terrible things in the past.

2. Do I regret it? Well... yeah, some of it. For sure, there'd be a momentary lapse when I feel bad about myself. I feel like a monster, or satan, or judas, or something. I feel like my self-value depreciating instantly.

3. But the guilt will pass. Eventually, it'll pass. See, the greatest trick of being an asshole is to never fold under pressure. Always keep your goddamn composure. Stay true to your assholerism.

4. Trust me, I can live with the guilt.

5. (null)

6. Kinda lost direction for the past few days. I'm not being the usual me. Gimme some time to get back on my feet.

7. By the way, this is my 2000th blog post. Let's celebrate this pointless achievement!

8. Should I stop writing here? Should I?

9. When people (only have known me for a short period of time) say, "I know you very well." Oh honey, I want to pinch your cheeks, because you're so cute for thinking that.

10. I will forever live in your head ^___^

There's a taste that you can't shake

"I think all girls look the same." Aku hantar satu pesanan teks panjang tepat pukul dua belas malam. "What separates them apart is the way they dress themselves. Put on a shirt, jeans, shawl or bawal, there you go... plain-Jane look. Put on a crop top and yoga pants, there you go... another different look. Put on a modern kebaya or kurung, there you go... sweetest-girl-ever look.

That's what came to mind after scrolling through Instagram feed last night. I was bored out of my mind. I've finished watching countless YouTube videos and I don't know what else to do.

Of course I didn't tell her I was scrolling through random girls photos on Instagram. Kerana ia akan jadi satu cerita lain yang tak pasal-pasal aku kena terangkan kepada dia itu ini. In other words, it means trouble.

"Kenapa tak tidur lagi? Kata esok nak bangun awal." I could sense she wouldn't want to entertain my train of thought. So, I bade her good night wishes.

And with that, what the hell, I continued scrolling.

Benda-benda kecil dalam hidup

Kegembiraan adalah bila memandu pulang ke rumah selepas minum petang bersama Haikal dan Sarah sambil menyanyi lagu Like Ooh-Ahh oleh Twice. Blissful, I tell you.

4:50PM

1. I got my payment yesterday. So I went to the bank to clear some shit. And let me clarify something here: berurusan dengan mesin adalah dua ratus juta kali ganda lebih mudah daripada berurusan dengan manusia di kaunter.

2. Meminjam sedikit semangat supervillain: why make a friend, when you can make an enemy?

3. I love rap music. What's there not to love about clever wordplay?

4. Rasa macam dah lama tak recite puisi-puisi Neruda. God, I miss those days.

5. I don't know what the hell is #tenangisgood and how to use it, and at this point I'm too afraid to ask.

12:22PM

1. It's normal for kids to demand this and that. Y'know toys, new stationery items or colored pencil sets, school trips, more and more toys etc. Apalah seorang kanak-kanak tahu tentang kepayahan ibubapa separuh mati mencari rezeki. We, or in this case I, didn't understand their struggle back then.

2. Aku jarang dapat apa yang aku mahu sewaktu kecil. Sampai satu tahap, aku tidak lagi meminta. I mean, what's the point anyway? Kerana aku tahu bagaimana proses meminta ini akan berakhir. I get nothing.

3. Tingkatan 4, aku minta sebuah motosikal. Like any other teenager, ini adalah sesuatu yang aku rasa aku perlu ada. I don't know, to fit in with my friends. But of course, I didn't get one.

4. Bila aku habis belajar di kolej dan punyai duit sendiri, aku mula berbelanja macam orang tak ada pedoman. I was in my fuck-all-else-I'm-going-to-buy-everything phase. I bought motorcycle, cars, shoes, clothes, books, you name it. Aku makan di restoran yang aku tak pernah cuba. Aku bercuti ke tempat yang aku tak pernah pergi. Sehinggalah aku menjadi bosan dengan material possesion, dan aku akhirnya selesa untuk hidup dengan apa yang telah sedia ada.

5. Look at me now. I don't do shopping anymore. Kali terakhir aku beli kasut adalah dua (atau tiga?) tahun lepas. Yes, it's been that long.

6. Pengalaman sewaktu kecil menjadikan aku seperti hari ini. That's why I have a very low expectation in life. Bila minta sesuatu dan tak dapat, aku jarang nak marah. Bila orang tolak permintaan aku, reaksi pertama adalah okay, tak ada rezeki. Bila aku cuba bergantung harap kepada seseorang kemudian mereka kecewakan aku, aku tak pernah rasa nak balas dendam atau apa.

7. You people have no idea how many times I have to deal with this kind of shit: "I don't think this is going to work. You can stop now."

8. "Okay, if that's what you want." No, I never stop anyone from walking out of my life. You must be very very special human being for me to stop you from doing so.

9. If the feeling's mutual, I'll fight for you. If not, well... we had a good run, honey.

10. Kau nak blah, blah-lah. Sikit pun aku tak heran.

11:56AM

1. You don't know how to use the word mundane properly. Seriously, you're embarrassing yourself.

2. Sort of make plans to go someplace with F, Nad and Syamira at the end of the month. Initially, mereka nak datang ke Sitiawan. Aku cakap, sini tak ada apa-apa yang menarik. Yang ada cuma kehidupan bujang aku yang akan buatkan sesiapa pun menangis kebosanan. "Nanti engkau tengok muka aku. Aku tengok muka kau."

3. I told them I'll be super busy on public holidays. Entah celah mana nak curi masa, aku pun tengah pening kepala.

4. No, I don't want your freakin' money. Doakan aku sentiasa murah rezeki, itu dah lebih daripada cukup.

5. Please, will you?

6. Wonda coffee are disgrace to any other kind of coffee. If you're sipping those, stay the fuck away from me.

7. You know what's worse than having a misai tanglung? Kening tanglung.

8. Fengtau. That's the word.

9. Nasi Lemak Anak Dara. Sorry, I was picturing something entirely different in my head.

10. If I've learned anything from the past, is to never end a conversation with crush by saying goodnight. Always, always leave it hanging.

11. Too bad I can't interact peacefully with my crush on Twitter anymore. Because my friends are following her as well. Goddamnit!

12. My hai-awak-good-morninggggg are pretty much harmless.

13. Never underestimate my ability to hurt your fucking feelings. I could've easily destroy your self-esteem with my words. Don't make me go there.

14. You're the one making promises and shit. No, not me, you fucking pathetic bitch ass loser.

Benda tak penting hari Rabu

"Apa-apapun, kena redha la kot. The thing is, bukan semua duit yang kita ada hanya untuk kita. Ada bahagian untuk orang lain. Ada untuk itu. Ada untuk ini." I told him when we were on the subject of marriage.

I said I'm comfortable living my bujang life. Very low maintenance. Less struggle, financially speaking. Less people, obviously. Less hassle and all.

Namun akan tiba waktu-waktu tertentu, bila mana aku terpaksa keluarkan sejumlah amaun untuk hal-hal yang tidak melibatkan diri ini. Urusan keluarga, hal-ehwal remeh dalam hidup, masalah orang lain, kecemasan dll.

"Kalau aku mengungkit hal duit yang aku pernah keluarkan untuk orang lain, maknanya aku belum bersedia untuk berumahtangga. How do you expect to take a good care of your significant other kalau kau berkira gila babi dengan setiap sen yang keluar daripada poket?"

Not going to lie here, I'm not family-oriented person. Never have been. But I do take my role as the eldest child seriously. I may act immature for my age, but when it comes to family matter, I never fuck around.

Setiap kali aku keluar rumah, dan belanja orang lain makan, akan sentiasa wujud gesaan dalam hati, "I must do the same to my family." Sebanyak mana aku keluarkan untuk orang lain, aku mesti berbuat perkara sama terhadap keluarga sendiri. If I can take any girl out for an expensive dinner, I'm an asshole for not doing the same for my siblings.

If that's the price to put a smile on their face, well, I regret nothing.

It go Halle Berry or hallelujah

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6:45AM

1. Ahad, yang tak macam Ahad.

2. Downloaded some new songs to my EDM playlist. Hippie Sabotage? Dope af.

3. Jangan sesekali percaya dengan manusia yang lepas hidupkan enjin kereta, terus menonong memandu keluar.

4. I like to analyze people. But I restrict myself to only assume things based on empirical evidence, and yeah, intuitive sense.

5. Banyak benda nak terangkan tentang poin nombor empat (supaya ia tidak berbaur paradoxical di kemudian hari), but I just don't feel like it.

6. No honey, you don't have to prove me wrong or right or anything. If I'm right, I'm right. If I'm wrong, I'm wrong. 

7. Word of the day: ceplos.

8. Aku mungkin seorang manusia yang tak sempurna, tapi entahlah, seumur hidup ini, tak pernah lagi mainkan perasaan orang.

11:52AM

1. F's getting married soon. Two days before my upcoming birthday. I asked for a gift, she said she bought me a t-shirt from Brunei last month.

2. "No, that one doesn't count. Nak hadiah lain." The tamak-ness in me is showing.

3. Today's her birthday. Dear Facebook, thank you for reminding me.

4. "I'll come to your wedding. That'll be the best birthday gift ever." The cheapskate-ness in me is showing.

5. Aku ada tiga saman trafik tertunggak yang perlu dilangsaikan segera. Jika ada sesiapa baik hati ingin membantu ringankan beban, here's my email: alepfgz@gmail.com

6. Or else, I have to go to the court as the accused.... and I'mma plead guilty.

7. Have you ever look at someone in the eye, and you both smile at each other, because you got a long history that no one knows?

8. ♬ All of the rumors, all of the fights

But we always find a way to make it out alive ♬

9. They said I could be anything. So I became a disappointment.

10. Fri-yay my ass. I got a busy weekend ahead of me.

Of teasing people and everything in between

"Jalan elok-elok la. Rimas tengok." She said to me while we were walking side by side.

You see, aku ada banyak pilihan untuk teruskan perbualan ini. I could bring up one of her traits that I find unappealing, and start a silly argument. But no, I took the high road.

And it goes without saying: jalan seret kaki is my thing.

"I was born this way," was my reply, and continued making a lot of noise with my feet just to tease her to no end.

She looked rather annoyed. So I gave in and said, "yelah, yelah..." and return to walk like a normal person.

Last night, I was having dinner conversation with a friend. He told me, "Aku nak tengok doh macam mana kau keluar dengan perempuan. Sama ke tak perangai kau time lepak dengan kitorang."

Aku beritahu, selalunya aku cuba untuk menjadi lebih sopan. Setiap patah kata dan perbuatan akan lebih teratur. A pseudo well-mannered gentleman, if you will. Can you imagine being in a car with woman, stuck in traffic, and someone cut me off recklessly, and the only thing that comes out from me is, "ya Tuhanku, kenapa teruk sangat dia ni bawak kereta?"

Holy crap, that doesn't sound like me. At all.

Go fuck yourself

When we travel together, my friends and I always prefer to stay - not necessarily 3 and above star hotel - at spacious and comfortable hotel bedroom with huge-ass bathroom.

I'm not going to pretend like I'm a wannabe backpacker or some kind of true adventurer or explorer. I don't fancy that kind of thing. I worked hard all year round to pamper myself with good stuff.

I want cozy blanket. I want clean bathroom. I want swimming pool. I want room service. I want refrigerator filled with na-na-na drink.

No, I don't want to share room or toilet with strangers. So don't come at me with your so-called adventurous story. I'm not interested. I'm not impressed.

You do you. And let me do me.

4:20PM

I grew up surviving shit on my own. You really can't blame me for being independently selfish. Aku faham kenapa diri ini jadi begini. It all stems from childhood experience. Losing my mother at such a young age teaches me that no one's going to stick around forever. I learn to let go of everything. Including myself.

Being the eldest child, banyak benda aku belajar sendiri. I don't simply depend on anyone. Sejak kecil, aku percaya tak ada sesiapa akan tolong aku dalam menempuh hidup ini. I've always believed that shit while growing up. 

Life, is a battlefield. 

I want to protect Haikal and Ihsaan at all costs. In some ways, I know I can. But the more I try to protect them, the more I feel they should survive and learn on their own. Albeit doing the best I can, deep down I know I can't protect them forever. I can't be there for them all the time.

Do great. Be great. No matter what, I'm always proud of you two.

Such is life

"What kind of maniac writes number seven without a dash in the middle?" I asked her. "Which school did you go to, huh?"

I saw her writing down numbers on a piece of paper. I didn't mean to put up an argument. I was just trying to annoy her. Because, I don't know... I was bored and let's face it, that's what I do best.

Amende entah nak kirim barang pun nak ajak teman, rungut aku dalam hati. I know the drill very well. Mula-mula, pergi satu tempat. Kemudian tiba-tiba, pergi satu tempat lain pula. Dan tempat lain. Dan tempat lain. Dan tempat lain. Believe me, it's a never-ending errands.

"Jangan kacau. Tengok, I dah lupa nak tulis apa. Ni semua you punya pasal." Rungutan yang aku sambut dengan ketawa kecil.

"Dah la, jom la. Nanti-nanti je la buat benda ni. Jom la kita pi minum. I dahaga. Lepastu I hantar you balik rumah." Giliran aku pula untuk merungut. Macam budak umur 10 tahun.

"Kejap. You pergi duduk sana diam-diam." Sambil jari menuding ke arah bangku kosong tempat orang menunggu. Dan aku pun melangkah longlai. Macam budak umur 10 tahun.

Nota tertangguh hari Sabtu

Selalunya begini-lah. Setiap kali kawan-kawan dari KL turun ke sini (Sitiawan), aku akan dapati masa yang selama ini begitu lapang (kerja daripada 7 pagi hingga 1 petang setiap hari dan selebihnya tiada apa-apa) tiba-tiba dipenuhi dengan aktiviti dan manusia. There's literally no me time whatsoever.

But it's okay, it's alright. Bukan selalu melayan tetamu yang datang dari jauh, detik hati ini. And it's always fun to hang out with bunch of good old friends.

But to be honest, I can't keep up with their style of lepak anymore. Keluar rumah awal pagi sehingga lewat malam. No, I'm not 17 years old. I need a lot of rest. I need to go to work. I have to wake up early every morning.

Malam semalam, pergi makan mee kari di Ipoh. Keluar rumah pukul 9 malam, makan, melepak, bersembang sehingga pukul 12 tengah malam, kemudian sampai ke rumah pukul 1 pagi. Sejurus itu, mereka terus ajak aku pasang penunjuk arah untuk majlis kenduri kahwin seorang kawan. I said go to hell, I want to sleep because I gotta go to work tomorrow morning.

They'll be here again next week for another majlis kenduri kahwin. Oh Lord, give me strength to endure this.

Perbualan petang Isnin

(1)

"Sorry, I have a girlfriend." I said while we were in the car on our way back home. It was an inside joke, and a mockery to the so-called infamous sorry-I-have-a-boyfriend meme. Sebab ada seorang perempuan mana entah usha aku lama gila babi sewaktu kami berlalu meninggalkan kawasan parkir. Entahlah, last time I checked, tak ada apa-apa yang pelik di muka aku.

Dan tak lama kemudian, Ayishah tiba-tiba tegur, "Alep, kau dah ada girlfriend ke? Mana girlfriend kau? Siapa perempuan dalam notes yang kau tulis haritu?"

First thing first, I'm flattered because I didn't know she read my notes all this while. I laughed and told her I don't have any kind of serious relationship going on with anyone right now. I've known a few, but it's always ended as a one-time-thing romantic endeavor. And as expected, she didn't believe me.

(2)

"Aku googled cari buku kau haritu tapi tak jumpa pun." Entah siapa tipu dia cakap aku ada buku sendiri, aku pun tak pasti. Setakat buku kompilasi yang entah apa-apa, ada-lah satu. Itupun sudah tiada lagi dalam simpanan.

"I gave the only copy left to a girl a year ago." I told her.

(3)
You see, that has always been my trick. Give something out (books in most cases), in order to gain something back (it could be anything). It's the same concept as 'here, I'm giving you the key to my apartment', or better known as 'let's put sex on the table'. Except I don't own an apartment, and I'm not putting sex on the table. But still, I don't know why people often think of it as insincere and deceptive act.

Well I'm sorry, I don't see it that way. For all I care, it only creates a cumulative effect that are coincidentally in my favor. Sebab selama ini, aku tak pernah mengungkit, atau buruk siku minta balik benda yang aku sendiri hadiahkan kepada orang lain. Geez, what kind of man do you think I am?

Hai awak semua

1. Ter-beli cempedak goreng dua ringgit walaupun tak suka langsung cempedak goreng.

2. Sebab yang jual adalah seorang awek lawa manis cantik sejuk mata memandang. Dear self-control, you're fucking useless.

3. Kau nak jual apa-apa kepada aku, mudah. Pastikan kau cantik, and I'll freaking buy anything without thinking twice.

4. You had me at laksa. You lost me at vegan.

5. Rasa macam ada sesuatu yang tak kena bila kawan-kawan guna ayat 'awek/gf aku....' setiap kali mulakan cerita mereka. Kenapa perlu guna 'awek/gf aku' (yang seringkali berbaur possessive) instead of nama perempuan itu sendiri.

6. Or maybe it's just me.

7. Kawan-kawan dah pulang ke KL malam semalam. Hanging out and entertaining them for three days straight is one hell of a task. Pheww, lemme have my rest now.

8. Duit jangan cerita-lah. Keluar laju macam air.

9. Untuk yang membaca ini, doakan-lah yang baik-baik untuk hidup aku.