It was last week. Razin and his wife invited me to their new house. Aku ada buat open house makan-makan sikit hari Sabtu lepas Asar, dia pelawa. Aku ajak geng-geng kita je, dia tambah lagi. Tak janji, aku balas sebelum menyambung, takut tak ada orang ganti tempat aku. I'll be busy over the weekend.
Entah berapa kali dia ajak datang ke rumah aku tolak, dia ajak aku tolak, dia ajak aku tolak. Ah what the hell, I figured it wouldn't hurt to sacrifice a bit of my time to pay them a visit.
I had lunch with S earlier that day. The usual gossip session. Catching up with each other's lives and whatnot. Alas, what else to do in KL? I brought S with me to meet them. Sebab aku malas nak patah balik hantar dia pulang ke rumah dulu, ke hulu ke hilir buat kerja dua tiga kali. Didn't think she'd agree to tag along at first. But I'm glad she did. Thanks to her, I learned something valuable. Never mind, I'll get back to that later.
So, there I was. Dalam sebuah rumah kecil yang penuh dengan manusia-manusia kegemaran. Yang kebanyakannya aku dah kenal lebih daripada sepuluh tahun. Great atmosphere in such confined space. Full of laughter. Sheer joy and pleasure. We were busy goofing around like there's no tomorrow. We didn't do much though. I don't know, we just kinda... talked and laughed. Maybe that's the real definition of happiness, in its simplest form.
Friends are like married old couple. At least that's how I see it. Sometimes you just sit there, and they're there. Not doing much. Playing with their phones. Watching TV quietly. Sleeping soundly. Not moving or anything. But their existence is somewhat being cherished. And you feel homely and comfortable just to be around them.
Our circle of friends are growing bigger. It's no longer just us boys. But now with babies and wives. Both theirs, obviously. New dimension. New perspective. New meaning. The trick is to look at things differently. And to try to assimilate everything or to fit everyone into something even more meaningful. Of course, we haven't changed much. We're still bunch of silly boys with lack of common sense every time we meet each other.
I embrace things as it is, regardless. I never feel left out, nor I feel out of place. But we surely can't stay the same forever. The dynamic of our friendship has changed significantly.
I was in the kitchen with Ayishah, taking a cigarette break from social convention happening at the living room. "Dia ni ke dulu yang---"
She was referring to S. To which I quickly nodded and replied, "Yes. One and the same."
I've told her a little bit about S long time ago. How it started. And how it ended. Bla bla bla. No more, no less.
Dia tengok aku. Aku tengok dia. Dalam sebuah perbualan telepati, dia tak payah buka mulut untuk tanya soalan, aku sendiri dah siap sedia bagi jawapan.
"Kawan lah."
Dia tengok aku. Aku tengok dia.
"Ya betul, kawan," aku ulang sekali lagi. And it goes without saying, she didn't believe me. In fact, none of them ever did. S is a friend. A good one at that. I enjoy her company and our occasional conversation. She's so much fun to be around.
Ayishah don't see things the way I do. She has different approach altogether. Which is why she's being very persistent and pretty adamant on the fact that I shouldn't let S go easily.
I'm sorry... what? Let her... I mean? ... What?
Like I said, I'm glad I brought S along with me. I now, up to certain point, can fully understand and relate as to why people say if it doesn't work back then, it won't the second time around.
Because going back to the way things used to be sounds like a really stupid idea. A lot has changed. I've changed. She's changed. It's all in the past. Like what, two years ago? And to simply pick up from where we left off? I never want to go down the same road ever again. Believe me, I've been there. And surprise surprise, that's exactly where things went awry.
Elena Tonra was right, "burned out flames should never re-ignite."
22nd July 2017
