In my head (7)

Here

Pseudo-narcissistic (2)

"Best kan bila baca balik teks mesej sebelum tidur," aku kata pada Kiki sebelum kami berdua lelapkan mata. Perbualan rawak untuk menyegerakan proses tidur.

"Mesti." Kiki balas. "Itu perkara wajib sebelum tidur."

Tetapi apa yang dia tidak tahu adalah, most of the time I only re-read my own text messages. You know, the stuff in my sent items folder. Not the one that belongs in my inbox folder.

My words are genius. I know I'm awesome.

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In my head (6)

Incompatible. Loveable. Unfinished story. Confession. Temporary existence. Chemistry. This isn't right. Excitement. Nothingness. Adorable. Boring. Confusion. In denial. Comforting myself. Failed. Pain. I'm done. No, I'm not.

Gap

I really dig one of my lecturers writing. I have been a silent reader (stalker sounds unsubtle) since duh, I can't recall. She barely knows me, kerana aku tidak pernah berpeluang berada di dalam kelasnya. I heard a lot of stories about her. Mostly bad stories. But I don't really give a fuck and I just don't want to be judgemental toward her. I mean, I have nothing against her. Plus, I don't build perception of her based on shitty and slutty rumors.

Apa yang aku tahu, dia menulis dengan begitu indah despite bernada suram dan gelap. The hell and devil thingy she mentions in her writing really turned me on. Bait-bait tulisannya dikarang dengan tona yang mampu mengheret pembaca untuk sama-sama melalui secebis pengalaman dunia kecilnya. Perasaan yang aku dapat adalah seperti berpeluang melawat kubikelnya dan duduk di satu sudut untuk mendengar syarahan ideologi yang berbaur peribadi. Kemudian pulang dengan memikirkan konsekuensi yang bakal aku hadam.

The warm feeling I get whenever I read her post. I love the way she express herself in such way.

I love her thoughts.

Nota pelajar (22)

So first off, assignments. Tons of assignments. Maybe I exaggerated a little bit here, but seriously, I just want to get things done, the sooner the better.

Banyak perkara yang perlu diselesaikan. Banyak idea yang perlu dicurahkan. Aku tak mahu nikmat hujung minggu diganggu oleh urusan pelajaran yang tertangguh. See, I'm a good student. Not!

Virtual vs Reality

Aku pandang skrin komputer, melihat Ihsaan sedang bermain aplikasi dalam komputer.

"Kenapa paused?" aku tanya tatkala menyaksikan aplikasi beku sementara.

"Level ni susah nak lepas. Ihsaan takut kalah nanti," dia beritahu.

"Takpe la. Kalau mati, boleh hidup balik. Game je pun," aku balas. That's what I told him and he grinned at me.

What I didn't told him was, life has no undo, restart, pause or whatsoever button. You just have to move on, no matter what happens in the future.

Take care, Take care, Take care

I went to bed around 4am last night. I was forced to wake up at 6 something this morning and send Ihsaan to the school.

Aku buka pintu rumah, cuaca dingin. Matahari bangkit memberi sedikit sinar. Kabus masih menyelimuti. Jalanraya basah kesan hujan malam tadi. Konon mahu bersimbiosis dengan suasana, aku pasang lagu Postcard From 1952 di dalam kepala.

"Cepat, nanti lambat." Aku kata pada Ihsaan.

Ihsaan segera sarung kasut, galas beg dan kami menghala ke sekolah. Sepanjang perjalanan yang singkat, kami tidak berbicara. Mungkin kerana lagu Postcard From 1952 masih berkumandang. Cuma sekali aku pandang wajah Ihsaan, aku senyum. Ihsaan pula kekal dengan ekspresi stoic.

Di depan pintu pagar sekolah, aku tanya, "Ihsaan balik pukul--"

Belum sempat aku habiskan ayat, dia sudah lari menerpa ke dalam sekolah.

Dan sewaktu pulang, lagu Trembling Hands mengambil alih dan iramanya mula menari girang di dalam kepala.

Ianya pagi Jumaat yang indah.

Nota pelajar (21)

"Too much wording," she commented. "Your presentation slide should be simple and neat."

Simple and neat. In fact, I did just that. I put everything into consideration. The simplicity, neatness, clarity and etc. My slide appears to be just nice. Neither too dull nor very flamboyant. At least, that's what I thought.

Before going through the whole presentation process, I equipped myself with knowledge on that particular subject. So that I'm not going to get verbally bashed afterward. But some of my classmates are dumb as fuck; doing presentation without any preparation.

I admit, sometimes, I am, myself, having trouble and couldn't get my point across to the audience in much more simple way. The worst is when my head suddenly went blank and I could do nothing but stood there in front of the class, trying to think of a word. Funny story.

I still remember when I was talking about opportunities in emerging markets. "There are many opportunities for foreign companies to invest in Malaysia."

"Betul ke ni?" some of them asked me in a sarcastic manner.

"Yes, because Malaysia has the yada yada yada..." and there goes my crappy explanation. But just remember one thing, be firm with your explanation.

Okay, back to the presentation slide thingy.

"This is kind of lazy work," she added.

"Err... lazy work. What the fish?" I whispered to myself. But then again, that was her opinion. I respect that and I'm not even offended.

Hiatus?

I am emotionally unstable right now. Maybe a little break from this chaotic and erratic life, will put my mind at ease. When things didn't work out, I know, I just need to stop.

Title?

I went to stupid job fair in UiTM Seri Iskandar last Tuesday. Hella boring. I was there for, like, 3 or 4 hours, being approached by few companies and agencies. Oh, horde of high school students were there too.

And.... that's all.

Picture (5)

Makanan yang sedap, and bunch of real close friends. Kenyangkan perut dengan hidangan istimewa sempena Deepavali. Cheers!

Intoxicated (7)

07:00pm Mon 24 Oct 2011

Ianya 7 petang dan dentuman kilat maha kuat membuatkan aku terjaga dari tidur, mamai terpinga-pinga. I was scared, terrified of lightning that hit not once but twice. Dentuman pertama menyebabkan aku lekas bangkit, segera menerpa ke arah pintu. Suis utama yang terpelantik menyaksikan suasana rumah sudah sedia gelap.

And then the lightning struck again for the second time. I was like, "Please God. This is horrifying. I can't take it no more."

I tried to calm myself but to no avail. All of the sudden, in the blink of an eye, I feel like all my life flashed before my eyes. I was shivering. I'm afraid of dying. I feel useless. I feel hopeless. Mengenangkan pahala yang mungkin tiada langsung sebagai bekalan dan dosa seluas kosmos yang aku tanggung.

Nyawa aku boleh direnggut bila-bila masa. Nyawa aku digenggam oleh Kuasa yang lebih besar. I feel ashamed for not being a devout Muslim. Sometimes, I'm even questioning God authority. I know, I shouldn't have done it. I mean, who the hell am I to do that?

Healthy meal

07:45pm Mon 24 Oct 2011

I don't hate pop music. Tell you what, conglomerates, they are just doing their part to commercialize music and make money out of it. This might sound shitty but for God sake, this is the reality.

If I'm about to disobey my own code of rules, I believe I will end up being on the capitalist side. Tetapi itu adalah cerita lain, jadi lupakan.

We are consumers. Each one of us are part of the buying cycle. As long as you have the money, you are part of it. You cannot say, "No, I have nothing to do with all this shit." That is, Sir, because you, yourself, are full of shit. There is no exception unless you are living alone in the woods.

We are born with unique desire. Different people have different needs and wants. For example, some people really dig Mars Volta but you gotta admit it, some people doesn't. And you cannot blame those people for not liking something you consider as cool. Ask yourself, what is cool?

If you are hoping that pop music era gonna end, well, you better stop dreaming. You think those conglomerates gonna sit back and do nothing? In your dream, my dear. I would say pop music as let's say, junk food. Yes, it tastes good and all but you don't need junk food to keep on living. In fact, you don't need it in your daily nutrition pyramid. At all.

The truth is, we still have a lot of varieties and choices of junk food in market because there are demand from consumers. Remember supply and demand forces? No demand means no supply. The main reason why conglomerates still able to produce pop music because there are always a demand from consumers. Pheww, never ending process, I tell you.

I prefer Explosions In The Sky for breakfast. Radiohead for lunch. The Strokes for dinner and Coldplay for supper. This is healthy meal, well at least for me. I do enjoy different types of music genre but too much junk food, I mean, pop music is a big no.

Nota pelajar (20)

02:00pm Mon 24 Oct 2011

I don't know how much money left in my bank account. Hafiz asked me a favor this morning to borrow some money. Aku tanya dia, duit untuk apa. Dia beritahu, duit untuk buku teks Business Ethics.

So I said okay and promised him I'll bring the money tomorrow. 

Sometimes it feels good not to be on the receiving side. Semoga aku diberkati Tuhan.

Unfold me

Ketika melepak bertemankan segelas air, aku masih ingat bagaimana seorang kawan baik aku bercerita mengenai kehidupannya di tempat orang, pergelutan hierarki sosial di kalangan pelajar, semangat asabiyah di dalam kelas dan seterusnya membawa kepada borak kosong mengenai pensyarah di kolejnya, "Semester ni nasib baik aku dapat lecturer okay."

"Miss F," aku sebut lantas ketawa. Membawa aku mengundur bebeberapa detik ke belakang, menyelongkar laci memori.

"She taught me English when I was in semester 3. Cool, young and full of passion. And she's awesome too."

"Miss?" dia balas, memandang aku. Kemudian dia ketawa kecil.

"It's not like what you think," aku jawab, menduga fikiran telepati. "She's more like a sister to me."

To be honest, I don't know how it feel to have a sister. To have someone older than you among siblings. To guide me in making decisions. To listen to my thoughts and ramblings. To comfort me through ups and downs.

The fact that she is being very supportive?

God bless me.

A perfect dinner (3)

So we arrived, sat down and ready for dinner.

Sedia menunggu kami di restoran adalah Chem, Chah dan lain-lain. Kami tiba pada pukul 10, yakni sejam lewat dari rancangan asal. I know we are late tetapi salahkan cuaca dingin pasca-hujan yang membuatkan kami serumah keberatan untuk mandi dan bersiap. Due to our lateness, I would consider this as a failed dinner.

Nevermind, there's always a next time. Or maybe not.

Aku selesakan diri dengan membelek kad menu atasbawahdepanbelakang dengan teliti sebelum memesan makanan. Suasana dingin sedikit sebanyak membuatkan perut aku minta segera diisi. Pelayan yang mengambil pesanan di meja kami adalah seorang perempuan muda. Cantik, manis bertudung dan punyai senyuman menawan. Kombinasi yang tidak pernah gagal membuatkan aku berkata, "Oh Tuhan, nais one!"

"Lawa kan dia? Sweet." Aku kata pada Chah tatkala melihat pelayan ini meloncat dari satu meja ke meja lain mengambil pesanan.

"Kakak." Chah panggil, menyaksikan pelayan itu tadi berpaling menoleh ke arah kami. "Dia cakap kakak lawa," sambil jarinya menuding ke arahku. Pelayan itu tersenyum sebelum berlalu pergi, segan barangkali.

Segera aku alihkan pandangan pada Chah. "Hey, you don't have to say it to her but anyway, thank you," aku kata dalam hati.

Setelah selesai urusan pembayaran, little did I know, pelayan itu tadi, menurut Chah, sudah bertunang dan bakal berkahwin pada bulan hadapan.

"Bulan ni last dia kerja sini," Chah beritahu aku.

"Umur dia berapa?" aku tanya selepas buntu untuk memberi reaksi apa.

"24."

"Damn it," aku jerit di dalam hati, spontan.

This is a failed dinner. Totally.

Picture (4)

Haikal Haziq | 21 10 2011

Loveable (10)

"Alep." When she want to tell or ask me something, she will mention my name first.

"Ya?" I responded, politely.

I love her voice, calling out my name.

Code 1.2

I broke my own code of rules. Once again.


"Never send text to a girl, so early in the morning."


But this time, her sweetness is just too hard to resist. Good morning Love!

Little reminder (3)

I'll be busy until this Friday. Wait for me, will ya?

Loveable (9)

Last night, I'm in total despair. Berperang dengan mata mengantuk, bergelut dengan perut lapar, letih menyiapkan tugasan yang perlu dibentangkan awal pagi, pening memikirkan perihal latihan industri dll.

So I called her to have a little conversation. Upon hearing her voice, all my problems seem to go away. I feel weightless, metaphorically. 

Aku tahu, mungkin kehadirannya dalam hidup aku hanya sementara. Ya whatever.

Now I know why I keep coming back to her.

Sedatif Imaginasi Terlarang (8)

"Beauty alone is not enough," dia bersyarah pada aku dengan kapasiti sebagai seorang kawan dan juga seorang perempuan.

"Tapi..."

"What else are important?" dia cantas, "Communication."

"Two way communication between you and her. Itu yang penting. You don't have to push yourself too hard to entertain her," dia tambah.

"How about you, yourself?" dia tambah lagi, "I know you having fun chasing her around, but ask yourself. Berbaloi ke?"

"Aku mengaku, mungkin tak berbaloi. But I'm willing to risk it all."

"Degilnya!" dia balas dalam nada geram.

"Tell me why. Why should I let go of everything? Especially when everything in under my control."

"Under control?" dia balas, "Buat lawak ke apa ni?"

Aku senyum, gelengkan kepala, "No... I'm not."

"You're way out of control. Remember the last time you fall in love with a girl. What was the stupid name you gave to her?"

"Si Gadis. Her name was Si Gadis," aku beritahu, "and that name doesn't sound like anything stupid."

Dia ketawa, "Ya whatever. But the thing is, you put yourself too much and way beyond your limitation when it comes to relationship. Come on, you're the coolest person I've ever met. I know you're better than this."

Aku diam seketika, memikirkan kata-katanya yang mengandungi kebenaran. Mungkin hanya aku sahaja yang masih samar-samar.

"You think I should give up on her?"

"It's up to you. I'll always be right here, inside your mind. Whenever you need me."

"Better left undecided, at least for the time being. Malas nak fikir," aku balas, tanpa menyedari, aku telah pun membuat sebuah keputusan.

It does feel good to have a nice and long conversation with myself. Yes, sometimes I imagine myself as a woman. I mean not physically but the idea of being a woman, as a genuine and genius one. What's wrong with that anyway?

Imagination at its finest.

Nota untuk Mereka (7)

Manjakan Haikal. Ya, mungkin. Kerana aku begitu menyayanginya. Jika dia menangis kerana diusik oleh sesiapa, I'll always be there for him. To protect him. To shield him. To comfort him.

I'll scold them right away. Then I'll tell him, "Dah dah. Jangan menangis. Jangan kawan dengan diorang. Abang kan ada?"

Aku sering bertanya padanya, "Umur Haikal berapa?"

"Hmmm, 5!"

"Boleh cium pipi tak?"

"Boleh. Tapi cium sebelah je," dia merujuk pada pipi sebelah kiri yang gebu.

"Mana boleh cium sebelah je," aku sanggah, "Kena cium kiri kanan, baru betul."

"Boleh. Tapi... cium sekejap je haa. Tak boleh lama-lama."

Aku kucup kedua belah pipi sambil memeluk erat tubuh kecilnya. Semoga dia mengerti, jauh di sudut hati, ianya sebuah tanda kasih sayang seorang abang kepada seorang adik.

Terima kasih Tuhan, untuk segala-galanya.

Illegal download

Click to enlarge.

Nota pelajar (19)

Dua tugasan berkumpulan yang perlu disiapkan.

Pertama ialah tugasan subjek Global Supply Chain Management. We need to pick any retail outlet or hypermarket, act as a so-called mystery shopper and make an observation on its daily customer service practises including criteria such as shopping experience, product availability, service efficiency and etc. After observation was made, here's come the boring part, writing a final report out of it.

Kedua ialah tugasan subjek Business Policy. We need to conduct a research on any multinational company to gain information regarding their entrepreneurial strategies, method of entering foreign market and last but not least, strategic alliances and networks. And yes, you read that right. A research.

At certain stages or phases, I never like (hate is such a strong word) doing group assignment, project or presentation. I have to deal with endless emotions, feelings, ideas, thoughts and whatnot. Why not just focus on one single brilliant idea. My idea.

I know this sounds a bit selfish. Or narcissist. Or pessimist. Or whatever.

They are slowing me down. They are holding me back. They are dragging me down to the highest level of miserability.

Maybe I'm filled with negativity. Or narcissism. Or pessimism. Or whatever.

Apa-apa lah. All that matters is getting the work done. Let's put all those emotions whatsoever aside, shall we?

Reminder to self (?)

Aku selalu berpesan pada diri sendiri. Jika tiada apa untuk ditulis, jangan terlalu memaksa diri. There are times that some things are better left unsaid, better left unspoken, better left unwritten.

Tetapi ianya sering berakhir, dengan aku, tetap juga memaksa diri untuk menulis sesuatu. I guess it goes naturally. Something that I love to do without even realizing it. I always subconciously end up writing something.

Attention. Yes, we want to be valued and noticed by other people. Tetapi jika tiada perhatian diberikan oleh sesiapa, apakah segala-galanya akan/sedang/sudah berakhir? The answer is, a big fucking no. You need to learn how to love yourself, love your thoughts, love your everything. Just be proud of yourself. That's all.

Tanamkan di dalam diri, life is not a fucking fairy tale. And stop thinking that the world only revolve around you. Walaupun polemik ini bakal membawa kepada satu persoalan yang lain, seriously, the hell with it.

Moralis insaf

Seharian berada di dalam kelas Business Ethics menyaksikan aku larut dalam lautan teori dan falsafah. Yang terkesan membosankan. Dengan segala definisi maha jargon dan juga cabang-cabang penerangan yang kedengaran ganjil pada aku.

Pensyarah aku bertanya, "Apa beza moral dan undang-undang?"

"Moral adalah satu set universal yang mampu diterima pakai oleh semua golongan. Manakala undang-undang lebih kepada satu skop yang berasimilasi dengan masyarakat setempat," lebih kurang begitu jawapannya dalam kadar yang mentah. Jika ditelesuri lebih jauh, lebih banyak cabang penerangan yang timbul.

"Apasal tak langgar je la lampu merah tu tadi," kawan aku membebel, sedang aku menunggang dan dia membonceng di belakang. Kami berdua menghala pulang ke rumahnya untuk mengambil sesuatu.

Aku diam seketika sebelum beri alasan, "Kalau kena saman, kau bayar? Aku takde hal."

Perbualan seterusnya serta-merta bernada janggal.

Perbualan yang tertangguh

"Why can't you just tell me the truth?" she asked me.

"I'm sorry, I can't," I replied, politely.

"Why?" she insisted.

"Because telling you so, isn't the right thing to do. It's like asking my parents, "Can I get some money, to buy weed?" I explained.

"It can't be that bad," she refused to give up.

"Well, obviously, you are not the right person for me to talk about this. I'm sorry," was my answer to her.

"You don't even try," she sighed tenderly.

Code 1.1

"Sesi melepak yang sempurna perlukan lebih daripada dua orang dan tidak melebihi sepuluh orang."

Wait, what the hell just happened?

They are young. Full of passion. And obviously, dumb as fuck. I'm talking about freshie in my college. They know nothing yet berlagak macam tahu semua. Alaa, aku pun lebih kurang macam tu juga dulu. Walaupun mungkin tak seteruk mereka.

I'm doing good for this semester. My last semester in this shitty opss sorry sacred college. Mengharungi tugasan individu dan projek berkumpulan dengan err... I don't know, copy and paste everything on the Internet and tadaaaa, assignment done! Research my ass.

Mempunyai haters dari kalangan junior juga adalah satu perkara yang cool. Mereka fikir aku mahu rampas kekasih, gf, buah hati mereka. Well, memang pun. No lah, saje memain. Tapi serius la, takut apakebendanya? Mengarut betul. Nanti aku rampas betul-betul baru tau. Setiap kali lalu di sebelah well let's say Haris, dia akan pandang aku dengan pandangan, "You, stay away from her. Keep all your sweet stuff to yourself. Or in other words, tolong la jangan rampas dia dari saya."

And then I bumped into let's say, Riduan yang sedang minum di kafe. Riduan akan toleh dan pandang aku dengan riak muka tak puas hati. Kawan Riduan di sebelahnya let's say bernama, Adam akan mengapi-apikan Riduan dengan berkata, "Ni la senior yang kacau perempuan yang kau suka tu. Aku dengar cerita dia pandai menulis dan terkenal. Last week dia ada bagi bunga dekat perempuan tu. Celaka doh dia tu."

Rumours spread like fudge. And me? How about me? I'm doing good, almost unaffected by any of those shit. I'll keep on writing, menulis bahasa rojak Melayu English. Sloppy notes yang tiada tujuan (mungkin ada, tetapi bersimpang siur. We will get to that as soon as possible. Don't worry)

Aku sendiri pernah melalui waktu muda. In fact, aku masih muda. I have one friend yang entah la nak cakap macam mana, tapi dia memang cool. He's quite old tetapi perangai muda. Mungkin dia condong ke arah hedonisme tapi itu belakang kira. Lagi satu, bukan childish tetapi muda. Childish adalah sesuatu yang bangang. Grow some balls, pretty please.

And again, last semester, I have sooooooo much to write about. Tetapi semuanya dalam nada nostalgik, melankolik, mendayu-dayu, sedih dan err... tidak seronok. Maybe this is not the right time.

What else? Aha! Tujuan nota ini. Entah la, I have no idea. Aku lapar ni.

Wait wait wait. Bila baca balik dari atas ke bawah, dua tiga kali, macam tak percaya aku tulis semua ini? Seriously? What the hell just happened? Aku dirasuk apa? Hurm, I guess, memang betul aku lapar gila ni.

Pseudo-narcissistic

"You don't know how lovely you are" - The Scientist by Coldplay.

I know how lovely I am. I don't need anyone to pointed that out for me.

Couldn't reach you.

Nuratiqah Abdulghani, it has been a long time since we last contacted each other. And if you happen to read this, hello!

Yippie!

I'm having the best semester ever.

Conversation with ahli syurga

Aku pernah ditegur oleh seorang mat surau, "Surau bukan tempat untuk tidur. Surau tempat untuk beribadah."

"Whatever la ahli syurga. I'm sleepy like fuck," ini adalah versi yang aku jawab dalam hati.

Realitinya, aku jawab dalam versi yang lebih sopan, "Surau bukan untuk beribadah je. Apa salahnya tidur dekat sini."

"Daripada tidur, kan bagus pergi sembahyang," dia tetap dengan pendirian.

"I'm sleepy la ahli syurga. Mengantuk, tahu?" ini juga adalah versi yang aku jawab dalam hati.

Tetapi aku pilih untuk berdegil. Aku sambung tidur dan tamatkan perbualan dengan tidak menghiraukan kehadiran mat surau.

Sepatutnya, awal-awal lagi aku kata, "Fuck you!" pada mat surau.

Tetapi mencarut ketika berada di dalam surau adalah satu hal yang lain pula. No no no...

Makan malam yang tertangguh

Malam ini aku sudah rancang untuk makan malam bersama Chah dan Chem. And yes, this is the first time I ever mention their names in writing.

"Korang pilih tempat. Affordable and sedap," aku pesan.

Sepatutnya, aku ulang semula, sepatutnya kami berbuka puasa bersama-sama ketika bulan Ramadhan yang lalu. Tetapi tangguh punya tangguh, it has been two month already. Duh!

Procrastination, you son of a bitch.

Nota pelajar (18)

6.30 pagi dan rumah sudah mula terang dengan cahaya lampu. Haikal, Ihsaan dan Aiman bangun bersiap untuk ke sekolah. Sarapan pagi - nasi lemak - yang terhidang dan juga katil yang masih berserakan, belum dikemas.

I kissed, hugged Haikal and Ihsaan. Haikal being grumpy this morning, so not in the mood.

Ayah tanya, "Abang nak balik pukul berapa?"

"8. Kot," aku balas.

"Duit ada?" Ayah tanya lagi.

"Ada," aku jawab tanpa ragu-ragu.

Kemudian aku buka dompet, I found nothing. Ha ha! Eure... fuck!

I haven't finish reading Export Management and Emerging Market notes. Hari ini ada dua set ujian yang akan bermula pada pukul 11 pagi. As I'm typing this, jam menunjukkan pukul 7.30 pagi. I should get my ass going. There's a lot of things to catch up.

And if you happen to read this, hello. Good morning!

Code 1.0

I broke my own code of rules. Which, something, I shouldn't have done it.

"Never send text to a girl, so early in the morning."

Her negativity is dragging me down. To hell.

Bookgasm (2)

Saidatul Madiha was right, "After a while, you'll find other words captivating. That's how books work I guess."

The last book I read was Flowers for Algernon written by Daniel Keyes. A month ago, kot? Aku sudah tidak punyai banyak masa terluang untuk menghabiskan sesebuah buku. A few weeks back, my sister bought me a novel tetapi sampai sekarang aku masih tersekat di bab pertama. Selak dua tiga helai poof... terus terlena, tidur.

Busy? Not really.

I need entertainment. In the form of words and sentences.

Bookgasm

I don't know which one to pick. Haruki Murakami or Milan Kundera or Orhan Pamuk or Jack Kerouac or or or.

Goddamnit. I hate making decisions.

Loveable (8)

Miss F asked me long ago, "Does she have the same feeling like you do?"

I laughed and said, "I don't know."

And with that, brings me to this very sweet moment of my life.

I have done crazy things because of her. Things that I didn't dare to do all this while.

I can choose to put an end to all of this by just confess everything. But I don't want to.

Charity Golf Tournament 2011 (Picture)

Click to enlarge.

Yawning (4)

"Are you okay?" she asked me.

The truth is, no. She didn't ask me anything.

Two-way communication? In my dream.

A perfect weekend

"Baru pukul 5 pagi," aku monolog sendirian tatkala melihat paparan jam di skrin telefon. Then I went back to sleep.

Selepas selesai upacara penutup Kejohanan Golf Amal 2011 di Kelab Golf Seri Selangor, kami tumpang bermalam di asrama kolej err... apa entah, aku sudah lupa. Pukul 7 lebih, Encik Ependi (atau Efendi?) datang dengan ketukan kuat di pintu bilik.

"Bloody hell!" jerit hatiku. Aku hanya tidur sekitar pukul 2 pagi selepas berbual telefon bersama Loveable. Aku hitung semula, only 5 hours of sleeps. 5 friggin' hours!

Dengan langkah longlai menuju ke tandas, somehow mengingatkan aku kepada suasana yang pernah aku tempuhi satu ketika dahulu. Menunggu giliran dan kadangkala berebut untuk mandi. Sudah hampir dua tahun aku keluar dari asrama kolej. I was in semester 3 back then.

Setelah siap berkemas, seingat aku pukul 8 pagi, kami masuk ke dalam bas, as we are ready to head back to Seri Iskandar.

Di dalam bas, dengan perut lapar yang tidak selesa dan kedinginan udara artifisial yang melampau, aku cuba bunuh kebosanan dengan berbual telefon bersama Haikal dan Ihsaan. Sudah hampir seminggu aku tidak mendengar suara mereka berdua. Aku tanya pada Haikal, yang bahasakan dirinya sebagai Adik, "Adik tengah buat apa? Awalnya bangun."

"Tengah tengok tv. Cerita kartun," dia sambut.

"Ihsaan? Dia tengah buat apa?"

"Dia tengah makan nasi lemak dekat dapur."

"Aiman?"

"Dia tidur, tak bangun lagi."

Mendengar suara mereka berdua, adalah satu perasaan yang tidak mampu digambarkan. God knows how much I love both of them.

Then I called Loveable, just to listen to her voice. I don't know why, I just feel like to.

"Awal bangun?" aku tanya.

"6 setengah tadi dah bangun, sembahyang lepas tu tidur balik," dia balas diiringi dengan gelak ketawa. It's good to hear her laugh so early in the morning.

And later, we stopped at Restoran Jejantas Sungai Buloh for breakfast (or brunch?). I reward myself with breakfast set at Burger King. Ya ya ya, I ordered two breakfast set for the sake of hungriness.

Yummy!

Si Gadis who? (3)

I'm close to her, I feel nothing. I try to start a conversation, I feel awkward. Maybe I just don't feel the same way as before. I wish I could stare into her eyes. Listen to her voice all night long. Sitting next to her. Looking at her handwriting.

No, still nothing.

Quiet and mundane.

I try to reassemble everything. To find the missing pieces. Try to reconnect whatever left behind. The fact that I used to fall in love with her? I have no idea.

Maybe it's true. Love can be so boring.

Conversation with strangers

"Buat apa dekat sini?" dia tanya aku yang sedang membasuh tangan di sinki.

Aku toleh ke kiri memandang mukanya sebelum membalas, "Ada tournament."

"Tournament apa?" dia soal.

"Charity golf tournament," aku balas.

Sambil membaling tisu kotor ke dalam bakul sampah, dia tanya lagi, "Handicap berapa?"

"Eh, tak. We are the organizer," aku jelaskan.

Kami berjalan keluar dari tandas, serentak. Dan berhenti di hadapan pintu masuk dewan makan.

"Charity untuk apa?" dia soal lagi.

"To raise funds for orphans," aku beritahu.

"Raise what?" dia soal semula, kurang jelas.

"Untuk derma pada anak yatim," aku ulang.

After a long pause, I left him with an unfinished conversation. I don't even know his name.

Intoxicated (6)

"Dah tak macam dulu," aku kata pada rakan serumah ketika kami menikmati makan malam tempoh hari. Perbualan kosong menyentuh mengenai bekas rakan-rakan sekelas.

Persahabatan yang semakin suam. But one thing for sure, I don't put blame on their shoulders. Mungkin masing-masing sibuk dengan kehidupan. We rarely hangout together like the old days. Tapi takpe, I'm doing just fine. Without them.

And I guess they're, too, doing just fine. Without me.

Intoxicated (5)

We are heading to KL tomorrow for Charity Golf Tournament 2011 organized by us. Kami perlu berada kolej seawal 6.30 pagi sebelum bertolak ke Kelab Golf Seri Selangor dan untuk tugas logistik dan peralatan yang dikelola oleh Kiki, Yo dan aku, we have to be there as early as 6pm.

You. Gotta. Be. Kidding. Me.

Melihat pada tentatif program, tomorrow is going to be busy as hell. Weird, but whenever I mentioned hell, I get super excited. Hell yeah!

Intoxicated (4)

Menulis sesuatu idea mengikut sisi yang berbeza antara satu sama lain. Sesetengah manusia menulis tentang kehidupan, philosophical style. Aku pula menulis tentang kehidupan, anecdotal style. I captured memorable conversation and beautiful moment, and there goes my writing.

Everything in between, bitter and sweet, cheers! That's life.

A perfect dinner (2)

Jika Life's Brief Candle karya Shakespeare, bermula dengan bait, "To-morrow and to-morrow and to-morrow," aku tanpa segan silu menukarnya menjadi, "Waiting and waiting and waiting."

Waiting can be so depressing. With nothing to do, you just have to... wait.

Seperti sebentar tadi, aku berdiri di satu sudut, menanti burger sedang dimasak. Haba dari cooking stove yang tersejat naik, ketulan daging yang dimasak rata, bau enak yang bertebaran di udara dan sayuran bersama daging yang ditindih kepingan roti. Aku gemar melihat proses penyediaan hidangan. Maksud aku, suasana kerja yang pantas tidak pernah gagal mengujakan. Ianya adalah satu seni yang suci. Sekurang-kurangnya, seni yang mengenyangkan.

Bila aku mulakan kunyahan pertama pada burger tadi, tak silap lagi, hati aku berdetik, "Worth waiting for!"

May I?

Sometimes people asked me, "May I ask you something personal?"

My answer, always, "Yes."

I was driven by curiosity. Dan aku mahu tahu adakah definisi 'peribadi' manusia lain, sama dengan definisi 'peribadi' aku. Barangkali kami tidak mendukung pemahaman yang sama. Begitu juga sebaliknya.

Mereka mungkin bertanya, "Pernah masturbate?"

"No," might be the answer. Though that would be a pretty fucking lie. And I didn't find the question to be somewhat personal. At all.

Atau soalan sebegini, "Why do you write boring thing?"

Aku boleh jawab soalan ini yang, bagi aku, berbaur peribadi, "I just love to write."

Tetapi aku pilih untuk sambut soalan sebegini dengan, "Fuck you."

'Fuck you' is nothing personal. Like seriously.

A perfect dinner

Aku sudah susun jadual makan malam kami serumah untuk tempoh seminggu bermula dari hari Isnin lepas hingga hari Jumaat akan datang. Ianya bukan kebiasaan aku untuk merancang hal-hal remeh sebegini tetapi aku sudah letih melayan soalan dan jawapan yang membosankan. Bila aku tanya kepada mereka, "Weh, nak makan malam dekat mana?"

Jawapannya klise. "Entah la. Tak tahu la. Ikut la mana-mana. Makan dekat mana-mana pun tak kisah yada yada yada..."

Mungkin pilihan makanan yang terhad mencacatkan segalanya. The food in Seri Iskandar.... better not to talk about it.

Jadi hari Isnin lepas, we went to Ipoh. Mee kari ftw! Makan malam berharga RM10 yang sungguh istimewa. Dituruti dengan tidur malam yang dibuai rasa kenyang dan selesa. Hari Selasa, fast food. Bloody hell, it cost me nearly RM15 and the worst part of it, I'm still hungry afterward.

Rabu, which is today, bihun sup tulang di pasar malam. Sewaktu menulis ini, jam sudah hampir pukul 8 malam. Dan aku patut menjamah makan malam lebih kurang pukul 9 malam nanti. Burger arnab dan sup daging pula untuk hari Khamis dan hari Jumaat? Well, untuk hari Jumaat aku akan kembali bertanyakan kepada mereka soalan rutin, "Kita nak makan malam dekat mana?"

Jika aku masih terima jawapan klise, that's it. We gonna go to the same shitty restaurant, order the same usual menu and at the end, whining about it all night long. Duh!

07:53pm Wed 05 Oct 2011

Loveable (7)

Kadangkala perbualan telefon bersama Loveable, I feel like I was talking with two or more people at the same time. I could hear her friend voices mumbling at the back. Bisikan itu ini dan suara-suara samar, yang tidak mampu aku hadam sepenuhnya. Aku bergurau dengan bertanyakan soalan retorik kepada Loveable, “Siapa tu?”

Dia ketawa lantas membalas, “Kawan.”

Hingga tiba satu tahap, aku berbisik di dalam hati, “Who am I talking to?”

Loveable (6)

"I like this girl but..."

There's always a but.

My friends, they thought I'm just playing around with her.

"No, I'm not!" I said. Not to them, but myself.

"Innocent and sweet looking face. No wonder you fall in love with her," someone said to me.

I don't know what happened lately. 

"If you really like her, tell her so."

"But chasing her around... I mean, I'm having so much fun. It could possibly bring me nowhere but I still love doing it."

Like I said earlier, there's always a but.

Nota Pantas Pendek (2)

Sudah hampir 2 pagi tetapi mata aku masih belum mahu pejam. Mungkin pengaruh kafein yang aku hirup sebentar tadi menyebabkan mata berdegil untuk berjaga. Aku percaya, untuk mencapai nikmat tidur agung, ada fasa demi fasa yang harus dilalui. Pertama-tama, makan malam yang bagus. Secara jujur, aku tak mampu tidur dengan perut yang kosong. Kedua, bersihkan tubuh badan. Ketiga, ucapan selamat malam kepada manusia-manusia tersayang. One of my friends asked me, "Kenapa kau selalu wish selamat malam?"

"Sweet, kan?" aku balas.

Akhir sekali, baca sehelai dua muka surat novel atau buku atau apa-apa. Ianya membantu untuk tidur dengan segera.

Or...

Or we can skip all of the above dan telan pil tidur. Habis cerita.

01:37am Tue 04 Oct 2011

Sweetest girl (5)

"Cognitive dissonance," aku kata pada dia.

"Cognitive what?" dia sambut, kurang jelas.

"Cognitive dissonance," aku ulang semula, "it's kind of feeling you get when you buy, usually, something expensive. At the end, you start to wonder whether you are buying the right thing or not."

Dia senyum kemudian berkata, "You are telling me that I'm having conflict within myself right now?"

"Nampak gaya macam tu lah," aku balas.

"Now eat up your burger. Dari tadi merungut mahal mahal mahal. Kalau tak nak, meh saya habiskan," aku sambung lagi, dengan nada bergurau.

"Ye la, ye la," dia mengalah sambil memulakan kunyahan.

Aku menang. Genius, kan?

Multi-purpose

Jadi aku tiba dan duduk di perpustakaan bertemankan buku-buku ilmiah. Buku nipis dan tebal pelbagai genre yang disusun segmen demi segmen. Aku capai dua bukan, tiga bukan, tetapi empat buah buku secara rawak.

I stacked up the book, acting as a pillow. Dan tidur bertemankan hembusan udara artifisial.

Lena.
Nyenyak.
Selesa.

01:43pm Mon 03 Oct 2011

Unnecessary conversation (2)

Sarah dan Aisyah berada di rumah sedang bercuti hujung minggu ketika ini. Kadangkala aku bergurau dengan berkata kepada mereka, "Korang balik buat apa. Semak rumah je."

Selalunya mereka akan balas, "Kau tu yang semak. Kalau kau takde, aman sikit rumah."

We are so cool liddat, you know.

So we came across this little conversation.

"Eh nampak tak selendang aku?" Aisyah tanya pada Sarah yang sedang berbaring mendengar lagu bersebelahan aku.

"Mana ada orang panggil selendang la. Sekarang orang panggil shawl," Sarah sambut, kemudian ketawa kecil.

"Sama je la," Aisyah balas, mencebik bibir.

"Orang panggil hijab laa..." Aiman mencelah. Belumpun sempat dia habiskan ayat, kami ketawa besar.

Hijab? You gotta be kidding me.

09:07am Sun 02 Oct 2011

Dekad kedua (2)

Menjengah umur dekad kedua, aku fikir aku berada di salah satu babak paling menarik dalam hidup. Mendaki tangga klimaks yang masih jauh sambil ditemani keluarga yang maha menyayangi dan memahami. Kehidupan di kolej yang semakin menghampiri penamat. Hubungan sosial bersama kawan dan beberapa manusia rawak ketika ini juga bercambah tanpa begitu banyak masalah. Kehadiran mereka yang istimewa terkesan mampu mengisi loophole yang sentiasa wujud di dalam rutin seharian.

Aku tak mampu meminta lebih daripada ini. O God bless us all!

Miserable week (2)

I went to bank yesterday to make a new ATM card. A week earlier, I have lost it. I decided to deactivate my card because I'm afraid someone might found it and cleared all my cash. Not much, I just got few hundreds in my account.

While depressingly waiting for my turn, I saw this one little boy roaming outside the bank entrance. He carries with him a pile of books or something. I'm not so sure.

So I sat there waiting for queue like an hour. And the boy stood there patiently waiting for someone to buy something from him for God knows how long already. My close friends, they know I'm not a big fan of waiting. Waiting, it's like putting myself in the state of uncertainty and vulnerability. That's why I prefer dealing with machine rather than human. In some way, I think machine is more humanely than human itself.

Took almost another one hour to settle everything. I wasted two friggin' hours for a piece of junk. I'm sorry, card. A piece of card. Gosh!

On my way out, I bumped into this little boy. With no money in my pocket (kinda awkward because I just walked out from a bank), I smile politely to him.

"Okay what, senyum pun sedekah jugak," I said to myself.

10:10pm Sat 01 Oct 2011

Hello October!

A perfect start of October. I dried up my brain to write/rewrite updates that I couldn't finish due to busy week. When I have something to write about, I know I'm doing good. Writing is essential for me to elucidate my thoughts. It forces the best out of me yet the outcome is so beautiful and memorable. My thoughts are everywhere, here and there. I have to catch each of them and embedded it straight away into writing.

You know what's good about October? Nothing.

I don't have any special occasion during this month. Except for Charity Golf Tournament organized by my batch at Kelab Golf Seri Selangor. And yes, I don't wanna talk more about it. Not to forget, my birthday will be on November.

Please note that. #Déjàfuckingvu

Coup de grâce (2)

I don't know why some people choose to end their lives in such pathetic, humiliating and miserable way. In the name of God, there's just no way I'm gonna jump off the cliff or bridge or whatsoever even if I failed badly in life. I'm not gonna killed myself by drinking poisonous liquid. I don't wanna hang myself. I couldn't picture myself doing such thing. Plus, I don't even have the guts to do so. I mean, seriously, what's the point of living if you end up committing suicide? Bloody idiot.

By any means necessary, I will win a battle against life. Come whatfuckingever may. I just don't wanna inhale my last breath as a loser.  I wanna die with a smile on my face. I wanna die being somebody. Well, at least trying to. Even if I'm destined to be in hell, I will make sure I'm still able to say, "Fuck, I managed to fucking survive the battle!"

Dekad kedua

Menjelang ulangtahun hari lahir aku untuk dekad kedua, Miss F mahu hadiahkan aku buku, with budget less than RM50. Upon hearing that, I was like, "Seriously? Seriously? Seriously?". Di dalam kepala serta-merta muncul beberapa bayangan buku yang mahu aku sambar. Salleh Ben Joned muncul pertama. Kemudian...

But there is this one thing that keeps buzzing in my mind. What would other student say if they know about this? Not like I care about what other people think but this stupid thought just too hard to resist. They might think I'm being good with lecturer to get good grades or to get recognized or to bodek/kipas or whatsoever.

These people just don't understand. Aku tahu di garisan mana aku patut berhenti. There's a line you just don't simply cross, my dear. I'm so glad I was born with full of awesomeness. As for me, I have no problem dealing with this kind of shit since I don't conform with others. Fuck others. As long I have bunch of great people around me, I'll be just fine.

Bak kata Jack Black di dalam filem School of Rock (2003), "So let's just keep it on the down-low, shall we?" Duh, we are not doing something wrong or illegal. It's something that normal people normally do. She was kind enough to give me a birthday present, and I, on the other hand, will be the happiest being ever.

Who the fuck of earth hate getting present for their birthday, you fucking tell me?

Nota kawasan perumahan (2)

Aku kata pada kawan serumah sewaktu kami duduk melepak, "Kita tinggal dekat kawasan paling strategik. Kan?"

Mereka angguk bersetuju.

Pekan Seri Iskandar (kekok untuk gelar pekan kecil ini sebagai bandar) adalah tempat yang err... menyedihkan. Jalanraya dan persekitaran akan mula lengang dan sunyi seawal pukul 11 malam. Tetapi bercakap dalam ruang dan skop yang merangkumi pekan ini, aku kira, aku tinggal di kawasan yang cukup strategik. It's like living with Ashlynn Brooke or whoever in... okay, done with the crap.

Sekitar kawasan rumah sewa kami, ada sebuah restoran mamak yang hanya mengambil masa kurang dari seminit dengan berjalan kaki. Walaupun makanan di restoran mamak ini hampeh sehampehnya, tetapi paling kurang, ianya menjadi tempat paling dekat, pantas dan hip untuk kami membazir masa melepak sehingga lewat malam bertemankan segelas air. Malah, rumah kami jiran bertentangan dengan rumah pekerja restoran ini dan restoran ini juga menyaksikan aku berlatih memperhalusi seni makan lari. Sebuah bank, sebuah restoran masakan ala Thai dengan rating 2.5/5. Dua buah francais makanan segera dan sebuah francais 7 Eleven. Dan juga deretan kedai yang menjual barangan dan menyediakan perkhidmatan yang pelbagai.

Setiap hari Rabu, kami hanya perlu berjalan kaki melintasi jalanraya untuk ke pasar malam berdekatan. No, selalunya bukan food hunting tetapi lebih kepada sesi mencuci mata melihat lambakan pelajar perempuan. Di pasar malam ini, ada sebuah gerai menjual bihun sup tulang dengan rating 4/5. Makanan lain, hurm... so-so. Berdekatan kawasan rumah kami juga terdapat sebuah stesen minyak. How great is that, hah? Kedai runcit terbesar di Seri Iskandar juga terletak berhampiran lingkungan kawasan rumah sewa. Kami sudah berjiran dengan tuan punya kedai runcit selama dua tahun, lebih kurang. Dan kami sering terserempak kelibatnya berjalan kaki ke surau atau kadangkala berselisih melihatnya menuju ke kedai runcit.

Oh ya, surau dan padang futsal. Mengenai suraunya, aku sempat berjemaah hanya sekali sebelum suraunya terbakar menyembah bumi. Serious shit, no kidding. Dan padang futsal-nya menyaksikan kami menumpahkan peluh bermain futsal lewat malam. But it's been awhile since the the last time we played there. Busy with assignments, tests and quizzes, group project, presentation and all.

In simple words, we got everything here. Well, almost everything.

"Tapi... rumah kita je buruk. Sikit," aku kata pada mereka. 

Mereka angguk bersetuju.

Nota untuk Mereka (6)

Melihat Haikal dan Ihsaan bermain permainan video, mengembalikan memori antara aku, Aisyah, Aiman dan Sarah satu ketika dahulu. Patah balik beberapa tahun ke belakang, aku sama sahaja seperti Haikal dan Ihsaan sekarang. Bergelak ketawa kemudian tak semena-mena bergaduh dan bertekak sesama sendiri berkenaan perkara-perkara remeh dan tidak penting. Mereka tak mahu patuh pada sususan hierarki sosial 'aku-abang-aku-menang', so they chose to rebel against me. Well, not really a rebellion but let's put it that way.

Tetapi demi kosmos dan seisinya, aku benar-benar menyayangi mereka. The bond between us can't be broken, no matter what.

Miserable week!

Done with my new identification card and ATM card replacement yesterday. Bloody hell, the process alone cost me nearly RM100. There goes my monthly allowance for nothing. Fucking awesome.

Selepas tamat sesi kuliah pada hari Jumaat, aku bergegas pulang dengan segera untuk selesaikan segala urusan penting yang sudah tertangguh selama seminggu. Juga berlumba dengan masa dan kerdipan mata yang tidak cukup tidur. Oh, did I told you that I have lost my wallet last week? I believe I misplaced it somewhere-I-don't-know and never found it back. I hate the fact that I have to start everything all over again. It gave me so much trouble. If you were to ask me, "How much?"

My answer would be, "Thissssssssssssssss much."

For one whole week, I don't have enough cash in hand. No driving license. And the worst part of it, no identification card. Feels like I'm one of those illegal immigrants. Miss F told me that I should consider writing a poem, 24 jam sebagai pendatang asing.

Ha ha ha, funny. No, seriously, this is me with no sarcasm whatsoever. I think it's just plain funny. And that's that. 24 jam sebagai pendatang asing sounds cool, aite?

Pessimist vs. pessimist

Tidur awal sering menyaksikan aku bangun awal. Berapa awal? Lebih kurang ketika matahari baru mula memancar. Jika rajin, aku akan bangkit bersolat Subuh. Jika tidak, aku akan... ahh, lupakan. Jadi dengan perut kosong yang minta diisi waktu pagi, aku keluar mencari sarapan yang bagus. Meredah persekitaran yang masih diselimuti kabus. Beberapa hidangan terbayang di dalam kepala seperti nasi lemak, kotiau goreng, roti bakar, kuih muih, mushroom soup dll. Selalunya aku akan berakhir dengan membeli nasi lemak. Murah, sedap dan paling penting, buatkan mata mudah untuk terlelap semula.

While having two packs of nasi lemak, aku teringatkan janji yang pernah aku lafazkan pada semester 4 awal tahun ini. "I gotta workout, eat healthy food, and eat more healthy food. I should learn how to say no to junk a.k.a. unhealthy a.k.a. rubbish food."

Janji yang sudah ditelanjangkan oleh realiti, barangkali. Tak, aku bukan paranoid, cumanya aku perlu paksa diri untuk berlaku adil kepada tubuh. If you know what I mean. Minggu lepas, aku kata kepada Yo, "Aku nak kurangkan makan dan berjoging setiap petang."

"Ahhh, sembang! Dulu pun cakap macam tu," dia sambut. Damn it, I know he's not gonna believe me.